Chapter 10 – Darkness

AN – This follows Episode 10 of Lessons: Becoming the Green Arrow. BTW, thank you to all who guessed the mystery blond's identity and stuck with your choice! I very much enjoyed the speculation and interest! While I know not all agree with my choice I still hope you enjoy this piece!

AN2 – Always, always thanks to all who continue to read and review the summer series! Always, always thanks to my beta, TheOddManOut!

DISCLAIMER – I'm cranky today so let's just stick to the standard legal jargon that I have no claim and no infringement is intended as I play without profit!

Under the darkness of night, the blond woman moved more silently than she ever would have thought she could and yet louder than she knew Malcolm would have wanted. He was now a voice in her head – challenging, taunting, pushing and she wasn't sure she would ever be free of that. She no longer called him 'father' in her own mind or heart even though she would speak the title out loud for his benefit and her own purposes.

Because she had played her part of daughter so well, she had gained more and more freedom which she had used to send word to Oliver and Roy. Technically it was Felicity who was receiving her "messages" or at least she thought it was the IT girl who had picked up her trail. According to Malcolm, Felicity was the brains and resident hacker on Oliver's team. As she was the one who had discovered how to stop the earthquake machine, Malcolm held her responsible for the failure of the Undertaking just as he held Oliver responsible.

Malcolm's bitterness over the failure to wipe out the whole neighborhood was the first crack in the foundation of her new life. She hadn't been sure who she was when she had accepted his offer to leave with him and truthfully she still wasn't sure. What she did know was that she couldn't justify killing hundreds of innocent people as Malcolm did. Thea actually still battled her own guilt for her mother's and father's roles in the tragedy.

Unfortunately, it had taken more days and weeks, more examples of his brutal training, demands for loyalty, and twisted sense of honor for her to realize her place wasn't with him. She wasn't so naïve anymore as to believe she had a place with Oliver or Roy either though. However, she had felt the need to see them once more so she had made her plans and forced Malcolm to return home with her. Thea knew she still needed to find her place, but just as she had needed to leave Starling City to do that previously, she now needed to return there. She needed to bury her past once and for all so she could move on and find her own path.

She had used several of her solo nightly training sessions to track Oliver and his team. Each time, she had managed to stay hidden in the darkness except for that one night against Caitlyn Snow. While she hadn't planned on interfering, she found she couldn't just sit by and let Felicity be hurt or taken. It had been surprisingly easy to defeat the thugs manhandling the blond while the other woman quickly made her escape.

It would have been even easier to use her own silver arrows to put a stop to the attack but she hadn't wanted to leave that evidence behind. When she confronted Oliver, Roy, and the rest of them, she wanted it to be on her time and in her way. She had dropped hints, sent her messages in cyberspace and she still believed Felicity was the hacker tracking her recently. However, those were just friendly reminders and taunts. Considering all the lies that Oliver and Roy had fed her, Thea couldn't help but feel that she deserved a few secrets of her own.

Her rescue of Felicity wasn't a planned secret but she still relished the thought that Oliver and Roy owed her now and that they didn't even know it. She had been the one to keep Felicity safe until they had arrived. That rescue had felt good but it had also brought Thea pain as well.

After dispatching the thugs, she had found a nearby hiding place to watch the reactions of her brother, former lover, and their friend. At first it had been amusing to see their worried and protective attitude toward the blond IT girl but then she had noticed the other things. There were looks exchanged without words, movements that were coordinated and precise, power barely leashed. Those were all strengths that Malcolm had taught her to recognize in an enemy.

However, she also saw the emotion behind the actions. Emotions were something Malcolm scorned as weaknesses and he constantly reminded Thea that emotions and other people were what got you killed. His training had simply confirmed what Thea had suspected when she learned of her lineage and of the lies. You could only count on yourself - other people would lie and use you, other people were dangerous threats.

Thea had gotten very good at burying her feelings, hiding in the darkness, and keeping her distance from others, even from Malcolm. The ache that had settled in her chest the night Slade Wilson had kidnapped her had finally lessened after she steeled and hardened her heart. She had learned Malcolm's lessons well.

While she had learned a lot from Malcolm and even realized that she didn't want to be like him, she also knew she didn't want to return to her old existence either. Thea Queen had been blind, useless, dependent upon others – she wasn't that person anymore and didn't want to be that person. She had changed and she was determined to find a new place in the world for herself. Thea had been planning carefully and knew what direction she was going to take soon. She was going to leave Malcolm, leave Starling City once and for all.

What she saw that night had shaken her confidence in her new knowledge and plans though. It had also brought back a painful clenching of her heart that had surprised her. She had thought she was returning to say good bye and possibly even get some revenge before she moved on to a new life. However, what she witnessed tempted her and challenged her belief that you couldn't count on others and that emotions were always bad.

The intimacy and trust of Oliver and his group was as obvious as it was strong. Thea felt the yearning to be included herself even though she barely recognized the Ollie and Roy she had known before.

In many ways, the man who rushed to Felicity's side first was a complete stranger to her. He was obviously angry and even afraid but he was also gentle and loving. The image of his face from that night as he had caressed Felicity merged and blended with the childhood memories she still carried of her idolized older brother. Those old feelings of love, trust, and affection bubbled up inside her and forced Thea to look away from the scene even though she knew the picture was burned in her brain.

After a few deep breaths, she looked again but this time she focused on Roy. He wasn't the street smart, tough rebel she had left behind. While he still had that edge, he seemed stronger, more controlled now. Thea noted the grace of his movements even as she watched him bury his obvious anger whenever he spoke or looked at Felicity. His affection was obvious and after the flare of jealousy burned bright and fast, Thea was left only with her yearning.

Swallowing with difficulty as she felt tears prick her eyes, Thea forced her attention to the two remaining people. The people both her brother and ex-boyfriend had trusted more than her, the people they hadn't lied to as they had lied to her.

She knew Diggle was an ex-soldier and while she doubted now that he had ever been Oliver's bodyguard, he had tried to protect her at Oliver's request. Even then he had been quiet, steadfast, and somehow comforting though she had fought against that feeling. She could see both Roy and Oliver look to him at times that night and it was obvious to her now that he was much more than just a hired hand.

With that realization, she had turned her focus back to Felicity and wondered what was hidden there as well. She knew Malcolm saw the girl as the brains of Oliver's operation but Thea saw more than that in her in that single night. Felicity had tried to protect Caitlyn, she had tried to fight off two much larger guys, and she had elicited amazing softness from the three strong men that stood by her side. Felicity too was much more than she or Malcolm had believed.

Thea had a sudden understanding that night as she had watched them. Not only were each of them more and different than she and Malcolm had believed but together they were also more than the sum of their parts. Malcolm belittled her brother and his need for companions but the four people Thea watched that night were stronger together than they would ever have been alone. She was able to see the flaw and arrogance in Malcolm's analysis even as she ached to feel the emotions and intimacy Oliver and his friends clearly displayed.

Turning away once more, Thea rejected what they represented as she couldn't bring herself to be open to more betrayals, more pain. She also realized that she didn't want to be someone anyone counted on for anything – she didn't want the responsibility that loving someone brought. It was tempting to indulge in a fantasy future with Oliver, Roy and their group but Thea was no longer that foolish little girl who believed in dreams.

As she left them and blended into the darkness of night, Thea reminded herself that her path was hers alone and she didn't need or want to count on anyone again. She didn't want to have her heart broken again as the next time she might not find all the pieces.

Finding her way into the abandoned warehouse to spend the night, she relished the distance from Malcolm but she knew she would be seeing him tomorrow in Gotham and that meant more tests and challenges. For now though, she was alone and had no reason to hide behind disguises. Removing the blond wig, Thea took a moment to shake out her shorter hair that she had rebelliously dyed red as the color symbolizes rebirth.

Her new name of Cānglù also represented her determination to begin again and find her own path.