SO, you guys! It is finally here! I'm sorry for being a douche and being so slow with this...
The flight took a long time. A really long time and Roderich was very tired when he returned. He didn't know what time it was and honestly, he didn't really care. He just knew he wanted to sleep in his own bed, with his own pyjamas, in his own sheets and with his own duvet and his own pillow. Everything that was his own. If he could he would have brought his piano into the bed.
Alas, that wasn't possible and the piano wasn't comfortable sleeping on, either. Not that he would ever consider such a thing towards his beloved piano. He would never dream of sleeping on it, it was simply wrong.
He hadn't really slept well for a long time. Not in Ivan's house and definitely not on the plane. It might have been the best seats and the best class and so on but Roderich had been too confused and dizzy to really be able to sleep or just relax.
And now, as he stood in the airport, morning dawning and the sun making itself visible just over the horizon, he was freezing. He was wearing the Russian's big and heavy coat, he was still wrapped in the blanket but yet he was still so cold. His body was shaking and his teeth were clattering, hands rubbing his arms in an attempt to make the blood rush faster and warm his body.
He looked around until he found the taxi driver that would take him to his home. A vague nod in his direction and he started moving towards the human. He had no luggage so it was only himself that needed to be loaded inside the car. It was a very comfortable vehicle and he felt a weak smile spread on his face as he leaned to the side, head against the door and looked out the window.
His country... His home. The only place he longed to be when somewhere else. The streets, the people, the stores, the nature, the flowers and trees, even in the city. How he had wanted to go back. Longed so badly. He never wanted to leave again. He would never go away. He would stay here, in Vienna, for the rest of his life. Except for when at the meetings, of course.
The taxi moved fast and expertly around in the city, navigating through the traffic as easily as a knife cut through warm butter. It was as if the man had never done anything else than drive around in this city. It wasn't that this bothered the Austrian at all; it was just a small thing he noted.
And frankly, he was happy about it. It was nice that the man seemed to know where he was going and it also meant he would be home faster. And he wanted to be home. He so badly wanted to be home, see his big and beautiful house with all its rooms and decorations, his grand living room and ball room which were used way too rarely. His piano's room. He wanted to see it, play it so badly.
But more than that, he just wanted to sleep. He was eager to get home and rest in his own bed. Without any insane Russian lurking over him, the cold breath brushing over his neck, a grin on the other's face.
The car stopped right outside his door and the driver helped him inside, obviously worried about him and wanting to help. But Roderich politely declined his help, saying that he just really needed some sleep. As the taxi driver had already been paid by Ivan, the Austrian could just say goodbye to the man and go inside.
As he did, stepped inside and saw the inside of his so lovely home, he nearly shed a tear. He nearly fell to the floor in relief, in happiness, everything he had thought he would feel he felt. And when he picked himself up and moved through the house slowly, ever so slowly walked around in what others could call a mansion, he looked around as if he hadn't seen all of this before. Like it was all so new to him.
Like he had never really been home.
He looked at all the paintings, all the sculpture, rugs, carpets, all the beauty and elegance everywhere. So unlike Ivan's home. In the most beautiful of ways. How had he not seen the beauty of it all before?
Sure, he had thought 'Oh, this is actually a really pretty painting and it also has a meaning, a story' but he had never really realized how much it actually meant to him. So he used way more time than usually, just staring at paintings as well as sculptures, studied everything in his house as if he had never seen such beauty before.
Therefore, it took him a long time to get to his bedroom. By that time, the sun had risen and shone in through the windows, shone in and lit everything in an absolutely gorgeous way. It was like another sun, another kind of light that brought him this warmth. And as the sun warmed him, caressed his face with its gentle and hot rays, he found the coat unnecessary, as well as the blanket.
So on the way, he took off the coat and he took off the blanket, folding it neatly and when inside his bedroom he put it on his desk, not bothering to fold it over the chair. His next move was moving to his bed, eyelids suddenly so heavy, feet the same. It was almost hard to cross the room, to make his feet obey the rest of his body, command them to move up, forward and down again.
But he finally got over to his bed, finally laid down. He didn't even get to breathe once before his eyes closed and he was already fast asleep. It was a sleep without dreams and without nightmares. Nothing disturbed him through the day, the night and half the next day.
When he woke, he felt surprisingly fresh and clear-headed. It was a rather long time since he had felt like that and it was a nice change from the panic and fear he always felt. He sat up in the bed and found that his back didn't hurt anymore. This was a thing he had started to notice after having lived in the Russian's house for a while. The bed there did nothing good for his back.
But now his back felt good again and he had almost forgotten his damages until he got out of the bed and instantly fell over because one of his knees was so stiff and wrapped in bandages.
He growled lightly and looked at the leg. Verdammt. That wasn't planned.
Roderich got up again, though, with the support of his bed and he slowly started dressing himself, finding a set of his own lovely clothes in the wardrobe. He put it on so slowly it could as well have taken half an hour. His eyes were closed in satisfaction when he pulled on the shirt and the coat, put the legs in his trousers - not without troubles - feet in the boots. And then the jabot around his neck, finishing it all off.
It was so, so nice to finally wear his own clothes again. His fine, elegant clothes. A smile spread on his face as he walked out of the room, one leg stiff and unbending, making it a bit hard to look carefree while strolling around.
There was complete silence. No other people walking around, no maniac woman chanting 'Marry me, marry me, marry me', no man fleeing from said woman, no crying sister or shivering Baltics. There was just... silence. It filled the Austrian's mind as he slowly, happily, walked around in his home.
This was nice. Once more experiencing the beautiful and wonderful place that was his home. His very own home. With a beautiful garden with flowers and bushes and-
He stopped for a moment, a frown on his face before it gave way for a wide smile.
He had a garden. A real garden. With real flowers and bushes and a small tree, even a small pond.
The violet eyes sought for the nearest door out and upon finding it, he quickly - as quickly as his knee allowed it - moved towards it and out.
The air was fresh. So very fresh. Oh, how it smelled wonderfully. All the flowers added their own gorgeous scent, every strand of green, soft grass made the most beautiful carpet he had ever set his eyes on. The trees and bushes, the butterflies flying around, every now and then sitting on a flower. The bees buzzing around lazily in the afternoon.
He followed some of them with his gaze, leading his attention to the small pond in the middle of the garden. He walked over to it with a small smile tugging at his lips. When he reached the bank of it he crouched down and let a couple of fingers run through the water, breaking the surface. It was cold but it was nothing compared to the cold he had endured in Ivan's house.
And thinking about that man again, the smile disappeared and turned into a more thoughtful expression. Ivan...
Roderich got up from his crouching position and straightened his clothes before walking back towards the door. Just inside the house he found yet another familiar person. He actually more heard than saw him.
"So you're back, I see?" Roderich jumped a good feet in sheer surprise as he hadn't expected anyone to be here right now. Especially not Gilbert.
He turned his head towards the albino and couldn't fight off a small smile. A maniac, but a maniac he could handle. More or less.
"Yes, I am. And hello to you, too, Gil." The other snorted and just moved closer. Roderich noted how his arm was put in a sling and that his white hair had a vague, very vague hint of pink.
"How the hell did you escape?"
"Believe it or not, but he actually let me go by his own will. He got me tickets to a plane and a taxi home from the airport." The Prussia lifted an eyebrow. He didn't look the least convinced.
"Is that really so..." he muttered and grabbed the aristocrat's arm, running his pale fingers along the clothes, apparently trying to feel any damages. His eyes had been lingering on the leg for a while, though. "But he couldn't let you go without a little souvenir."
Roderich flinched away, pulling his arm out of the other's grip. "That's... my leg isn't broken. It's a split kneecap." Because that was of course much better. "And may I remind you that if you had never gotten there it wouldn't have happened in the first place. I only got this damage because you were there."
"Oh, so now it's suddenly our fault?" Roderich took two fingers to his temple in his own usual way of saying 'Oh God, you're being so stupid. Again.'
"Technically, you could say that, yes. If you hadn't tried to escape me, Lizzy would never have been there and Ivan would never have hit her and also hit me. So I guess you could say that, although I of course appreciate your attempts of freeing me. But honestly, you should all know better than fighting with that man."
"Well, I'm fucking sorry we were trying to get you out of that psychopath's grip," Gilbert snarled and made ready to turn around but didn't get to as the brunette suddenly grabbed his arm, sighing deeply.
"Don't be stupid, even if it is one of the things you are best at," he said and forced the other around so they stood face-to-face. "Of course I wanted to get away but I don't want you to be damaged because of it! Look what happened to Lizzy!" And... speaking of her...
"How is she? Where is she, is she okay? How are you? Ludwig and Francis?"
"West is fine. He doesn't give a fuck about his damages. It's like he wasn't even harmed," the albino answered and shrugged like it didn't matter, managing to fight off a slight grimace of pain. "Lizzy is also better though we have been forced to get a doctor to check her." Roderich stiffened and looked at the Prussian with wide eyes. That couldn't be good. Normally the nations could take care of their own damages without having a doctor to check on it. Damn it, Toris had fixed his knee! "And Francis has been whining a lot about his head but he isn't dangerously injured."
"How bad are her damages?" Roderich asked and slowly let go of the other when he felt he wouldn't try and walk away again.
"She will be fine in no time as long as she doesn't do too much physical work. So don't be rough with her, Specs." It was impossible not to notice the innuendo in that sentence, even for Roderich.
"I can assure you I won't. I leave that to you and your brother. Although I hope Ludwig won't get to her like that. He's... a bit too rough, if you get my drift?" But how couldn't he? Gilbert was, like, one of the most perverted of them so how couldn't he understand what the brunette meant?
And the smirk on his face of course also told he had understood.
"Don't you worry. West has that little whiny Italian and though I don't see the benefits of such a partner, I'm glad he has him. Means I can get to Lizzy."
"Given she doesn't knock you out."
"She can't. I'm too awesome for that!"
Roderich raised an eyebrow.
"Is that so?" he said and crossed his arms over the chest, not able to fight off a small smile. "How about last January when you were celebrating that she won in-"
"That is unimportant!" the albino growled. "It was a stupid bet and nothing more than that!" Roderich couldn't help a smile cross his face as he looked at the albino harshly deny such a stupid thing had ever found place. Good for him he didn't know the amount of pictures Elizabeth had more or less forced Francis to take, whereupon she had sent Roderich home to deposit the pictures a safe place.
"You can say what you want, Gil, but you had a pretty bad headache afterwards."
"That was because of the beer," the albino instantly replied and sent him a scowling look before crossing his arms over the chest. "There was a shit-ton of beer in case you didn't notice."
"Oh but I did," the Austrian replied and started to move towards the kitchen. He had just noticed how hungry he was and he had decided to get something to eat. And as a kind favour he wouldn't mind if Gilbert joined him. "I was there and though I don't expect you to remember it, I had quite a few beers as well."
The albino looked very surprised by this as he followed the other. "You did?"
"Indeed. And for your information, I also woke up with quite a headache. Though that was from the beer rather than being beaten by a woman."
He ducked expertly and avoided Gilbert's arm when it was aimed at his head. "You know it's true."
"Shut the fuck up. You're annoying."
"Right back at you."
They got into the kitchen, slowly because of the brunette's bad leg, and Gilbert snaked past the other, going for the fridge before even being given permission. But to Roderich's surprise he didn't get food for himself. He had found a big plate of leftovers - when they had been fresh Roderich didn't know; he couldn't remember having made anything before going to the meeting - and put some of it on another plate before putting it in the micro wave and turned to watch the other. It took time as he could only use one hand but it was done nonetheless.
"It's for you," he said when Roderich also staggered over towards the fridge. He stopped and looked baffled for a second before managing a small smile. "Danke."
"Don't get used to it, though."
"Of course not. A kind you wold be like a Ludwig partying with glow sticks and women - quite an unimaginable thing." The smile was still in place when he sat down, whining lightly when the stress and pressure in the bad leg was released. His eyes closed and his head was leant back.
"Yeah. Would be quite a sight, though," the albino grinned and took the food out of the micro wave when it beeped insisting. He put it before the brunette and even found cutlery and a glass he filled with cold water.
"Definitely," Roderich said lowly and looked closer at the food. It didn't look like something he could recognize. What was it even? "Gil, what is this?"
The albino leaned over the table to look, sniffed at it before seeming to realize what he was looking at. "Ah. It's something I threw together a few days ago. West was angry because I arrived late to something work-related. Anyway, it's meat with... some other meat. That thing," he pointed at a particularly suspiciously looking piece of food Roderich had just stabbed with the fork, "is vegetable. I think."
Roderich used to the knife to push off the unidentified food. "Right. If you can't even tell me what it is then I won't eat it. Can you please tell me at least what you were trying to make?"
The albino looked highly offended. "Trying to make? But that is definitely a well-known dish! It's called meat-a-lá-Prussia!" Roderich's smile widened as he took a bite. It didn't taste that bad. At least not like something that could poison him.
"Should I feel nervous about eating this?"
"No, of course not! Damn, man, I can cook just as well as you guys can! I'm not Arthur!"
"... True that." After that there was a long silence in which Roderich just ate and the Prussian strolled around in the kitchen. He hummed every once in a while and an odd expression of smugness slid over his face. Roderich didn't know why and frankly, he didn't really care. All he cared about was that he was home and Gilbert was here and he behaved like the normal dimwit he was. It was reassuring, in some way, even if he was also starting to be annoying. Just a tiny, tiny bit. But it was bearable. Actually, it felt normal and his behaviour had a strange calming effect.
There was no Ivan and there was no coldness. There were no harsh or taunting or mocking words and there was no madness, insanity or malice here. It was... This was familiar. Gilbert felt like a totally different person even if he hadn't changed one bit. It was very nice. Roderich liked it a lot.
Yet, a gnawing thought slowly started to drift around in his head. He wouldn't be calm before he saw the others and saw how well - or bad - they were. He really wanted to see them. Especially Lizzy. And... he also wanted to talk to her. He had something on his mind he believed she could maybe help with. She was a woman - although she didn't like it - and she was better at emotions and thoughts than most of the males. She would be the right one to help in this. If she would even want to...
Roderich bit his lips and he slowly stopped eating. Finally, he put down the fork and felt nearly ill. His heart was racing laps with itself and he felt slightly dizzy. Lizzy... speaking about Ivan and whatever that man could be feeling. It was just... that shouldn't happen. Why should anyone ever want to speak about emotions concerning Ivan?
"Specs?" Gilbert was by his side and had a small frown on his face. He actually looked worried about someone who wasn't himself. "You okay? Ate too fast or something?"
The brunette shook his head. No. That wasn't it. He reached for the glass of water, emptied it and filled it again, emptying it once more. But it suddenly felt as if his thirst could never be fully quenched. He could drink all the water in the tap and it still wouldn't be enough. What the hell was wrong with him? He hadn't even started talking yet and he was already feeling like a nervous teenager! It was ridiculous!
As if his thoughts had been read, he heard the door open and close before any of them was quick enough to get up and see who it was. But they didn't need to.
"Roddy?" a loud and female voice exclaimed before a woman staggered past the door, turning her head to the side, finding them and stopped. "Roddy!" Then she moved towards them, looking very happy and eager. She reached the brunette and grabbed his shoulders. She didn't get a reaction. Roderich was paralyzed. Not as much by seeing her safe and sound as by seeing her just after having thought about her.
His eyes widened when she pulled him in for a hug and yet it was only a second later than usual that he put his arms around her as well, though only weakly hugging her back. How did his mind jam like this? It wasn't her he had to talk about... She was but a mere link in the chain of getting to understand Ivan...
With shock he realized what he had just thought. More or less that Ivan was more important than her. And... how had that happened?
He was happy he sat down. Had he been standing his legs would have given in. He felt them shake and tremble like never before. He was scared, he suddenly realized. He was actually scared of the conversation he knew he would have to have with her. What would he find out about the Russian? Would she even agree on the topic?
"Roddy!" She gently punched his shoulder, not so much that it hurt but enough to haul him out of his thoughts and realize that his entire body was shaking and that his face had gotten pale. He looked up at her, finding her taller than him as she had pulled away to stare into his eyes. "Roddy, what's the matter?"
He shook his head slowly, as if he tried to get something out of his ears. "No-nothing," he mumbled and looked away. His eyes found the Prussian and seeing how shocked he was Roderich knew he must look bad. "I just... Lizzy, I need to talk to you. As in, right now. Before I really collapse."
She instantly agreed and offered him help in the form of a hand. He declined, though, and instead supported himself against the table. "Gil, if you would please," he mumbled and nodded towards the door out. The albino accepted but not without showing his actual worry for the brunette. When passing Roderich, he pulled him in for a quick hug and looked him deep in the eyes before disappearing out of the house.
And still, Elizabeth just stood there. She looked at him like he was seriously ill. "Roddy, are you sure you're okay?" Her hand was lingering just over his shoulder, unsure if she should touch or not. If it would help or make things worse.
He didn't answer, just leant against the table. He could really feel himself tremble. He could see his hands shiver against the deep mahogany. The long and slender fingers were so pale against it. They looked alien to him. Why was he suddenly so pale? Why did he feel slightly dizzy? When he had last been like this...?
When Ivan had raped him... When that had happened, he was pretty sure he had been just the same. Nervous, but to a degree where it was pure fear and pale to a degree he had been transparent.
And why did he remember that now, of all time? This wasn't really the time to remember such things. But was it truly ever?
"The living room," he mumbled and took a step forward, finding that both of his legs worked and that he didn't need support from the Hungarian. But she still took his hand, walking with him as they moved into the living room.
It was quite a big and luxurious room, decorated with various paintings, potted plants and a big rug under the coffee table. Elizabeta moved for the bigger couch, more or less dragging Roderich with her.
"Come, sit down," she said gently and placed them both in the soft couch, her eyes nervously flickering over his face. And now, only now did he seek for her touches and the comfort he knew she could give. His hand fumbled for hers but not even when finding them did he stop shaking. His fingers quivered in her hands and he couldn't bring himself to look at her eyes. What was so wrong with that, why couldn't he? It would only take a simple movement of his head and he could see into the beautiful green orbs he knew so well...
But he didn't.
They sat in silence for a while. Elizabeta just waited for him to finally break and pour out his thoughts and heart so she could get to know what was wrong. It had to be something very bad if it could bend and break him. He might not seem like the strongest of them but he didn't whine even when things were hard. And now he was so obviously close to do just so. It had to be something bad. She just had to figure out what. Or figure out a way to make him say it if he wouldn't do it willingly.
It hurt her to see him like this. They didn't have anything together anymore, they were 'only' friends, great friends, on top of that, but she cared as much for him as she had ever done. That hadn't changed. Not in the slightest.
This was also the reason she was the one to break the silence.
"Roddy, what is it that bothers you?"
And he looked up. He finally lifted his gaze and let his flickering eyes find hers. His fingers tightened and his heart skipped a beat. This was the point of no return. He felt as if he was about to confess his love for her. But he of course wouldn't. HFirst of all because he didn't hold those feelings. Not anymore. He didn't know what had happened. It had been... what, a few months ago he had been kissing her so fiercely? And now... now he felt nothing for her. Nothing else but warmth and friendship, that wonderful friendship he hoped would last for at least an eternity. He would need her in his life. For the sake of his own sanity.
"Lizzy, you're a woman," he started, only vaguely noting how stupid it sounded, and not at all able to remember that Elizabeta wasn't too happy about the fact she was a woman.
"Well, you sure haven't been living your life under a rock," she said, managing to flash a small smile to him before going back in the serious state again. "Joke aside... why are you mentioning that now? What does my gender have to do with anything?"
He just said it. He couldn't keep it in, couldn't keep the words away. They were transformed into a wild river of words and sentences he doubted the quality of. He even doubted she would understand just half of what he blabbered about. It was so very rare he spoke of these things so it was always very troublesome the few times it had happened.
"Lizzy, I just don't know what to do! I'm so confused and I don't know him that much and he has just been so weird for the last month! He… He is usually evil and unfair, right? Yes, exactly, and he likes to hurt people for fun, right? Exactly, and he hasn't been doing any of that for the last month! He cared for me and showed interest in me and my health, for my knee, he even suggested I took some days off to rest it! He even bought me tickets so I could go home!"
He took a deep breath before continuing, not for a second considering Elizabeta's clearly confused expression.
"I mean... you're a woman-"
"You're very perspicacious today."
"- so you're good with feelings, right? Because... I really need to talk with someone who knows about emotions! You're the only one I know who can do so without twisting yourself into a knot! Please, Lizzy, I need to talk! I don't think I will be able to handle this if I don't know what it is all about!"
Before he could open his mouth again and continue, the Hungarian had put a finger on his lips, stopping him from speaking further. She had a somewhat thoughtful and serious expression of her face and she was frowning.
"First of all; thank you for considering me good about emotions and stuff. Second of all; who are you talking about? You have been with that Russian for almost half a year but you can't seriously say it is him...?"
But the look she received from Roderich said it all. His eyes were filled with doubt and insecurity about this all but it couldn't be doubted that Ivan was the man in question. When she had mentioned him Roderich had nodded nearly unnoticeable but Elizabeta had seen it. And she was suddenly angry, angry as well as she was absolutely baffled. Ivan, of all people...?
"Okay, okay..." She sighed deeply and leant back in the couch, looking at him with the frown still in place. "Describe for me in details what exactly Ivan has been like towards you."
This sent the Austrian's heart into another race, though not as fast and fierce as before. She didn't turn him down. She was willing to talk about it. Even if she didn't look happy about it.
So Roderich did as told. He told everything that had happened in the Russian's cold home. He told about everything Ivan had done and said to him. He explained how he had slowly changed attitude and behaviour towards him. He even told about the rape in more details than he was comfortable with but when he had now started he just couldn't seem to stop. He had to tell everything when he had the opportunity.
When he finally stopped he found himself incredibly exhausted and his body still shivering but now more from exhaustion than fear and anxiety. Now it was time to hear what his former wife thought of this...
She was indeed the only one he believed to have enough knowledge of emotions to know what the hell was going on with Ivan. And even though even his younger sister had seemed to know what was going on he dared not believe this was true. That woman was insane as well, she couldn't be trusted.
Roderich suddenly found that he was standing and had actually been walking around as he had spoken. Now he sat again, feeling his cheeks glow in the darkness that was slowly starting to force its way forth.
A new silence reigned between them and she mostly just looked at him, as if he was some kind of interesting creature she had never seen before. But in her eyes there was discomfort, resentment and there was doubt.
When she opened her mouth to speak, Roderich felt as if his heart skipped a beat once more and ended in his throat. Damn it, why was he suddenly so nervous?! It was unbearable!
"Roddy," she started, slowly and hesitantly, as she observed him, "are you absolutely sure that is what has happened? He hasn't drugged you and forced you to join his insane drinking-parties? He hasn't slipped something in your food or your water or something?"
It was now his turn to frown lightly. Drug him? No, Ivan had never done that... Not that he knew of, at least. He had forced him to drink some Vodka once but that was a long time ago. That had been... before the rape.
"No... that is not it, Lizzy." That was far from it... Roderich wasn't drugged and he hadn't been eating bad food - if we should risk trusting Gilbert's words - that could have caused his mind to go into a knot.
"Ivan... he wouldn't do that. Not to me." But was he really sure of this? Like hell he wasn't. He just had this feeling that Ivan would never do that to him. It might be an insane thought and idea but then it at least fitted Ivan... right?
Because yes, Ivan was insane. He was mad, a madman, a lunatic, a freak, a monster, all of those he indeed was. But there was a reason. It wasn't Ivan's fault. Not entirely.
Ivan had had about the worst childhood anyone could ever have, filled with torture in every way possible. He had been telling Roderich about his childhood and it hadn't been nice. Roderich had been close to tears, he was actually pretty sure he had cried...
"But, Roddy, you also know he is completely deranged. He could easily do those things just to make you fucked up and make you feel bad for him so you wouldn't leave!"
"But why would he want me with him? Haven't you all agreed on that I'm useless and good for nothing except for playing the piano?" A picture of himself being pressed against a piano, Ivan standing in front of him, his violet orbs glistening with lust.
He shook his head, just as Elizabeta opened her mouth.
"That's nonsense, Roddy!" she exclaimed. "Of course you can do things other than playing the piano!"
"But what could he want from me? I have no business with him, I'm not the best choice to a possible upcoming war and I'm generally not someone I had ever thought he would notice! Don't we all agree that he should be all over Yao? Isn't that the guy he freaking loves?!"
The Hungarian sat in silence, staring up at the other brunette. The man was obviously very confused and needed to let out some steam.
"He started to act like he wanted to befriend me, as if he hoped I could ever end up liking him after what he did to me!"
"Maybe he did-"
"But how the bloody hell-"
"Roddy, be quiet," the Hungarian said, her voice low but suddenly audible. It had an... odd tone to it. He did so, standing silent but quivering lightly, nails digging into the palms of his hands.
"You said he kissed you. Did you... was there any... feeling to it?"
At first, Roderich frowned. Then, when he thought back, thinking about the kiss, it slowly disappeared.
It... hadn't held anything at first, it had just been a kiss. But then something had changed. Ivan had moved his head and the kiss had started feeling actually kind... something like... actually passionate.
He shook his head, trying to get both feeling and picture out of his mind. A picture of Ivan above him, strong hands holding him in place, forcing their lips together until a tongue had started playing with his own lips, begging for entrance.
"It was nothing at first. But then... it got... something like passionate." The picture was still there. Violet orbs glistening above him, shining with amusement and joy, partly lust. "He... He made it loving, somehow. I... I..."
And then, another picture. In the airport. Ivan had dragged him in for another kiss. That had been soft and sweet and kind. Everything he hadn't imagined that man to be able to be.
He didn't know how to continue. His mind was stuck on the pictures and slowly, very slowly, he found the horrifying fact that he didn't mind it and that he now didn't feel disgusted by the thing Ivan had done. As he realized this, he felt blood flow from his face and his knees buckled even more.
What... what the ever-burning hell? Why didn't he feel disgust, why didn't he think that action gross and wrong?
And then. As lighting from a clear sky he realized what Ivan had been doing, what had been going on in the last few months.
This thought nearly knocked him out and he had to sit down again, eyes wide open but unseeing. Elizabeta was by him in an instant, wondering what had suddenly happened.
"L-Lizzy," he whispered, taking her hand tightly before dragging his attention back and looking into her scared but beautiful green eyes, "does he... is it love?" His fingers were shaking greatly as they lay around her wrists, grip tightening when he finally said the words. "Does he love me? Is he so kind to me because he... because he has found that kind of interest in me?"
The woman's first reaction was one of pure shock, disgust and horror - all combined in one grimace that caused her face to be contorted in a not-too-pretty way. A gasp escaped her lips and where she before had been sitting in front of him, on her knee and clenching his hands, she fell back, sitting on her bum, being pulled awkwardly forward by the Austrian's grip.
But then, when having processed his words and deciphered the meaning of them, her face - for some reason - took an expression of sheer anger and her eyes became hard. Love?
Ivan? Love?
That was just two words that didn't belong in the same sentence. It was wrong. Could Ivan even love? Was he capable of feeling the emotion 'love'? Or, she didn't really doubt that his insane mind was more than capable of knowing and feeling the emotion. Just... not the way it was supposed to.
But she had to admit that what Roderich was explaining sounded painfully much like love. Or at least something similar to it. And she did not like it. Like hell she would ever even allow that. Not that she should decide his life or anything but if he should have another partner, it shouldn't be Ivan.
"Lizzy?"
It was first when she heard her name mentioned she realized she had been tensing her jaws and her hands had clenched into fists in the other's grip. Realizing this, she tried to relax and gently but firmly pulled herself out of the brunette's grasp.
"Lizzy, have I...? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she growled and rose from the floor, only to sit by his side the next second, looking at him with still tense jaws. To his words... what should she say? She couldn't confirm him in his thoughts. That would just... be wrong, wouldn't it?
But at the same time... It wouldn't be fair. He trusted her and he had treated her with enormous amounts of love and passion, not to mention his natural kindness and gentleness.
It was only fair to be fair...
And so, she opened her mouth to speak, feeling how the tension in her jaws made it hurt slightly.
"I... It sounds like love but coming from Ivan... I wouldn't trust him. I mean, he's loco, right?"
As if having thought of a counterattack to those exact words while she had been out of it, Roderich talked.
"But what if his insanity has still allowed him to feel one thing - love?"
"Why should it let him feel just that but not emotions such as kindness and gentleness? It just doesn't make any sense!"
Roderich bit his lower lip. He knew it didn't.
"Kindness and gentleness is essential in a relationship and love is, like... it's kind of the evolution of gentleness!"
But Roderich was now lost in thoughts. Ivan had been kind to him. He knew that emotion as well. Or pretended to. Either way, he had done a good job in that. He had changed behaviour to treat him nicely, so he would feel better. Why would he do that if it wasn't to make him fall in love with him?
And... frankly spoken... wasn't Ivan the one of them that deserved love the most? After what he had been through... The Golden Horde, slaughtering his own people because of his insanity, not knowing how to interact with people because everyone feared him so he never had gotten the opportunity to talk with them.
He had been tortured in his childhood. Having his mother killed and being apart from his sisters by a man so much stronger than him, beating him down whenever he did something wrong, whenever he dared to defy the man.
He hadn't had a childhood. Unlike many of the others, he had been forced to fight for survival and didn't have anyone to follow after, look up to when growing up. He had had himself and two sisters where one of them was insane as himself, already at that time, and the other had been easy to scare and it had been - still was - easy to make her cry. She would be seen as weak.
People had always avoided him. They had been avoiding him because of his insanity - and really; who could blame them? - and they had talked badly about him behind his back. But he always knew. Ivan knew about everything that went on around him.
He deserved love. He indeed did. It may be true when people said that he loved Yao or that he loved Toris but was that really true? If the rumours were true or not wasn't really important. But did he love them? Did he feel that passionate burn in his heart for those two men?
Roderich had no answer for his own questions but he suddenly realized that if any of them deserved love, it was Ivan. He had been through so much and he had always only been trying to make friends.
His favourite phrase - Become one with me, da! - could suddenly be understood in two ways:
The first way; that he wanted everyone on their knees for him, admit him the strongest and that they would follow him wherever he went.
The second way: that he wanted to be friends with everyone in the world, without the use of force, violence and wars.
Roderich swallowed heavily, feeling his heart pound against his ribs, threatening with breaking them. He was panting as if he had been running a marathon and he felt shaky, his fingers gripping his coat as Elizabeta's hands weren't any longer in his.
"Roderich, look at me," she demanded and he obeyed, though being shocked at this new 'discovery'.
"But Lizzy," he said, interrupting her as she was just about to say something more, "can't you understand it? He deserves love. He is the person in this world who deserves love the most! He deserves to know the feeling of loving touches and gentle fingers!"
"Roddy, stop saying that, right now! You are confused, you don't know what you are saying!" She almost sounded panicking, like she was afraid of what he had realized and what he was now saying.
"Confused or not, you can't deny it! If anyone deserves love and kindness, it is him!"
"What are you even saying! Think of all the things he has done! He has tortured people and other nations; he has slaughtered so many of his own! No one should be able to do that, insanity or not!"
"It's only because he has been so confused! He has been living behind a mask!"
Elizabeta was practically fuming. Her eyes glistened and her hair nearly crackled with fury. She wouldn't believe that! She couldn't accept the fact that such a maniac may happen to love her ex-husband!
"Confused or not, mask or not, it is simply not okay to have done the things he has! Slaughtering your own people, torturing others, humans and nations alike, forcing them into various things - it is simply not okay, Roderich! You can say whatever the hell you want but don't expect me to go with you on this one!"
She didn't believe it. She couldn't and she wouldn't.
The Austrian seemed hurt and disappointed but he nonetheless kept his head high and cold. As much as that was possible in the given situation, of course.
But he had made a choice. If she couldn't accept the fact that Ivan loved him - which it seemed she couldn't - then she wouldn't have to get any more involved in it.
He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, but to no avail.
"If that is how it is, then I am sorry I have taken so much of your time, Lizzy, though I appreciate you even wanted to talk about him in the first place."
Besides fury and disbelief, she now also looked hurt.
"Are you sending me out of here?"
"No. You are welcome to stay if you'd like but I'd just assume you didn't want to see me in a while after this talk."
"... Roddy, what do you feel for Ivan?"
That was a question that surprised the Austrian quite a bit. What he felt for the man...?
He frowned and got a thoughtful expression on his face, eyes becoming slightly distant.
"I... I feel... I mean, I feel very sorry for him and such but I don't... feel anything like that." At least I don't think so.
The woman nodded and slowly rose from the couch. She looked doubtful about what to do about herself and she sent a quick look outside. It was almost pitch black. Maybe she should go back...
"I'm... I'm going home, Roddy. I'll call you in a few days and maybe pay you another visit."
He also stood and pulled her into a tight hug, closing his eyes tightly, breathing in her scent. Lovely as ever.
"Thank you, Lizzy," he mumbled into the soft, brown hair, "thank you for talking with me. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable of any sort at any time." She just shook her head when they parted, tried to smile but failed whereupon she quickly left the living room and went out the front door.
Roderich looked after her, his heart slowly settling down but his mind accelerating.
The next many days passed by. The calendar on Roderich's wall announced it was exactly a week ago since Elizabeta had left when she called him.
It was a nice and quiet conversation and they both managed to keep their cool without raising their voices. They talked about various things and though they strained themselves slightly not to feel awkward, it was a good conversation.
After that, Gilbert also came over for another visit and this was, somehow, much more manageable for the Austrian. Gilbert was naturally a burden to have around but now his company was somehow more than welcome. It felt awfully nice to have someone to blame for everything that went wrong on that particular day and the albino didn't seem to mind it. He just grinned and shrugged whereupon he would ruffle the Austrian's hair and run away, knowing the man would never catch him with his knee in its current condition.
Speaking of which. His knee was healing perfectly fine, Ludwig announced, when he also paid a visit to his cousin when having heard he was back. He had examined the knee and found it to be healing well. He guessed it should be fine in a few months' time.
But even if Roderich smiled to all of them and never said a thing about Ivan, the thoughts were always in his head. He always thought about the man and what was possibly going on with him and his mind.
He wanted to know how Ivan was. He... a tear had been on his face when they had departed in the airport. Ivan had shown weakness during the whole trip to the airport, but the ultimate sign of weakness had been that small droplet of water rolling over his cheek when looking after Roderich.
That picture haunted him nearly every night but only once did he wake by it. That had been caused by an especially bad nightmare where Ivan had broken when he had been left in the airport after the plane had taken off. That nightmare had caused him to wake in the middle of the night and he remembered having screamed the Russian's name loudly, only to find that he was home, in his warm bed with his warm duvet, in his warm pyjamas.
It was now nearly a month since he had left the Russian.
That morning, he had made a call to the Baltics. Much to his relief, it was Toris who picked up. He sounded drowsy and couldn't suppress a small yawn though he tried to muffle it with a hand.
He began talking in his native language but Roderich cut him off before he even managed to say his own name.
"Toris, how is Ivan?"
Silence reigned between them for about ten seconds before the Lithuanian answered. His voice was shaky and uncertain and just as he began speaking a loud roar could be heard in the background. Then something that was shattered.
"W-Who is this?"
"It's Roderich!"
"Ah, I-I see. Mr. Ivan is..." The man hesitated, as if he didn't know if he had permission to talk about it. He probably hadn't. "H-He is bad, Mr. Roderich. He's been drunk, a-actually drunk and he is wo-worse than normal. He is roaring and cu-cursing and destroys things."
Roderich's throat constricted painfully. Yes. He had foreseen that. He didn't know much about the Russian's mood or behaviour but it somehow didn't surprise him. Ivan was violent, yes, but this...
"Do you know the reason?" the Austrian asked, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.
"No, Mr. Roderich. He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't talk to us and he is in his study far more than usually. Do you...?"
Few thoughts ran through Roderich's head and even fewer seconds passed before he interrupted the other.
"I'll be there in the evening."
"Mr. Roderich, what are you-"
Click.
The Austrian had hung up. He had made his choice. Ivan was bad, obviously very bad. And though they had no relations, Roderich felt something for the man. He didn't want to put words on it, afraid what whose words would be.
He sat by his computer and browsed the internet, looking for the fastest and cheapest way to Moscow. He had to compromise with himself, because the fastest flight was very expensive and his stinginess kicked in, telling him it was stupid to use so much money on something that wasn't exactly a question about life and death.
But on the other hand, he didn't want it to take 10 hours, like one of the longest flights took. So he ended up with a flight that took about 5 hours. It was long but not too long. He bought it and waited for the confirmation e-mail, printed it out and left a note to possible guests. If he knew Gilbert right - which he believed he did - the man wouldn't hold back down from kicking in the door when he found the Austrian didn't open.
The Austrian just begged they wouldn't visit him now. He ran for his room, as quickly as he could, and got the coat and blanket, folded them over his arm and went to the kitchen, grabbed a piece of bread he had baked the day before and started to scribble down a note while he – quite unlike his normal self – nearly swallowed the bread whole.
Dear Elizabeta (and Gilbert and Ludwig, and everyone else who should happen to stumble upon this note),
I will be gone for a while. I don't know yet for how long. Please take care of my house and my garden in my absence.
Gilbert, you may eat the cake in the fridge. But don't make a mess out of my kitchen.
Best regards,
Roderich Edelstein
He left the note on the counter and grabbed his wallet and his cell phone, putting the things in pockets in his coat before heading out of the house, locking the door behind him. His heart was beating rapidly as he moved towards his car and fumbled with the keys before managing to unlock the vehicle and put himself in the driver seat.
He sat there for a long minute, looking at the steering wheel as if that held the answer for what he should do. How long did he have before the plane departed...? A glance at his wristwatch. A few hours.
The car was put in gear and he drove off, heading towards the city. For what felt like a long time, he just walked around after having parked his car. He passed several shops, theatres, cafés and other places where he could kill the time. Instead, he walked from the parking lot to the airport, deciding to wait there.
Half an hour before the plane departed, his cell phone went off, causing him to flinch a bit in his seat. He had been dozing off but the unmistakable of notes from a grand piano woke him. He took it after having looked at the display. A number he didn't quite recognize. Therefore, it was with wariness he took it to his ear.
"Hallo?"
"Roddy, where the fucking hell are you?" Elizabeta. He closed his eyes and leant forward a bit, putting a hand to his forehead. She had found the note, apparently.
"Nothing you should worry about," he mumbled. She really shouldn't get into this...
"I saw your note and-" There was noise in the other end and it sounded like she argued with someone. It lasted for half a minute but when the phone was taken to a mouth it wasn't Elizabeta who spoke.
"Specs, get your prissy ass back to your prissy piano where you belong!" Gilbert. Who else?
A small smile spread over the aristocrat's face. He looked around at the humans. They were slowly starting to gather their things and looked up at the screen. They would be boarding soon.
"That is not possible."
"Then at least tell us where we can find you! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
'Going back to Ivan,' he thought to himself. The thought seemed utterly ridiculous to him but he had made a decision and he would not back down now.
"It's nothing you should worry about." I will probably be back soon. But I don't know...
A voice announced the boarding had started and the Austrian quickly stood and got in line. But they had also heard it in the other end.
"... Purely theoretical, where would you be going if you were at an airport?" Dang. First clue given away.
Roderich bit his lip and got out his boarding pass and his passport as the line slowly moved.
"I could go a lot of places."
"But of course you wouldn't be going to Russia, would you?" ... Double dang. As good as busted.
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Specs! I demand your ass back in your fucking house or I will... I will... I will burn it!"
Roderich knew he wouldn't hesitate to do such a thing. That was just Gilbert.
"My ass or my house? I dare you," he just mumbled before hanging up. He showed boarding pass and passport and moved on, soon sitting in the airplane that would take him to Moscow, Russia. What he did from there... he had no idea. Take a taxi or something. But he didn't even know exactly where Ivan lived.
He turned off the cell phone just as a message rolled in.
I once more apologize for how late this is. Please be patient with me and don't kill me, neh?