Dinner had been an utter disaster. My stomach was unsettled and my heart was racing from the thoughts taking over my mind. Did I really fancy Lord Trask? What other explanation was there for my jealousy towards his interest in Edith. I could barely stand the sight of the pair of them together. And Edith was overjoyed that Jonathan had taken an interest in her even if it was on pretense for the sake of socializing.
What kind of mourning wife has feelings for another man only months after his death? I was questioning the very essence of my marriage and love for Matthew. Tears prickled my eyes at the realization. I suddenly couldn't breathe and didn't care that it was almost one o'clock at night. I needed air, and I was going to get it. I threw my robe on and made a tight knot with my sash. Hurriedly, I tossed my long dark plaited hair to one side and put on a pair of brown silk slippers. I peaked outside my room. The house was dead silent. Nimbly, I made my way to the staircase. Creeping towards the front door I took care not to alarm Isis who was fast sleep in the library. I swung open the wide entrance doors of Downton Abbey and let out a sigh upon feeling a breeze on my face. My fears scattered in the wind. I walked out onto the concrete and craned my neck upward to view the visible constellations.
"Burning the midnight oil?"A deep voice remarked from behind me.
I didn't lift up my head to look at him as I already knew who the possessor of the voice was.
"Orion's my favorite, actually." Jonathan said, gesturing to the heavens.
"Yes, I can always recognize that one because of the belt. Three stars in a row." I offered up.
Jonathan walked over to me. He gazed into my eyes intently and then inquired, "Have you been crying?"
"No. Of course not…" I responded abruptly, "… But I do wonder if you can see Orion in India?" I inquired, trying to get a reaction out of my newly acquired suitor.
At this Jonathan simply raised his eyebrow thoughtfully, "I believe you can."
"And what about your plans for the future. Do you ever plan on leaving Downtown and making a go of it in London?" Jonathan asked coolly.
Before I could conjure up a response, I felt a pair of lips pressing mine. I realized Lord Trask was kissing me in the very same spot Matthew had proposed two years ago in the midst of a snowstorm. This moment was captivating me almost as much as that one had, and I felt a pang of guilt because of it.
"I'm so very sorry. I don't know what compelled me to do that. This will certainly be the last you'll see of me, I promise. I'll leave tomorrow." Lord Trask said apologetically, shifting his bright green eyes away from mine.
"No, please. I could use the company." I pleaded, not wanting to be left alone with my thoughts.
"You're not upset that I kissed you." He pried fretfully, his eyes peering into mine fixedly.
I tried to stay composed but I was certain my countenance had betrayed me. I began to stir in the crisp Yorkshire air.
"Not upset. Just surprised since I noticed you seemed taken with my sister." I responded insightfully.
"She's amiable, but I find her wanting in many ways." Jonathan said earnestly, smiling at me for a brief moment.
"Careful, Edith's my sister and I won't have you putting her down." I said in jest, secretly relieved that no sentiment existed between the two of them.
"So you're not upset then." He said persistently.
"I'm a married woman." I finally managed to sputter out, my eyes ranging the sky without focus.
"You're a widow Mary." Jonathan said, looking askance briefly, then shifting his gaze upwards.
"I wish we'd met a few years down the road when you were more open to possibilities." Jonathan finally said, with a seemingly tempered resolve.
I shivered at this notion. I wanted one thing; but without tainting the other. I realized that was not practical. In order to oblige him, I would have to forsake Matthew first. I thought about my wedding vows. Til death do us part.
"But why did it have to end there?" I pondered to myself.
"I think it's best I leave first thing in the morning. Please make my excuses to your family." Jonathan stressed, as he shot me a parting glance.
"I will. Have a safe journey Jonathan and let us know how you are over the wire." I said in a weak voice, as my eyes swept over him one last time.
At this Lord Trask simply bowed and retreated into estate. I wrapped my arms around my body and clung to myself miserably.