Ok so I know I left you with a cliff hanger and I apologize but it needed to stop there. I appreciate the reviews from everybody and can't thank all of you enough for taking time away from your lives to read what I write. Please listen to Lullaby by The Spill Canvas you won't be sorry. That is awesome. I want to say thanks to my Bestie Heather for helping me with this chapter I love you!!!!! As always I don't own the characters but I so so so wish I did at least Edward anyway.

EPOV

One minute Bella and I are kissing making out like high school kids and the next she is on the floor in a catatonic state. She was crying and panting and I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't fix her like I said I would. I was making worse. My mom told me to take things slow and I didn't listen and now look at what was happening. I was causing Bella pain and hurting her so bad, things I said I would never do.

I tried talking to my brothers about what was going but how do I explain to them why Bella is laying on the floor without telling them the things that happened to her. It wasn't my place to tell her secrets, nor did I want to. I don't even think I could repeat the things she said without becoming so infuriated that I would track James down and beat the shit out of him for hurting her. Not to mention it wasn't just his fault that she was laying on the floor like that, it was mine. I pushed her to hard, took things to fast, and made her relive a memory she should never have to see again.

I know this is expected when someone is healing but to be the one that made the memory come along my God I never wanted her to see James' face or hear his words because of me. I'm not helping her I'm hurting her even more. My options were clear I could stay and try to help her and make things work and try to be very careful not to break her again. But that came with risks cause I could make her remember something again and I don't think I could handle that pain on her face again. The other option was to leave. Go back home with my heart broken again. It happened once before but under completely different circumstances. I thought I would never find the ground again after that time of my life, but I did. I went on to become who I am now and I knew by leaving Bella now, she could continue on with her life and be happy. I could go away where I couldn't hurt her anymore. It would kill me to live without her heart belonging to me, but what choice do I really have. I would break my own heart a million times over to save hers from pain.

I walked to my room and glanced at the clock realizing it was five in the morning. I had been sitting out on the back porch watching the snow fall all night just thinking about what I knew I had to do. I opened my bedroom door and walked in throwing my coat on the floor. I looked up and there she was, curled up in my bed clutching my pillow with her face buried in it. I walked closer and sat down on the bed just watching her sleep. She looked like hell and I felt the pain in my heart knowing that I had caused her pain once again. Her red cheeks and puffy eyes proved that she had been crying because she thought I was gone, and here I am planning to leave her right now. Could she handle that? Could I, I know I couldn't but could I really hurt Bella like this? Just walk away on the most amazing person I have met. I didn't know a whole lot about her life outside of James but I knew I loved her more than anything. How that is is beyond me but I was truly in love with this woman lying before me and I was hurting her so badly. I stood up changing into some pajama pants. I slid in behind her wrapping my arms around her and breathing in that amazing lilac off her skin. I could not give her up, selfish or not I couldn't leave. I closed my eyes knowing that tomorrow or in a few hours anyway I was going to have to make my behavior up to Bella. That was going to be hard. I started thinking of things to do to fix this as sleep overtook me.

I woke up at noon and immediately felt the cold sheet next to me. She was gone. I jumped up and ran to her room opening the door and taking a deep breath when I saw that her suitcases and boxes were still there. Ok Cullen time to let Bella in, you have work to do.

I walked down to get a quick bite to eat before I started setting up for tonight. I walked into the kitchen and Bella was rinsing off her plate and putting it into the dishwasher.

"Good morning Bella" I said barely above a whisper. "Morning" was all I got. My heart hurt as I felt her cold word hit me. She was shutting me off. "I'll be gone pretty much all day with the girls so I guess I might see you later" she said as she walked out of the room. I knew I had to make her understand why I did what I did last night. I had to make her see how much I loved her, and I would. I ate a quick sandwich, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door to get everything ready for tonight.

BPOV

I woke up being nestled into those arms that I loved. I turned slightly to see Edward lying beside me holding me tightly. I don't understand he won't talk to me last night; he comes home after three in the morning, and then crawls into bed with me. Does he really think I need this? I've had enough shit go wrong to date; I don't need Edward fucking Cullen messing me up anymore. I mean really, I live him so much but fuck he knows what happened yesterday was destined to happen. I'm healing it comes with the territory. I needed to get out of this bed and away from him. Even though I love him I am so angry with him right now for walking out on me.

I quickly showered and got ready for my day out with the girls. God did I never need this day. I needed to get out of this house and away from Edward. I just didn't want to think about him today, I just want to have a fun day. I grabbed some breakfast and figured while waiting I would throw the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Good morning Bella" I heard him whisper. "Morning, I'll be out pretty much all day with the girls so I guess I'll see you later" I said coldly walking out of the room. He needed to understand that he hurt me. The bruises and the welts from being physically hurt would go away but being emotionally hurt was a whole nother thing. Edward hurt me more than I ever thought someone could hurt me. He told me he loved me, that he wanted to help me, that he would never hurt me. I mean I know someday he will hurt me but those will be little insignificant things that don't really matter. Walking out on me last night hurt me because I felt like he didn't care, on top of that after those memories flooded my mind I wanted nothing more than to be held by Edward. To be tucked away into his safe arms so I could push the memories away from my mind.

Instead a laid alone crying most of the night. Sometimes I cried because of Edward and others were fear from hearing James' voice echo in my head. I needed him last night so bad and he left. He walked away from me when I really needed him and I just don't think I can trust him to not do that to me again.

"Bella, come on," I heard the girls yell ripping me out of my thoughts. I hopped in the car and put my hands up "Please no Edward today ok I just need a girls day, so can you guys please do that for me?"

They both nodded as we headed to the mall. I hated shopping but I needed something to keep my mind of Edw.. him so Alice said shopping and I said sounds great. We spent the rest of the day going store to store having Rose and Alice but me entirely to many things, but I had so much fun and realized how much I had missed my girls. We pulled up to the house and I grabbed my bags out of the trunk. "Ok guys call me in a little bit and maybe we'll go get drinks after I put my new wardrobe away" I laughed as I rolled my eyes.

I walked in to my room and plopped down on the floor with all my bags. I wasn't lying about the new wardrobe; I didn't know going shopping with the girls meant they were going to buy me one of everything at every store. Oh how I love them though, they were leaving in two days and that made me sad because I really would have no one once they were gone. With things between Edward and I being rocky, I would be alone. I stood up and walked over to my bed noticing a piece of paper laying there, I sat down and grabbed it. It was from Edward:

Bella,

I don't know where to begin. First things first I am so sorry. That word can't even describe how bad I feel for what I have done to you. I know I was wrong. I left you when you needed me most because of my own insecurities and fears. I love you Bella my God I love you so much. You are my life now and last night I hurt you in a way I may never be able to make up for. I hope you will let me try because I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying too if you want. I just want to make you happy Bella. You make me so happy, you make everything better for me. I want to do the same for you. But yesterday when I scared you and made you break down I just felt that I was hurting you more than helping you. I don't regret making love to you Bella but I wish I wouldn't have because in all honesty you and I both weren't ready for that. I'm sorry for that Bella. My mother told me to go slow with you. Guess I fucked that up. I just want you to know that I will try harder Bella, I will be what you need. I'll do whatever takes to see you happy with or without me, it's your choice. Just know that I do love you more than anything and I can fix this I hope because I can't imagine going thru the days for the rest of my life not having you right beside me. Please of you can even think about forgiving me even though I know I don't deserve it grab your coat, hat, and gloves and walk out to the backyard. Follow the arrows to me and let me try to start making this up to you. I love you so much baby, please love me too!

Love,

Edward

Xoxoxoxo

I pushed the tears from cheeks as I read the letter a couple more times. He thought it was his fault, he's so damn stupid. He's a doctor for God's sakes he should know that this will happen. He's so stupid but I love him so much. Especially after that letter and the words in it, how could someone not love this man that happens to be crazy in love with me. Before I could think anymore I was running down the stairs grabbing my coat, hat, and gloves and running into the backyard.

EPOV

I had everything ready, due to the cold we would have to do this in a tent. I was so nervous, I've never brought anyone to my meadow before. It was my one place to go when I needed to get away from it all. I fumbled across it when I was 14 and I've always kept it to myself all these years. Tonight I wanted to share it with Bella. Even though it was winter and the flowers were dead and covered by snow it was still beautiful. The small stream that ran thru it was trickling and the moon was shining down illuminating everything in a soft glow. I had the blanket laid down in the tent with rose peddles scattered everywhere. I had a bottle of champagne and two glasses,a heater, my guitar, and a old wrinkled picture. Everything I needed to hopefully get Bella to coe back to me. I heard branches crackling and I knew Bella was here. She obviously didn't get lost. I tried to use lots of arrows with signs on them so she would not get lost. It worked because when I popped my head out of the tent there she was. She bit down on her lip and smiled at me. She was still holding my letter in her hands. I slipped out and pulled her towards me, kissing her cheek.

"Thank you so much for coming Bella," I smiled. "It's nothing but um where are we?" she laughed. "This is my meadow. I found this place when I was 14 and I've been hiding it from everybody ever since. You are the first person to come here with me and I just wanted to share something with you that I have never shared with anybody else." I winked at her.

"It's well it's beautiful Edward and thank you that means…well it means a lot." She said quietly.

"Well let's get you inside the tent before you freeze ok?" I said pulling her towards the tent.

We walked in and she took off her coat because that little heater had really warmed it up inside. She sat down on the pillows on the floor and looked around smiling lightly. I grabbed her a glass of champagne and sat down across from her. She gazed at my guitar and looked at me with her eyebrow slightly raised. I just nodded and said "Later."

I pulled out the old winkled picture and looked at it before taking a deep breath "Bella I know what I did last night was unacceptable and I completely understand if you can't forgive me, but I really felt as though I was hurting you more. I should have gone slower with you Bella. You deserve better than what I gave you and I apologize for that. I want to make it up to you and I am going to try my hardest tonight to let you in and I hope I can make you see how much I really love you." I said anxiously. She nodded and smiled lightly before I continued.

"Bella when I was twenty I was dating a girl named Tanya. We had a decent relationship and I even thought about marrying her one day. We were together for two years when I started medical rotations for school. I was gone a lot and I knew I was hurting her but I tried my hardest to make her happy. I came home one day to find her on the bathroom floor crying. She said nothing but handed me a pregnancy test." I looked to Bella when I noticed her eyes open a little wider. "It was positive and I grabbed her hugging her because I was honestly happy. I've always wanted kids and felt so lucky to know that I was going to be a daddy in nine short months." I choked back the tears as I continued. "We were three months into the pregnancy and things seemed to be going really well between us until I came home one day to find suitcases by the door. I found Tanya in the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. She told me I was a horrible boyfriend and she couldn't stand to be with me anymore. She said all I did was hurt her all the time and she hated me for all the pain I had caused her."

I handed Bella the picture of my baby boy. "This was taken one week before that day. We were going to name after me of course and I had already bought so many things for him. I was so damn excited Bella. I asked Tanya what we were going to do about Edward jr. I told her that I wanted to be with him all the time, that I would pay for everything he needed and she didn't have to worry. I begged for her not to take my son away from me." With that the tears started to flow, it had been so long since I had opened up those wounds but I knew I needed to let Bella in. "She said I didn't have to worry about it Bella. I asked her why what did she mean he was my son of course I was going to worry about him. I'll never forget those words Bella the words that will forever break my heart. She had an abortion Bella. She killed our son. She was so angry with me that she killed my son. It's my fault, if I would have been there for her more, and been more that she needed he would still be here. I could hold him and kiss him and love him like I always wanted to do." I cried.

"Shh Edward I am so sorry my God am I so sorry. I can't imagine but Edward it's not your fault. You didn't do this ok." She cried into my chest

"He would have been six this year, I was going to take him to baseball tryouts when he turned six. I wanted to coach little league and I would have been at every one of his games Bella a swear I would have. But by letting Tanya down I let my son down and it hurts so bad, everyday Bella it hurts." I couldn't talk anymore I just cried.

I felt Bella's arms wrap around me as she kept saying "It's not your fault Edward. He would have loved you so much. I know you would have been good to him and I know you love him even now so much."

My eyes stung from the tears but it felt good to let them out. I hadn't talked about my son with anybody other than my family and to tell Bella about him made me feel like a weight was off my shoulders. As the tears slowed I leaned up to look at Bella. She handed me the picture back. I kissed it before slipping it back into my wallet.

"I understand" she said quietly. "Why you always think you are at fault Edward. That was not your fault in any way. If she was unhappy she could have left. What she did was selfish and evil and I hope she pays for it someday. Edward please listen to me, it wasn't your fault. Neither what happened with Tanya or what happened yesterday, none of it was your fault. You know I will have times when I have flashbacks, as time goes by they will slow and go away completely. You are helping me and I love you so much Edward. You hurt me last night but that doesn't mean I hate you, I honestly never could. I understand why you left though, and I don't blame you. If I was in your shoes I would have done the same thing. Please just please promise me you won't leave me again Edward. Talk to me always about your concerns or fears, don't run from me okay." She said as a few tears still fell from both of our eyes.

"I promise Bella, I honestly couldn't live without you and I don't know how I survived so long in this world with you not being by me. You are my everything and I want to share everything with you. The good the bad everything Bella because you are so important to me and I never want to lose you."

"You won't." she whispered.

We sat in silence for awhile just holding each other before Bella looked at the guitar again. "What's with the guitar?" she giggled.

BPOV

I watched as he grabbed the guitar and smiled. Everything Edward told me tonight was heartbreaking. My heart literally broke for him as I watched him cry and talk about the son he would never see grow up. He would be an amazing father and I know he will be someday. I just wanted to hold him and make him see that hit was not his fault. None of that was his fault but when he told me that I immediately realized what he was doing yesterday. He was trying to run from me because he was afraid he was going to hurt me. He was so afraid of hurting another person again that he would hurt himself to keep my feelings safe. If he only could see how wonderful and amazing he really was. I fell in love with him all over again sitting in hat tent listening him cry out to me. He trusted me with his meadow and his secrets and I loved him all over again for that.

"I heard this song and it just it's us and I wanted to play it for you" he said softly. "You play the guitar? What other hidden talents do you have Mr. Cullen" I joked. "Oh you'll see my dear" he joked back.

He started to strum the strings and I sat back feeling all giddy like a school girl.

It's the way that you blush when you're nervous, It's your ability to make me earn this

Well that certainly fit I laughed to myself.

I know that your tired, just let me sing you to sleep

It's about how you laugh out of pitty,, because let's be honest I'm really not that funny

I know that your shy, just let me sing you to sleep

The tears were rolling down my cheeks as he continued to sing and play for me. He is so amazing and I am so fucking lucky!

It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it

It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded

I know that your weak, just let me sing you to sleep

If you need anything, just say the word I mean anything

Rest assured if you start to doze then I'll tuck you in, plant my lips were your necklaces close

I just watched him playing feeling every word in my heart because this song really was us. It was us together always. It was my new favorite song and always would be.

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything,

I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me

Now I feel your name, coursin' through my veins,

You shine so bright, it's insane

You out the sun to shame

He finished the chorus again and slowly ended the song smiling lightly at me. I threw myself across the small space and cried into his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tightly never wanting to let go. He wrapped his arms around me pulling me even closer to him.

"Thank you Edward, I love you so much." I said thru my tears.

"I love you too Bella with every part of my heart and soul, I love you."

"One more thing Edward" I said leaning back to look in his eyes, "Your forgiven."

Ok so that is the longest chapter I have wrote but wow it was needed. I cried writing this it was hard but Bella needed to know why he was the way he was. I hope you love it as much as I do. I am quite proud of this chapter.

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