Another one for ya
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kind of short
I'm sorry.
I promise the next ones will be longer.
September 12th
Clary
I don't even notice my school books falling to the floor until Simon is nudging me slightly, calling my name over and over again, and trying to put my books back into my arms.
But my arms are shaking so violently, I doubt even if the books were placed in them, they would stay for that long. A cold chill has spread through my arms and legs, causing my teeth to chatter, my legs to curl, and my world all together to blur.
Why does this one single boy have so much control over me?
A loud, obnoxious laugh knocks me back into reality, Aline.
She's still in his lap, her hips aligned with his. His arms around hers, in a tight hold like he's clasping onto dear life.
It makes me sick, I'm going to be sick, again.
"No you're not Clary," Simon says to me softly. I must have said that aloud, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter and I can help you."
My head whips back and forth brutaly, only causing the classroom to spin even more.
I can't be here, I can't take this, not anymore.
I take one more look at them, I know I shouldn't have because I lock eyes with Jace. I see all the color drain from his face, his lips are parted, as if he stopped in mid-sentece. As if he's acting like he's in pain.
And with that final look, I ran out of the room, searching for the nearest toilet.
Simon's at my heels, I can hear him juggling my books and his, chatters of material banging up and down his arms as he calls my name.
It won't stop me.
I throw myself into the girl's bathroom stall as if my life depended on it, maybe it does for all I know.
I watch as my breakfast and my medication explodes into the toilet, it's a light orangely-yellow color, absolutely gross.
It's hard to believe, after all the times of puking, I still find it nasusaeting.
Time passes, and thankfully no one has come in yet, they probably would immediely smell the throw up.
Another label I can be called, bulbimc.
Great.
I swallow the nasuae as I flush the last of my breakfast. I slid my back against the bathroom stall, not caring about all the germs it probably contains. That isn't the problem, he is.
Or is he?
Maybe I am.
Am I that pathetic, that I'm just a toy to a guy, he'll leave my world spinning (in a good way) and then move on.
Maybe that's just who I deserve to be identicated as.
Then I notice I'm crying.
My fingers trace my checks and indeed they're moist with my own tears.
I shouldn't be crying, he doesn't deserve to be cried over.
But I just can't stop.
He seemed to be the one person in my life, that made me feel safe, securce, even happy, and it was all a joke.
I was just some sort of game to him.
Maybe I was even a bet.
I'll never know.
I think I dosed off because I wake up to hear a soft knock.
Then I remember where I am, sitting on a dirty, bathroom stall.
I shakily stand up, leaning against the wall to hold myself up.
My body aches all over, it feels like someone has taken a hammer to all my bones, leaving me to deal with it myself.
"Clary?" it's the knock again, "It's me, come on out, let's talk."
Isabelle.
I sigh. Simon must have told her, thanks Si, I can always count on you.
Knowing I can't escape them, and getting tired of sitting on the gross floor, I slowly open the door, allowing the fresh vanilla smell of Isabelle to invade my nose.
"Oh Clary," she looks at me with sad eyes, "Let's get you cleaned up."
I allow her to gently take my wrists and lead me to the sink. Finally when I feel the cool, crisp marble on my skin, I look up, at myself in the mirror.
I look like I've been dipped in an acid bathe, not even joking. My red hair is sticking up straight on one side, while the other side is damp, from what though? Tears? Toilet water? My eyes are swollen and puffy, stained with red streaks, and my macra runs in thin streaks down my face. And finally my shirt is moist, wet with my own tears.
I'm like this over one single guy.
It's pretty silly if you really think about. We kissed what, three times? Four? We never talked about being a relationship once, and yet I thought….I just thought. I'm so stupid, so foolish.
Isabelle runs my wrist in warm water and after, dries them with harsh, brown towels. Then she starts to brush my hair, where did she get a brush in the first place?
I don't have the energy to ask.
I barely notice her movement, it's as if the world around me is in slow motion and then there's me. Slowly, floating around, awaiting for the darkness to suck me away.
Once my hair is tamed, she dabs my cheacks, removing the ruined makeup away from my face.
Then that's done.
A loud, laughing appears at the door, two girls are now in the small bathroom with Izzy and I.
I probably should care that they're seeing me like this, a ruined little witch, but I don't. Why should I?
But Isabelle is already taking care of it. She's barking at them, telling them this bathroom is out of order. And then those girls are gone.
If you really sit and think about it, Isabelle is a great friend. I'll lucky to have her.
"Clary," finally I move and turn towards her, "I don't know what he did…" she knows? "but trust me, I know Jace," his name is like a knife to my gut, "he's not worth it." Isabelle brushes a piece of hair falling across my forehead. "He does not deserve to be cried over, no guy does." Her voice is soft, simple. "Now, let's go out, there, and show him what he's missing."
Her mouth twitches up at its side, but I can tell its force.
I stare at my reflection one last time.
My hair is fine, my shirt is drying, and my face is the way it was this morning. The only problem is….my eyes. They're still puffy, red, easy to tell that I was crying.
No way in hell am I going back there.
I shake my head, "I want to go home." I squeak, my voice is quiet.
She sighs, "Come on Clary, don't allow him to dicate your day."
"No. I want to go home."
I hear her grunting, while fishing for something out of her backpack, "Fine, but take these," she hands me a pair of sunglasses.
And why would Isabelle have these in her school bag?
I place them over my eyes, my world changing into a sepia color.
"I'll take you home. But tomorrow…." She lowers her voice as she guides me out of the bathroom, "I'm helping you get ready for school."
I guess I have until tomorrow morning to live till.
I hardely remember the ride back from school. Thankfully the hallways were cleared, everyone was in class, so it was easy to leave. And in the car, Izzy kept sneaking glances at me every few minutes, but I ignored her. I just enjoyed the landscape buzzing away. It got my mind away from my thoughts for a little bit.
A little bit.
And now I'm lying on my bed, staring up at the stars glued to my celing.
When I can't sleep, I count those dancing stars.
57.
I still remember the day those stars became the center point of my room.
It was a brisk, Saturday morning, three years ago, and my mother came home from the art store….
September 13th
Yesterday might have been one of the worst days of my entire life. It comes after the day I found out my mother died, her funeral, her wake, all that jazz.
And now I have to put on a perfectly happy smile today and act like my life is perfect. I did that to Luke last night when he came from the book store and found me "asleep" on my bedroom floor. I said I feel asleep and everything is cool with a super, huge grin. Another lie. I have been lying to him a lot lately, but it seems that's the only opinion I have.
"Clary!" Isabelle comes flowing into my bedroom, she's carrying a stack of clothes, and a huge makeup kit in another hand, should I be worried?
"Well what do you think?" She does a little twirl while setting down the clothes and kit onto my bed.
I have to admit, she looks absolutely gorgeous. Well, it's Isabelle, she always does. But now, damn girl. She is dressing in a long, flowy purple and black dress, it reaches her ankles, and on her feet is a pair of golden scandles. The dress hugs her curves is just the right places and tones her arms perfectly.
She'll catch the eye of many guys today.
"You look great Iz," I reply genuinely.
She grins, "Why thank you my dear!" She sticks her head into my attached bathroom, "You have an iron curler correct?"
I nod, and inform her of where she may find one.
"What should I get changed in? It's getting late."
She grins while tossing me a small, dress, "Are you kidding? We have plenty of time! Now try this on."
I glance at the attire, it looks way too small, and not right for me. But I shrug and quickly strip out of my PJS and toss on the dress.
"It's too short." I scowl.
"No, it's perfect." She flashes me a devilish grin while kicking over a pair of fishnets and boots. "Now, put these on, it will make you look taller."
Once that's done, I turn back towards her, "I need a jacket, I am NOT going to school like this." I frown.
"Yep, yep, stop whining." She throws me a leather jacket. "Now your hair and your makeup…." Her eyes are light up, I should be worried, definitely worried.
Later, Isabelle and I are running into school. We're going to be late and it's going to mess up my perfect attendance record. And I have her to blame, thanks. But for once, I'm not that upset.
She completely changed me.
I took away the long sweatshirts and sweatpants and went for the tight fitting attire that hugged my body in just the right way. As well, she added a soft layer of eyeliner and smoky eye makeup that allowed my emerald eyes to pop. And instead of my rag-red hair of being pulled up into a ponytail, it's swirled in a secure braided bun, with two soft curls resting on my shoulders.
I have to admit, I look amazing.
For once, I'm not afraid of looking at myself in the mirror. I'm simply proud because I know my mother would be. Well she probably wouldn't approve the stripper type clothes but….
"Hustle up Clary!" Isabelle hollers. We're running to class, most people are already there, so we know that's a bad sign.
"Well, I can't exactly run with these high boots!" I remark. I'm not use to wearing heels.
She bangs the door open, it makes a loud, squeaking sound that makes me want to cover my ears.
"Ms. Lightwood, Ms. Fray, take your seats." Dr. Monroe barks.
I turn towards the rest of the class, and that's when I realize everyone is looking at us.
Some expressions are shocked, others are impressed, and others are…unreadable.
I stay close to Isabelle as we find our way to our seats through the enigma of backpacks and desks. "Iz, they're all staring at us." I whisper.
I see her crack a smile as I slid into my seat next to Simon, who looks like he just saw a ghost.
"No Clary, they're all staring at you." She gives me a smug expression.
Her sentence is backed up when a loud, whistle pierces the classroom and someone calls out, "Damn Fray…"
The room explodes in laughter and giggles.
She's right. They're all looking at me. The thought brings a small smile onto my face.
It finally feels right.
My thoughts are intterputred by a heated stare I feel on the back of my neck, it's not allowing me to focus on what Mr. Monroe is teaching nor what Simon is asking me.
I slowly turn around and find Jace gaping at me, his eyes are rooming all around me, as if I'm a stranger.
I guess karma's a bitch.
I've never gone through a school day where so many people are staring at me, whistling at me, and even attempting to touch me.
I don't know how I feel about this whole new look. The issue is, that it's not me. And the only person I'm suppose to be, is myself.
It's all conflicting emotions.
"Earth to Clary?"
We're all sitting at a lunch table, a small brown paper bag is placed in front of me. An apple in one hand, and a limp, cheese sandwich in the other.
"Yes?" I reply, bringing my head up, locking eyes with Jordan.
He laughs, what have I missed?
"I swear, you enjoy being in your own little world way more than talking with us," Maia teases.
I let out a small laugh, "Very funny."
I cut a glance to Simon, he barely has said anything to me all day. I wonder why. I nudge him slightly. "Are you feeling okay Si?"
He groans, burying his head into his lunch tray, "I'm fine."
I shake my head, what is he not telling me? "You don't look fine. Tell me what's-"
Isabelle waves a hand in front of us, I turn towards her, my face covered in an annoyed expression. "Yes?" I repeat, angrily.
"Jeez, Clary…" She places her hands above her head in surrender, "I was just saying that I'm stopping by later so we can pick out a brand new outfit for tomorrow!"
I narrow my eyes, "I don't remember inviting you."
She laughs, "Loosen up a little bit!"
I avert my eyes to Maia, "Will you come too?" Knowing that if she was around that the attire death sentence wouldn't be as harsh.
"Anytime." She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand slightly.
It made me feel at home, I was surrounded by people that care about me.
Coldplay blasted up and down the ranch house.
Luke wasn't home, he was at the bookstore, and when he wasn't here, I took advantage of that.
Isabelle and Maia would be coming in about an hour. I was excited to spend some "girl time" with them. It haven't had that in a while.
My fingers danced around the cutting board, slicing clean through the apple, while my feet jumped up and down the title floor in rhyme with the beat.
I was still in the dress from this morning, Izzy insited I stayed in it so we could compare outfits. What ever that means. I ditched that jackets and the fishnets thought, they were both inchy and not welcoming. I don't understand how she can where clothes like that every day.
Suddenly I hear someone yelling very loudly because I can hear it above the music. I frown, who could be at the door? Are they early? I doubt it. Isabelle loved to arrive fashionable late and Maia lived on the other side of the town.
I shut off the music, cutting them from in mid-sentence while calling to whoever lies beyond the door that I'm coming.
I shove a piece of apple into my mouth and stomp to the door, hoping that whoever is here, isn't someone important because I'm wearing this skimpy dress.
I pushed down the urge to run upstairs and throw on a robe. I knew this person probably was waiting for awhile…
I swallow and throw open the door.
My apple (in mid-chew) falls to the floor with a thump.
It's Jace.
AND...
ahhhh
another cliffy
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FYI guys I have been editing and revising my drafts, I went through my entire story and cleaned it up!
So PLEASE if you see any spelling errors, grammar stuff, lemme know so I can fix it!
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