Rock And A Hard Place
Nancy placed the newly polished glass back on the shelf behind her,turning back to Carol she creased her brow in concern. Carol had sat with her peppermint tea slowly going cold in front of her for the past hour, she hadn't uttered a word other than a brief greeting when she first arrived. Nancy knew that she wanted to be left alone, but now she was concerned.
"Is everything alright Carol?" She watched as Carol slowly raised her head and focused on Nancy.
"Yeah Nancy, just got a lot on my mind. Are you alright?" Carol smiled at Nancy, it didn't quite reach her eyes though.
"Yes thank you, busy with my ethnography. I've nearly completed my research so…" Carol sat up straight.
"You're not leaving us are you?"
"It's been two years Carol, that's the typical period of time that an Anthropologist spends doing fieldwork."
"Who says?" Nancy was slightly taken aback at how upset Carol was, they'd become good friends, still it was heartening that she'd made such a connection.
"Anthropologists still consider that doing fieldwork in the traditional Malinowskian sense is an essential and distinguishing aspect of anthropological research. I've been able to undertake detailed, lengthy and complex observations of social life on board the Enterprise in fine detail. I've participated in the fabric of daily life here, as well as more formal ceremonies and rituals. I've discussed my developing ideas with willing members of the community, through my informants I've built up a progressively deeper understanding of what it is like here."
"That's what we are to you, informants?" Carol pushed the cup of tea away from her. Nancy realised what she had just said, it had come across as very clinical. She waved her hands in front of her.
"No no Carol, that's not what you are to me! You've become more than that, we're friends Carol. I hope we always will be."
"You know why you've never felt like you can be yourself? Or why people get the wrong idea of who you are? Because you've never lived in the real world! You study, you jot down your notes. You think you're "participating in the fabric of daily life" but you're not! You pretend!" Carol was fuming, she wanted to shake Nancy where she stood. She also knew she was being incredibly tough, but she couldn't help herself.
"That's not true…" Carol stood up from the stool she had been sat on.
"It's not!? Think about it, you know everything about me Nancy, about all of us! All of your "Informants". We know nothing about you, where did you grow up? Do you have a family? Why do you get so on edge whenever anybody gets too close or personal with you? Friends discuss these things Nancy, you observing us is not living. And if you're not alive…" Nancy couldn't help the tears fall, she wiped her cheeks haphazardly.
"I didn't know this was how you felt?" Carol knew she'd gone too far but she couldn't stop herself from continuing.
"We've all tried to be your friend but you never let anyone in. McCoy's the only one who's managed to make a dent, but even he can't get through the walls you've built up!" Carol knew she was crossing the line, she also knew that if she was being truthful with herself she was taking her own anger and upset out on Nancy. Still, she continued on. "Life is messy and complicated! You fall in love with someone, they hurt you. Things happen, you make decisions rightly or wrongly. What happened that made you decide not to participate?"
"NOTHING!" She didn't mean to shout.
"Don't believe you!"
"It doesn't matter Carol!" Nancy picked up a cloth and began furiously wiping down the bar, as if she could wipe away the memories that were flooding back.
"Of course it matters, it all matters! Everything we do has a consequence and we have to live with those consequences." It was Carol's turn to start welling up. Nancy took in her grief stricken face, she knew something was wrong when she first came in. They somehow had ended up arguing but now she could see that Carol was struggling with her own demons.
"Carol, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry Nancy, I have to go." With that she ran from the room.
"Nance?" A few weeks later McCoy stood in Nancy's doorway, peering cautiously into the dimly lit room. He wouldn't have known she was there had he not heard an exasperated "Come in already" a moment before. He'd had to press the door chime half a dozen times,after the third he had fleetingly considered giving up and walking away. It was possible, in fact, that Nancy didn't want to be disturbed. But if you can't barge in uninvited on a troubled friend, who can you barge in on? McCoy entered, and the door slid shut behind him.
"Where the hell are you?" A lounge chair sat a few feet away, its back toward him as he squinted into the gloom. The room's ambient lighting was so low a group of fireflies would have made it look sunny by comparison. As McCoy's eyes adjusted, he saw a hand rise slowly above the chair's high back, give a feeble wave, then sink from sight. He rounded the chair and found Nancy slouched deeply into the cushions, her bare feet pressed against a pouf, a glass of iced amber drink cradled on her chest. She wasn't wearing her red lipstick, she looked pale and out of sorts.
"So, it's come to this: 'How shall I compare thee to a summer's day?'" McCoy drawled.
"Let me count the ways." Nancy said, finishing the paraphrase. "Have I been that terrible?"
"As a matter of fact, you have. So what's wrong?"
"You do get right to the point." Nancy said, then proceeded to ignore McCoy's direct inquiry. "Just when I think I've seen it all, there's something waiting just around the bend."
"Are you sure you haven't gone around the bend yourself?" Nancy held her glass up, giving it a measuring glance.
"This is my first. I swear." She sat up a little straighter.
"What's your problem?" McCoy spaced his words evenly for emphasis and to indicate that his patience was not infinite.
"Problem?" Nancy repeated with an innocent batting of her blue eyes.
"Yes…problem."
"No problem."
"The hell there isn't. How do you explain what happened between you and Carol?"
"I didn't know you knew about that?" Nancy said mildly to McCoy.
"Well I do."
"So that gives you the right to bust in here and pry into my personal business?"
"You're the one who opened the door."
"Yeah, well, I'm starting to regret that." Nancy said tartly as she got to her feet and padded over to the small cabinet she used as her bar. "You want a drink?"
"No." McCoy said, following her across the room. "I want an explanation."
"I'm fine Leonard, I'm a crank, I've been a crank ever since you've known me. What's more, I was a crank long before that. Now go away and let me stew in peace." McCoy reached over and grabbed the bottle of amber liquid before Nancy could. Then he poured generous drinks for the both of them and ushered Nancy back to her chair. McCoy pulled up a second chair and set it face-to-face.
"Talk to me Nance. I'm not leaving until you do."
"Bull. You've got a sickbay to run."
"Bull. I left Chapel in charge, and you know what a sterling job she does. She could be in charge for days without me having to be there, so I've got nothing pressing pulling me away."
"Do you really want to know?" At McCoy's nod she added. "Don't say I didn't warn you."
"Can I get an apple juice? And a slap for being an awful friend."Carol gave her best naughty puppy look to Nancy.
"I'm not going to slap you Carol."
"Well please accept my apology." Nancy set down the juice in front of Carol.
"Really Carol, you don't owe me an apology. I needed it, I need the truth to wake me up."
"No, you didn't. I don't really think the things I said are true! I was upset and angry and I took it out on you." Nancy gave Carol a compassionate smile.
"Don't think about it again, now, how are you? Are you still upset and angry?" Carol took a big breath and exhaled slowly.
"Not angry, still a little upset but much better than I was."
"Good. You know where I am if you need to talk?"
"Thanks Nancy, I know. I've just got some decisions to make. How do you decide on what to do? How do you weigh up the pros and cons?" Nancy walked round the bar and sat on the stool next to Carol.
"You're asking me?"
"I'm asking you."
"You have to go with your gut I suppose. You can approach it logically, take others into consideration but ultimately it's your decision and you know deep down what the right one is for you. It might not seem right to others, but that doesn't matter." Carol put her hands over her face, dragging her fingers over her eyes, nose and mouth. Finally she looked up at Nancy.
"I'm pregnant." Nancy stared at her, not quite sure what her reaction ought to be. Finally she settled on honesty.
"Does Jim know?" Carol shook her head. "You're leaving?" Carol nodded. "Do you want me to do anything?" Carol laughedexhaustedly, Nancy could tell she'd been wracked with anxiety for some time, she could see her shoulders slump. Just by uttering the words to somebody else had taken a weight off of her shoudlers.
"I don't think so."
"You know where I am." Nancy placed her arm around Carol's shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze. "Congratulations Carol." That seemed to take her aback, but then Carol began to smile widely.
"Thank you for not judging me."
"I'm in no position to judge! Believe me, besides there's nothing to critique."
"What about me not telling Jim."
"I'm sure you have your reasons, all valid. Like I said before, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks." The women gave each other a hug, after Carol had left Nancy sat on her stool for a while. She felt compassion for Jim, but she also knew the position Carol was in and the life changing decisions she had to make. She was sure that Leonard must know of the pregnancy, given he was CMO. She didn't doubt that he would ever break Doctor, patient confidentiality but on a personal level? Leonard and Jim were best friends, Nancy couldn't imagine keeping something like that from a best friend. She couldn't break Carol's confidence either, she resided herself to the fact that they were all burdened with the same secret, none of them able to speak to the other.
She also came to the realisation that for the first time in her life she wasn't approaching every interaction with the people she knew from the point of research and study. She genuinely cared for them, was interested in their plights and successes. She wanted to be a part of their lives and her theirs. When McCoy had come to see her she had told him everything, her past. He sat and listened, didn't judge, didn't try to give advice. Just listened. After, when she had been alone for a while she had burst out crying. At the time she didn't understand why, now she knew. Living in the world, it didn't scare her as she thought it would have, she was happy. For the first time she was happy.
Hope you're still enjoying this, let me know what you think? LLAP ;-) XOXO