I have just recently set up an instagram account for this story! I have gotten so much inspiration from many different photos, and I love the narnian/medieval feel in general, so please follow if you would like!
i_trusted_you_fanfic. However you also may be able to find the account using #itrustedyou since it has been being quirky about the name appearing in the searches :/
Of Hopelessness and Subtle Joy
I would say that my mind was whirling and I could not put two clear thoughts together, but it was not and I could. I would say that my whole body was shaking and that I never wanted the moment to end, but I was as still as an oak tree and I wanted nothing more than to go back to the other side of the country where I had come back from and smack myself twice for even considering on returning here. I had anxiously anticipated and dreaded this moment for so long, even more than I did with seeing Lorelle again, which did not feel right to me for it was she whom I felt I had probably hurt the most.
My breathing was heavy and felt labored and forced as Edmund pulled away and stood up quickly, touching a gentle finger to my lips softly before cupping my face in rough, shaky palms, swallowing hard several times before he tried to speak, but still no words left the parted lips. I could barely bring myself to look him in the eyes, and yet I did, searching the dampening tears for the hope of forgiveness, and maybe even, Aslan willing, a genuine love of friendship.
All I saw was a blur of crippling pain and heartbreak. Edmund still held my face so gently, brushing my cheeks with the tips of his fingers and staring deeply into my own eyes so fixedly in disbelief.
"W-what happened to you?"
In the back of my head, something snapped.
Jerking myself away from his grasp, I stumbled back several rather long strides and back against the pressure of the closest wall, feeling my legs begging me to sit.
"Ren?" Edmund looked as though he was going to grab me again, and I shoved my arms out and felt my head feel like it was burning in anger.
"No!" I yelled at him furiously, which made the king stop mid-step and stare with a new sort of disbelief. "No, Edmund. No. I was going to come back, but I've changed my mind now. You haven't changed a bit, in fact you're worse than when I left. I left because of you, you do realize! You have a wife now, and probably children, and you will not destroy their lives any more than you already have! Why have you been looking for me? I said not to! And everyone else gave up long ago! Now, I am going to leave in the morning, and yes you will be giving up one of you beds, and I won't be back for a very long time. Don't you ever look for me again. Don't you ever! Edmund, are you listening to me? Edmu-"
I would have gasped, had I been able, for he had stood there staring so intently, barely moving a muscle, and then had grasped both my wrists and I was flattened against the cold wall as his lips attacked mine with a fury one would imagine could only exist in battle. Nothing in me was screaming for me to do something, to push away, to free myself from the arms that now snaked around my neck and lower back, imprisoning me in a grip that could not so easily escaped. My poor knees finally gave-way, but he just held me tighter and kissed me harder, shoving his tongue against my own.
When we broke apart, the silence was long, the breathing was heavy, and the eyes teary. Slowly, a faint smile crept across his face, and he released his tight grasp around my frame only slightly. My limbs still refused to cooperate.
"Don't ever ask me why I looked so long for you," he whispered, his breath softly blowing the loose strands of hair about my face. "We do whatever it takes to stay alive, do we not? My life depended on finding you."
The two centaurs on-duty guarding the first gate to the Cair had to take a second glance, but when they did those big, brown eyes bulged out so far I wanted to tell them to shut them immediately, before they popped out altogether. However, as we moved through the several other courtyards towards the main entry, the recognition was undetectable upon the faces of those we passed, and was replaced with puzzlement and criticism at the strange girl who rode beside their king. The workers, stablehands, farmers, idle servants, a few giggling children, soldiers off-duty, all paused to bow with respect as we made our way through, and then lifted their eyes with raised brows to gaze at me once more before they went about their duties once again. I had changed so much.
I thought about how, before, I would have leapt off my mount and rushed to embrace them all, even those I may not have known so well. One of my most common pastimes before I had left was to walk the narrow passes of the courtyards and poke my head in and out of all the curious little buildings with strange smells and even stranger tools, questioning the creatures, which worked within, to their wits end about everything I probably would never need to know. Edmund had often found me there, and then we would walk together, and everything was so much better than it was now. But I no longer cared. The remains of yesterday's storm sent a chilly wind and the fall of a light, cool misting of raindrops, and I did not even bother to blink them out of my eyelashes. My expression could not have been less emotionless if I had been a dead corpse.
Every so often, I saw Edmund glance back at me for a brief, fleeting moment. Despite the harsh words I had spoken, our tender moment together had only left us yearning for more. I could see it in his eyes, as they say in the stories. I had just never known what it meant until now. Still, I refused to make eye contact with him and would not say a word.
As we reached the massive doors with led directly to the Hall, Edmund dismounted quickly and moved to help me off my horse, but I stumbled off myself, only accepting the hand of the tall soldier who stepped up to help me regain my balance. A flush of hurt washed over Edmund's tired face, and I almost felt sorry.
Of course, a message had been sent directly the night before, and my return was expected amongst only those closest to the royals, and a few servants. My face was still void of emotion and my feet felt so terribly weighted down as I climbed the steps and entered through the large, creaky doors.
At the base of the large, marble staircase I had run up so many times, with delicate hands clasped tightly against her bosom and her silver headpiece slightly askew, worry lines creasing her forehead and eyes widening more and more with every step I took, was Lorelle. Beside her, I noted Peter, Susan, and Lucy, all looking very similar to the golden-haired woman in front of them, but they remained but a blur as I searched my sister's face for any sign of what she was fixing to do to me.
So many tears, so many arms... And oh my goodness, Susan's perfume was absolutely smothering.
Had I the mere words, I would describe the rest of that day for many days to come. The warmth and love which I had so keenly missed so many hours so many times, was replenished tenfold over and over. Lorelle did not leave my side, and Lucy and my hands found that it might be more convenient if they were just sown together. I cannot count, and nor do I much wish to, the number of times Susan smothered my forehead with kisses, along with dear Mr. Tumnus, who had formed a sudden attachment with buttery scones, for he very much liked to eat when he was happy.
Lorelle and Edmund did not have a child. That much was obvious, and I did not think it proper to ask until later, when I could be alone with my sister at long last.
Edmund, after the initial greeting had worn down, had disappeared out to the sparring ring, where he spent the remainder of the day, or so I overheard, not even stopping for lunch or tea. Evidence of his time was clear as I saw him walking back to his room much later that night, close to the morning hour. I had never gotten a chance to speak with Lorelle, and I was sulking about it and hoped to catch her before her husband decided to retire, but evidently, I was too late.
Instead, I stopped and leaned against the coldness of one of the suits of armor on display in the long corridors, and watched from afar as the sweaty, bulky form of the man I loved strode down the long hall, and then halt in shock at the sight of my thinly clad body, freshly washed and scowling face.
"Ren?"
"I wanted to speak to Lorelle," I said to his questioning look, "but I shall have to wait until tomorrow now."
Edmund looked down at his dusty sparring boots and shook his head. "You may speak to her," he said quietly. "I should clean up better, anyway." He wiped his forehead with a grubby sleeve and studied my face. "I should like to speak to you sometime as well-"
"No, Edmund," I cut him off sharply and moved to continue on to their chambers. But at my cold tone his features hardened, and in one swift movement he had grabbed my arms and had pressed me up against the wall, so near a burning torch I could feel the heat on my cheek.
Unable to wriggle my way free, and feeling a burning more intense from his dark, glowering eyes than from the near-hanging torch, I had the smallest sensation of fear. He must have somehow sensed this, for his face suddenly softened and his grip felt less like iron, and we stared at each other in a breathless silence.
"I promise that I will never kiss you again," he murmured, "unless you ask first."
He buried his face into my neck and squeezed me so tight breathing was questionable. When he released me a few seconds later, I could see a powerful lust in the deepest depths of his eyes, but he left before I could speak one word.
And I slowly made my way back to my chambers, for, Aslan forbid, I needed a good night's sleep before I could look at my sister and not cry.
So these next few chapters I am going to be introducing some new characters and I'm having trouble coming up with original and narnian-sounding names. Have any suggestions? I'll almost certainly use them for one character or another! :)