Here you go hope you enjoy...

I don't own the good wife.

Chapter 10

Grace turned another of the yellow pages with the by now slightly faded writing, though not enough to cause her troubles with reading the words there. It was the last page in the book she was at, and she had brought yet another with her already. She knew she shouldn't be reading this. That she had no business in reading this, and yet she couldn't help it. She had found them by mistake when she went through some old boxes a few weeks ago. She was looking for a couple of her mom's old law books and she had found these; her mother's old journals at the bottom of a box. There had been a lot of them.

She had never known her mom actually kept a journal, let alone that she seemed to have been using it often. There had been some from her teenage years, Grace had only skimmed through those, and the same with those from college. Her mother seemed to really have been as good and quiet as Owen had kept telling them. So those diaries had mostly been about school, a few friends and some crushes of hers. The really interesting books - and those Grace was reading at the moment- were those from her time at Georgetown.

Her mother has still not been wild or anything but unlike the others these books told Grace things she didn't know. These books showed another side of her mother that she hadn't expected, and mostly they told her a story of two young people in love, two people that clearly belonged together if they had just been able to make it work. A story she wished she had known a long time ago.

Years ago her mother had mentioned that her and Will had known each other in law school. Grace had overheard a conversation where Will had more or less told her mother over the phone that he had feelings for her back in those days and that they would have been good together. But her mother had back then answered it would have been different and they would only have lasted a week.

Now reading these diaries, Grace knew that it was not true at all, there was nothing weak-like about the feelings her mother clearly had for Will Gardner back then. Instead it told her a story of a young girl very much in love and afraid of having her heart broken by a guy that was her best friend. A guy she was in love with but scared to let know about her feelings as she feared he would only want something loose with her, because she saw the string of women he seemed to spent time with. A girl that was so much attached that she considered if it was worth loosing on her principles to have a chance with him, to give into what was there between them only for a night because one night might be better than nothing. Grace was shocked and her heart ached for her mom more and more with each page she wrote.

Pages of how they seemed to be tying with a line more and more, a line that seemed to be crossed more and more but never fully. She had been smiling at the description her mother had of their first kiss. And how happy that kiss had made her. But as she was reading the last few pages her heart was breaking. This part had been about her mother first thinking that Will was getting serious with a girlfriend of his back home, and then learning they were over and that Will had said he had fallen in love with someone else.

Grace had found herself hoping he would finally tell her mother it was her and yet that had not come, he had not done more with it, and her mother had been left thinking it had only been an excuse on his part to avoid commitment and enjoy his freedom in law-school to it's fullest.

Grace had let out a sad sigh, feeling like the two that had obviously been meant for each other had missed the chance of something amazing. She also felt terrible reading how her mother had feared getting with Will, that he would end up preferring something loose and non-committed, and if she had demanded or wished for more she feared he would have cheated on her. The last part broke Grace's heart. It seemed clear to her more and more, though she had yet to come to the books about her father. Her mother hadn't gotten with Will out of fear, and her dad had probably been the safe choice, one where she felt she didn't have to fear having her heart broken in the worst of ways. And yet she had gotten just that from the one that she hadn't seen it coming from, while the other one, well Grace didn't know much personally about that, but from what she knew Will seemed to have been a constant in her mother's life even when he didn't need to. She was still living at home when they got together again, and even though it was never spoken off, both her and Zach had fully known that their mother was seeing Will, and she had for a period of eight months not long after their parents had separated and her mother had moved dad out of the apartment. Zach and her had actually for months expected that their mom would at some point come home and tell them they were to be introduced to her boyfriend, Will. Even more after Zach had run into him at their mother's work. Yet it hadn't come, and instead they had soon seen their mother more restless, sad, almost depressed, clearly missing something, or rather someone. It hadn't been hard for her to figure out that whatever had been there, it was over, and she had secretly feared that she herself had been the reason behind that.

She couldn't at that point say she supported the idea of her mother with someone else, or even liked the idea. Actually she had hated even the thought of it, and yet she hadn't hated how much happier her mother had seemed at first, when she was sure she had just started seeing Will. She had actually felt happy for her mother, she deserved to smile like that and be that relaxed, something Grace hadn't seen in her once after the scandal had broken. However the thought of another man in her mother's life, one replacing their dad had hurt, and that was why she hadn't said anything about how she could accept her mother with Will if it made her happy until almost 1½ year later, that night she had found out from her grandmother that she had been an accident, that her mom and dad might not have wanted her. And though her mother later said she was not an accident and that they had wanted her and she had loved her while pregnant and the same with Zach. She had still tried to finally tell her mother in her own words that she didn't want to be the reason she wasn't with the one she really wanted to be with. In other words she hoped she had made clear that her mother should be with Will if he was who she wanted. Yet her mother hadn't seemed to want that at the time. And her parents had stayed together.

That was until election night, when things had changed. The night before she had seen her mom with Will a few times and it had unsettled her to see how they were with each other. She had never said anything about the feeling she had that night, but she hadn't really been that surprised then her parents told them shortly after the election they were separated again and were getting a divorce. She had been more surprised when her mother hadn't gotten together with Will. Instead, 9 months after she had come and told her and Zach that she was pregnant. She had more than once speculated about if the child was Will's because it would have made sense but the way they both acted with it she was pretty sure it was not the case. Because though Will had been there, and even more after both Zach and herself had asked him to be, he wasn't involved in the pregnancy like she would have assumed he would have been, given he was the father, and her little sister had also grown up with calling him uncle Will and never daddy.

She read the last few lines on the page and closed the book, her heart heavy. She felt sad. She at least understood more and more of what was really going on and had always been going on with each book she read. She pulled up her bag and found the next of the books, and opened it, while checking her watch. She still had a few hours before she had made plans with Jack, a guy she had met at a party last week, and had her first class in jurisdiction with today. Today, that made her smile, today had been her first real day at law school, and here she was sitting at the DC. Mall reading her mother's diaries for her time at law school.

Grace opened the diary and like always felt a bit more nervous because she knew she should put it away, she was intruding in her mother's private thoughts, and it was wrong. But it was too tempting not to read this, so like always she skimmed over the first page and started to read the next of the books.

Alicia let out a deep sigh as she let her head rest in her hands, while she stared at the highlighted email. An email that had been highlighted most of the day but she still hadn't opened. She had no idea what it said and even less if she wanted to know it. Well a part of her wanted to know, but another thought it would be better for her not to open it. She had always been confused when it came to the two men in her life and it seemed like now it was not different. She stared at the name shining back at her; Gov. Peter Florrick. She was not even sure if it was a personal email from him or one typed by some assistant of his. Though the title line with I Am Sorry told her otherwise. Still she felt unsure. She had felt confused and even more nervous and on the edge since Saturday morning where she had learned that him and Meredith had apparently broken up, a rumor that had been confirmed over yesterday, and officially today in the morning.

It had not been easier after everything that had happened with Will, especially after spending the most amazing day with him and Cat through the rest of Saturday. One that had seemed like a teaser of what could have been if she had said yes to his proposal. One that still haunted her mind to the point of having nightmares of him marrying Sabrina and having a couple of curly haired twins with her, and Cat asking why he never came to see her anymore and where her daddy was. Something that had let Alicia to dream of telling Peter about his little girl. But unlike the other times where she had dreamed that and it had all ended in him smiling, hugging her, sometimes even kissing her, but always being happy and excited, this one had been a nightmare of his anger with her and applying for solo custody, something he had gotten, and suddenly she had been left alone, no Cat, no Will, no Peter, not to mention her other children that had hated her too. She had woken up soaking in sweat, and only hours after fallen back asleep, falling from a nightmare into another of Will in bed with Sabrina, both laughing over a call from Alicia about a case. And Will telling the other woman that she meant everything to him, and Alicia had only always used him, taking advantage of his good heart. That he loved the other woman and she was the real one for him, he had only been blinded by a memory of someone Alicia once was, but would never be again. Followed by him kissing that woman and them making love, while he whispered declarations of love to that woman. And she had no problem saying the same words back. Words Alicia had wanted, and wished to hear and whisper to him while they made love that special night between Friday and Saturday.

She had been avoiding him most of the day, only seeing him for a few minutes a few hours before. She quickly glanced over at his office. The light was still on and she could see the silhouette of both him and someone else, working in his office. She took an extra look and realized it was the very woman haunting her nightmares, the one she knew could possibly make Will happy someday. Yet the same thought that had partly been her reason for saying no to his proposal, now filled her with a desire to vomit. It was making her stomach clench in something almost like clamps.

"If you don't stop staring at them you will soon have to find someone to defend you for murder, unless you prefer to represent yourself." A voice coming from the side door to her office made Alicia flinch. She hadn't realized how obvious she had been in her staring. She quickly looked away and over at Kalinda, who was standing in the doorway.

"You look like someone that could use a drink..." Kalinda mentioned to her, quickly glancing in the direction Alicia had been staring. "The last hour you have just been staring at your screen, until 15 min ago when you decided to try out murder with your eyes." She glanced back at Alicia, while Alicia felt herself blush a little over having been caught in her staring.

"I can't... I should get home... it is already late..." Alicia apologized while glancing at her watch. She felt terrible when she saw it was already past eight in the night, and her daughter would already be in bed, and she hadn't made it home to tuck her in.

"Why? I am sure your little secret is already sleeping peacefully, and your mother is there." Kalinda pointed out to her. Alicia shook her head in light amusement. It was not often her and Kalinda talked about Cat. Of course the investigator knew about her daughter; though Alicia had never told her herself, she had still found out. And she had showed up at Alicia's home while she was on leave before giving birth with a book and a bottle of red wine saying Alicia could enjoy the book now and the wine months later, when she could drink again. She had also given her a present, later after she had given birth, and one for Cat. But she normally didn't mention Alicia's daughter, or hinted anything about her. And she hadn't met or seen Cat many times. She basically knew about her and that was it.

Alicia sighed. Kalinda was right, she could use a drink and her mother was there, and hurrying home right now wouldn't do anything good, her baby girl was still already asleep.
"One drink?" She asked and looked up at Kalinda who nodded, and Alicia sighed once more, got up from her chair and grabbed her bag and jacket.

"Your keys?" Kalinda asked and Alicia rolled her eyes lightly as she handed her car keys to the other woman as they walked to the elevator. She felt even more nauseous as she walked past Will's office noticing how he was laughing and relaxed with the other woman. It used to be them acting like that. She tried to remember when they had last worked late like that, and she couldn't remember. And that made her feel even worse. She forced her gaze away. She really could use that drink Kalinda had offered her. A drink was very much was she needed right now. A drink would be what the doctor ordered for her, with everything going on with Will, Peter and herself right now. Everything from the damn email to the repugnance of seeing Will with the other woman, all of that would feel better with after a couple of tequila shots.

Please let me know your thoughts on this one... let me know if you are still with me on this journey :-) Also reviews does encourage me to write more and faster ;-) at least when my muse is there which she is at the moment... hint I already have chapter 11 written.

Review replies

Chap 8:

Emily: I am sorry I forgot to reply in the last chapter... I am thankful you love where this story is going, and I hope you continue to love it... and love the road... yes I had Alicia admit to loving Will at a point which I guess also was showed even more in this chapter... I know it is sad, it is a heartbreak story, I feel like crying everytime I write on it... lmao yes Meredith was a bitch and she needed to go...

You Know who.. Thanks for the review hun ;-) I am glad you liked the chapter... both the Peter part and the AW parts ;-) and yes Meredith is a bitch and we all hate her:-)

Chapter 9

Sarah I am glad you have read the story form the beginning and loves it:-) thank you for reading and reviewing...