Important stuff:
Trigger warning: she goes into detail about her sexual assaults (it's descriptive) as well as bulimia, so please put your mental health first if you are triggered by/uncomfortable with things like that.
I'm also going to switch it up a bit and have this chapter entirely from Cat's perspective.
Also, I'm changing the name of this fic right after I post this. The new title will be "Everything's Going to be Okay" because I felt it fit better, since Chris tells Cat that a lot (or, at least, something similar). I've always regretted the title, so I've decided I'm just going to change it. Just so you know.
Love of money is the root of all evil.
Jesus Christ
/vfy/set?id=93993475
Catlyn
Ugh. Monday, I thought as my alarm went off. I mentally debated going to class this morning before I reminded myself that I'm wasting money by not going and then I felt bad. In the light of what happened yesterday, I told my coach that I don't think I'd be able to focus, so she gave me the day off. I just have to make up the time lost during the rest of the week (which sucks because I already have to make up for four days of missed practice). Being careful not to wake up Chris, I gently pulled the blanket off of myself before getting out of bed.
"What're you doing?" Chris asked lazily while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Are you leaving me?"
"Yeah. I have to go to class. You can go back to sleep," I said. He mumbled something and then threw the blanket over his head.
After picking out some clothes to wear for the day, I went to my shower and turned on the water. As I let the water to heat up, I waited for Copernicus to run in here as he usually does. It was a minute before I realized he wasn't coming. I let out a sad sigh before I jumped into the shower. Nearly an hour later, I was finished with my morning routine. While my toast was toasting, I grabbed my book bag and packed up all of my things- starting with my laptop and then putting in my books. The toast popped up and I doused it in sugar and cinnamon. I told Chris I was leaving and what time I projected I'd be back. I figured he wouldn't remember when he really woke up, so I wrote him a note and put it on the counter. It only takes about a half an hour to walk normally from my building to campus, so I have some time to waste.
Why does class have to be so boring? Particularly, my astrophysics class. I'm probably going to drop that class next semester. It's too hard for me, and I don't enjoy it. It's not relative to my major, so there's no point in taking it. Maybe I'll just drop out all together. That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea. I'd be able to train elite then.
Next, though, is the class I dread the most. The content and such isn't the hard part. Certain people who are bad are in here. Just thinking about them in the class makes me want to cry. Lucky for me, they didn't notice I had come in, so they didn't bother me. At least until after class.
While I was walking to one of the vending machines for something to drink during my lunch time, when one of themgrabbed my arm. I tried to break away from his grip, but he was too strong and his hand remained around my upper arm. He pulled me closer to him and put his face close to my ear. I almost told him to stop, but it's not like that means anything to him.
"You should come around again," he whispered in my ear. He pushed me up against the wall and started playing with my hair while he told me how "pretty" he thought I was. I started to walk away but his hand around my arm tightened, so I waited for him to loosen his grip and then I just tore my arm away and rushed to the nearest bathroom.
Trying to control the imminent tears, I started taking my anger out of the plastic thing that holds the toilet paper. I just kept kicking at it until it came completely off of the wall, and then I kicked the broken pieces around until it was nothing but a shattered mess.
There's no need to be violent, I told myself. You've been so good at controlling your anger.
I stood up and took a peek outside of the door. There were only a few people outside, but they didn't look like they were waiting for the bathroom, so I quickly hurried up out of the area and found a safe place to call for a cab. I didn't even bother to clean up the broken pieces of the toilet paper dispenser before running out. In no less than ten minutes the cab had pulled up in front of the building. The driver attempted to make conversation with me, but I was too upset to really didn't say anything. Thankfully, he sensed I was upset and didn't seem offended when I gave simple responses. While we pulled up to the first stop, I asked the driver if he would wait here for a few minutes. He agreed so I jumped out of the cab and ran into the convenience store. I just started grabbing things that look good off the shelf- from donuts to honey buns to ice cream. After I had paid for everything and made it back out to the cab, the driver took me back to the school, where I paid him and then found a bathroom.
While getting comfortable on the floor, I started opening everything. I didn't know what to eat first. I just started shoving things in my mouth and chewing as best I could. After I had cleared the containers down to the little crumbs at the bottom, I immediately began to feel an immense wave of self-hatred.
Don't do it! The little voice in my head shouted. You've come so far! Years of progress down the toilet- literally!
Pushing the thoughts out of my head, I waited for everything to come back up. After finishing the routine I haven't done in quite a while, I threw all of the packages away and made my way out the door. I didn't know what to do next. Should I go home? No, no. Chris might still be sleeping. Should I go to class? No, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is in there. As I began to wander around campus and think about what to do next, one of them (a different one from before) pushed me against the wall and put his face only inches from mine.
"Haven't seen you around here, lately." I said nothing. "Where you been?" Silence. "We've missed you. You should really come over again. I enjoyed myself last time." More silence. I kept trying to turn my face away from him but he just kept grabbing my jaw and snapping my face back so I would look at him. "You need to be more obedient. What would you do without me? You'd be helpless on your own," he said giving me a kiss and then walking away.
I waited a minute to make sure he wasn't going to come back before running off behind one of the near-empty buildings. I took out my phone and started searching through my contacts.
"Are- are you busy right now?" I asked as Chris answered the phone. Sensing that I was upset, he started asking me if I was okay. After repeating the question, he told me no. "Can you come pick me up? I don't want to walk home alone."
"Where are you?" he asked. So, I told him I was at my university. "Okay. I'll be there as fast as I can. I need to look up directions first."
"Okay. Call me when you get here so I can tell you which building to find."
Chris took about a fifteen minutes to call me back. It took him another five minutes to find the building I was behind. But, alas, he found me. Neither of us said anything while I led him to the front of the building to sit behind one of the columns. I asked him to sit down, which he did, and then I made myself comfortable in his lap. He pulled my body closer to his and asked me what happened.
"My you-know-whats touched me," I said, trying to keep my voice quiet so a passerby couldn't hear. He gave me a confused look. "Please don't make me say the word."
"What did they do?" he asked once it clicked.
"First, one of them grabbed my arm and told me I should go over to their place and then touched my hair and told me me thought I was pretty, and then I went to go cry in the bathroom. After I was done crying, I went to go call you, and then another one told me he missed me and that he had 'fun', then kissed me," I said, my voice cracking a few times. "I didn't feel safe walking home, so that's why I called you."
"I'm sorry," he said as I pushed myself closer into his chest. "Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?"
"I don't know," I cried, pulling my hood over my face. "Who the fuck get raped three times? Why do I keep putting myself in these situations?"
"No, don't think like that. You didn't put yourself in those situations. It wasn't your fault," he assured me while he wiped away a few stray tears.
"It just keeps happening, so I'm obviously doing something to provoke them."
"You didn't do anything to provoke them," he told me.
"How would you know? You don't know what happened."
"So tell me what happened, if you want. You said that people don't believe you because one was a woman, but I believe you. Maybe talking about it will help. I'll listen if you do want to talk. Everything's going to be okay."
"Really?" I asked while I played with the hem of my skirt. I hadn't been told that they believed me since I told Lorenzo, and I've told a few people (who I'm no longer associated with) since.
"Yes, really. Do you wanna go anywhere first? I'll pay. Starbucks? ShakeAway?"
"I don't drink Starbucks. Israel gets money from them. I don't support the beast, so why give them money, ya know? ShakeAway's really far away. That one milkshake place I like is only fifteen minutes away if we take the subway," I asked with a weak, but hopeful, smile as I steered him in the direction of the underground.
After about a half an hour of riding around the city, we were finally back at our flat with our milkshakes. The coldness from that put off the soreness from my throat from my little "incident" earlier. When we were almost finished with our shakes, I went and laid down on my bed and motioned for Chris to lay next to me. He asked me if I still wanted to talk about what happened and where I wanted to start.
"You can be as thorough or as vague as you want. If you want to talk, I'll just listen."
"I don't really remember what happened with Guillermo. I remember being naked and him being there. I have little snippets of other memories like this, but I think my brain blocks the memories out. He did it to my cousins too and they told their mom what he did to them and me and Frankie, but she confronted him and then he left for America that night. She probably would've told my parents if he had stayed or had been sent back. I mean, he didn't pose a threat to me while he was out in the sea or in a whole new country, so why tell them? I'm glad my dad knows now because now he won't make us sit next to him or give him hugs anymore." Thankfully, I wasn't crying yet. I think I've cried over this story for so long that I've just forgotten how to cry over it.
"Um, a few years after he left," I continued, "my dad left for America too. He said that he was going to find a nice job so we can move into a nice house and have nice things. A month after my fourteenth birthday, my mom decided it was our time to leave. It was me, Frankie, my mom, and her brother, Felipe. When we got to Miami and had immigration sorted out, we tried to contact my dad, but there's a lot of Manuel Dominguez's in America. So, she gave us a choice and said we could either go with her and live with her cousin on my people's Indian Reservation, or we could stay with Uncle Felipe in Miami, at least until we found my dad. I chose to go with my mom, and Frankie chose to stay with my Uncle Felipe. The conditions of the rez weren't that good. We didn't have a lot of money, racist vigilantes were always patrolling the rez (we called it hunting), and my mom's cousin's husband was really abusive. And those conditions aren't unique to our rez. I really didn't like it there. I didn't speak a lot of English at that point, so communication was hard.
"Anyhow, I was in my room one day after school. I remember everybody in the house had something to do, so it was just me in the house. They must've known that, because shortly after that, I heard the noise in my cousin's room, so I went to go see what was going on, and they were there. I started to run out, but the, uh, girl chased me and brought me back into my cousin's room. The boy said 'Do you wanna play Custer's Revenge, little Kitty Cat? We'll do it just like they do in the game'. He bent me over so the upper half of my body was over my cousin's desk. I remember I was staring at Link from The Legend of Zelda the whole time because he had a poster of it in his room. I can't even look at Link without wanting to cry. He got really mad at me because I kept moving around, so he told the girl to keep me still, and then he put in my mouth, and I bit him... and... um...I don't want to talk about this one anymore," I said, pulling my knees into my chest and crying. Chris asked if he could hug me, to which I agreed.
"It's okay. You don't have to if you don't want." He wrapped his arms around me, but not in a way that made me feel trapped, but more in a way that made me feel protected. "Do you wanna stop? I don't want to re-traumatize you by making you talk about it."
"No, I want to talk about it. Talking about that last one made me feel a little bit better," I said. I let out a sigh before beginning the story. Where do I even start? "Okay, so it all starts with this guy that I'm kind of dating, kind of not..."
"Hey, Cat," he said when he answered his phone.
"Hey. Copernicus has fleas, so I need to bomb my apartment to get them out. Would you mind if I crashed at your house for the night? I have plans for Copernicus. I meant to do it before I left for Ohio, but I forgot."
"Yeah, sure. Just come down whenever you're ready. Do you need a ride?"
"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks, Matt."
While I waited for Matt, I packed up a night's worth of things and then walked over the neighbor's apartment. I would've stayed with him, but he's really odd and smells weird. He has like ten cats though, so Copernicus should be fine there.
After he got here, he drove me to his apartment. When I got there, he made me some dinner and then I took a shower.
"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked after I had changed into my pajamas and holding up To Kill a Mockingbird. I agreed and he led me into his bedroom. He told me that the TV was better quality in there.
"Hey, babe, what's this?" he asked. He turned his phone around and showed me a picture that was taken while I was in Cleveland. It was a picture of me and Lorenzo laying on a couch together, and him giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"It's just me and Lorenzo. You've met Lo before, right?"
"Yeah, I know it's you and 'Lorenzo', but why are you laying with him like that?"
"Why does it matter? You and me aren't dating, and neither are me and Lorenzo."
"Whatever," he said, turning away.
I didn't really follow along with the movie. I was supposed to read it Freshman year, but I was put in remedial English before I could finish it. It really wasn't that big of a tragedy, though. The book was boring when we tried to read it. Actually, I never read it. The teacher gave us chapters to read every few nights, but I never did.
I was brought back to reality by having Matt place a kiss on my exposed shoulder, his stubble and chapped lips irritating my sensitive skin. He kissed an imaginary line up my neck until he reached my lips. I gently pushed him away and told him I just wanted to watch the movie, but he kept trying. Eventually, I just gave up and let him kiss me. After a little bit, he pulled away and pushed his... thing... through the slit in his pajama bottoms.
"I'm not doing that," I said turning away. This, apparently, made him angry. He grabbed the back of my neck and forced my head down towards it.
Oh god, it smells so bad.
"You owe me," he said. He forced me to open my mouth and then putting his thing in. "What would you do without me? You'd be helpless on your own."
Not again, I thought to myself.
Jesucristo. The taste is even worse. I tried to push myself off of him, but that just aggravated him and made him tighten his grip around my neck.
After I had nearly thrown up on him, he got up off of the bed and went over to his desk. Taking advantage of the opportunity, I jumped off the bed and started rushing out the bedroom door. I was in the living room, only a few long strides away from the door, when I tripped over my own feet and fell on the carpet. I felt a stinging in my knee as he turned me over so I was on my back. He simultaneous tried to take off my shorts as he put on protection. He couldn't do both at the same time, so he just ditched the condom and began to take my pajama bottoms off.
I don't think I really need to explain what happened next. During the process, he took out a camera and shoved it in my face and started recording. He told me he was going to post it on the internet. He finished on my stomach and then, few minutes later, another roommate, named Christian, came in. Instead of helping, he joined in. They both made their other roommate, Luke, join in. I know he didn't want to do it, but they still forced him. After they were done, they both made Luke and I take a shower, presumably to wash away any proof they had ever touched me.
As both Matt and Christian went back to the bathroom, Luke and I decided that this was probably our the safest chance we'll get to leave. We ran as fast as we could out the door until we reached his car. I left everything I brought in there (which is really just my clothes from last night, my phone, and my wallet). Luke started until we both felt that we were a safe distance away from them. We decided that he'd drive me to the nearest hospital, which was a Catholic one, and then we'd go our separate ways after a police report and whatnot.
"The police insinuated that I was lying because I regretted having sex, so they still haven't done anything about it," I said after concluding my story. "They said it was because they didn't have any defensive marks. Why didn't I do anything? I just laid there and let them do it. Why me?
"Do you think they ever think about me? Was I their first time doing that? Have they done it since? Does he brag about it to his friends? How do they sleep at night? Did they ever think about the possibility of pregnancy?"
"Do you really want to know the answers?" Chris asked.
"What if I am, Chris? The hospital didn't offer Plan B. Oh my god. What if I am? What will I do?!" I said. I cupped my hands around my mouth while I hyperventilated.
"Cat, don't freak out over things that aren't a definite yet. Your stomach hasn't grown since I've met you, so I think you're fine."
"Really?" I asked, rubbing the tears off of my face with my shirt with the hem of the neck-hole.
He nodded and then we wrapped ourselves in a blanket cocoon to keep ourselves warm (or, at least, that's what I said. I figured I'd sound like a dork if I said I just wanted to be held).
We talked for a while longer about random things (such as how I want to dye my hair back to black, or my love for sushi), and then we went out for a late lunch. By the time nighttime rolled around, we had gone into our separate apartments. I decided that I should probably get used to sleeping alone, but I told him I'd let him know if I needed a friend.
My internet started being really slow (maybe because I'm trying to download ten songs and a movie), so, to try and clear my mind, I went out to the fire escape to just let the rain soak my body. Of course, I didn't sit directly in the rain, because then I'd probably get sick, and that wouldn't be good. I wasn't out there for long before the door opened, and Chris was standing in the doorway.
"I wanted to see how you're feeling," he said. I motioned for him to come and sit next to me. "You didn't answer your door, so I thought you might be out here."
He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. I craned my head back so we were face to face.
"Kiss me," I said. He leaned in closer and closer until our lips collided.
Despite our chapped lips, and Chris' stubble rubbing my skin the wrong way, I actually enjoyed myself. I mean, am I even allowed to enjoy things like that anymore? Aren't I supposed to hate men now? Ugh, men are evil and more than one ruined my life (but, I guess, a woman did too at one point). Liking boys is what got me in trouble in the first place. I'm supposed to cower away at sex and kissing and intimacy, right? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm blocking a fire exit with a guy who has sat with me and let me cry on his shoulder every single time I'm upset. He hasn't pressured me into anything, and he legitimately cares for me. Nobody has taken the time to treat me like this since Lorenzo. I really like him, and I'm quite sure that he likes me too. I just hope everything works out between us. Despite only knowing him a short time, I feel like Chris is somebody that I couldn't bear to lose.
Woah! Longest chapter I've ever written! I got a new laptop (it's soooooooooo much faster), so updates should speed up once I get used to a school schedule. And it only took me three weeks to write this?! Holy tamales! That's a world record for me!
More important stuff: I might go through and edit the dialogue for both Cat and her family, as well as Yasmeen and her family. I was rereading it, and the way that I wrote the dialogue doesn't sound realistic. It sounds too "proper" for non-Native speakers who have only been speaking English for a few years. I'm not going to do what JK Rowling did when writing Hagrid. I'll most likely just change some words around and thing like that. This is just a little heads up in case you notice that Cat starts speaking differently in the following chapters.