Behind the mask CH.10: Feelings that don't come across

Unfamiliar sheets met my eyes opening in the haze of what had happened. The room came into focus and the pillow beside me shifted. I groggily stared around unsure of where I was. The sheets were of a teal color that reminded of someone; these weren't mine.

My head turned to account for the grumbling/shifting bulk currently lying with a heavy arm across my abdomen.

I was naked.

Okay.

I don't usually sleep in the nude.

My clothes were tossed, if I bothered to look, on the floor beside the bed. I know, because I inched away and peeked discreetly, seeing with alarm my underwear draped neatly by the lamp on the bedside table.

My lower half ached.

Blink.

I am not in a strange bed lying between moist sheets.

Blink.

That is not a head of teal hair lying scrunched up beside me.

Blink.

I need to wake up already.

Blink. Nothing's disappearing.

I DID NOT JUST HAVE SEX WITH GRIMMJOW!!!

"G'morning." Mumbled a sleepy voice by my elbow.

"You did." Chimed in my inner-Hollow, "and let me just say. It is NOT like the birds and the bees."

"Shaddup!!!!!" roared Shunten, flying out of nowhere and head-butting him.

Oh my Gods. I did.

Grimmjow, oblivious to the tussle going on inside my mind, dragged me down from my sitting position, tilting my face to his and pressing a soft kiss to my lips. "Good morning, love." He said.

~*~

I am never going to live this down.

It doesn't help that I was seen scuttling out clandestinely from Grimm's room, my dress a little wrinkled and my hair mussy; otherwise fine. But oh no, it had to be Stark strolling down the hallway with Nnoitora in tow. They had been sent to wake up Grimm for the meeting which we were both late to.

I was just closing the damn door when a low whistle came up behind me.

When I turned to see who it was, Stark's raised brows and Nnoitora's leering grin made me want to sink into the floor. "Meeting." Stark said after a moment, surveying me slowly from head-to-toe and lingering irritatingly on my lower half.

"Uh—sure." I said, clutching at the front of my coat keeping the ends closed.

I wanted them to leave.

"Is Grimmjow awake?"

I felt the heat rise on my cheeks at his probing look but managed to stutter a response, "how—how should I know?"

Stark sent me another look heavy with meaning; don't think I'm an idiot. I know what you did.

At least that was how I was reading it.

"I uh—he um—"

"Is he any good?" Nnoitora interrupted with a gleam in his onyx eye.

"Lord Aizen is waiting." Came yet a third voice with a hint of impatience. I shuddered to turn my guilty gaze to the slender black-haired Arrancar that had advanced silently in our midst. "Ulquiorra." Stark said looking mildly surprised. I felt cold eyes sweep past him to me.

My knees felt weak.

Then away.

I wasn't relieved. It was more of a dismissal then anything else. But…why should I care? Why should there be this knot of guilt twisting my insides when I know he cares nothing for me? Because you love him, something in me says. And I know this was a mistake, I admit.

I almost don't want to look at him. I nearly don't. But there is a part of me that hopes—however ridiculous it may be that I will see something in his expressionless face. A spark of anger a look of disgust. But when I do, I'm disappointed. It's as unreadable and devoid of feeling as always. I know what I must do.

~Ulquiorra's p.o.v~

She tilts her chin up, her gaze haughty as if I haven't seen her rutting with an animal. She says, "Shall we go? We mustn't keep our Lord waiting." I sense the mockery that belies her words and something within me stirs. I feel anger. It burns through my chest falling heavily into the pits of my stomach where it festers like an open wound.

I nod slightly, indicating that I have heard her. I turn to walk back the way I have come, thinking they will follow. She strolls past me. Her hand flipping through the thick waves of her hair leaving it ripple across her shoulders like a dark curtain. "What about Grimmjow?" Stark asked, not seeming to particularly care but otherwise attempting to complete his task.

Sakuya didn't spare him a glance, "he'll be along shortly." She said dismissively.

I wondered how she knew this.

Our footsteps meld together into a rhythmic tapping on the tile. My eyes having abstaining from wandering to her; disobeyed me now, roving over her stony profile. I could sense his reiatsu intertwined intimately within hers.

"Is something wrong, Schiffer?" she asked quietly, her gaze flickered over and held mine for a second. I was unable to read her expression. "I do not understand what you are referring to." I lied. Her glance was enough to send shivers up my spine.

"Don't you?"

Stark and Nnoitora were straining to hear our every word.

"This is not the time for this. We will speak later if you wish." I said curtly.

"Fine." She dismissed as if growing bored with me.

~*~

We sat across from one another. My Lord didn't seem so perturbed at the absence of one his Espada in the conspicuously empty chair beside Stark. The meeting commenced but I was unable to focus. Our Lord spoke and we appeared to listen.

He talked of many things.

Though I cannot recall most. My eyes were on him, but my mind was elsewhere in channels that went against my orders. I couldn't stop thinking about her. The image of them together ran in circles in my thoughts. I felt betrayed but why I did not know. It didn't seem realistic this sensation, because I didn't understand how she could have. I didn't care for her. I was convincing myself of this every waking moment. If I slept, I dreamt of nothing. I didn't dream her face for that I was relieved. I wouldn't be able to stand it if my every thought eventually turned to her.

There was a slight movement and I averted my gaze from my Lord. She was raising the mug of lightly steaming tea to her lips. Stark waggled his eyebrows at her and her mouth quirked up in response. No one in the Espada had ever tasted the tea served to us before each meeting. I sensed my Lord's attention caught and he too, awaited her reaction.

Her smile disappeared around the ring of the rim. After a moment she set it down and shrugged slightly, "it's not bad. Green tea with a hint of Lemongrass?" Lord Aizen nodded, in his chin propped in his hand. I noticed he seemed to be fond of gazing at her during moments of quiet when Director General Tosen was preparing a screen visual. A slight curl curved his lip during these times as it did now even though his tone was the same. It could have been mistaken for a smile.

"Do you have anything to add, Enomoto-san?"

I was surprised. I had rarely ever heard him use her last name.

Her fine brow lifted and her hands played around the cup, folding contemplatively as she addressed him. "Add?" she echoed then her lips curved in the semblance of a faint smile. "Do you wish for my true opinion?"

My Lord tapped his fingers on the tabletop, spreading his palm out in her direction, "yes."

"I think…" she began after a moment of quietly studying his face, "that your plan is flawed."

Director General Tosen hissed something and Lord Aizen interceded, "let her speak. Go on." he smiled in a reassuring way to Sakuya. The rest of us held our breath. No one had ever questioned him before or even been asked to. What would she say?

"The Soul reapers—Soul society aren't foolish enough to risk a full on battle above the skies of that town. What I think is more likely…" she faltered, biting her lip. My Lord favored her with another look, "continue."

"They'll set a trap and divide their forces. They want to break apart ours and separate us and that can only be accomplished by trapping—oh say—the three strongest Espada. Then they'll just have a small force protecting the town and possibly even stage an attack here once they see the majority are somewhere else."

"How do you think this?" his gaze was fastened on her face, probingly.

"I well—you have to think like them. The place where Ulquiorra and Yammy landed, sustained some damage. They have to be thinking up ways to divert the destruction of that area if we were to assault them directly." She said, seeming to forget that Lord Aizen, Ichimaru and Tosen were Soul reapers.

"That makes sense. I applaud your reasoning. However…" he stared her down with a penetrating look. "If your hypothesis is correct how would you say we could avoid falling into their trap?"

She chewed her lip thoughtfully then answered, "by calling a bluff. Going along with the invasion, letting them think we were sending in our strongest Espada but…they would really be fakes."

A frown creased Stark's brow, "how would we do that?"

She turned to us now, "take three Arrancars label them with numbers 1-through-3 and have the Soul reapers believe they were facing off with the most powerful. We stand back. They kill them easily, think it's over and head back to the town."

"And we follow and finish them up when their guard is down." Stark nodded. Even I could see some wisdom to this. My Lord also seemed pleased. "Very insightful, my dear. I must commend your powers of subterfuge if such a situation were to present itself." She blushed delicately and quietly assented, "I am glad you didn't believe me too forthright, Aizen."

"No, no. Never." He beamed at her, "your theories are always welcome. In fact you remind me more of Ichimura-san than when I first met you." I caught her startled look before it was smoothed over into brooding silence. That name. I myself found it strange that it had the flavor of one I've heard long ago but had forgotten. A strange sensation accompanied that thought, almost like a deep shrinking within my being as if something were recoiling, crawling away from my Lord's words.

Run, Sa—

I snapped to attention. Where had that come from? Certainly no one had spoken. I seemed to be the only one who had heard it. Everyone was standing; the meeting was over. Someone touched my shoulder and I glanced up. It was Sakuya beside my chair, looking down at me without the normal emotion I'd come to expect from her regarding me.

"Come on. Were you day-dreaming or something?"

"I don't dream." I said flatly, moving out from under her hand and pushing my chair back. I wondered if Grimmjow was going to be punished and found myself faintly euphoric at the thought. She observed my expression, "what're you thinking about?" I stepped away from the table, ignoring her question. I walked toward the doors, to my surprise she followed.

"Penny for your thoughts." She offered as we went out. I thought her mood change abrupt. The woman went from arrogant and haughty to mild and friendly. We were reflective of one thing or the other. Never of the two more evocative of being from the so-called heart.

I puzzled this even as her starkly yellow eyes studied me, keeping near apace as the first time we walked down the halls of Las Noches together. The reminder didn't bode so well for me. At the turn in the corridor that diverged in two separate ways, heavy footsteps met us.

"Is it over already?" Grimmjow boomed, the hands that had held her so closely during the night, rested cockily on each hip. "You snooze you lose." She said playfully and his grin changed into a leer. "Oh yeah? Well what did I miss out on? Could you fill me in?"

I knew he was going to reach for her, pull her close; I didn't want to see it.

"Lord Aizen wished for us both to carry out a mission. We mustn't be delayed any longer." I marveled at myself, the lie spilling eagerly from my tongue. Grimmjow glanced from her to me, knowing there was nothing he could say. He hadn't been there. If she called me on it…

"Oh that's right!" She smiled up at him, "sorry, Grimm. Ulquiorra's right. We'd better go."

I don't know if he sensed something or not, but when he next spoke, there was a hint of suspicion in his tone. "Where are you going?"

"Forest of the Menos." She said readily. "Aizen wanted us to scout out some Vasto Lordes. See if we can build up the army some more."

He didn't doubt her.

"Be careful then." He said to her, to me his eyes narrowed into hard slits, "let something happen to her and I'll fucking kill you." I glanced at him unafraid. Don't worry. I won't. Instead I murmured softly to him, "if she allowed herself to be hurt then she isn't worthy of her position."

He growled.

I walked after her.

~*~

We Sonido'd for a while across the dunes, away from Las Noches. When she came to a stop I did as well, going to rest beneath a monolith of white rock emerging from the sand. She folded herself down neatly, one knee upraised. I wasn't sure why we were out here. I had lied to get her alone, away from Grimmjow. Away from my Lord, I would be punished severely if he was told of this.

"Ulquiorra."

I didn't lift my gaze from the stretch of white sand beneath my feet.

"We don't have to talk."

I lived in silence. I would never speak another word if I could have it this way.

She sat and I stood near her, two beings reveling in the sense of just being. No words between us. No appearances of deceit acted out for the sake of another. This was how it was before. Las Noches seemed more of a prison of four walls than the desolate world we occupied. Here I felt nothing as before but in that void…I touched above my empty chain of fate hidden by the fabric of my white uniform.

"We should go." She said, standing up.

It could have been ten minutes or an entire day. I didn't know anymore, I just wanted it to never end. But that was an illusion. Reality was Las Noches. And we had to go back to it.

~*~

I lied down on my bed in my solitary room. All was quiet. It wasn't the same. This was a quiet born of one being alone not of two in mutual silence. She had left me going in search of Grimmjow. I stared after her back, filled with a want that couldn't be spoken in words.

Want? No.

It's nothing so primitive as that. The others want what they do not have anymore. A possession of warmth of being; I do not know if this is a manifestation of the heart, I only see them and their want of her. It isn't the same. I wonder if she feels the same for me. Confusion bred of her choices, whether for good or ill. She came for me. She fought that day with Stark while I stood there unknown in the multitude gathered to watch the bloodletting. I felt nothing watching her thrown around like a doll, lying broken on the stairs.

I watched with eyes that saw beyond what she was. I already knew she had come for me. So it came as no surprise when my Lord called me forth or when her eyes deepening, losing the sickly yellow tinge stared at me with irises of pale brown. I realize now it was the human part of her wresting some control back from the Hollow inside.

Her pain was like a drug.

I saw the ache flicker like a ripple disturbing the hope of a calm pond. I thought her a fool. She should never have come here. Even now I can summon that image of her face from the many others recorded by my eyes. I feel it as I view it. Her face darkening in despair, I relish this, knowing I have caused it.

-But there is always another-

She finds consolation in Grimmjow.

I envy him.

I know he can give her what I cannot.

Despair is the only thing I can give.

~Sakuya's p.o.v~

I want to think there was something to it.

My hand made a solitary path across the steamed up mirror, my face reflected back at me. Pale-cheeked with clinging wet strands of dark hair. My eyes were dull, dispirited.

No. I need to believe.

I lowered the thick weave towel from my body. My gaze was instantly drawn to the black number adorning my breast. Beneath it my heart beat fast and strong. I had lied to him about Grimmjow. I wanted to gain a response but as before. It never came. Was I just being stupid? An idiot who couldn't give up on something that no longer existed? Possibly didn't even exist in the first place?

I love Ulquiorra.

I know that now.

I love Grimmjow almost as fervently.

Where is the line between the two?

Slowly I began dressing.

Grimmjow cares for me, Ulquiorra doesn't.

Okay. That's a start. I mean why would he? If he doesn't remember Hueco Mundo how could he recall me, weakling that I am. One's worth is foremost in his mind; someone he deems unworthy in his eyes is trash. I think I fall someplace between annoyance and fool. Not yet trash. At least I hope not.

I finished dressing and padded into my room in stockings. A pair of sandals resided near the door in case I needed to go out later. I laid down on the bed at an angle, my feet dangling over the edge. I liked to dream, I'll admit. I liked to think of my parents' faces, my mother and father with lined faces that became wreathed in smiles when they saw me. I would be returning home. I would tell them there was somebody that I wanted them to meet and Ulquiorra would enter hesitantly. He would be a Soul reaper of course. Handsome and kind, they would see at once why I loved him.

If I stretched my imagination further, Kosuke would be there. Happy and smiling as always. She would tell me what a catch I had found and I would tell her that I wished she could be as happy as me one day…

Sometimes it was Grimmjow with me. Stark would accompany us to be introduced to Kosuke and…

I rolled over on my side

There was no Las Noches or Espada or Hollows. We were all one big happy family.

My throat tightened. It wasn't real though. It was just a fantasy.

~*~

The door began inching open.

I should have locked it.

Probably Grimm or…

"Come in." I said aloud. The door stopped as if whoever it was froze. I waited a moment then twisted around on my elbows.

"Ul-Ulquiorra?"

~*~

AN: Next chapter diverges back into the Manga with Grimm's raid in the living world. I'm not sure if it makes sense or not, but the more she evolved into the Hollow side, her eyes became yellow and when it was her Human side more prevalent, the eye color wavered back into the original brown. Thanks for reading. :) Reviews—not flames—are always appreciated. :)