Merlin's jagged left toenail, what the FUCK was that? A very panicked and slight queasy Severus Snape marched toward the Hogwarts gates from the apparition point, hands dragging at the ends of his air and breath snorting out in frustration. She gave you a peck on the lips, Severus. A peck! As a thank you! And you tried to bloody leap down her throat like some spotty teenager! It wasn't a date, and you went and arsed it up anyway! A simple lunch with a friend, and you act like a complete imbecile. She's going to sodding kill you, drop you on your damned pointed head like the moron that you -
"SEVERUS SNAPE, YOU STOP WALKING THIS INSTANT!" An enraged shout from behind him made Severus stop in his tracks a short distance from the Hogwarts gates.
Not that he had much choice. Half body bind curses do have a tendency to halt one's forward momentum. Severus hunched his shoulders - since he couldn't really move any of his other appendages - and waited for the inevitable.
The very red, very enraged face that he had so recently been mashed against appeared in front of Severus' lowered head. Hermione stood in front of him, wand drawn and hands on hips in a picture so reminiscent of Molly Weasley that Severus would have laughed but for the sneaking suspicion that she was about to hex his bollocks off.
The angry witch in front of him spoke in a dangerously low tone of voice. "You're beginning to make a habit of rabbiting after first dates, Severus. Would you mind explaining what the hell all that was about before I turn you into a toad and fling you into the bloody Forbidden Forest for the centaurs to trample?"
Severus drew himself up as formally as the rigid body bind would allow before speaking. "I'm terribly sorry, Professor Granger. I did not intend to accost you. I don't know what came over me and I can only express my abject -" He paused and winged an eyebrow at her. "First date?"
The color in Hermione's cheeks heightened slightly, making her look like a blushing tomato with corkscrews coming out the top. "Yes," she hissed, "first date. What did you think that was?"
"Ah...an outing? Between friends? I - I wasn't clear on the purpose of - that is, we never specifically said that - Pants. I'm shite at this." He would have buried his face in his hands had he been able to move. Severus settled for rolling his eyes and focusing them over her shoulder.
A burble of laughter escaped from the (slightly less angry) woman holding a (very lethal) wand on him. "You really are, aren't you?" She continued to look at him with an expression of exasperated amusement on her face. "If I unbind you, will you stop running and talk to me for a moment?"
He nodded and she wordlessly finited the spell, stowing her wand. His shoulders sagged as the binds released, but before he could as much as move she grabbed his elbow and half pulled, half flung him toward the low rock she'd perched on before they left for Edinburgh. He took the hint and sat, hands folded in his lap. She stood in front of him with her arms crossed, an expectant look on her face.
"So you didn't think this was a date."
"I didn't want to presume. We've barely reestablished a friendship."
She rolled her eyes. "Severus, you know we've been on a date before. Why wouldn't you presume?"
"Uhm...because that date was six years ago? And I don't remember it? And because, by your own statements, it was not an unqualified success?"
She considered him a moment. "You have a point," she conceded. She sat next to him on the rock and huffed a sigh. "Well this is awkward."
"Indeed." The silence between them grew.
Hermione drew a breath as if to speak, then released it in a plosive gust. Severus shifted on the rock. She fidgeted with her nails a moment. Finally he spoke.
"I'm sorry I ran away," he said in a low voice.
"Which time?" she replied.
"Either. Both. Take your pick."
They both shifted uncomfortably on the cold rock, arms folded in mirrored positions of discomfort and embarrassment.
"You didn't accost me."
"Pardon?" he turned his head to glance at her, but she was still staring straight ahead.
"You didn't accost me. I wanted you to kiss me. I had a lovely time today on what I thought was a date. And I had hoped it would end with a kiss." She was blushing again. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. And cursed you."
"I don't think you should be the one apologizing here. I misread your intentions."
"To be fair I wasn't very clear about the purpose of our...outing." She drew her legs up to rest her chin on her knees.
"Date."
"What?" She looked at him in confusion.
"You said it was a date," he replied with a smile. "You can't take it back now."
"I wasn't taking it back." She turned her head toward him with a little smirk.
"Well, good. Then. So we had a date."
"We did. It even went pretty well, except for that last bit."
He mulled over that before replying. "Would you want to go another one? A date?"
"Are you asking?"
He nodded decisively. "Yes. I am asking if you would like to go on another date."
Her smirk broadened into a flirtatious smile. "Then yes, I would like to go out with you again. On a date. To be clear."
"Good." He congratulated himself on overcoming that small hurdle. Now what do I do?
"Good?" she replied.
"Yes?" he looked at her questioningly.
"You're really bad at this."
He grimaced. "I know."
"To be fair, you were bad at this last time too."
He narrowed his eyes at her, but didn't deign to reply to her baiting.
She unfolded her legs and slid off the rock. "How about we try that last bit again?" She held out her hand to draw him to his feet.
He quirked an eyebrow at her. "Which part exactly?"
"The part where I say, I had a lovely time today. Thank you for such an enjoyable day . And then I give you a kiss." She rose on her toes to match action to words, pressing her mouth against his softly for a long moment, then withdrawing. "And you say…?"
He drew her a bit closer and looked her in the eye with a smile of his own. "Thank you for accompanying me on our date. I enjoyed spending the day with you and would like to do so again, if you're amenable."
She grinned at him, then spoke teasingly. "A very acceptable response, if a bit stilted."
"Hermione?" He lowered his head until his lips hovered just above hers.
"Hmm?"
"Stop talking."
" 'kay."
He closed the slight distance between them and watched as her eyelids fluttered closed. He touched his lips to hers gently, tilting his head to rest the hook of his nose against her petal-soft cheek as he savored the feel of her warm body close to his. He held her there in the dying sunlight, restraining the urge to deepen the kiss. Instead, Severus concentrated on running his hands down her arms to her waist and holding Hermione in a light embrace. When their lips parted he simply rested his forehead against hers and stood with her in the rapidly cooling air.
"We should probably head in to dinner." he murmured.
She sighed against his lips. "Probably. But I don't want to."
He drew back a bit, but kept his arms around her for a moment longer. "Would you like to dine in my rooms this evening? We should probably talk." He winced inwardly at his less than enthusiastic phrasing, hoping she hadn't noticed.
She had, but the corner of her mouth quirked. "Sure. Come on. It's getting cold." She stepped out of the circle of his arms and slipped her hand into his. He lifted her fingers to his lips and pressed a light kiss into her knuckles as they began their walk back to the castle.
Once back in his apartments, Severus busied himself hanging their jackets in the cloak closet and summoning Winky to bring them dinner. Hermione immediately stepped out of her shoes, opened her purse and removed Severus' purchases and Minerva's order to set them on the hall table. Severus watched as Hermione moved into the sitting room and waved her hand toward the fire to light it. He noted that she bypassed her usual armchair by the fire and settled into a corner of the couch, clearly waiting for him to join her. Obligingly, he sat at the opposite end of the couch and tilted his body toward hers in a position mimicking what he'd viewed in their last Pensieve session. "The food should be here momentarily. I asked Winky to bring us the same meal that everyone else had tonight. I hope that's alright...I didn't know what you might want to eat."
She waved a hand absentmindedly. "That's fine. I'm not feeling very particular tonight." She snuggled further into the couch as the fire began to warm the room and looked at him expectantly. "You said you thought we should talk?"
"Yes, I -" he was interrupted by Winky's sudden reappearance with a tray laden with roast chicken, vegetables, crusty bread, the ubiquitous pot of tea, and an absurdly large portion of treacle tart.
"Winky has brought foods, Professor Sir," the little elf squeaked.
"Thank you, Winky. Please place it on the coffee table and we'll serve ourselves. We won't need you any more tonight."
"Thank you sir. Winky is happy to serve sir!" The elf disapparated with a soft pop almost as quickly as she had come.
Severus turned back to Hermione and gestured toward the tray. "Why don't we talk while we eat?" She tilted her head in agreement and watched as he took out his wand as he levitated plates and cutlery toward them, then stilled the air to hold them at a comfortable dining level. They quickly applied themselves to the meal, eating slowly and eyeing each other cautiously over their food.
He was the first to break the silence. "Hermione, I don't know if we've had this conversation in the past so I hope you'll forgive me if we've been over this before. I haven't spent a great deal of time with women in my life - I think you know that?"
She nodded and swallowed the bite of zucchini in her mouth. "You told me a few years ago that you'd dated...infrequently since turning spy against Voldemort."
He sighed. "Yes. You know, it's a little disconcerting to not know how much I've shared with you in the past. Regardless, I haven't courted anyone ever. I've been on dates, but those relationships have generally been short lived. You said yourself, I'm exceptionally bad at...this." He waved his hand at the air between them, nearly upsetting his plate in the process. He took a deep breath before he plowed on. "I realize we've only renewed our acquaintance recently, but thanks to your willingness to share your memories I feel that we had and will again have a strong friendship. I'm...hesitant to risk that friendship by subjecting you to my romantic blundering."
Hermione blinked at him as she processed what he'd just said. "Hesitant, but not unwilling?"
"No, not unwilling. But I think - no, I know that I would need you to be patient with me. I'm...unsure of what I'm feeling right now. I don't know if i'm experiencing reconnection or a resurfacing a memory where you're concerned or if I'm simply grateful for your help with recovering that lost year in my life. I don't want to take advantage of your natural sympathies or your own memories of our past connection. That seems manipulative. But I can't deny that I find you attractive and have since I first saw you at Minerva's welcoming party two weeks ago." He felt a blush rise to his cheeks, admitting his feelings in such a forthright manner was not in his nature.
He cut another piece of chicken and speared it with his fork, staring at his plate as he spoke. "I know that I found you attractive before we discovered I had been obliviated, so I'm going to hope that my continued efforts to recover my memories won't interfere with what I feel now. I just...I don't want to hurt you and this entire situation feels as though it's asking for complication."
Hermione set aside her utensils as she regarded the frustrated man across from her. "Severus, our relationship after the battle built slowly - partly because you were still recovering from Nagini's bite and struggling with the press and trying to find yourself after years serving two mostly-insane chess masters. It took you weeks just to trust me enough to call me a friend. But our friendship now has reasserted itself with a rapidity that makes me believe not all your memories are as buried as you think they are.
You're trying to separate your feelings now from what you've seen of your feelings then, and I don't know if you can or should try to do that. If what you felt then is trying to reassert itself, then let it. I can't avoid how I felt then; I don't have any choice but to let it color my choices now. Why should you try to be any different?"
Severus stared at her in frustration. "I'm not expressing myself very well. Hermione, I've spent the better part of my life being manipulated by my own feelings. First by my feelings of inadequacy, which led me straight to the Dark Arts and eventually Voldemort. Then by my feelings of guilt, which led me to Dumbledore. Then by feelings of duty, which led me to engage in unspeakable acts in an attempt to pay a debt to Lily and Dumbledore and myself. I've been controlled by my past my entire life, and I worry that this time you'll be hurt with me. What if my memory comes back and it changes who I am now, how I feel about you? What then?"
"Then you're taking no less of a risk I am. This is how every relationship works, Severus. Everyone who allows their life to entwine with another's takes the chance that feelings might change. Some relationships work, some fail. Yes, you could hurt me. You probably will. And I'll probably hurt you in turn. But I'm still interested in you, even after six years of not knowing where you were, why you left me on our first first-date all those years ago, or what I'd done to send you away. If I can take a chance on you, shouldn't you be willing to take a chance on me?"
He found her candor disarming, and couldn't help but latch on to the first part of her statement. "So you'd want a relationship with me?"
She smiled at him. "Trust you to only hear the first part of that. Yes, you silly man I want a relationship with you. I wanted one with you six years ago, which is one of the reasons I nearly ended up with Ron."
"I'm afraid I don't quite follow."
She sighed again. "My friendship with you during your recovery was one of the defining moments of my adult life. It shaped who I am today, but so did the fact that you left without a word. I told you that I had to make peace with the choices I made after you left - Ron was one of those choices. I didn't date anyone for over a year, then I sort of fell into a relationship with him because he was always there. I think I chose him because he was your anthesis. And we see how well that worked out." She chuckled mirthlessly. "I'm not suggesting that we pick up where we left off - you wouldn't know where that was without me showing you anyhow. I'm just suggesting that we not ignore the fact that we have a shared history."
He rose and gathered their plates, moving toward the dinner tray to pour tea and serve slices of tart to each of them. The movement bought him a little time to think before replying. "If we did form a relationship, I would want to proceed cautiously. It would give us both time to adjust to any emotional upheaval caused by learning about our past history."
"That seems sensible. Define slowly."
"I'm not going to set goals or dates, but I don't think we should be intimate for quite some time."
She snorted. "Intimate? That's presuming a lot, don't you think?"
Severus met her eyes and she stilled, caught by the flare of passion in their depths. "No, I don't."
He was pleased to see a hot flush rise from the neck of her blouse to color her cheeks before she broke eye contact and sipped her tea.
Hermione cleared her throat. "So we would...what. Go on dates?"
He considered. "Well, yes. Outings would be a part of it. But I think the larger point is that I want to get to know you better - both through your memories of our friendship and through the relationship we're establishing now. So we would spend some evenings together, dine together when we could, talk to each other...much as we've already been doing."
"Except with snogging." She raised an eyebrow teasingly.
He surprised himself by laughing. "Yes. Except with snogging. But I don't think we should go beyond that. Not for awhile. I want to be sure I'm not going to hare off to the continent again if a memory jars loose, and I think I'd like to make sure you're interested in the Severus who returned to Hogwarts after several years of travel rather than the injured man you helped nurse back to health. Make sense?"
"You've always made sense, Severus. It's what makes debating with you so incredibly frustrating. We never used to argue, you know. You'd just logic me 'round to your way of thinking. A girl can't even have an irrational tantrum around you."
He smirked as he ate his tart. "I'd apologize, but I fail to see how sound reasoning could be frustrating."
She rolled her eyes as she dug into her own dessert. "Clearly the continent didn't change you that much. You used to say that then, too."
"That's nice to know."
She paused as she chewed and swallowed her treat. "Would you expect exclusivity while we date?"
"I'd prefer it, yes. I've never been terribly good at sharing, and as we're both working toward an actual relationship I'd rather not have to fend off the hordes of men who no doubt pursue the Gryffindor Princess whenever she leaves the castle."
"I'm fine with exclusivity, as long as it's mutual."
Severus shot her an offended look. "I wouldn't dream of offering you anything less."
She blushed. "Sorry. I just...after Ron I need to be clear about that."
He looked at her questioningly. "Were you not clear about that with Ronald?" Hermione certainly hadn't seemed like the type to allow her partner to wander.
"Not clear enough. Clearly." She stabbed her fork into the tart aggressively. "I forgave Ron once. I don't think I have it in me to accept infidelity again."
"Nor should you have to. If you and I are dating - even if we are not yet intimate - I will not be dating anyone else. I promise you that, Hermione."
She nodded her head and looked at her plate to poke at her tart again.
Severus rose and gathered their plates, since she was clearly not going to be eating the remainder of her tart, then returned to the sofa. "Would you like to stay for a bit this evening? We could read for a bit or take in the air on the balcony." He was disappointed when she shook her head.
"No, I think we should work with the pensieve."
"Are you sure? It has been rather a full day - and an emotional one at that. I don't wish to overtax you."
Hermione smiled and scooted out of her corner of the sofa to sit knee-to-knee with him, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the cheek before drawing back to look at him. "I'm not fragile, Severus. And you're at a bit of a disadvantage. We have a history as friends, for all that our relationship seems new to you now. I want you to know that history so that I'm not carrying it alone."
He flushed a bit at the kiss and her frankness. "Of course." He withdrew his wand to banish the dinner tray to the kitchen, then floated the pensieve into position on the coffee table. "After you." Hermione leaned in to press another lingering kiss to the corner of his mouth, then rose to take her usual seat near the fire. She withdrew her wand and began extracting the memory of the evening, placing the silver wisp into the bowl. Severus sat in the chair opposite and braced his hands on his knees before plunging his face into the silky liquid in the bowl.
Severus found himself back at Spinner's End, which appeared to be much cleaner than the last time he had seen it in either memory or reality. He was on his back atop a cushioned table in the center of his sitting room, covered in sweat and far from happy. He had his arms crossed and was holding his them close to his body as if to keep them from moving away.
"Kindly remove yourself from your presence you overbearing harpy!" he growled at the thera-witch in pale pink robes. "Don't you dare poke me with your bloody wand, you stupid creature! Dammit! Hermione, get this woman out of here!"
The thera-witch clucked her tongue and pointed her wand and his shoulders again. "Calm yourself Mr. Snape. That was only set nine. Once more and you'll be done for the day." Without waiting for reply, she moved her wand with a swish and a poke, commanding his muscles to clench and release in rapid succession. Severus watched his past-body's shoulders and pectoral muscles ripple as they moved through a set of magically syncopated movements. Without speaking, the thera-witch proceeded to swish and poke her way down his body, swishing and flicking and muscle groups in his arms, abdomen, legs, hands, and feet.
Severus grunted and swore his way through the final round of therapy. He watched his past self mutter under his breath, catching only snippets that sounded like "lobster claws for hands...won't trust yourself to shower without a spoon...scorpions and nettles in the mattress...you'll never eat marmalade again, you sadistic bint!" He chuckled, imagining what retribution he'd planned. However, as the session progressed he could see that his past-self was clearly struggling with the exercises; his insults began to taper of and his breath began to rattle out in puffs and wheezes. By the end his normal pallor was sheet white and his eyes were glazed with pain.
"You're done for today, Mr. Snape," snapped the thera-witch, who turned away to gather her things.
With the exercises finished, Hermione - who must have been near the wall watching the torture session - moved forward to help him sit up and handed him two vials in periwinkle and goldenrod. She guided his shaking hands to his mouth to assist him in drinking the muscle relaxant and pain relief potions before gingerly helping him move to the couch. He groaned as he sank into the cushions, his breath still wheezing out in an alarming fashion. The thera-witch ignored her patient and busied herself with sheathing her wand and straightening her robes.
Hermione handed Severus a glass of water and spoke in a low voice. "I'll be back in a moment. I'm just going to see Madam Lawdee out." He simply gulped at the water and glared at his therapist.
Hermione took the middle-aged witch by the arm and led her toward the door "Winifred, you know that I'm grateful that you come to assist Severus each week, but might I make a suggestion to help your sessions progress more smoothly?"
The thera-witch drew herself up haughtily. "You can suggest, but I doubt anything would make that man more cooperative!"
"He does not like to feel out of control, Winifred. Therapy is necessary for him to strengthen his muscles - he knows that as well as I - but if you could perhaps wait for him to signal his readiness before beginning each muscle group exercise. And perhaps give him time to recover between each muscle group. I don't think it's good for him to struggle so much with his breathing. I - I realize that you have other places to be, but I do think you have rushed it the past few sessions. He was unable to walk for two days after your last visit. He was unable to do the home exercises, which does not seem like a good way for him to make progress between sessions."
"Are you a therapist, Miss Granger? There is no recovery without pain! I will not alter my techniques simply because he is lazy. I will return at the same time next week. And tell Mr. Snape that if he cannot keep his uncouth mouth shut, I will charm it shut for him during our sessions. I do not take abuse from my clients."
Hermione lifted her head and stared at the woman in front of her for a moment before opening the front door. "I see, Madam Lawdee. You do not take abuse, but you are willing to dole it out? That hardly seems professional. We thank you for your time, but I believe Mr. Snape will be seeking the services of another in the future. Have a good day."
The thera-witch sputtered. "I am Ministry approved! You have no right to -" Her words cut off as Hermione closed the door in her face and returned to the sitting room.
"Is the bitch gone?" he asked.
"I dismissed her. We'll find someone else. And if we can't find a thera-witch, we'll bring in a Muggle physical therapist. The techniques are similar." She picked up a towel and handed it to him, taking his empty water glass.
Severus glanced up as she walked past him into the kitchen, surprise and gratitude clear on his face.
He emerged from the pensieve and glanced at the woman seated across from him. "When was that? Dates are getting a bit muddled from my end."
She thought for a moment. "You were released in early September and began physical therapy right away. I think that was your third or fourth session, so late September? Early October? Somewhere in there."
"And you were still with me?"
She blushed. "Most of the time, yes. I stayed in your spare room most nights. I was afraid to leave you on your own."
"I'm surprised Potter and Weasley didn't come to rescue you at some point."
She laughed. "Harry came to see you twice a week, Severus. You were getting close to friendly by the time you left the country. Ron...well, Ron was wrapped up in other things that first year. He had a fan club and uh...took advantage of it. Shamelessly." She shrugged and changed the subject. "Are you ready for another?"
"If you're up to it." He watched as she drew another silvery memory from her mind and placed it in the floating bowl, then glanced at her briefly before immersing himself in the memory.
It was clearly a few weeks later. His past self looked a bit healthier and steadier on his feet. Past-Severus was drenched in sweat again, but he was neither trembling nor pale. He shook hands with an older gentleman dressed in black pants and a simple shirt and watched as he escorted him to the door. Hermione was tidying up the sitting room, shrinking a mat and large inflated ball down to stow them in the cupboard under the stairs.
Her muffled voice came from inside the small space. "I think Robert is working out well, don't you?"
He shrugged. "He's a sight better than the thera-witch. I like that he lets me work at my own pace."
She nodded. "What was that he was saying to you as he was leaving?"
"Just a suggestion for care after my therapy is complete. He was talking about some sort of Muggle exercise progamme. Pilot Tease?"
She chuckled. "Pilates. My mum used to do that. It's like...calisthenics with stretching and strengthening bits. Very controlled. We can look into it if you want. I'll even learn it with you."
"Hm. That sounds tolerable, especially if I'm not suffering through it alone. Robert recommended I look into it. He said it would help with the shoulder and back pains." He gestured toward his own rail-thin frame and rolled his eyes. "He also told me that I need to fill out some."
"Well you've always been thin, but you became...rather painfully so when you were in St. Mungo's. I think he wants to help you build up muscle. I mean, could you even move a cauldron without magic right now?"
He narrowed his eyes and didn't reply. "I need to shower," he muttered, moving toward the stairs.
"I'll get us some lunch. How do you feel about chinese takeaway?"
"Get what you like. It matters not to me."
"Don't forget we're expected at Harry's for the party tonight. He said no costumes - just dinner and drinks with the Order."
His resigned voice was muted as it came down the stairs. "Dammit woman, you've reminded me twice already today. My body is weakened, not my mind. I said I would attend, and so I shall."
She snickered to herself as she gathered her purse to head outside. "Touchy today aren't we? I'll be back in a half hour." She slipped into a Muggle jacket and went off to fetch lunch.
When Severus emerged from the bowl again, he spoke slowly. "That's odd. I've been practicing Pilates for nearly five years now. I learned on the continent...but I've never known why I felt drawn to trying it."
"Perhaps there are gaps in the memory charm?"
"It seems plausible. It would explain why I felt the need to establish a friendship with you so quickly. I wonder if there are other things that are slipping through that we haven't noticed."
She shrugged and rubbed at her head. "We'll have to wait and see. I suspect that the memory sessions are helping to widen those gaps."
He watched her hand as it rubbed slow circles on her temple. "Headache already?"
"Apparently. It's been a long day...we should probably stop there for the night." She began the process of gathering and replacing the silver wisps, wincing as she touched her wand to her head.
He rose and walked to the bath, returning with a small vial. "Here. This will help."
"Thanks." She downed the headache potion quickly, grimacing a little at the taste. "I appreciate it."
"It would seem that it's only fair. You took care of me for weeks, after all." He gestured toward the pensieve.
She eyed him a moment before replying. "It's what friends do, Severus. You were - and are - my friend. I wanted to help you. Still do, apparently."
"That was far more than friendship, Hermione. You entertained me. You made sure I was fed. You helped me find therapists who would help rather than hinder my progress. You cleaned my bloody house and were all but living there during my convalescence. Why would you do so much for me, especially after how I treated you during your school years?"
She sighed a bit and ran her fingers through her hair to tidy it. "I'll admit it started as gratitude. You saved us so many times during school and you were the deciding factor in the final battle. We knew what your sacrifices were and I knew I wanted to help you regain some of what you'd lost in the attempt to help us defeat Voldemort. And...I'd developed a bit of a crush by the time you were released. So I kept helping you because it let me be near you." She flushed a little at the admission.
He took her hand and helped her rise to her feet, gathering her into a hug. "I probably didn't deserve such devotion, but thank you for it all the same." Looking down, Severus touched his lips to her forehead. "You should rest before your headache returns."
She nodded and moved to the foyer to gather her bag and jacket. "Will you be at breakfast in the morning?"
He gave her a crooked smile and opened the door. "It looks like I have a bit of a crush on you, so if you'll be there, so will I."
She stood on her toes to place a soft kiss on his lips. "Then I'll see you in the morning."