I hate the internet, I really do. It sucks on my computer, and I cant type on my phone because it reseats after a certain amount of time.
Oh damn
Yup.
Well, we are doing this part for reviewing oc's, yes?
Correct! You guys sent out alot of oc's! :D Thank you!
You guys suck, now I have to converse with her more.
Don't even lie! You love reviewing oc's with me! First off, a Mysterious Illusion:
...Well okay, I'll give ya my OC.
Yay!
...I honestly just want to take a nap...
*takes a few minutes to contemplate how to do this*
You have all ze timez in ze woorrllddd
Oh my god, did you have sweets?
No, not this time. My aunt was talking french earlier, and now I'm talking with an accent
The fuck?
[[[*comes back after typing it out* HOLY COW I am unnecessarily detailed. I blame my family's tendency to criticize things to a point where I've started trying to explain everything all in one go instead of being general. ...Sorry. *hides from Bailey-on-sweets*]]]
Not on sweets this time! I'm on french.
Is french a drug now?
Okay, so her name is Felicity (I didn't give her a last name), she's 14 years old, and my story is a self-insert - I do try not to make it Mary Sue, though! And I won't be talking about her as though she's me.
Thats fine! I've done that too, but people still say they like my Oc.
So her story starts off kind of unoriginal, mostly because I hadn't ever read any self-inserts when I started it and didn't know what was unoriginal, (the unoriginal part is that she went into the FMA[B] universe and how she did :\) but I am planning on going back and altering things slightly.
Always review the product you are placing out.
Are we in advertising now?
Is french still a drug?
I think?
Then yes.
One thing I'm planning to alter is how she got her automail, which makes up three of her limbs: both arms and the right leg. I have to plant an excuse here: When I started writing I wasn't serious about continuing the story but people like it so now I'm stuck withtheplotholeofthemaincharacterwakingupwithautomailbuti'llfixit-
Okay!
Wait, I didn't catch any of that ,
Keep up, dumbass
So mean ;-;
So the reasoning behind the three limbs lost from going through The Gate is that each limb represents a person in Felicity's former life (basically mine, but like I said I'm trying to be third person right now.'):
Thats actually a unique concept. I'm surprised noone else thought of it! (At least from what I know)
The arms are her parents, the only people she ever allowed to come into physical contact with and felt comfortable with it, and the leg is her older brother, who has unwittingly kept her going throughout most of her life. It's cheesy and I didn't really point it out in the story because my character doesn't realize it and it's written in first person, but there are references and things that few people would probably get.
This actually doesn't seem different from any tumblr bloggers. Well, the parent touching and older brother, that is.
(I ramble with everything I say; sorry.)
Now on to the actual character. *sweat-drop*
LETS DO THIS BITCH!
Stop that.
First off, my OC does eventually develop a little *cough* crush on Alphonse, but even where I am in the story she hasn't completely realized it yet, and I don't plan on making it into a corny love story at any point; it isn't in Felicity's nature to obsess consciously over boys. (This is a trait I share with her.)
Well that's nice. I'm sort of sick of reading love stories between oc and canon. All of you guys really like to ship oc's with Canon, don't you? I don't even do that, mostly my oc's always seem annoyed(Is that right?) with other canons.
Sickening.
Me or her?
Both
Speaking of her nature, I guess I'll list the more defining traits that I haven't gone into unnecessary detail with so that I don't end up writing a paragraph for each one:
She's kind of (very? What's the normal amount?) paranoid; let's get that out of the way.
To be expected, she DID get dragged into an anime world, after all.
She's prideful to a fault, which tends to drive her into corners and almost gets her killed once or twice.
She hates feeling useless: another pride related thing.
Deadly siiinnnn! Oui, oui, motherfucker!
*Face desk*
She cares IMMENSELY about the well-being of people she likes/doesn't hate, which, predictably, makes her stress out whenever they get mad with her, which they do.
Well, at least people don't think she's perfect.
I like her so far!
Speaking of which, she's an impulsive liar due to her not wanting to tell anyone that they're a fictional character, even if they're real in that world.
Anyone would lie. I don't blame the boo-boo, nu uh honey.
We are back on the boo boo! :D
Don't even start.
Boo Booo
Shut up!
She scares easily, but a mix between her pride and caring almost always overpowers her will to live and forces her through whatever situation she gets into. (...It's mostly her pride.)
Its Fma, anyone would get scared easily! Have you seen some of the shit on that anime? Holy crap!
And a KEY thing about her is that, while her emotions are there, she almost always mentally replaces them with an internal freak out and denies the people around her knowledge of how upset (or happy, sometimes) she actually is.
Bailey can be like that sometimes
I change my personality alot. I just act how people around me are acting, or incorporate a different version of me.
She doesn't have multiple personalities, believe it or not, she does this for 'fun'. Fucking sick if you ask me.
You're such a Romano today, Jesus!
Also, I've used the automail as major character development, so I'm hoping not to get any criticisms saying it sounds useless. :I
Auto-mail is painful, not useless. It help many people get back on their feet, such as Paniya. It helped people walk around after they were damaged from the war. It may have hurt, but once the pain went away, they could do things normally without burdening anyone. Its not useless. It changed the lives of so many Amestrians!
I'm sorry, but did you just get dramatic over a Fictional devise?
I believe I did.
What.
Now I should probably explain the big plot device in her character. In detail. Again. [[[I'm sorrrryyyyyyy that you have to read through all thissssss]]]
I thought about how, in the 2003 anime, souls from the other side of the Gate were used as energy, and that gave me an idea. What if those souls were really different from the ones in Amestris and the like? What would souls be like in THIS world? Well, I made it so that the reason we can't use alchemy in this world is because, if we were to use our Gates, either our soul or the soul of the person closest to us would be absorbed for the transmutation; in other words, our souls are weak. Not to mentioned they are *not evolved/made/whatever to travel between dimensions.*
I'm squealing abit. I really want to read this, this is a very interesting notion, and im fairly certain noone else has thought of it!
To be fair, this notion is actually very well developed,im very surprised considering most people just half ass their work.
So when Felicity was pulled through the Gate, her soul had to be rearranged to actually fit through it without being absorbed, but that caused it to become even more unstable so that, even though she went through The Portal Of Truth and therefore knows how to do the hand-clap alchemy, (at a basic level) she can't without using her own soul like Ed did when he got impaled in Brotherhood. It has to do with her being the array thus taking energy from herself and - ya. Anyway, because of how her soul is such unstable energy, alchemists and Homunculi can SENSE that there's something off about her.
I've said that her soul is basically a one-soul Philosopher's Stone, only it's not contained like the souls in a Stone, so when an alchemist or Homunculus is near her they get an uncomfortable, icky feeling, usually varying from person to person. For example, Izumi thinks it feels like death, Mustang's description is that she's "forbidden," Greed was the first to say she felt like a Stone, and Greeling, a little different since he has Ling inside him, finds her presence to be intrusive. Ed's only description has been that it freaks him out.
Those examples were completely unnecessary.
Greeling is only in brotherhood, yet your using the concept of Alchemy from 2003! It's really confusing(At least to me), and I cant tell which generation its from? HOW WILL I KNOW WHICH WRATH WILL BE IN THIS OR WHICH PRIDE?! IS SALEM DEAD?! WHO KNOWS- I DON'T APPARENTLY ! ╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
Are you really that mad? ┬──┬◡ﾉ(° -°ﾉ)
Lil' bit, yeah. (╯°Д°）╯︵/(.□ . \)
Go drink some apple juice, yea? ALSO, DON'T FUCKING FLIP ME!
..I can do whatever I want, you cant tell me what to do!
Go.
Fine.
Aaannnd...yeah, I think that's it. As for her appearance, I found an anime character maker online and tried to get as close as I could; my icon is what I came up with, though I never imagine her with bangs, (there was no option) the chin is too narrow, and her eyes are blue-greyish-green...ish. (In other words, exactly my eye color.) Oh, and the hair's longer.
Let me describe what her Oc looks like; Felicity has blondish hair, with lightly(I suppose you could call it that) skin, and apparently Blue/green/grey eyes. I've seen eyes like that on one of my teachers, so these type of eyes are possible, just sort of rare. I don't think alot of FMA people may have these type of eyes, but its still a possibility.
Oh...and uh... her... "honkas" are maybe the size of Hawkeye's compared to her body. *looks up pictures to be sure* Yap.
...How old is she?
I wanna say 15? I don't know~
...I'M SORRY FOR GIVING YOU SO MUCH TO READ. *face-plant* I always either explain too much or too little. *sigh*
You asked for it.
Correction; Bailey did, not me.
Yup! So thank you for sending in your oc! It's very well devolved on terms of the story-line, looks, and some personality. Also the alchemy bit. I really like how you made this, and, although its a self insert, its still like an oc. It's not like someone gets transported in there for a random reason like 'wishing' and then immediately squeals 'EDDY-KUN!' hugs Ed, and acts like a fan girl the whole time. Granted, most people on here are Fans of a certain genera, but im SICK of seeing these types of self inserts.
Shit, if it was me, I would be panicking, and not talking to the characters often. I would just see them and go 'eep', stumble over my words, and try to hide.
I would probably just curse them out, to be honest.
Ok! So, that was A Mysterious Illusion. Next up is banana minion of the pixy stix
Nice name.
Okay, this needs a bit if background info before the actual oc. So, here it is-
Roy was portrayed as a playboy, right? So I feel like (especially) after the war, he would have slept around a bit. So, he meets a woman in a bar, and then boom, baby. I am putting him at age 28-ish when he sees the elrics, and 29-30 when they join up. That means when Ed is thirteen, mustang is 31, and my oc is 13. Now that backstory is done, we can talk oc.
He contributed as a playboy, but I would at least think he would use protection. (But to be honest; I just think its an act so people underestimate him)
Get some condoms on that dick.
Name- Natalie Mustang
Age-13
Looks- tall and skinny, short black hair, and blue eyes. She's tan, with lots of freckles on her face, shoulders, and arms.
She gets the eye color and skin color/freckles from her mom, right? I consider this abit weird since more females look like their father than their mother. Then boys would like their mother mostly. Ed and Al(Brotherhood Al) Its not necessarily true, but it does happen often.
Stop acting smart- It doesn't suit you
You forget that I have the highest grades in my class, Mon petite lapin~!
DID YOU JUST CALL ME A RABBIT?
Likes- giving people stupid nicknames, throwing knives, and hopping trains (think dauntless from Divergent)
Dislikes- guns, small dogs, loud things, and science.
These likes/Dislikes are really sort of general. To be fair, I also do likes/Dislikes, but I really don't see the point.
Special abilities- Water alchemy. She was taught by an old man in her hometown. She can manipulate the water using the gloves the man gave her. She's also really good with throwing knives and darts.
Why did he teach her alchemy? Why did he give her the gloves. How did she become good with throwing knives? Darts I can get-its a pretty fun game- but KNIVES? WHO ALLOWED THIS?
Small personal back-story- her mom died when she was eight.
I just realized that her surname is Mustang. Wouldn't it be the mother's surname? Considering they never got married; Natalie's mother isn't really entitled to use it. Or you can do it like me- I have both my mother's and fathers, although they were never married, and separated a little while after my birth.
You just completely disregarded the fact where we separated it. How did the mother die?
She knew her dad was an alchemist, but never met him, as he doesn't know he has a daughter.
So what the fuck is going on?
I'm done trying to censer this woman.
After her mom died, she stayed with the old man who taught her alchemy. When she was 11 the man died of unknown causes, causing people to call her bad luck.
For natural causes? What.
No one would take her in, so she ended up hopping trains into Resembool.
That's quite mean, I mean; this is a homeless child! Ain't her fault that the old man died because of sickness! THIS IS LIKE OUR WORLD MERGED WITH ANIME! PEOPLE ONLY FEAR FOR THEMSELVES AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS.
...Candy?
¿QUE TU QUIERES?
Calm your tits, lapin.
She met Ed and Al, who kind if,took her in.
I can buy it, they would probably would help her- they would seem like the type to donate to the lest fortunate often.
She went with them to central to become a state alchemist, but didn't join. She helps out a lot though, so she's part of the team, really. This is where our story starts, so I won't tell anymore.
So hush hush~ Secretss
Overall; this oc has flaws- but not everyone is perfect. I say get rid of the likes and dislikes and figure out what she reacts to later on. I like how you incorporated how some of the villagers may feel when they realize how both caretakers of the girl died- but I don't think they will call her 'Bad Luck' when the OLD man dies of natural causes. Honesly, he was old in the first place, it shouldn't be much of a surprise he passed.
I don't know shit! c:
Next up is Anonymous, From chapter five. Oh joy~
Hi there! I don't own an account but I'd just like to say that these are some great guidelines, and I would like to know how you two chat with each other.
We chat to each other Via Email and Ovoo! On ovoo, Candy and me would plan our next chapter,by making various guidelines. Then we would expand by some research, before finally talking about our responses, which I would record via email, we do this like we were on Ovoo, but I don't record. Oh, but on Ovoo, we goof around more often. Currently, I'm typing my voice from an earlier ovoo chat.
DON'T TELL THEM OUR SECRETS!
This is an OC I just made for this occasion, you both can critique as you please. I don't mind a bit.
*Crack fingers* Lets do this shit.
Arya is a female from Xerxes with, you guessed it, golden hair and irises.Now, I know what you're thinking, but her history takes place before Homunculus and the king turned Hohenhiem into the Philosopher's Stone.
Well, that's good! I find it annoying when people's oc's have this trait, and live in modern Amestris. Honestly, all people from Xerxes are dead. Only Ed and Al get to be special snowflakes.
She usually wears her hair up in a high ponytail while she works using a bit of old cloth, and is a slave. Xerxes did have slaves at this time, so this is plausible. But I would think they would get the slaves hair, so the slave doesnt get sweaty, and try to have breaks more often.
Why are Xerxian's even slaves to other Xerxian's?
...That actually is a good question... I'll look into it, see what I can find.
Arya enjoys the company of other slaves, but can be snotty once in a while[ which will get her punished by her masters if directed towards them ].
I would expect this. I don't like this, but its to be expected.
It will take some time to get her out of her favorite place–in her dreamland, more specifically, in bed. She is talented at cooking, and thinks that her world is wonderful, even if she isn't free.
You have to question what type of slave she is. Some slaves work in the kitchen, and clean the house if they are weaker. Around when slavery was in America, people with darker skin were sent outside into the fields, while lighters would clean the home. Of course, this concept cannot be used by Xerxians- seeing as they all have the same skin tone. But I would guess she is an indoor slave- considering she is a good cook.
Arya is fifteen and is five feet and two inches tall.
Average height for a 15 year old. Well, usually a fifteen year old in the U.S is around 5'3-5'7. But, to be fair, I'm under my height range too, and I'm about 14.
I would add more but it's five in the morning, my iPod is about to die and I didn't get any sleep. Hope this is enough information.
You do that. Good luck.
This oc is good, but it has the potential to be better! Her personality is really quite bland, and you might want to describe her slightly better. How long is her hair for an example? You said she put it in a high ponytail- so it has to be longer than her shoulder blades, but we don't really know.
Ok, so, Thats all the oc's reviews for now.
WOOO
I still have to type of the bio's of characters, as well as write the next chapter... Ugh.
Next chapter will probably be the oc's. This was just something really quick.