I decided that since I'll be going away for two weeks, I will be kind and update this for you. Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers or "Savior"
"So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you, boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you, girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions you still have"
- "Savior" by: Rise Against
After half an hour or maybe an hour, Optimus slowly opened his optics to the sandy desert where he had unleashed his fury at himself and the darkening sky. For a minute, Optimus thought he had just woke up from stasis locked caused by that lightning bolt, but then he heard a sound he thought he would never hear in his lifetime.
"Orion, please! Listen to me. You're not a Decepticon. Megatron has been lying to you!"
"Ratchet?" Optimus said softly to himself and looked up only to see a living, electromagnetic pulse beating Ratchet not too far away from him. Optimus was overjoyed to see his dead friend; his happiness overcompensated the shock that he was now offlined. But then he remembered that line Ratchet had one said, and then saw himself standing across from Ratchet, poised and ready to attack.
"You lie!" doppelganger Optimus said with spewing hatred. "You kept me captive while you destroyed Cybertron. I vowed to Lord Megatron stop you and the Autobots at whatever cost, and now that you're here, that's exactly what I will do now."
Optimus remembered this scene. It was the day he killed Ratchet, but why was he literally reliving this moment? Perhaps, he truly is offline, and this is what the Pit is like – to relive your worst memories. "Hello?" Optimus said to the two mechs before him, hoping to get their attention, but Ratchet and doppelganger Optimus didn't see or hear him. "Hello!" Optimus said louder but to no avail. It appears that I am like a ghost – or whatever the humans call them – here. I can see and hear them, but they cannot see and hear me, Optimus deduced. Could he touch them? Will they feel it? Optimus would rather not find out as Orion Pax (as Optimus now calls his doppelganger in this memory) began to attack Ratchet.
Optimus watched helplessly as Ratchet refused to fight back only dodge Orion's attempts of offlining him with his sword. The only comfort Optimus has is that Ratchet was a better fighter when Optimus was Orion Pax. He watched as Orion Pax grew weary of attempting to stab Ratchet. Ratchet was obviously quick enough to dodge despite being twice his age. Orion Pax resorted to his other weapon and transformed his left servo into an ion-cannon and began blasting at Ratchet. Ratchet quickly maneuvered out of the way and dodged the blasts. "Please, Orion, please try and remember!"
Optimus prayed to Primus that this memory wasn't really a memory but a dream based on a memory so Orion Pax could remember the truth of Ratchet's words and not end up killing Ratchet, but after hearing Orion Pax call Ratchet a traitor and a liar, Optimus was completely convinced that this was Unicron's domain so prayers to Primus wouldn't work and painful memories will not be distorted to have happy endings.
Orion fired at Ratchet, and Optimus watched as his younger self overcame with rage like never before. Orion was like a force that could rival Unicron at his worst. Optimus never knew that he had that capability. Even when Megatron severed ties with him and tried to kill him one way or another, Optimus never felt blinding rage only a deep sorrow and an undying, flickering of hope.
"Orion, I would never do that to you!" Ratchet pleaded as Optimus watched with heavy sorrow as Ratchet was forced to dodge blasts from his own ion cannon just to stay alive. Optimus applauded Ratchet's refusal to fight back but wished he did so Ratchet may live, and he will be spared killing his best friend.
Finally, Optimus couldn't take seeing himself trying to kill his best friend. "Please, Orion, he's telling the truth! I know because you are me!" It was stupid. Optimus knew. Orion and Ratchet can't hear him, but Optimus felt like he had to do something.
Optimus watched in horror as Orion charged at Ratchet full speed and tackled him to the ground, and pinned Ratchet down. Thunder roared overhead. Optimus was about to relive the worst part of his worst nightmare. "I'm gonna end this once and for all," Orion said menacingly and determinedly. Optimus never knew he was capable with such hatred and menace, especially towards his best friend.
"Ratchet, get up!" Optimus uselessly screamed. "Fight back! Do something! I don't care if you kill me in the process. I want you to if it would save you! Trust me, the guilt I feel makes life hardly worth living."
But Ratchet didn't get up or fight back. This was just a repeated memory Optimus was being forced to relive. Ratchet was already dead. And when Optimus saw Orion raise his sword, aimed at Ratchet's spark, Optimus got up and ran without thinking, without questioning the illogicalness of his actions. Instead he threw his body over Ratchet, surprised that he could touch him after all, but he didn't dwell on it. All that mattered was protecting Ratchet from himself. Optimus realized that there may be hope afterall. If he could touch Ratchet, then Orion should be able to touch Optimus. Orion will end up killing Optimus not Ratchet afterall! Suicide never sounded so sweet!
Thunder rolled overhead, and Optimus could hear Ratchet's whisper of "Goodbye, old friend." Could Ratchet feel Optimus's weight on top of him?
"Goodbye, too, Ratchet. I'm so sorry, but this should make it up," Optimus whispered to Ratchet sadly. Optimus closed his eyes, waiting for the sword to rip through his armor.
Instead, all he felt was a servo grip his wrist and jerk him off Ratchet. Optimus opened his eyes and watched as Orion offlined Ratchet. "NOOOOOOOO!" Optimus screamed. He was so slaggin' close to saving Ratchet! He turned around to see who was the one responsible for ruining his attempt to save Ratchet. Optimus was going to give them a slaggin' piece of his mind.
"What the slag?! I was this close to saving Ratchet when you…Ratchet?" Optimus was shocked to see the smiling face of Ratchet looking down upon him. Optimus looked behind him to see if the offlined Ratchet was still there, but all he saw was his old room back on Cybertron where he made Ratchet promise not to betray him. There was so sign of a fight anywhere. Optimus looked back at Ratchet. "H-How?"
"I'm the real Ratchet. That Ratchet along with Orion was just a memory and nothing else," Ratchet explained. Optimus got up and seized Ratchet and pulled him into a fierce hug. Ratchet returned the hug.
"Primus, Ratchet, I'm so, so sorry. If only I had listened to you, this never would have happened," Optimus tearfully apologized.
"Opimus, I forgave you as soon as you drew fire on me. I knew Megatron took advantage of your amnesia and manipulated you," Ratchet said. They broke the hug.
"It wasn't just manipulation. It's never in my nature – whether I am Orion Pax or Optimus Prime – to attack a friend or enemy so ruthlessly like that, especially if they didn't do anything to provoke me. I'd let my emotions get the best of me, and I acted purely on a desire for revenge."
"It doesn't matter. I still forgive you," Ratchet said.
"How can you forgive me so easily? Ratchet, I fraggin' killed you! It was a combination of manipulation and desire for vengeance. Alpha Trion and Megatronus are right: I'm worse than Megatron! I shouldn't even be alive!" Optimus screamed. He looked at both his servos. "Your energon is on my servos, and no matter how much I can redeem myself, it's never coming off, and it doesn't change the fact that you're dead. You should hate me."
"Optimus, if I truly still hate you, I wouldn't have pulled you out of harm's way from Orion Pax's sword. If I hadn't you would have died," Ratchet calmly explained.
"I'm not offline? Then where am I?" Optimus asked.
"You're not dead. You walk that fine line that separates life from death. Had you been killed while walking this line, you would have crossed that line and joined the Well of the AllSparks. I'm already dead, but right now, you need to make a choice. You can't stay here forever. But before you make your choice, you need to hear me out. I can forgive you so easily because you are my friend and you weren't thinking clearly, but the primary reason is that I've been in your place before."
"What do you mean?"
"Every time I fail to save a comrade, every time I cannot completely repair them like Bumblebee, I blame myself. I feel that guilt and the gnawing thought of 'I could have done more to save them'. Their offline faces haunt me in my dreams, and each time I wake up, I feel like a failure."
"But you're not a failure, Ratchet. The lives you save far outweigh the lives you failed to save. Without you, we would all have been dead a long time ago!"
"You're not a medic, Optimus. Medics fight on a whole other battlefield. We fight with the sole purpose of saving lives not killing lives. Any life we fail to save is like an ion blast to the spark. It's a completely different feeling – a more personal one – from fighting decepticons to protect someone or something you care about. Being a medic, to me, is more awarding than being a warrior, but the guilt is a whole lot worse." Ratchet let his words sink through Optimus's processors. "However, there is one face that stands out."
"Who?"
"My sparkmate Redstar."
"I remember Redstar. I've only seen her once or twice when you've introduced me to her," Optimus recalled.
"Well, there's a reason. She was offlined, and it was all my fault in more ways than one. In Kaon, a team of field medics were dispersed to find injured Autobots and repair them. Redstar and I partnered up in hopes that are combined medical knowledge would save more lives. We came under siege by five Decepticon warriors. There was no way out, and our communications were jammed so Redstar and I had no choice but to fight the Decepticons. It was a long battle, but Redstar and I managed to hold our ground. Then one Decepticon was busy fighting Redstar, and I could see that he was overpowering her. I ran to help her. The Decepticon had his back towards me so I planned on killing him without him even realizing what hit him. Well, one of his teammates let out a warning cry, and the Decepticon turned around using Redstar as a shield. It was too late to stop my movements, and I watched her face contorted in agony as I ripped through her spark. I was shocked. I immediately stopped fighting and focused all my energy into saving her. The Decepticons must have left because they never attacked us. I did everything I in my power to save her, but it was too late, and she slipped away. I never stopped blaming myself. And do you know what her last words were?"
"What?"
"'I love you,'" Ratchet answered. "'I love you' Can you believe that? I killed her, Optimus, and she still loves me! How is that even possible? I felt so guilty and unworthy of her love. I could never have understood her line of thinking. It would have been so much easier if she hated me. Then I finally understood her when I was about to be killed by you."
"What did you understand?"
"That in her eyes, it truly wasn't my fault. It was someone else's. The love she has for me outweighs the severity of what I've done, and I shouldn't blame myself. What I should be doing instead is living for her. I was finally able to forgive myself then. I didn't even believe that I deserve that kind of twist in fate. It was nothing but forgiveness and a feeling of self righteousness for allowing you to kill me if it meant that I could spare your life." A moment of peace overcame Ratchet. "Listen. I know how you feel. You feel an immeasurable amount of guilt, and you believe that you deserve my hatred when in reality I don't hate you, and you believe you deserve death when in reality, you don't deserve it. I was in your position once, but I can honestly say it's all wrong. You need to live if not for yourself but for me and for Arcee, Bulkhead, Bumblebee, Jack, Miko, Raf, and for all of the Autobots and humanity. That's my story, and there's my advice to go along with it, but it's your choice whether to die or to live. Regardless of what you choose, I forgive you and will think of nothing bad about you. Just think of the consequences should you choose to die. The results could have you feeling a whole lot worse than the feeling of guilt for my death."
Optimus let Ratchet's story sink in. He had no idea that his medic went through something like that and was suffering from so much guilt. Perhaps being a medic was harder than being a Prime. But Ratchet said he knew how Optimus felt, could Optimus truly understand how Ratchet feels now? Ratchet was finally able to forgive himelf. Can Optimus do that? More importantly, can he go on with his life knowing what he had done to Ratchet? Perhaps, this is something that will never go away until you experience the other side of the weapon. Maybe Optimus would truly be able to forgive himself if one of his teammates was possessed and killed him. Maybe only then will Optimus truly be able to forgive himself and understand Ratchet's position, but seeing as it will not happen, Optimus should choose death.
But what will happen to the Autobots and their human friends if he leaves them behind? Will they be able to go on without him? Could they survive? They had already lost him once, and he was sure that they didn't want to lose him again. But was Optimus really worthy of them, knowing he had killed their teammate?
He thought about each and every one of the Autobots under his command even Jack, Miko, and Raf. Bumblebee looked up to him like a father since Optimus, despite being in Bumblebee's life for only a short amount of time, was the only father figure in the young scout's life. Optimus had come to feel protective over the scout compared to his other teammates. Not only did Bumblebee view him as a father figure but Jack viewed Optimus as one as well. The boy's father abandoned him when he was only a teenager, and Jack looked up to him. Optimus saw his younger self in Jack, and if that boy was his son, he would be very proud. Jack risked his life to restore his memories. Optimus didn't want to let Jack down or see him come to harm.
With Arcee, Optimus had a special bond with. His sparkmate was Elita One, Arcee's sister, and when he lost her, he was devastated and so was Arcee. They bonded over their loved one's death, forming a close and deeply personal friendship. Arcee is Optimus's special friend and maybe even a bit more if only the war weren't in the way. When Cliffjumper died, Optimus wasn't just hurt by his comrade's death but the pain Arcee had to experience all over again. He longed to comfort her but knew no matter what he said, nothing could heal the pain in her spark. He was grateful that Jack could do the comforting for him.
Speaking of Cliffjumper, Optimus was amazed by Cliffjumper's bravery and his humorous take to fighting Decepticons. Cliffjumper was not only fearless but sarcastically witty. He enjoys taking on Decepticons and teasing them at the same time, and while Optimus does not believe in mocking one's own opponent, he does admire Cliffjumper's humorous take in even the grimmest situations. Cliffjumper was brave without a doubt. When Cliffjumper first arrived to Earth, he told Optimus of when he first heard Optimus's transmission to arrive to Earth. Optimus was very grateful that Cliffjumper refused to decode it and was amazed that Cliffjumper felt awed by it. And ever since then, up until Cliffjumper's death, Cliffjumper remained a skilled warrior, fiercely dedicated to the Autobot cause and steadfastly loyal to Optimus, to Arcee, and to his teammates. When Cliffjumper offlined, Optimus mourned Cliffjumper's death, going against Jazz's advice for the first time in eons, and was proud to be the one to eulogize the cattle-horned Autobot.
Miko was similar to Cliffjumper. She may not have six-cylinder ion cannons, but she did have Cliffjumper's fearlessness and a little bit of his sense of humor. Granted, Miko's fearlessness is a result of her naivety of the dangerous situation rather than Cliffjumper's being a fierce need to fight for a cause worth dying for, but no matter how many times Miko caused the Autobots (and Jack) panic attacks, Miko always made things a little bit brighter in Base even going as far to make Optimus laugh (to no avail but Optimus appreciated it). Miko brought team spirit, especially during Optimus's absence. Miko later confessed to Optimus that trying to encourage "a bunch of grumpy Ratchets" was pretty hard because Miko, herself, was afraid Optimus will never come back. Optimus was touched by Miko's confession and deeply appreciated her optimism during the Autobots' darkest hour.
Bulkhead always believed in Optimus. It was the exact reason why Bulkhead left the Wreckers to join Team Prime. None of the Wreckers believed in Optimus, claiming he doesn't know what real war is like and only talks but can't reinforce his words with action. Bulkhead saw different in Optimus and was never disappointed. Bulkhead even stood up for him against Wheeljack, his best buddy. Optimus never admitted, but Bulkhead was the reason that his confidence was still strong. With the war still being dragged on and their goal still incomplete, Optimus was beginning to wonder if the Wreckers were right. Bulkhead showed him that they were wrong.
Raf was the youngest, but he provided tech support for Ratchet. Optimus noticed a change in Ratchet when Raf hung around him. Ratchet grew friendlier and more patient, and Optimus was grateful for that. Optimus knew Raf viewed Ratchet like a father figure and aspired to be like him albeit friendlier. What Optimus never knew that Raf also admired Optimus for being kind-sparked and caring towards his teammates. Raf told him that he hopes to be a leader like him and protect those weaker from bullies. (Raf was always being bullied, giving him empathy for the weak and the defenseless.) Ever since then, Optimus aspired even harder to balance warrior and friend.
Do they still think of me like that? Optimus wondered. They were so adamant of keeping the truth from me, perhaps to spare me the guilt and pain for a little longer. Optimus knew that none of them blamed him. Do they still forgive him? Considering their behavior the night and the day after he got home, the answer is yes. Ratchet forgives him. Arcee forgives him. Jack, Miko, Raf, Bumblebee, Bulkhead forgives him, and if Cliffjumper were still alive, Optimus was sure Cliffjumper would forgive him. Could Optimus learn to forgive himself? Is it possible to do so without experiencing what it's like to be killed by a friend? And even if Optimus couldn't learn, could he dwell in the Well of Allsparks knowing he had abandoned his team, his family, to the darkness looming in the skies? No matter how guilty Optimus may feel, he cannot lose anymore family members whether it is to something or someone else or to his own sword and ion-cannon.
A light began to shine from the cracks of the door in his room. It shined so brightly, brighter than any sun, brighter than Primus's spark. Maybe that light can shine with in him. Maybe Optimus can learn to forgive. Maybe Optimus will always live with this guilt. It was probably impossible to remove it, but perhaps he can live with the knowledge that no matter what, his friends and family will always be there for him even if it's his fault one of them is dead, and just for that, how can Optimus leave them? The guilt will hurt, and it may always hurt, but perhaps there is hope for him. As long as his family stands by him and he will stand by them as well no matter what.
"Ratchet, once again. I am so sorry. Maybe, one day, if that day comes, I can forgive myself, but for now, my family on Earth needs me," Optimus said.
"I know they do. It will be hard. I know, but I will be there one step of the way, guiding you through this mess, but for now, do me a favor and keep them all healthy and safe," Ratchet said.
"I will," Optimus promised.
"Don't be afraid to find a new medic right away. You're not replacing me as a friend. You're only replacing me as a medic, and it's part of your promise to keep them all healthy. No matter what, I will always be your friend. I've still kept my promise."
"I haven't," Optimus lamented.
"Don't say that. You have been a good friend, and my death is not your fault. You'll only betray me if you abandon our teammates and disregard their safety and health. Please, live for me?"
"I will. I will end this war once and for all in your memory. Now this I vow with all my spark. Goodbye, old friend." Optimus embraced Ratchet.
Ratchet returned the embrace. "Goodbye and live strong, old friend."
They let go, and Optimus pushed a button to open his door. The bright, blinding white light greeted him, and shielding his optics, Optimus walked through.
Then there was nothing but darkness except for the persistent beeping of the electromagnetic pulse monitor.
And Optimus finally woke up inside the base, surrounded by concerned family members.
So was Optimus's battle on is he could forgive himself realistic? I'm not a therpaist, but I know there would be a lot of work when dealing with the guilt of accidenlty killing your friend, so I want your input to tell me if it's realistic or not.