"Died in the world, you've been cornered by a natural desire

You want to hop along with the giddy throng through life

But how will you learn to steer when you're grinding all your gears?

You've been talking for hours

You say time will wash every tower to the sea

And now you've got this worry in your heart

Well I guess it's only life, it's only natural

We all spend a little while going down the rabbit hole"

-It's Only Life, The shins

Disclaimer: The characters and Twilight definitely are not my creations. Silly you...

EPOV

This is the moment that I hoped wouldn't happen. The moment where I almost lose control of myself and try to kiss my good friend Bella. I am such an idiot.

One second I am teasing and flirting with her, which is inappropriate in itself but inevitable with the two of us it seems, and the next second I am on the ground hovering over her and about to freaking kiss the girl.

I could feel the sexual tension rolling off of the two of us in waves as we stared into each other's eyes and I couldn't help it, I brought my hand down to touch her delicate blushing cheek. Her eyes in that moment will be burned into my memory forever, I can gaurentee that much. They were so intense, no, they were on fire. I felt so much inside at that moment and like the idiot I am I wanted to express my desire for her so badly that I was about to kiss her before that damn cell beeped in her jacket pocket.

I had jumped up so fast in my panic at how far I had taken this. What if I had kissed her? She probably would have freaked out on me and slapped me. No, I was pretty positive that she felt just as much as I had in that moment. The look in her eyes told me that she at least found me desireable enough that she would have kissed me back. She was tipsy though so that doesn't really mean anything.

I am so damn selfish. Here I am thinking about if Bella would have kissed me back or not had I gone through with it and what I really should be thinking about is Jasper and how wrong that would have been. I am such an asshole. I've never tried to get with a girl that was in a relationship before, but I just can't deny how badly I want Bella right now. She's just so seemingly perfect.

I stopped my incessant thinking and turned to see Bella was still sitting on the ground just staring at her cell phone with a blank expression. I was one hundred percent certain that the text had been from Jasper and seeing her reaction right now confirmed this. She looked kind of horrified at what had almost happened and I decided immediately that I needed to blow this over and try to change the mood as fast as possible. Maybe if I act like what had been about to happen hadn't really been the way it seemed she could convince herself that it really had been innocent.

I turned shakily to her and started walking back to her. I had a feeling she was waiting to take cues from me on how she should act right now so I was going to act as calm and blase as I could possibly be.

I reached my hand out to help her up from the ground and she stared at it for a second, her eyes looking conflicted and very confused. Eventually though, she took my offer and allowed me to assist her off the ground. She met my gaze hesitantly and I gave her a half smile, not able to quite muster a full one. She matched it but averted eye contact right after as we started silently walking back in the direction we had come from.

To say this moment was akward would be putting it mildly. How can I fix this? I've already gone and ruined the best relationship/friendship I've had in years in a matter of three days.

BPOV

I sat frozen in my spot on the ground where Edward had left me, trying to figure out what to do. If I wasn't crazy then Edward had been this close to kissing me. I felt so guilty immediately when I saw Jasper's text that I didn't even have time to figure out how Edward was feeling at the moment.

He had obviously let his buzz get to his head if he had been wanting to kiss me, because why else would he want to kiss me? I know he doesn't feel toward me any of this stupid crush that I feel. But maybe I'm wrong, because we had shared something in that moment before getting interrupted.

I am trying to figure out what to write back to Jasper and what to do with these stupid feelings when I realize Edward is standing directly in front of me and reaching his hand out to help me up.

I stare at him for a second before allowing him to help me up and he gives me a weak smile which I return before akwardly turning my head. I feel really weird right now because I am not quite sure what had just happened and I am quite possibly having the world's worst overreaction yet again. I'll just see how he acts and play along, I decide.

"So, uh, who was that from? Alice wondering where we are?" Edward asks me.

So he is just going to jump right back to acting normally? Cool, so maybe I was wrong and nothing had been actually about to happen. That is good, right? Then why did my stomach drop at that thought?

"Actually, it was Jasper," I manage.

I look at him at that moment. His hands are both occupied, one in his hair raking nervously or maybe just casually?, the other stuffed in his pocket. He is looking at the ground, not at me so I take a second to study him for his reaction. He looks like he is trying to hide what he's thinking though so I figure he feels me watching. He looks at me and I can't help but flush a fiery red from head to toe. No, I feel quite certain I didn't imagine the 'almost kiss'. The way he is looking at me in despair gave me my answer. I will have to examine further how I feel about this later. Right now I need to repair this fracture that has just cracked our friendship. I need to tell him that while it was wrong what had just happened, I didn't want it to ruin what we had, the closeness we shared as friends. Before I had the opportunity though he speaks to me in his velvety voice, pouring ice down my back.

"Bella, listen. I'm sorry I took things a little too far with the tickling and shit. I just got carried away with the buzz and all. I know it wasn't appropriate and I would feel horrible if Jasper knew what happened but it didn't mean anything okay? I was just caught in a silly little moment. I don't want things to be weird or anything," he spilled, all in one breath.

My heart started hammering and my stomach fell to the ground. 'It didn't mean anything'. Okay, well that's good, it really is. I can't have it mean anything anyways. I can't deny that I am hurt though. I shake my head and shove all those thoughts deep down for further disection later tonight when I am alone.

"Um, yeah, I know it didn't mean anything. It was just the buzz, I know. No worries."

I decide to show him I'm not worrying about it at all by shoving past him and running full force towards the swings. It would be weird if we just left and went home after that so I decide to pretend everything is still awesome and that I want to still be here when I want nothing more than to go home and hyperventilate.

When I land on the swing I land too hard and find myself falling hard onto the ground. My butt lands with a plop on the dirt and it stings and I allow myself to feel the pain and let it represent my emotions right now and wallow in it for the brief time I have before Edward is in front of me looking concerned. I feel a prick behind my eyes, the feeling of wanting to let a tear escape. It really does hurt! I'm sure I'll have a nasty bruise on my ass for a while, not that anyone but me will see it. I look up at him and seeing how concerned he looks makes me laugh immediately.

He looks shocked at first then just laughs with me as he shakes his head softly back and forth as if he just can't quite believe me. And just like that the akwardness and heaviness is gone between us.

He helps me up yet again and then we both start swinging.

I am laughing with all of my heart and we are just looking at each other as we swing, higher and higher with each pump of our legs. It's almost like we are having another moment but I know now for sure it is one sided. I allow myself to pretend it isn't for a moment and feel guilty because of it.

While I no longer feel wrong hanging out with Edward alone because I know he'd never try to make a move on me again because he doesn't feel that way towards me, I still feel guilty because I know how I feel and I know Jasper would die if he knew what I was thinking when I look at Edward. Maybe I should end things with Jasper because I don't see these feelings going away. I decide again to mull it over at home, when I am alone with my thoughts.

We have a competition of who can swing the highest and I clearly win, because I am smaller and a swinging advocate of course. He jumps off and taunts me to do the same but I have an intense fear of falling and there is no way in hell that is going to happen.

"C'mon Bella just jump. If it seems like your'e going to fall I'll catch you.

I shake my head sharply and try to slow my swing by dragging my feet into the dirt. I finally come to a stop and he stands waiting for me to join him. I yawn heavily as I walk towards him and he puts his arm around me in a friendly manner. I decide to allow him to do so because it feels nice and I know it means nothing to him anyways.

"I think it's time we get sleepy Bella home to bed," Edward said, grinning at me obviously amused at how sleep I suddenly looked.

"You're like a child Bella, you run around playing and then crash immediately after."

I shot him a dirty look, not having the energy to manage anything in retort.

The car ride back was short, for me at least. I fell asleep as soon as we got in the car and only woke up because he shook me gently upon our arrival.

"Should I leave you in the car to sleep Bella?" he teased me.

I again shot him a look before stumbling my way to the door and blindly moving up the stairs with him right behind me. I fell, inevitably, causing him to fall on top of me practically but he just straightened me and let me go immediately after. I made it to my door and turned to say goodnight to him. I looked up and hadn't realized how close he was standing and immediately felt butterflies swarm at his proximity to me.

He stood there for a second then grabbed my hand and squeezed it then dropped it almost as quickly as he had taken it. He seemed unsure of himself as he whispered goodnight and then mumbled something else under his breath which I didn't catch. "I had fun tonight Bella, hope you did too," he whispered. I felt his breath on my face and got a bit winded trying to remember to breath. He didn't wait for a response from me and turned away and made his way in a fast manner to his room, shutting the door behind him.

Hmm, that was strange, I thought. I went into my room, sinking onto the bed without bothering to change. I fell asleep fairly quickly considering I was mentally freaking out about everything inside.

When I woke up the next morning I lay in bed for a couple hours mulling it all over in my head. After a lot of consideration I decided to give it two more weeks to see if I could get over Edward and if by that point I still had these intense feelings for him, I'd have to break up with Jasper because it really wasn't fair to him. I really hoped I could do this, get over Edward I mean. I didn't want to throw away everything that I have with Jasper just because I have stupid unrequited feelings towards Edward. It was stupid and I really needed to have that drilled into my head somehow. I would find a way to get over him. Maybe I should start by easing out of hanging out alone with him, though the thought made it hard to breathe. Maybe I can get a tattoo on my forehead that says 'stop being stupid Bella' so that everytime I see my reflection I know to stop being such a stupid idiot and get over this thing.

Whatever it took, I knew one thing. It needed to happen.

This was going to be a long two weeks, but I felt almost relieved that by the end of that time period I could stop feeling so guilty of my feelings for Edward or I could be over him and happy again with Jazz.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Sorry for the long delay yet again. Can't make any promises but hopefully the next chapter will be out soon. Good exciting things are coming soon. Please, pretty please leave me a review. I put a lot of effort into this and want your feedback :)