AN: Here's the next chapter folks, Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, I'm just borrowing.
Chapter 10, Revelations.
When the Halloween feast was over the 8th years (including Ginny and Luna) practically fled from the Great Hall in their hurry to get back to the tower for the after party. Harry was one of the first to make it back to the common room and when he pulled back the tapestry and entered the room he was greeted by Terry who handed him a glass of elderflower champagne. Harry thanked him for the champagne and walked further into the room.
Hermione and the others had done a splendid job with the decorating; the sofas had been transfigured into picnic benches filled with all kinds of food and drink including the stuff he and Draco had bought from Honedukes, and in the corner there was Shaemus sitting behind a huge DJ set, clearly in charge of the music for the night. There was also a disco ball hanging from the ceiling and the carpet was now a dance floor.
For the first half an hour or so while everyone was still arriving and getting their drinks they all just sort of milled around chatting, but after a while some people got up to dance and soon they had all drunk enough champagne to really begin enjoying themselves. For once everyone was mingling, not just sticking to their houses. Harry found himself chatting to Frances and Cassandra, his Hufflepuff friends, but his eyes kept getting drawn towards Draco who was talking to Goyle over by the fire. He also spotted Ginny and Blaize dancing together on the dance floor along with a few other couples.
After a few hours had past, and a lot more alcohol consumed, Pansy Parkinson suddenly stood up onto of one of the picnic tables and shouted for everyone's attention.
"I'm bored!" She declared, although she sounded far from it.
"Go to bed then!" someone called back.
Pansy only laughed, it was that creepy sort of laugh that usually made Harry's skin crawl.
"Nope, I have a better idea! I propose we play a game!"
"What pass the parcel? It's not a kids party you know!"
"I know that! I propose we play a drinking game."
"What did you have in mind?" Someone else called out to her.
"Never have I ever. It's quite simple really, we each take it in turns to say something that we've never done, if anyone has done that particular thing, they take a drink. Oh but there is one thing, the champagne you've all been drinking, I spiked it with veritaserum."
There was some gasps in the crowd.
"You stole from the potions lab?" Hermione asked, although she didn't know why she was surprised.
"Like you haven't" Ron murmured in her ear.
Hermione blushed. "That was different, we were twelve years old, and we thought we were helping the school, this is just for fun."
"So you all in then?" Pansy asked from her pedestal.
Some people shouted yes, others no even though they hadn't meant to, it appeared the veritaserum was already working.
"Alright then, everyone in a circle." Pansy commanded.
It took a few moments for everyone to get into position. Pansy handed everyone a self-refilling shot glass then she placed her wand in the middle of the circle and spun it.
"Whoever it lands on has to start," she explained.
It landed on Susan Bones, who was sat directly opposite her.
"I don't now what to ask!" The Hufflepuff said worriedly.
"Just start with the words 'never have I ever' and then say something. It can be anything, something really stupid it doesn't matter," said Pansy.
"Ok then, erm, never have I ever, erm, gotten drunk at Hogwarts before tonight."
Her glass stayed full but quite a few of the group took their first shot, and so the game carried on around the circle. Most of the questions were mundane things like never have I ever flown a broom or never have I ever failed at potions, no one seemed to want to ask anything too personal, but Pansy was about to change that. Just before Goyle's turn Harry noticed her whispering something to Blaize who was sat beside her. Blaize then whispered something to Goyle who nodded.
"Never 'ave I never," slurred Goyle, "fancied someone in this room."
Almost everyone took a drink and Harry immediately began to wonder who in this room Draco had fancied. Probably just Pansy, he thought.
Now it was Blaize's turn. "Never have I ever fancied a Gryffindor," he said, proceeded to down his shot while grinning across the room at his new Girlfriend.
Again Harry noted that Draco had taken a drink. Who had he fancied in Gryffindor?
"Never have I ever," started Pansy loudly, she was looking directly at Draco with that evil smile as she spoke, "fancied somebody of the same sex."
Draco groaned and was forced to take a drink for the third time in a row thanks to the veritaserum. It was obvious to him now that this had been her plan all along. As he threw back his head and swallowed the burning liquid he stole a split second glance at Harry, he wanted to know what his reaction was going to be. What he most definitely did not expect was to see Harry shooting back his drink too. There eyes met for the briefest of seconds before Draco realised that everyone was staring at him. No one else had noticed Harry taking his drink.
"Wait a minute, are you gay Malfoy?" Rhodry called out from the other side of the circle.
"Yes," Draco said immediately, then he thought bloody Pansy and her bloody veritaserum.
There were gasps all around and Draco felt his face grow hot. He threw a glare in Pansy's direction and she smirked at him, but he simply refused to look at anyone else.
"Draco dearest, it's your turn," she said mock sweetly.
"Never have I ever been outed during a drinking game," he said, throwing back his drink yet again. Merlin knows he needed the alcohol.
After that the game continued as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. The questions kept on coming and the drink kept on flowing, but Harry found that he wasn't really paying attention any more. The veritaserum insured that he took a drink at the right time even if he hadn't heard the question, but in his own head he was having a two way argument with himself. It went something along the lines of:
Draco's gay! I have a chance with him!
And the other part of him would say:
But that doesn't mean he's interested in me!
Then he would argue:
But he's fancied a Gryffindor! And someone in this room!
Then he would think:
But that could mean anyone!
Round and round in circles it went until he felt a sharp jab to his side.
"What!?" He asked rather forcefully.
"Erm Harry? The game's over, everyone's getting up look," Hermione said gently.
Harry looked around and sure enough most people had already left the circle.
"Oh I er, didn't notice."
"I know, a lot on your mind?" She asked innocently. She knew. He knew she knew but he didn't know how she knew.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he denied before standing up and throwing back his shot glass one last time. The enchantment had worn off and it stayed empty. I'm gonna need another drink he thought.
For the next little while Harry stayed next to the punch bowl, he needed more alcohol, that much he was sure of, lots and lots of alcohol. His head was still buzzing with questions and possibilities mixed with harsh tellings off that shouted stop getting your hopes up Harry you're only going to let yourself down! He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't even noticed Draco walking towards him.
"I should have known she was up to something," the Slytherin said when he reached his friend's side.
"Huh?" Was all Harry could ask.
"How much have you had to drink?" Draco asked.
"What? Oh erm, not sure anymore," Harry said honestly.
Draco shook his head. "I was just saying I should have known Pansy was up to something, when she organised that little game."
"Oh, yeah. Are you mad at her?" Asked Harry.
"I was at first, but I don't think I am anymore. It kinda feels good not having to hide it anymore, you know what I mean?"
Harry just shrugged.
Draco leaned in close then, close enough to whisper into Harry's ear. Harry could feel his breath on his cheek, and he fought ever so hard not to just tilt his head half an inch and capture the blonde's lips in his own. "But you don't know what I mean, do you?" He whispered "Everyone else might have been watching me Harry, but I saw you take that drink." A brief look of panic flickered through Harry's eyes. "Don't worry," Draco continued to whisper softly, "I won't tell anyone your secret."
Their eyes met and Draco held his gaze, even as he moved his head away to a less tempting distance. Harry swallowed the lump that had now formed in his throat and Draco's eyes flickered down to his Adam's apple momentarily.
"I think I have to go, Hermione she was wanting to, the homework so I," and with that Harry took off before he did something he might regret. Never in his life had he ever felt so hot or so flustered, or so horny. How was he going to live in the same dorm as Draco now?
Draco watched him flee with a sense of satisfaction. It all made sense to him now; how Harry hadn't wanted to get changed in front of him at the beginning of term, how he would babble sometimes and make no sense at all, how he was willing to put their differences aside and open up to him. Never in a million years had Draco thought that Harry would like him back, he had been content to just settle with being friends, but now, now he knew there was a whole new world of possibilities.
A month past and nothing seemed to change between Draco and Harry, at least not in the way they both wanted it to. To outsiders, well to observant ones like Hermione, it was obvious the two had become closer, and it was obvious how they felt about each other, but it was also obvious that neither of them had the courage to actually do anything about it. It seemed in this case that the Gryffindor in Harry gone on vacation.
Hermione always kept an eye on Harry, ever since the war had ended and he'd had a hard time dealing with everything, she'd felt it was her responsibility as a friend to look out for him. She knew he didn't need her to anymore, and so she had kept out of his way and just watched from a distance. She knew he was still having some trouble with some things, he hardly slept for example but then he'd always had trouble sleeping. She decided to just let him be, if he needed her help he would come to her, well she hoped he would.
Harry had gotten used to his own unusual sleep pattern. Most nights he would just stay awake as long as possible, until he practically passed out from exhaustion. Tonight was one such night. It was about mid December, and at around 2am he had slipped out of the dorm and come downstairs to the cooler common room. As always he sat on the sofa by the bay window and stared out into the darkness. It was calming, nothing moved, there was hardly a sound, and it was easy to clear his head from all thought. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, like he used to do when he was meditating after the war. He was so relaxed and in his own zone that he practically jumped out of his skin when a voice asked, "mind if I join you?"
He relaxed again when he realised it was just Draco.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," the blonde said.
"It's ok, I didn't hear you coming."
"Erm, would you like a hot chocolate, I'm gonna go make one," Draco offered.
"Sure, that would be nice, thanks," said Harry.
Draco went over to the kitchenette and Harry could hear him opening and closing cupboards and muttering a boiling spell. When he came back over to the sofa he had two mugs of steaming hot chocolate topped with cream, marsh mallows and chocolate sprinkles. Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Perfectionist remember," said Draco.
Harry grinned. "How could I forget?"
They sat together in silence for a while nursing their drinks. The sweet liquid warmed Harry from the inside and he began to feel relaxed again. When the drink was done he put down his mug and sat back, practically sinking into the sofa. It felt so good.
"So what brings you down here at this early hour?" Draco finally asked.
"Same reason as you I'd wager, couldn't sleep," Harry answered.
"Oh I got to sleep alright, it was while I was asleep that I didn't enjoy," Draco said darkly.
Harry frowned. "Bad dreams?"
Draco nodded.
"Me too," Harry confessed.
Silence fell again. Neither were sure what to say to the other. Harry wanted to help Draco, he knew what it was like to suffer from nightmares, he had done so for most of his life, and now it seemed like there was finally a way he could repay the favour for what Draco had done for him during the rebuild.
"You know, Hermione told me that she read once that it helps to talk about them, the nightmares I mean."
"Do you think that really works?" Draco asked, sceptical.
"She's usually right about that kinda stuff."
"She's usually right about everything," mumbled Draco.
Harry snorted rather inelegantly, then turning serious he said, "I'll go first if you like."
Draco hesitated, then he gave a small nod.
Harry sat silently for a few moments gathering his thoughts. He hadn't spoken to anyone about these dreams, but he wanted Draco to trust him.
"I wouldn't really call them nightmares," he began. "In fact, sometimes I actually quite like them. I'm usually somewhere I like, like here at Hogwarts or at the Burrow or, well that's about it really. All my friends are there, and my family. My mum and dad are there," he said smiling, "and Sirius and Remus and Dumbledore, even Snape, everyone I ever loved." His face turned sad now, and Draco realised that everyone he'd mentioned were dead. "They ask me to go with them, to leave this world behind and to... I say no, that I have to stay here but, sometimes I'm not sure I'm making the right choice. Sometimes I wake up and I think, maybe I should have gone with them."
"You can't think that Harry, they're just dreams," said Draco forcefully.
Harry smiled sadly. "They're not though," he said, and then he paused, not sure if he should tell Draco or not. He decided if he really wanted them to be open with each other then maybe he should. "I'm going to tell you something, and I'm telling you because I think I can trust you," he said.
"You can trust me Harry,"
Harry nodded. "During the battle, here at Hogwarts, when Voldemort told me to come to him in the forest I...I went to him, and I... I let him kill me."
Draco's eyes flew open in shock. Whatever he had been expecting to hear it wasn't that.
"What do you mean you let him kill you?"
"I let him kill me, I stood in front of him and he cast Avada Kedavra."
"But then how did you survive? Again?"
"I didn't. I died. It's really hard to explain and it doesn't make much sense, and I don't even fully understand it myself but, I was given the chance to come back. In my head, at least I think it was in my head, I saw Dumbledore. I talked to him and he told me that I had a choice; I could come back and finish what I'd started or, I could go on."
"Go on?"
"Go with him. I could choose to die."
"But you chose to come back right?"
"Well yeah, I had to. Voldemort was still alive, and Nagini. I couldn't just leave everything the way it was. But now that it's over, now that I've done my job I, I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. I sometimes think that, maybe I should have gone with them."
At first Draco didn't know what to say, so without thinking he reached out and took Harry's hand in his own.
"You should never think that Harry," he said. "You have people who love you, friends and family. The entire school stood up to fight for you. You didn't come back to finish a battle or to win a war, you came back for them. You might not think you have anything to live for Harry but believe me, you do."
He squeezed his hand in reassurance and at first he thought that Harry was going to pull away, but then Harry squeezed back and looked up at Draco for the first time since he'd finished his confession.
"Thank you, that means a lot."
Draco nodded again, and rubbed his thumb gently over the back of Harry's hand. For such an intimate gesture it felt so natural, just being here together like this felt like this was how it was always supposed to be between them, but somehow everything just got fucked up from the beginning. They stayed like that for a few moments before Harry spoke again.
"It's your turn," he said quietly.
Draco swallowed. "I'm not sure I want to now," he said.
Harry felt a little disappointed. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No I do want to tell you I just, it doesn't matter, you told me yours so its only fair."
He sat up straight, as if he was preparing himself. Harry thought that he was going to let go of his hand but he didn't.
"I have the same dream most nights," Draco began. "It always starts the same. I'm here at Hogwarts, and I'm," he swallowed again, this was going to be harder than he thought, most of the topics he was about to address they had both avoided so far. "I'm at the top of the astronomy tower." Harry nodded in understanding. "It's just like it was in real life, except Snape doesn't show up. It's me, I cast the spell. I kill him, and I watch him fall knowing that I've ended his life."
When he doesn't continue Harry squeezes his hand again. "It wasn't your fault Draco," he said.
"It was my fault, I let the Death Eaters into the castle, I cornered him. I cursed Katie Bell and I poisoned Weasley. Dumbledore was right, I had a choice and I chose the wrong one. He could have helped me, but I was too blind and too arrogant to see it."
"It wasn't exactly an easy choice to make Draco, you had to protect your family, I would have done the same."
Draco looked up at that. "You would?"
"I think so, if I thought I was doing the right thing."
"There's more. After I watch him fall I run, and I keep on running until I'm home, at the Manor. When I get there it's even more terrifying. There's screaming coming from the drawing room, and laughter, a cruel... well, you know who it is. I open the door and there's blood all over the floor, and she's lying there. Granger. She looks at me, pleading for help but I'm rooted to the spot, helpless. The only thing I can do is turn and run away again, and so I do.
"Then I'm back at Hogwarts, in the courtyard. Everyone is there, everyone I've ever known at school and all of, all of You Know Who's followers. And in the middle there's Hagrid, with you in his arms. I know it's a joke, that at any moment you'll jump up like you did in real life, but you don't, you just lie there, dead. That's usually when I wake up."
When he finished he bowed his head. He looked so sad, so lost and Harry felt like there was only one thing he could really do. Still holding Draco's left hand in his own right one he leaned forward and wrapped his arm around the other man. Draco automatically tensed at the contact, but then he relaxed into the embrace, and brought his own free arm up to wrap around Harry. They sat like that for some time, letting the comfort they found in each others arms wash away their fears and doubts.
When they finally let go Harry felt light headed from the entire situation. His body seemed to be acting of its own accord and he didn't have the will power to stop it. Letting go of Draco's hand he reached up and stroked his fringe out of his eyes so that he could look at him.
"I'm still here," he whispered to Draco.
"Don't ever leave me," Draco whispered back.
This was it, the perfect moment to show him how he really felt. He leaned forward ever so slightly, and just when they were about to close the space between them... loud voices came from the stairway. They jumped apart before whoever it was appeared at the bottom of the steps. Ernie and Justin were completely oblivious to Harry and Draco, and for that they were thankful.
"I didn't realise how late it was, or early, I should really go get ready for class," Harry said, standing up and brushing down his trousers.
"Yeah, I'll be up in a moment too," said Draco.
They shared a smile that was all at once sad yet hopeful, and as Harry ascended the stairs his thought was there is no way he was going to be able to deny his feelings any longer.