Ch 10- Reeled Back In
December 2, 1969
"When's he coming?" Olivia asked excitedly. She sat at the breakfast table, her tiny feet swinging as they dangled high above the floor.
"Hmmm?" Jude asked remaining focused on the waffles she was preparing.
"When's my Daddy coming, he said he would come!" Olivia reminded.
Jude sighed. She had told Timothy that she would only allow him to say goodbye to Olivia if he would be the one to break the news to her that he wasn't going to be a regular part of her life. Instead, he'd visited her the next morning, promising that he would come to Boston soon, at Christmas time, and take her ice-skating. Jude almost cried when he promised this and she saw her daughter's eyes light up, because she knew there was no way he'd follow through with it: he was going to break her little heart.
Jude stared back at her little daughter, silent for a moment. She resented being so crushed by this burden: it pained her more than she could convey. Of course all of this was further complicated by what had transpired between her and Timothy after they had put Olivia to bed that night.
They fought, then they'd cried and then they'd kissed….passionately. Very passionately. Just as Jude had been in the process of kicking him out of her hotel room they'd begun to kiss. Upon recollection, Jude couldn't tell you how it happened or who initiated it. She could only say how she felt…. how he felt after so long and that she'd been drawn in by something almost otherworldly and so had he.
The two relished each other, focusing only on their kiss, which became intense very, very quickly and by the time they reached the couch, had turned to something more than just kissing. He'd slept there that night…and whatever it was that had happened, Jude was confused by it. She was afraid she was being pulled back in by his charms, and his manipulation. Jude still loved him; but she knew she could not go back with him for anything because she couldn't trust him and moreover, she couldn't trust herself when he was part of her life. After all, he was toxic for her.
"Honey I know he said he'd come. But Mommy doesn't know if he really is." Jude admitted.
"He will, I know he will! I promise, Mommy!" She defended.
Her daughter's firm defense of Timothy jarred her deeply, making her realize she wasn't just worried about his returning for Olivia's sake, but for her own as well.
…
School was just beginning to wind down for the holiday season, meaning that the semester was coming to a close and Olivia's project about her Dad was due very soon. Although she had met and even spent time with him now she didn't have a way to answer any of the questions the project asked. Because she'd done nothing for the project, Olivia was being kept indoors during all her recesses. This one was no exception. The little girl sat in the reading corner looking up at all the questions the teacher had written on the chalkboard. She could not read them but remembered what they were:
1. What does your Father do for a living? Olivia knew the answer to that, but knew she couldn't say it. She wondered if she should make something up.
2. What does he like to do in his free time? Olivia also didn't know the answer to this, he had told her he worked all the time.
3. What do you and your Father like to do together? This question saddened Olivia. She didn't know what they would like to do together, as she'd only had, the one day with him. She thought, though, that the answer might be going out for ice cream.
4. Name a time your Father did something nice for you. Olivia was old enough to know she couldn't very well say that agreeing to meet her was the nicest thing he'd done for her…even though it was just about the only thing he'd done…
5. I love my Father because….Olivia did not like to think about this one. Even though they'd had a connection; this one pained her. She didn't know if he loved her. Not really.
"You will not move from that spot." Her teacher reminded. "Until you answer those questions."
Olivia sighed, staring back at the questions. She held two crayons in her hand, just incase she thought of any answers but was not allowed to color, only write. Olivia was too young to realize that her teacher was merely being cruel, after all, Olivia didn't really know how to write much and was so upset over the pressure being thrust upon her that she'd forgotten that, and wouldn't fully realize it until she went to go and write. Olivia looked up at the board. There were at least two more questions and she didn't know how she'd ever answer them, but knew she had to, she couldn't stomach the thought of never going to recess again and she missed her friends.
"Olivia." She heard a gentle voice call from the doorway.
Olivia turned around with wide eyes when she saw her Father enter the room. He stood there, in the doorway of her classroom, dressed in his priest's jacket and collar.
"Daddy!" She squealed, throwing down her crayons and running to him with open arms. This was only the second time she'd ever met him but she couldn't help but feel right at home in his arms.
Timothy gave a halfhearted smile as he got on his knees and embraced the child. The Nun who was her teacher watched in horror. Timothy closed his eyes and kissed his daughter's cheek, lifting her into his arms.
"How is my girl?" He asked her. "I understand we have a problem here."
The Nun laughed nervously. "Are you by any chance, Cardinal Howard?" She inquired.
"Yes, and I understand you and Olivia have a problem."
"She pulled my pigtail Daddy." Olivia confided, feeling powerful in her place in her Father's arms.
"Daddy?" The Nun asked.
"Yes, Sister Elizabeth, Olivia is my child and you will not treat her this way."
Sister Elizabeth, who'd been the school's kindergarten teacher for 30 years, had never confronted a parent like this, much less one who was somehow a cardinal, and had no idea what to say. Like many members of the clergy in Boston she knew of the affair between the now Cardinal and the disgraced Sister Jude, and believed that Olivia was a product of that relationship: that said, she never would've believed the Cardinal would claim the child and was stunned it seemed to be happening.
"Daddy when she pulled it, it hurted a lot." Olivia pouted. Timothy looked back at his little girl, surprised.
"Sister, why on earth would you pull a five-year-old's pigtail like that?" He asked, cupping the side of his daughter's head in his hand protectively, without even realizing he was doing it at first.
Timothy was surprised to feel this surge of paternal protection run through him when Olivia said this, he'd never experienced it before and he'd never expected it would happen. But he supposed that that's why he was there: because he hated the notion that anyone was being cruel to his daughter. Olivia felt comforted and lay her head against her Father's shoulder.
"Cardinal Howard, I'm sure that we…"
"Look, I understand that corporal punishment is still in use at some of these schools, but…hair-pulling is not a smack on the wrist, Sister."
"Daddy she pulled hard." Olivia whined.
"Cardinal's aren't supposed to have daughters, especially with nuns."
"Huh?" Olivia asked.
"Yes, Olivia is my child with Sister Jude." He admitted.
"My Mommy's a Mommy not a Sister!" Olivia was immediately confused.
"Olivia…Daddy will explain later."
…
Olivia was kind of intimidated when her Dad pulled her from school and placed her on top of his shoulders. She worried that Mommy and Mary Eunice would be worried about her when they came to pick her up and she wasn't there, but she was so excited to be with her Father that she didn't even think to ask about her Mother and sister, or to question whether or not he should have her at all. The school hadn't even questioned it, but had let him take her because he was a cardinal and because the child's physical similarities to him were striking: unbeknownst to Olivia, he'd told them that she was his brother's child.
"Daddy where are we going?" She asked resting her chin on top of his head.
"Anywhere you like. But first, we will go for some ice cream and then you and I will have a little talk."
"About what?"
"About why I haven't been a part of your life until now Olivia."
"Daddy I wanna know, I wanna know!"
"All in good time my love." He laughed.
"I'm your love?"
"My little love yes."
Timothy got them ice cream, keeping the girl on top of his shoulders and walked to the park, finally sitting her down on a bench next to him. She smiled brightly, looking up at him, seeming to pay attention to nothing else.
"Olivia." He said. "It's time for us to talk. You know that I am a Cardinal, correct?" She nodded. "And you understand that I'm not supposed to be anyone's Father or husband or even boyfriend, you understand that too?" Olivia nodded at this too as she continued eating.
Timothy paused, deciding he wanted to tell her this story so that Jude wouldn't have the pain and shame of doing it. He wanted her to like him and he didn't think that this would get him bonus points.
"Well that's why I'm not in you life, like I should be."
"Daddy I know that."
"Well Olivia, there's more. Obviously, in order to become your Father, I would have to have broken my promise to the church, wouldn't I?"
"Ya mean ta be my Mommy's boyfriend?"
"Y-yes." He was surprised she knew this and wondered how much else she knew. "But there's more Olivia. What your teacher said about Mommy earlier was true…to an extent. Before you were born, Mommy was a Sister, a Nun." Olivia's eyes widened in surprise at this. Why had Mommy kept that part from her?
"M-Mommy was a…"
"I was a Priest, and she a Nun and we, we fell in love, Olivia. It was wrong but we couldn't help it. And I loved your Mother deeply, for a very long time…"
"Why isn't she a Nun now?"
"She left the church because she was having you."
"Why didn't you?" Olivia was upset. Timothy sighed.
"One cold night, just before Christmas, almost exactly six years ago, your Mother and I got together for our usual Friday night dinner, most times she would cook for me, sometimes I would cook for her. That night, we had news for each other. Mine was that I'd gotten my wish and was going to be Cardinal, hers was that someone new was going to come into our lives: that someone was you, Olivia. Your Mother and I went our separate ways that night. I went on to be Cardinal. She became your wonderful Mother…that's my fault Olivia, Daddy made a choice and it wasn't you." Olivia looked down, a huge tear pouring down her cheek and she began to sniffle.
"So it's true. You didn't want me!"
"No. No, Olivia I…I did not." He explained carefully. "And it was the worst decision I ever made in the whole of my life. It was a mistake to not want you. I love you my child, and your sainted Mother, more than I could ever possibly have imagined. I would love more than anything, to be your Father now."
"You can come and live with me and Mommy and Mary." Olivia forgave him seeing big tears in his eyes as well.
"Sweetheart, it's not so simple. You see Mommy won't take Daddy back no matter what he does. And she doesn't have to. The best I get now is days like these where I will come up here and spend the day with you."
"But that's not fair."
"No it's not. But never forget, Daddy was the one who wasn't fair. Not Mommy."
"Why do you want me now?"
"Because I know I always should have Olivia. My child you mean more than the world to me." He explained. "And so, he'll do his very best, from now on, to keep his promises to you."
"Mommy said you wouldn't."
"Mommy has every right to believe I won't. But I will. Just for you." Secretly, Timothy wanted to prove this to Jude as well.
"Daddy I still love you." She admitted quietly.
"I love you too Livie. Come on, Daddy will go play with you if you still want to, and then we'll go and get a new toy."
"I don't want a toy Daddy I just want you." She cried.
"I know, but a present you will get, nonetheless. There have not been enough of those, not from me."
…
Jude was frantic and nervous now and flung the door open when someone knocked, hoping against all hope that it would be Olivia, safe. She was floored to see Timothy and quickly looked up, seeing her daughter on top of his shoulders.
"Oh!" She sobbed, reaching up for her little girl.
"Hi Mommy!"
"Oh my little love, there ya are!" She cried, taking Olivia in her arms and holding her close. She cried as she held the girl tight. "Yar okay. Yar okay. Mommy was so worried. Who's ya friend there?" She asked, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying.
"She's the doll Daddy got me, see."
"Oh I see. Honey." She kissed her daughter's cheek several times more. "Mary Eunice and I have been worried sick, go tell her that yar home, show her yar new friend and wash up far dinner, alright?"
"Okay. Bye Daddy." Olivia waived.
"Bye sweetheart." He smiled kindly, watching as she disappeared back into the hallway.
"Timothy!" Jude yelled. "I can't believe ya took her from school without telling me! I was worried sick and scared ta death! What in the hell were ya thinking!" She was crying as she started slapping him.
Even though the school had told her that Olivia's Uncle, Cardinal Howard, had taken her for the day, she'd been worried sick and even called the police. Timothy; after all, was not supposed to have her.
"I-I'm sorry Jude. I wanted to see her…I wasn't thinking. Her teacher wasn't exactly being agreeable, or very nice to her at all and I wanted to spend some time with her and take her out of that environment….Jude, I came up to take care of her little school problem that you called me about."
"Y-ya did?" Jude was surprised, her demeanor changing suddenly.
"Yes. I did. She won't be bothering our little girl anymore Jude."
"Thank ya Timothy." She said sincerely. Jude had to admit she couldn't have done this. "I-I'm touched that ya did that. I coulda handled it ya didn't have ta."
"Yes, yes I did Jude."
The two stood in silence for a few moments; Jude folded her arms and blushed looking downcast toward the ground. She almost didn't want to look at him for a moment, the last time she'd seen him they'd made love, or rather had passionate unprotected sex on a hotel room floor only feet away from their sleeping five year old. It was a new low for the two of them and neither of them wanted to discuss it. Even so, both blushed at the thought and took joy in it, at least somewhere deep inside.
"Woulda….would ya like ta come inside far a bit….I have dinner in the oven…its not much but…"
"I'd love to." His heart leapt; surprised that she would offer him this kindness. "I-I'd love to see where my child is living." He gave an excuse.
That was only part of it. In reality, he missed the love and warmth of Jude's home and since he'd left her he'd never felt whole without it.
"Now since when do ya think ya have some parental rights?" She asked, teasing him a little as she led him into the kitchen.
Timothy ignored her little jab and took a deep breath, relishing the scent of her cooking and the ambiance of the home she made. It was just as he remembered, if not better because it was her apartment, not her quarters within Briarcliff. This place was truly live. It was beautifully decorated, the walls were a warm butter yellow, and the rugs a modern black and white striped. There was a fire in the hearth and everywhere he turned, he found that the walls were covered in artwork, most of it was obviously drawings his daughter had made, and the rest of it, was obviously done by a more highly skilled artist.
"Did you paint these?" he asked, looking around the living room as he followed her into the kitchen.
"No." She laughed. "That's all Mary Eunice. "I have some very highly skilled girls; don't I Timothy?" She laughed.
"Yes, yes it would seem that you do." He laughed.
"Would ya like some bread, befare we eat?"
"Yes, yes thank you."
"Mommy, Mommy I wanna tell you both about my day!" She squealed, pulling Mary Eunice into the room behind her. "Daddy you're here!"
"That's right Olivia he's going to stay for dinner." Jude announced.
Mary Eunice's eyes widened in horror at her adoptive Mother's words, he was staying for dinner? What was she thinking?! Her heart sunk, seeming to crash into her gut at the mere thought, and she felt like she was about to be sick. Mary sighed, deciding that when it was all over she'd be there to pick up the pieces just as she had before.
…..
"Good night our sweetheart." Jude whispered. She kissed Olivia's cheek as Timothy pulled the covers up to her shoulders. Olivia was almost totally asleep and barely stirred at the sound of her Mother's words.
"Good night princess. Daddy will see you tomorrow."
Olivia said nothing and allowed her head to settle deeper into her pillow as she drifted off to sleep. Timothy and Jude leaned down to kiss her at the same time their heads bumping together roughly.
"Ow!" They cried.
The two looked back at each other pausing for a moment just as they were eye to eye. It took mere seconds for both to feel like they were trapped in each other's orbit and about to be sucked in all over again. Jude quickly looked away, breaking their eye lock, determined to not be taken in by him again, and more than anything, to not repeat the fling she'd had with him a few weeks before.
"So um…" She began, biting her lip as she shut Olivia's door behind her and they stepped into the hallway. "Ya said you'd see her tomorrow?"
"Yes I…I'm staying in town a couple of days to see her and attend to some other matters…I hope it's alright if…"
"Yes, yes of course. She um…she knows ya now it… it' s just kinda funny, after all this time, are ya suddenly jockeying far Father of the year?" Jude was uncomfortable and crossed her arms over herself almost protectively as she asked this question.
"Jude I…I know I'm late but…I want to take some responsibility for our child. In anyway I can. I told you this and I met it. She deserves a better Daddy than me, but I love her. She's perfect. She makes me feel so tremendously happy, and so guilty…I look at her and I see our love."
Timothy smiled, his eyes downcast as he fought back tears, a few managing to escape and roll down his cheeks. This didn't go unnoticed on Jude's part and made her want to cry too, but she chose to ignore his emotion on the subject and her own as well.
"Jude…" He felt he could say it now that they were alone. He had to say it, no matter what the cost. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I threw you away. I know I can't make up for that. But let me try."
"Ya could never do anything ta make up far what you did." She reminded, her tone growing angrier by the syllable.
"No, perhaps not." He agreed. "But what's past is past. And like I said before I want, with everything I am, to be the Father I can be for her."
"Ya know." She reminded. "I told ya not ta contact us…and here ya are."
"And here I am to stay." He smiled, walking a couple of steps toward her.
His approach physically trapped her, and Jude found herself pressed back first against the wall. Her heart began to pound, and part of her went on high alert, trying to signal to the rest of her that this is how it used to feel, how he was when he was controlling: he completely disarmed her. He cornered her.
"S-stay?" She stammered, her hands searching for the wall its self.
"To stay." He reaffirmed, looking down into her big brown eyes. "To be a Father and a friend and whatever you need me to be."
Jude didn't realize that the controlling aspect wasn't one-sided; Timothy also felt entranced by her, somehow coerced to do things he would otherwise never do, and always had. There'd been times when he'd wondered if she could make him do, or say anything.
"I-I don't need ya ta be." She swallowed nervously, trying to stay strong as his eyes drilled into her own.
"Oh you do, yes you do." He whispered, nuzzling her, rubbing the side of his nose against hers lovingly.
"No, no I don't I…"
Very suddenly, the two found themselves in a lip lock, the tender caress of his lips and his breath against her, own, making her weak in the knees almost instantaneously. Like before, neither knew who started the kiss first, but both assumed it was the other. Jude opened her mouth and tilted her head, wrapping her arms, and then her legs around him, jumping into his arms. Neither realized the other was crying as they kissed. Timothy carried her down the mostly dark hall to her bedroom and shut the door behind him, sitting her on the edge of her bed. He got on his knees in front of her, holding her tear stained face in his hands as they kissed, neither could pull away from the other long enough to catch their breath.
"Oh Jude." He whispered, barely moving from her embrace. "I love you with all the depth and breath the heart and soul could amass. I'm so sorry for what I did; you have no idea. Oh Jude just to hold you again…. it's like each second is an eternity made just for you and me."
She took a deep breath again and pulled him back in to kiss her.
"Oh Timothy please…please I'm so sorry I told ya ta go. Please….please don't ever leave me again." She begged, reaching under his shirt and running her fingers up and down his chest. They broke their kiss just for a moment while he ripped his shirt off and threw it to the floor.
"Ahhhh!" Jude squealed excited as he climbed on top of her, pushing her back into the bed and beginning to kiss her more aggressively, trailing down from her face to her neck and finally the top of her semi-exposed chest and cleavage.
"Oh Jude, I'm here for you; I'm here to stay."
…..
"Urrg." Jude groaned, waking up early the next morning to the sound of the ringing phone. "What time is it?" She inquired, reaching out for the clock as she surfaced from the covers. 5:54 am it read. "Um ….go away." She mumbled on the third ring.
She was sore and exhausted from the events of the previous night. It had been very physical as well as very emotional evening for the two of them. The speed and intensity of their lovemaking mirrored their inner emotions and fears, and spoke of a marriage of utter desire and desperation to make up for the sins of old: it was fast and almost violent. When they weren't moaning or crying the two were uttering empty, pointless apologies that could never really make up for what had happened between them, but both begged the other for it to mean the world.
"Hello…"She answered on the fourth ring. "David it's five o'clock in the morning." She reminded her boss. "And it's Saturday."
"We were up all night." He said.
"Ummm so was I."
"Something wrong?"
"Olivia um…she's sick, just a temperature." She lied.
"Oh poor kid, tell her I hope she feels better. I just wanted to let you know we've decided on sending the subpoena after all."
"To who?" Why was he calling her at five in the morning to give her this information? She was on leave. Besides that, she had a headache and wanted to go back to sleep.
"Well we need to get started early. I'm sorry to bother you Jude but…we need to find Timothy Howard and we need to find him now. Do you know where to look?" Jude's eyes widened as she looked down at the sleeping man to her right.
"T-T-Ti…"
"Timothy Howard. That's right. You know him right?"
"Y-yes I-I know him." She replied nervously, her eyes remained focused on Timothy, she watched carefully as he smiled and sighed in his sleep.
"W-when do you think you can find him by?"
"I um…I don't know we haven't…we haven't spoken in years…I'll…I'll let you know what I can do."
"What was that?" Timothy mumbled when she hung up the phone, having no clue her conversation had been about him.
"Oh it's nothing sweetheart." She reassured. "Go back to sleep."
"Um…goodnight Jude." He kissed her cheeks sweetly and took her in his arms, almost seeming to roll over on her as he fell back to sleep.
Jude lay there, her eyes wide open. She'd forgotten this was how he sometimes liked to sleep, almost on top of her, as if to overwhelm her. She tried to sleep; but her emotions were too much for her. She was confused and didn't know how she'd get out of this. And then she remembered the pervading emotion of being with Timothy, it was more than love and lust and pain…there was also an overwhelming feeling of being trapped.