You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
My Immortal - Evanescence
Bellevue, Seattle, April 2004
The study was bathed in moonlight which made her job a lot easier. She checked the door again before making her way across the room. Nerves kicked in as she reached the safe shelf but she swallowed down any reservations. This time she had asked point blank about her birth certificate and once again her father had hedged. She pestered him, out of desperation mostly, until finally he exploded and told her no without adequate explanation. His flat refusal left her hurt and angry but not completely helpless. She recalled her conversation with Christian choosing to take matters into her own hands.
Her hands shook as she worked her way through the combination. The first time didn't work but on the second attempt the barrels fell into place with a subtle click. Opening the door she found a pile of documents all carefully organized and labeled. Using what was close to a photographic memory she committed the order of everything to memory as she proceeded to check through each document. She was searching for the one that her father claimed was misplaced. One thing she knew about her lawyer father - he never misplaced anything.
The sweat from her palms threatened to stain the paper and she had to stop for a moment to wipe her hands on her jeans. A sound of creaking floorboards above the study froze her in place. Barely daring to breath she paused before unfolding the paper in her hand and found herself holding both the certificate and a faded photograph. Disbelieving both the words typed carefully across the paper, and the image of three figures outside a hospital entrance,she blinked back tears of horror at what she was seeing. The bile rose in her throat and she had to swallow down the urge to cry with disbelieving rage.
Coping Together Charity Event, Bellevue, Seattle Saturday June 11 2011
The figure, draped in black, stands to one side of the dance floor like a harbinger of doom, watching a couple dance . Even through the black sequined mask the venom bleeding from her eyes is clearly visible. There is nothing less attractive on a woman than jealousy. She wears her hatred of Ana Steele like a cloak and she has good reason to feel the threat. Ana is pure light and love. Everything that Elena can never be.
"Hello, mother." The lift of her chin is the only acknowledgement my presence. Her complete focus is on Christian, as if by mere force of will she can make him turn to look at her. He only has eyes for Ana. Elena has ceased to exist. It must hurt like hell. Seems like the perfect time to rub salt in. "They look good together, don't you think? I have never seen Christian so besotted with anyone. I really think he is falling in love. Don't you?"
Her body stiffens as she straightens up and turns to look at me. "I don't think that little tramp has what it takes to hold Christian's interest for long. Gold diggers like Anastasia Steele have a use by date. When your brother opens his eyes I'll be there for him. Just as I always have."
"Anyone would think you were jealous…mother…but that can't be right." A hiss forms in her breath as we continue to watch them dance. "Christian is a big boy. He seems to know what he wants." Pausing for effect, I turn at her profile. "And what he doesn't."
Elena pushes past me and starts to stalk towards the house. I grab her arm before she can get too far. For a moment we both freeze glancing down at where I am holding her before I raise my eyes to hers again. The telltale glistening in her eyes is unexpected. I might have assumed that she had feelings but I know better. Elena doesn't do emotion. Not unless you call hard-nosed evil bitch troll an emotion.
"Elena, I apologise. I know you only have his best interests at heart." Antagonising her might be good sport but right now I need her so I have to fix this. "I do really want to talk with you."
"Why don't you run along and join your date. He is looking a little lost." I don't even bother to look. Sean doesn't do lost. He fits in everywhere.
"He is fine. I think he has his eye on some lucky waiter. Can we go somewhere private?"
She hesitates for a moment before giving a slight inclination of her head. Curiosity is a hard taskmaster. We put some distance between us and the guests by heading out behind the stage. Big bands and Frank Sinatra wannabes give good cover for clandestine conversations.
"I've been considering your offer." She says nothing, so I continue. "To find me a master. But I've heard some news and I wondered if I could get ask your advice."
"Stop being so cryptic, Mia. Why don't simply tell me what you are talking about."
"According to the dungeon masters at La Jardin, I'm not a natural submissive, and I had to leave Paris before completing my training. There is a particular master, recently arrived, who I know will be looking for new local talent. Since it's a public function, I thought there might be a possibility that he would attend the slave auction the next week." The emotional mask slips for a second, a small reveal of humanity that Elena sheds just as quickly as it came. I guess whatever it was didn't match her dress which is black, like her soul.
"If he does attend, he's unlikely to be bidding." Considering he doesn't exist, I'm thinking that's highly likely. She doesn't need to know that. Predictably, she's heating up at the thought of new blood. I'm loving my fictional master already.
"True, but it's my chance to engage his interest. If it works, I figure I have three months to improve my skills enough to go on the high-rollers list."
"I don't know what you are talking about." Sharp eyes drill into mine, not really the look you want if you're in denial. It's crystal clear that she knows exactly what I'm talking about but her eyes are yelling 'cold day in hell'.
"Yes, you do." This auction is upstairs at Sirens. An open event and a bit of fun for recreational kinksters. The real auction in three months time is downstairs at Orpheus and closed. A members-only event for qualified masters with too much cash. "Look, I've seen this guy at Jardin. He's a specialist, just arrived in the country. He's sticking around in the States for a while and he'll be seeking membership. I want his eye on me at the next auction." That should be enough information for now.
"I told you to stay away from Orpheus."
"Oh, come on, Elena. I know you and Christian have been members there for years." My sixteen year old self withdraws from that thought. Some memories should remain dead and buried.
"That club is not for little girls who want to play at kink. Go back to your romance novels."
"It's a little late for protecting my virtue, Elena." I might have come to Ethan as a twenty-two year old virgin but my mother had corrupted me a long time before that.
"Why don't you ask Christian, then?" She goes to turn around and I still her with my hand again. She's smart, I will give her that much. Thank God there is something redeeming about the bitch. Matricide is such an ugly word.
"Don't be stupid, Elena. Christian might be heavily into the lifestyle but he won't allow his baby sister to take it up. Besides, now that he has Ana, I can't imagine he will be making use of his membership." Quite frankly, I could give a rat's ass about what Christian does and doesn't want me taking up. He gave away any right to tell me what to do the first time he pinned me to the floor by the throat.
"You over-estimate their relationship." Determined and misguided seem to be getting along just fine in Elena's head. I shrug. She can think what she likes but I'm pretty sure that Christian will want nothing more to do with Orpheus now that he has got Ana back in his life. Elena obviously didn't make herself available for the devastation I witnessed at Escala a few days ago. "As your mother, why would I approve of your request? I've already told you what I think." The shift from resistant outrage to shrewd suspicion happens in a heart beat. Mercurial, my mother is, and I've had just about enough of this conversation as I can bare.
"Don't try to be what you are not and have no intention of ever being. I don't want you to be my mother. I want you to be my mentor. I want you to train me." The shock on her face is priceless but fleeting. She still doesn't trust me. Who can blame her. That was a massive fucking amateur slip. I am allowing her to unsettle me. Concentrate Mia. You're better than this.
"I have no intention of training you." Time to play my trump card.
"I think you will, because if you don't, then I will tell my mother about your little arrangements with my brother." I sense rather than see the fear. Yeah, suck on that bitch!
"You have no idea who you are playing with, little one." Oh, for fuck's sake. You have no idea who you are playing with you overdressed, over-primped, over-bleached, over-aged nanny goat. I could have the fucking book thrown at you for what you did to Christian with no goddamn statute of limitations you ugly, fucking pedophile. I hear Ethan's voice in the back of my head, restraining me from clocking the bitch. Breathe Mia, just breathe.
"Elena, I have no intention of hurting Grace with any of your deceit. I don't particularly care what your arrangement with Christian is. I do know that if Mom ever found out it would break her heart and you could safely assume that Christian would be forced to pull his investment out of Esclava."
"You have no proof of anything." The words seep from her mouth casting her confessions of guilt to the wind. Some of them, anyway.
"Stop playing games, Elena. You wouldn't be this upset about Ana if there wasn't some…history. Train me and I won't tell anyone what I know."
"You are speculating on something that you know nothing about. I don't expect my own flesh and blood to blackmail me." Oh God, that's rich. I think I might vomit on her $1500 shoes. Poetic justice.
"Then do what you've always done and deny our connection. Whatever permits you to live with the morality of it all, I don't really give a shit. I have enough photographic evidence to convince my parents that you and Christian have been more than friends for years. Any whiff of that and you don't just piss off my parents but you can guarantee that Christian will pull his investment from Escala." There's a stoicism in the way she resists reacting to my threat that I have to admire. She'd make one hell of a poker player. If she knew that I could prove that she was screwing my brother when he was underage she wouldn't hesitate but I don't want her to know the extent of my knowledge. Right now, I need to leave some room for trust. Believe me, I would give my right tit to be ignorant of her evil. I'd give my left tit if she could really not be my biological mother.
"I don't want you in this world. It isn't for you, Mia." Yeah, well I'm not sure I want you in this world either but that shit is illegal.
"Don't sweat it, Elena. Like I said, I played a little in France. I like it. I want it. I want him." She looks like she is about to try and put up another argument. "Look, take me to the Slave Auction this week as an observer and give me one training session at Orpheus. If you're still not convinced, I'll never mention it to you again."
"And then what?"
"I move on to plan B. I've got my eye on a potential master and I'm going to get him, come hell or high water. You can choose to help me with that or not. But give me one chance to prove my commitment to the lifestyle. To show you I have what it takes."
Another argument forms on her lips but she discards it. Indifference to her tantrum is working in my favour as she finally she capitulates. "You have one night. I will take you to the auction and we will train that same night, while the club is empty. If I have any concerns or reservations then I will load you into a cab and we will never talk about this again. And you will give me the photographs."
There is no way in hell that I would just hand over those photos. Preserving our trusting relationship isn't high on my priority list. I nod and walk inside the house, resisting the urge to fist-pump. Making my way upstairs I pass my bedroom and pause outside Christian's old room. For one moment, I am stopped in my tracks by a memory of one of the last times we stayed together in this house, just before he went to Harvard.
Seattle June 2001
The screams woke her with a start for the third time that week. She lay in the dark listening to his desperation for a few minutes, hoping that he would calm and settle. After a few moments she knew it wasn't going to happen.
The phone was in her hand before she had time to think about it. He answered within three rings.
"Hey, baby girl. Let me hear." It took a few steps down the hall to reach his room and she entered quietly knowing that if she woke him suddenly from the dream they would both regret it. Holding the phone out she counted quietly to five and then let herself out of the room and back into the hall.
"It will be okay, sweetheart, just do exactly what I tell you." His voice calmed her nerves.
"Okay." She whispered. They were alone in the house. Elliot had moved out months earlier. Her father was away on a business trip and her mother was on a night shift. She thought about telling them how frightened she was to be left alone with him but then she knew Christian would be mortified if he thought she were scared of him. And she knew that her parents were at the end of their rope with him. "Lelliot, I'm scared."
"Don't be, Mimi. I'm right here, just follow the plan. Go inside the room and stand by the bathroom door. Make sure there is nothing blocking the way. And don't drop the phone."
"Lelliot…" Her body was trembling. The quality of his cries told her that this was bad.
"It's okay, baby girl. Just be ready to run. Don't hesitate. And remember…"
"Yeah, got it. Don't drop the phone." She moved across the room quietly and stood by the door to her brother's bathroom. His thrashing was punctuated by heart rendering screams and gut wrenching moans. The head of his bed was right beside the ensuite door and she had to step back away from his arm when he flung it out. "I'm ready."
"Alright. I'm not going anywhere. Do it." She took a deep breath, counted again and then grabbed the blanket pulling it back from his body. His torso twisted on the bed responding to the change in temperature and he began to reach for the blanket. She threw it down to the foot of the bed.
"Christian. Christian." As she spoke in a singing tone that was as clear and calm as she could muster, she reached out to touch his face. If she was lucky he would calm, grab the blanket and go straight back to sleep. But if he looked like he was going to wake up she needed to run and lock herself in the bathroom.
His body stilled for a fraction of a second and it was enough to throw her off her timing. Unable to respond fast enough his hand wrapped around her wrist before she could get away. Their eyes met in the darkness, his wild, hers frantic. She barely had time to scream before he had thrown her on the floor, straddling her body and pinning her there with a hand around her neck. She began to choke and thrash as hard as she could but her fear and the lack of air was taking her under. He pushed harder, breathing heavily, an almost evil grimace on his face and those wild eyes flashing in the moonlight. His beauty captivated her as much as his anger terrified. Before she passed out she did the only thing she could manage and lifted one hand to his face, the other hand holding the phone, still gripped in her right hand, she held to his ear. Consciousness was slipping as she heard her oldest brother yelling down the phone.
"Christian. Christian, you fuck, let go of her. It's Mia for Christ sake. Let the fuck go of her. Christian answer me, you fucking cunt. Don't you fucking hurt her. I will come after you and kill you myself. Do you hear me? Do you fucking hear me?" Elliot's voice was fading for her.
Everything froze for a moment and then she felt the pressure ease as Christian leapt off her body. Tears were coursing down her face as she struggled to breath through a choking cough. "Oh God, oh God, Elliot, she's choking. Fuck, she's choking."
"Christian, stop. Calm down. She will be okay. Help her sit up." Mia could hear Elliot yelling from through the phone. A continual litany of calm-the-fuck-down as she and Christian sat on the floor facing off through their tears. Finally, when his mortification overtook her fear she crawled across the floor and took his face in her hands in an effort to make him look at her.
"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." He sobbed as he wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled into him, her arms wrapped around his waist and held him while he cried. She knew he meant every single word. Hearing Elliot's voice from the floor beside them, she reached down and picked up the phone.
"Mia, Christian, somebody talk to me. Guys, please. What's happening?"
"Elliot, we're okay." She wondered if they would ever be okay. She wondered what she would have done if Elliot had been on stage and unable to take her call. She didn't want to think about him not ever being there to help her. She didn't want to think about what would have happened tonight if he hadn't been able to get Christian's attention.
"Honey, put the phone on speaker so I can talk to him." She glanced down at the buttons and did what he asked. Without hesitation he started to speak.
"Christian, listen to me. You are okay and so is Mia. Do you hear me? You are both going to be alright. Do you understand me?"
"No, I could have killed her. I almost killed her." Christian's tears start anew but his voice is that horrible flat emotionless tone that she hates. That tone frightens her more than the dreams or the screaming or the sheer physical violence. The flat tone always sounds like he is giving up and she couldn't live with herself if he ever gave up.
"But you didn't. We did exactly what we planned and it worked. It always works and you didn't really hurt her. Did he, baby girl?"
"No, I'm fine. Honestly. I was scared but I knew you would stop. I knew you didn't want to hurt me. I knew you would stop, Christian." She doesn't know who she is trying to convince. Her body is shaking with the sheer exhaustion of going through this again. Too many nights, too many close calls. Too much remorse and regret for all of them.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mimi. Please don't hate me too much." She clung to him.
"I can't hate you." She wanted to tell him that she loved him but hated the reaction it would bring. He never wanted to hear that, no matter how much she wanted to say it.
"Christian, Mimi needs to sleep." This too was part of the ritual of getting through the night. Christian got up off the floor and helped his sister to rise. They both climbed on to the bed and he pulled the blanket over their bodies. Mia lay on her side facing the door with Christian spooning behind her, he placed the phone on the pillow above their heads. This touching and hugging in the middle of the night, in the midst of a crisis, was the only time he let her get this close. She thought of it as her reward for the fear and terror. Tomorrow, Elliot would come and take her out and he would hold her while she cried. Christian would disappear to wherever he went when he hated himself too much to stay around. They would give him space and try not to think of a time when he would choose never to come back. The sound of a guitar came through the receiver and as Mia closed her eyes she concentrated on the sound of her brothers singing to her.
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
When the song finished she kept her breathing even and heavy as she listened to them talk.
"Bro, she really will be okay."
"She's only okay because you are on the other end of the phone." Christian sounds so disgusted with himself. "I can't do this to her any more. It isn't fair."
"On you or her? You didn't ask for this either, Christian. And she loves you. We both do."
"Don't. Don't say that. She can't possibly love me when I scare the shit out of her every second night. I wish Mom would arrange her shifts differently when Dad is away." When they were younger she would do exactly that. It was only when Christian and Elliot became teenagers that their mother left them alone at night and she didn't do it very often. Christian was being too hard on himself.
"In a couple of weeks you will be across the other side of the country and it won't matter. You have to let it go. We have this plan for a reason and it works." She wanted to hate Christian. She tried to summon up that hate even as she lay here in his arms. She hated the fear, she hated that Elliot had to save her. She hated that Christian couldn't wait to get away from her. But she knew hate was simply the other side of the coin. Even at his scariest she loved her brother and she would miss him. Just like she missed Elliot. They would both leave her here and she would have peace but she would ache with missing them. She just wouldn't miss fearing for her life.
"What if it didn't…"
"Stop. It worked. It always works. Let it go." There was a long period of silence in which she could almost hear Christian's brain ticking over. Just as she was about to drift off to sleep they started to talk again. This time about music. She knew that Christian wouldn't go back to sleep and she knew that Elliot wouldn't hang up until morning. She also knew that none of them would ever tell their parents about these nights. With the reassurance that they would talk until daylight she finally drifted off to sleep.
A/N: Welcome to a 2016 Revised Chapter. Please read and review.
Thank you to all those people who have sent me kind messages of support and welcome. It's nice to finally get the opportunity to complete this story as a reward for your loyalty.
This chapter has an altered conversation between Elena and Mia regarding the club. There is a clarity here about what Mia hopes to gain from all of this. The memory of Christian's attach on Mia is very much the same as I wrote it originally. It will take on more importance in future chapters.
Thanks again, much love, Sasha xxx