Raise Your Glass
Chapter 10
{Third POV}
"Oh my God," Paige continued to complain about police brutality, "That is so wrong! That's so messed up! It's not even human! Who does stuff like that?!"
"Paige," Phil was starting to get partially annoyed with her complaining, "As long as they let us go, who the fuck cares?" Paige narrowed her eyes at the taller, handsome man.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked, shocked that he was taking is so easily, "They literally tased us! In front of a group of kids! Do you not know how humiliating that was?!"
"It was fucking kids!" Phil was starting to get frustrated now as they all walked out of the police station where apparently Jamie's father was waiting outside for them, "What's so humiliating about that? I'm surprised they actually let us go so easily."
"So easily?" Paige snorted sarcastically, "They tased us!"
"No shit." Phil deadpanned.
"Holy fucking shit," Jamie shouted in annoyance as her and Stu led the group out of the station. "Shut up, the both of you! God damn, you two fight like an old married couple and it's bugging the hell out of me!"
Paige blushed furiously and crossed her arms angrily while Phil had to produce a haughty smirk from that comment.
"So," Stu immediately changed subject, directing his sentence towards his now ex-wife, "Why exactly are you not so happy on your father being here?" Jamie snorted, not so lady-like.
"Oh God," Jamie said, laughing a bit, "My father is not exactly the most... well..." she laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly, "Let's just say that all he remembers about his middle name is the first letter..."
"What she means to say is that her dad is stupid," Connie said bluntly from the back of the group. Jamie laughed.
"And kind of mean," Paige added.
"And not to mention intimidating," Connie also added.
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." Jamie nodded.
"Oh," Stu nodded a bit awkwardly, not really sure what to say to that.
They pushed open the doors of the police station and stepped outside into the bright sun.
"Oh fuck," Phil squinted his eyes in the harsh sun before putting on his sunglasses.
"Oh, fresh air," Connie breathed out in relief.
"Yeah, fresh hair," Alan said as he sniffed the pink-haired girl's hair with no shame. Connie jumped back away from him in a disturbed fashion.
"Get the fuck away from me," Connie glared at him as he looked at her innocently.
"What, you said fresh hair," Alan defended himself, placing his hands on his hips.
"I said fresh air, you dumbass," Connie nearly shouted at him.
"Guys, guys, calm down," Paige said as Phil snorted.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past 10 minutes," he commented. Paige rolled her eyes.
"Shut up, Phil."
"Okay, so where's your father, Jamie?" asked Zoey, trying not to sound annoyed with all the arguing couples around her.
"Uhmmm..." Jamie looked around the parking lot before she spotted a familiar figure across the lot, holding up a cardboard sign that read 'Jamie Webster AKA Lezzie Lohan!' Jamie rolled her eyes, "Found the fat fuck."
Everyone followed her towards her father. Jamie's father was standing in front of a mini-van. He was a middle-aged short, fat man standing at about five feet with a balding head and grey-hair with a walking cane.
"Don't you think the sign's a bit too much?" Jamie asked with a slight smile on her face while approaching her Dad.
"Nah, nothing's too much for my lesbian daughter," her father replied with a huge smile. Stu and Phil exchanged confused looks that both obviously read 'What the fuck?!'
"Whatever, you little Lorax."
"Hey, I'm not that short! You're just too tall for me, Stretch." Her father, named Sam, said to his daughter jokingly.
"Call me Stretch one more time, I'm calling you Danny DeVito," Jamie smirked down at her father.
"God damn, why does everybody keep calling me that?" he asked in his usual grumpy voice. Jamie genuinely smiled and gave her father a hug.
"Ah, I missed you, Dad," Jamie let go off Sam and crossed her arms.
"Ah, I missed you even more, you little trouble-making shit," Sam laughed heartily, "So, what are you bitches doing down here in town? I had no idea you actually had guy friends."
"Well," Paige laughed a bit awkwardly. "We're just kind of... acquaintances."
"Let me guess," Sam spoke, "You actually don't know each other but instead got wasted together, is that what it is?"
"No, it isn't, sir," Stu actually had the guts to speak up to the older and shorter, intimidating man. "We uh-"
"Okay, first of all, don't refer to me as 'sir'. It makes me sound like an old motherfucker." Sam pointed his cane threateningly at Stu who jumped a bit in surprise. Sam laughed at Stu's reaction with his cane, "Pussy."
"Daddy," Jamie narrowed her eyes at the shorter man, "Chill your fat ass out, be nice to Stu. He's just a dentist." At that moment, Sam started barking out laughter, making Stu feel somewhat offended by this.
Phil smiled at the older man's hilarious reaction, "I kinda like this guy already."
"Thanks, Phil," Stu shot sarcastically.
"What are you doing here, Mr. Webster?" asked Zoey as politely as she could, wanting to get straight to the point as she stood impatiently.
"Isn't it obvious I'm here to haul all your asses out of jail?" Sam said sarcastically.
"You're too late for that, pop." Jamie said arrogantly as if she were proud. "Cause we already hauled our asses out of jail without your help."
Sam laughed, "How the fuck'd you manage that?"
"We got... tased..." Connie told him.
Sam started to laugh like a hyena before he started to cough really badly from how much laughter was bubbling out of his chest. Instantly, Stu patted his back to save him from coughing to death before Sam thrusted his cane... right into the dentist's genitals. Stu cried a girly shriek, clutching his privates before falling down to the dirty pavement. Phil and Alan started to laugh while the girl's looked down at Stu in sympathy.
"Dad, what the fuck was that for?" Jamie glared at Sam before leaning down to check to see if her ex-husband was all right.
"Your fag of a boyfriend was touching me." Sam wheezed out. "I didn't want to get faggot cooties. Trust me, they spread like STD's around here. Also, I didn't want to catch herpes."
"Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?" Jamie helped Stu up.
Sam paused, "Nope." He clasped his hands together. "Okay, you guys look and smell like gas station mexican food."
"Thank you," Alan said with a smile on his hairy face. "I did enjoy my bean burrito yesterday."
"Shut up, Alan!" Connie was starting to get seriously annoyed with the man-child.
"Okay, Dad, look, it was tolerably nice seeing you under forced circumstances but we really should be going. We have to pick up their Mercedes, we still have to find their friend Doug-"
"No, I don't think so. I'm not gonna let you guys running around looking like absolute shit. Here, why don't you guys come down to my place for a few hours and take a breather and shower and change and hygiene shit like that. I mean, you just got fucking tased."
"Uhm, Sam right?" Phil asked. "I mean, it's a nice gesture but we really should be focusing on our important errands!"
"Nonsense," Sam laughed, "A few hours ain't gonna kill you. Consider this your lucky day, whatever the fuck your name is."
Phil sighed and rubbed the back of his neck frustratingly.
"Yeah by the way dad, you need to have a serious talk with fucking Mr. Jenson, man, cause that tasing shit ain't cool." Jamie said angrily.
Sam laughed and patted his daughter on the shoulder. "Ah, I've missed you, my little niglet. All right, everyone, get in the mini-van! Let's blow this motherfucking joint!"
Everyone reluctantly piled into the mini-van while Sam drove and Jamie sitting in the passenger seat.
"So... how was last night?" Sam asked curiously as he drove towards his home. Everyone stiffended.
"Uhhh..." Jamie thought out loud hesitantly. "You know... the usual... got wasted... stole a police car... got married... adopted a baby... I'll tell you another thing, it was definitely one hell of a birthday party."
"Oh yeah, I forgot it was your birthday, happy birthday James," Jamie glared at her father using her old nickname. Phil laughed out loud when he heard that, followed by Stu. Jamie slowly turned around in her seat to glare at the two men. "So how old are you again?"
"Thirty," Jamie responded dryly.
"Oh shit," Sam laughed, "I thought you were 41."
"Gee, thanks, Dad. I feel loved." Note the sarcasm.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a fucking second," Sam stopped laughing when he realized something. "You got married? And adopted...? Damn, girl, didn't know you had it in you! And all in one night too!"
"Yup," Jamie said not so enthusiastically.
"So, who's the unlucky bastard?" Sam asked, keeping his eyes on the road.
"Uhmmm..." Jamie hesitated. "Uhhhh... uhhhh... somebody..."
"Who is this somebody?"
"Uhhh... uhhhh... Paige help me out here..."
"Don't bring me into this." Paige said in annoyance.
"Uhmm... let's just say you had the pleasure in beating him in the ballsack with your beloved cane..."
Sam almost slammed on the brakes, "YOU MARRIED A FAGGOT?!"
"HE'S NOT A FAGGOT, HE'S A DENTIST!" Jamie shouted. Stu shrunk in his seat from embarrassment.
"AND YOU ADOPTED A BABY WITH THIS FAGGOT?!"
"DAD I WAS WASTED!" Jamie defended herself.
"OKAY, JUST STOP FIGHTING FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS! YOU TWO ARE ACTING CHILDISH! NOW CALM DOWN AND TURN ON THE RADIO OR I'M GONNA SHOOT MYSELF!" Paige bellowed, making Jamie and her father instantly shut up.
"Haha, with what gun?" Alan asked while laughing.
"I'll find one," Paige said dryly. "And when I do, I will shoot you in the face."
"Ouch," Alan winced.
"This is gonna be a loooong ride." Connie sighed in annoyance while Zoey nodded and agreed with her.
When they finally arrived at Sam's house, everyone dropped their jaws at the sight of the house. No, it wasn't even a normal house. It was practically a fucking mansion. Jamie stepped from the mini-van at her father's home, gaping at the large mansion that set beyond the sidewalk, towering over her as if attempting to intimidate her. The cream coating of the paint shined as the sun beat down on it, causing Jamie to have to squint. Uniquely twisted fencing kept the house enclosed, neatly trimmed hedges surrounded the house. The roof was peaked, slanting down at an angle. The windows had royal purple curtains hanging on the other side of them, drawn so that the sunlight could stream through.
As she stepped onto the sidewalk, Jamie noticed a marble fountain sitting towards the right side of the lawn. An angel holding a flower was perched on top, looking up towards the sky. Water spurted from its other hand, which lay gently out in front of it, as if waiting for someone to take it in return. The water fell gently towards the crystal blue pool beneath it, causing ripples to form and wave out until they were no more.
Bushes trimmed into all sorts of animals and people littered the parts of the lawn that was not taken up by the fountain: cats, dogs, rabbits, giraffes, elephants, penguins, birds, snakes...All life-size. Jamie walked towards the extravagant house, down the little stone path to the black door.
"God damn, Dad," Jamie looked around in awe. "How come we never lived in a place like this when I was growing up?"
"Holy shit," Phil laughed, looking like a child in a candy store. "This is a sweet crib, you got here, Sam."
"Thanks, whatever the fuck your name is." Sam said, walking towards the entrance.
"Phil," he offered.
"Ha, like it matters," Sam snorted before unlocking the front door and stepping in.
The black and white linoleum floor of the entrance glowed, obviously having been cleaned before they came. Stairs lay across the room, climbing toward the ceiling. A doorway was on either side of the room, one admitting you into the kitchen, the other into the living room. The walls were a dark blue with silver brush swipes crossing over it, creating a shimmer effect.
"Holy shit," Stu exclaimed breathlessly.
"Sam, this place is awesome!" Connie complimented.
"Thanks, Strawberry Shortcake." Sam patted her shoulder before walking away from the group as if he was bored.
"Hey, Dad, where are you going?" Jamie raised her arms as if to say 'What the fuck, man?'.
"You're big kids now, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I don't care." Sam shouted down the hall.
"Kay, Dad, thanks for the help." Jamie said sarcastically before turning to her friends. "Okay, this has been extremely awkward but I am going to go take a shower now! See ya!"
"Oh no, you don't!" Phil gripped her shoulder as she tried to leave. "You got us into this mess so you better talk to your dad and make sure he gets us back to get our Mercedes or I swear I'll-"
"Abuse of a woman is not good on your account, Philip," Jamie said threateningly as Phil glared at her. Finally, he loosened his grip on her shirt before sighing.
"Okay, so now what?" he asked, a little more wearily this time.
"Here: I've got a game plan." Jamie announced.
"Oh God," Paige groaned. Jamie ignored her.
"All of us should take a moment to relax and maybe take showers since we do kind of smell like shit. After that, I'll force my Dad to drive us back down to the station to retrieve the Mercedes and we continue to find Doug and then when we do, we part ways and everything will go back to normal. Sound cool?"
"Fine," Phil succumbed.
"Whatever," Paige mumbled.
"Okay," Stu caved.
Jamie smiled, "Awesome. Now, chop-chop! We don't have all day!"
Then, all of a sudden, a little fat Chihuahua came running down the staircase while barking madly.
"Germer!" Jamie exclaimed, smiling at the little fat dog.
"That thing is still alive?" Paige asked with disgust evident in her voice.
"What the fuck is that thing?" Phil asked, pointing a finger at it while Jamie enthusiastically grabbed the dog.
"Oh, I've always wanted a rat!" Alan said excitedly.
"This isn't a rat, Alan," Jamie said happily, showing the happy dog to everyone. "This is my puplet." She said in a fake Italian accent before giving the dog kisses and smootches.
"Oh God," Connie looked at the dog in disgust.
"Hey, Germer, why don't you say hi to my ex-husband?" Jamie held out the dog for Stu to see. Right as the dog set eyes on Stu, it began to snarl. Stu looked between the dog and Jamie worriedly.
"Jamie, I don't think your dog likes me."
"Of course, my dog likes you. He likes everyone, doesn't he?" Jamie cooed to the dog while it gave her kisses and growled at Stu like he wanted to kill him.
"Okay, Germer, go do whatever it is dogs do... or whatever you do considering you're not like normal dogs." Jamie told the Chihuahua. She set the fat dog down. Instantly, the dog barred his teeth at a nervous Stu before walking away casually.
Phil was whistling an old sixties' song, trying to put himself in a better mood while taking a nice, hot shower. The pressure of the showerhead felt great and he really needed it considering he got tased in the very sensitive area of his entire body.
The shower also managed to calm him down especially since he was so stressed at the moment. They couldn't find Doug. What would happen if they never found him? Phil didn't even want to know the answer to that. Tracy would have all their heads if they never found him.
Shaking the disturbing thought out of his head, Phil turned off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a clean towel around his waist.
Still whistling, he exited the bathroom, grabbing his clothes from the toilet and walking to the closest room so he could change. Without even bothering to knock, Phil walked in only to find Paige standing in her white bra and panties.
"Oh my God," Paige gasped in shock before quickly covering her body with a towel. "What the hell, Phil? Can't you knock?"
"And miss the show?" Phil joked, smirking at the sight of her blushing. She was too cute. "Okay, I'm sorry, babe. That was my bad."
"Get. Out." She gritted her teeth.
"Okay, okay," Phil raised his hands in defense. "I'm leaving." Then he closed the door, but not before calling out, "Nice rack by the way."
"Men..." Paige mumbled out annoyed.
"Women..." Phil smirked to himself as he walked away from her room.
Meanwhile, Jamie was just getting out of the shower.
"I believe I can flyyyy." She sang obnoxiously loud. "I believe I can touch the sky!"
Suddenly, when she tried stepping out of the shower, she ended up slipping on the floor, hitting her head against the side of the tub, causing her to cry out in pain.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Jamie clutched her head.
Before she could even react, the bathroom door burst open. Much to Jamie's surprise, Stu ran in to check to see if she was all right.
"Oh my God, are you okay?" Stu squeaked a bit in surprise when he realized that Jamie was lying on the floor in the nude.
"Does it look like I'm okay? I just fell on my clumsy ass and hit my head against the tub! It's no big deal if I get a concussion or anything." She said sarcastically, not even bothering to cover herself up.
When Jamie actually looked up, she noticed that the dentist was only wearing a towel around his waist.
"Nice chest hair," Jamie broke the awkward silence. Stu looked down at her briefly before blushing madly.
"Nice boobs."
"Thanks..."
Everything was all awkwardly quiet as Jamie slowly came to realization that she was still lying on the floor naked.
"Oh..." Jamie slowly grabbed a towel and covered her body.
"You need some help?" Stu offered.
"Duh." Jamie playfully rolled her eyes as she wrapped the towel completely around her while Stu offered a hand. She gratefully took it and he easily hoisted her up. Jamie felt a bit overwhelmed by his taller height than her. It made her feel a bit weak. She looked into his blue eyes and noticed, "Hey, you're not wearing your glasses."
"Thanks... you're like the first person to actually notice that." He sounded genuinely surprised and happy.
"You're welcome, did anybody ever tell you that you have really pretty blue eyes?"
"Really?" his tone sounded kind of high-pitched and excited before he quickly cleared his throat and spoke in a more deeper tone than his girly voice. "Erm, thank you. Did anybody ever tell you that you have a gorgeous body?"
"Well, I do get a lot of compliments when I go to the beach."
Stu's pupils widened and he began to blush instantly. She didn't know why, but Jamie found it adorable. Realizing they were both standing naked with only towels covering up their bodies, Stu mumbled out in a flustered voice, "I'm just gonna..." he started backing out of the bathroom, still red as a tomato. "I'll leave you to it..." Then he shut the bathroom door closed.
Jamie stood there, laughing a bit, "What the fuck just happened?"
So uhhmm... I hope you enjoyed the chap... lol? A little PhilxPaige and StuxJamie action in there. Just note that I am very terrible with writing cheesy ass romance scenes so I hope I did okay...
And for Jamie's father, I do imagine him as Danny DeVito, I don't know why lol. So I really hope you guys enjoyed this chap!
So, next chapter, they finally get back the Mercedes and meet Chow! Stay tuned for that! Love ya'll! And please review xoxo