Today feels different. I feel absent from reality. Me, the world, and all the humans in it, seem to be separate entities.
I'm disconnected.
For the first time I actually feel like I'm hallucinating, even though I got some sleep.
Out on the balcony, I stare at the people below wondering if they do exist. My movements are sluggish.
I'm so out of touch.
The medicine I've taken is keeping me awake, though I'm not sure why he would give me stimulants when I don't ever want to sleep again. I'll admit they work much better than caffeine. The pain pills are keeping me from becoming jittery, though, I'm wondering if this combination is causing me to be hazy...
No, I know what it is.
Shizuo.
Every time I think about that dream, I get a flood of physical ailments. I realize already that I'm messed up in the head, but moving past that, my stomach grows nauseous, my heart races, sometimes I get an erection, my chest feels tight, and I get that feeling of falling.
What do they call that?
"Izaya?"
I turn towards Shinra, "Yes?"
"You okay? You've been out here since you woke up." He crosses his arms as he leans on the railing.
"What is it called when you get that weird feeling when you go down an elevator?"
Shinra's expression shows how random my question must sound. "Hmph," he smirks, "Butterflies."
"Oh," I frown as I rest my head on the railing.
I've never had 'butterflies' before, aside from the before mentioned situation.
I sigh, none of this makes any sense.
"I guess it's a good thing you're meeting with Hideki-senpai today. You look troubled."
The door sliding open startles me, I wasn't planning on seeing that damn monster today.
Shizuo yawns from behind me. "Wow, why is everyone out here?"
He lights a cigarette, sighing his exhale.
"Hmm, seems Izaya actually got some sleep last night."
Damn it, Shinra!
Glaring at the doctor, I turn to go back inside.
"That's goo- Whoa!" Shizuo is cut off as I crash into him. To my absolute horror, we topple and I fall on top of him. As if this day could get any worse.
"Uwah!" Sor-!" I start but instead I find myself frozen.
I lied, it just got so much worse.
Not only are my legs straddling his, not only are my hands on either side of his head, but my face is right in front of his, and he's shirtless.
Yeah. This day can go fuck itself.
"You should wear clothes in public," I mumble as he stares at me in surprise. I rush to my feet and scurry off to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
My heart is beating erratic, threatening to burst out of my chest like an alien.
No, it would be better if that was the case. Then at least said alien would have the strength and will to fight that damn predator.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I get a hold of myself?
Taking out my phone, I find Saito-san's number and press send.
"Hello?" The voice that comes over the phone is not as comforting as I had hoped.
"It's Orihara Izaya."
"Right, how are you doing?" he asks, I'm not sure if he's busy or uninterested.
"I'm fine," I almost stutter, fighting to keep myself in check.
"You don't sound fine. Were you able to get some sleep?" The way he asks this makes me want to hang up. Do we really have to talk about this right now?
"Yes, I slept."
"That's good. Well, what's with the sudden call?"
I'm not even sure.
With my lack of reply, he tries again. "How was the dream? Did you have a new nightmare?"
You have no idea.
"Yes."
I can hear him sigh, he was confident that this would work as a temporary remedy.
"Ah, well I'll be there in about two hours. We can discuss it then."
My body tenses, like hell I'm going to talk about that shit to him! Or anyone else for that matter.
"I'm not up for an appointment today."
"I'll be comming over there either way since Heiwajima-san's session is also today."
I don't reply.
"Well, I'll check on you when I get there," he sighs.
"Goodbye, Saito-san."
My anxiety hasn't subsided at all. I feel incredibly tired, the pills either wearing off or my stress is withering me away.
"No, no, hell no." I say aloud.
No sleeping.
Reaching for the bottle of pills, I take two more. That makes my max for the day. The highest amount I can take in a day, not meant for one dose.
I just can't go back there either.
Any sleep at all is no good.
I feel terrified in a dream filled with things that shouldn't feel scary at all, and completely relaxed and at ease in a dream that should scare the living hell out of me.
The scary part, of course, being my calm demeanor, completely accepting and participating in the situation.
Still, I can feel a change within me. Months ago I would have laughed it off or even teased Shizu-chan about it. I would have confessed to having dirty dreams about him just to see his reaction.
So why am I over thinking this?
And why on earth did it feel so real?
I can still feel his touch on my skin, and when I bumped into him earlier I had to leave before impulse took over.
As the time passes, my mind is over working, picking apart every thought that enters my brain. My teeth are chattering together, my hands are shaking, and the amount of energy I have is amazing-
but there is only one thing on my mind-
And it's not possible overdose from these pills.
Knock knock
I wouldn't have answered the door, but it didn't really matter, because the person behind it finds it necessary to walk in without hesitation.
"Orihara-san?" Saito-san looks me over and I can tell he knows what I've done.
"How many did you take?" he questions, not phased a bit by my actions.
"Three today." It's hard to speak with my teeth clacking together the way they are.
"Here, this will help," he says, handing me a piece of gum.
I accept it, immediately popping it into my mouth.
"Izaya, we need to talk about this now while it's fresh in your mind."
My eyes focus on the wall, a tiny spec of black sticking out among a sea of white.
"I don't think I'll ever forget."
Hearing Saito-san's sigh makes me unsettled, but I'm just speaking the truth.
"I was hoping you would have a pleasant dream."
"It was. Wait- No, it wasn't! Well, in the dream it was but now that I'm awake I'm horrified!" My body curls into a ball and I rest my head on my knees.
"Was it about Heiwajima-san?" The low-tone he asks this in tells me he's confident that he's right and sure that I'll deny it.
"Why would you ask that?" I ask, neither confirming or denying his concern.
"I've already spoken with Shinra-kun. He told me about your little run in with Heiwajima-san. By your actions then and now, I'm going to assume the dream was sexual in nature."
I try to sink myself as far into the bed as I can. I don't want to be on this planet anymore. The world truly is completely foreign. I've become readable, predictable.
"You need to tell me everything."
x.X.x.X.x
After moments of suicidal thoughts, I tell him the main parts of the dream leaving out as many details as possible. He finally speaks,"I see." A smile curls on his lips, one that begs me to throw myself out of the nearest window.
"Do you know what lucid dreaming is?" he asks, piquing my interest as he so often does, successfully throwing off my suicidal intention.
"No," I answer, but the term does ring a bell.
"I'm going to tell you something that is going to put your anxiety on high, okay? Please understand that I'm only doing this because it is benefiting your treatment."
Suddenly, I'm not so sure I want to hear what he has to say. However, he has my full attention.
"O-okay."
"Lucid dreaming is a state where your mind is connected while you're dreaming. In this type of dream you're completely coherent. It's like being conscious inside a dream, everything in the dream will feel as if it's happening in real time."
Well, that explains the realis-
What?
You're telling me I did that of my own free will?
"The rest will have to wait."
I sigh, I can tell he's leaving out something really important.
The thing about these dreams that doesn't make sense, is that while they were happening, I had no objections what so ever against what I was doing. It didn't occur to me that it was wrong at all. My hate for Shizuo or even the fact that he's male, no- the fact that he's a monster, none of these concerns were even a thought in my mind.
I was completely accepting of Shizuo.
No.
I wanted him.