Chapter 9

Hey guys! I know it's been a really, really long time, and i'm not even going to go into detail about everything, there really is no point. But if you have been waiting for this chapter (and all the ones that will be coming after this) then here you go!

Cuts

12 year old Hiccup quietly walked to the bus stop, gripping the straps of his plain black backpack, which were decorate with an assortment of dragon pins, his favorite being the black dragon that reminded him of a black panther.

It was March and he had just turned 12. His birthday was on February 29th, the Leap Year. Jack, of course, wouldn't let him live it down, constantly saying that Hiccup wasn't really 12, he was actually 3. Of course he didn't have a party or anything, no one would want to come anyway. All he had was Jack, who didn't even get to spend much time with him in the end due to a baseball game, which he won.

He pushed his glasses up on his nose, the same ones he got when he was ten, after he complained about not being able to see the tv. Sometimes he wishes he had kept his mouth shut. He then runs his tongue over the wires that are glued to his teeth. Braces. He had gotten them not even a month after he got his glasses, and he would still have to wear them for another year and a half.

Dagur and his friends had a blast picking on Hiccup when he walked into school with a framed face and a mouth full of metal, calling out an assortment of names such as 'braceface', 'train-tracks', and 'four-eyes'.

When Hiccup told Jack that he was scheduled to get glasses and braces though, he went with him to each appointment, helping him pick out frames and color for his bands. He ended up getting simple black frames, and blue and green bands, his and Jack's favorite colors.

But when Dagur started his verbal attacks on Hiccup, all Jack said was that their was a bunch of other kids with glasses and braces. Dagur's words didn't stop though, and after a while, Jack stopped defending him. Hiccup never mentioned it to him though, because he knew it wouldn't change anything.

They still hung out, and Hiccup still had fun with Jack, but things weren't the same anymore. They never interacted in school whatsoever. Jack stopped looking for him at breakfast and lunch, and in the halls at school when they would change their classes. In the classes they shared, Jack never picked Hiccup as a partner, leaving Hiccup to be the last choice. In gym, Jack would laugh, although not as long and loud, as everyone else when Hiccup got pelted in the face with a dodgeball, courtesy of Snotlout, almost breaking his glasses and causing his mouth to bleed from where the wires cut his gums. But for some reason, he still met in the clearing with him and hung out with him, and still referred to himself as Hiccup's "best friend".

'Huh. He doesn't even know what being a best friend means.' Hiccup thought bitterly. He had finally reached the bus stop, and to his surprise, no one else was there. He pulled out his cell phone, one he had gotten on his birthday, from his pocket to see if Jack had texted him, since he had also gotten one on his birthday, which was on January 21st. When he saw that there was no new message from Jack, he texted him himself.

'where are you?' Sent.

*ding*

'oh yea my mom decided to drive us all to school… sorry i forgot to tell you.'

Hiccup sighs at the message, hurt that Jack forgot about him. Again.

'it's fine. see you at school.' Sent. His phone dinged again, but he ignored it this time. Dagur and his friends showed up and he quickly shoved his phone in his pocket before they tried to take it. He just stood there as the torrent of names were thrown at him, and even ignored it when Dagur pushed him just as the bus was pulling up.

He stood back up and climbed on the bus. He picked the closest seat to the front that had an empty seat, next to the girl Hiccup always sat next to. Except this time was different. She wasn't wearing her normal black velvet zip up jacket, exposing her arms. Hiccups eyes trail down her bare arms, stopping in shock at the multitude of scars on her forearms. There were so many. His curiosity got the best of him and he opened his mouth to talk to the girl, who was still staring out the window. "Um.. excuse me?"

The girls head turns and looks at Hiccup. "Are you talking to me?" This is the first time Hiccup has ever heard her speak. Her voice was soft, but it was filled with sadness. Hiccup nods his head at her question, "Yeah.. um… what happened to your arms?" The girls hazel eyes glance down at her arms and she wraps them around herself, concealing them as much as possible. "You don't want to know, kid." and she turns to look back out the window. But Hiccup's curiosity didn't stop there.

"Did you do that to yourself?" the girl sighs and looks back at Hiccup. "You aren't gonna stop are you?" Hiccup's face gets filled with hurt and he turns away from her. "I'm sorry, i'll leave you alone."

'See? You annoy everyone Hiccup, even a girl you just started talking to.'

Hiccup was drawn out of his thoughts when he heard the girl sigh and start talking. "Yes, i did this to myself." Hiccups eyes widened, "Why?" The girl looks into Hiccups wide green eyes, and sees a reflection of how she was feeling.

Sad. Broken. Unloved. Unimportant. Wanting to make the feeling stop, even just for a little bit.

"I did it because I was sad. Sometimes i felt like couldn't breathe, the feeling was so suffocating. And when I would do this, the feeling would go away for a bit. I wouldn't feel so trapped, and like i could feel something else other than this sinking feeling in my gut. It made me feel better about things and like i was in control of how i felt."

Hiccups eyes were wide as he took in every word. The first thing that came to his mind was the day he tried to kill himself, and how it felt when the knife cut into his skin. The relief.

'Is that the feeling she was talking about?'

"So it makes the feeling go away? All you have to do is hide it? And it doesn't have to be permanent, like you don't have to kill yourself to make the feeling go away?" Hiccup says, all while looking down at the curved scar on his wrist. The girls eyes follow his and she shakes her head, "When did you do that?" His eyes shyly meet hers. "When I was 7." She shakes her head in disbelief before sighing, "Yeah it makes the feeling go away, for a little bit at least. That's why you have to keep doing it. And yeah, or else your assholes of parents will send you off to therapy or a psych ward. And no, you don't, even though some people do." Her eyes cast down at the last sentence and she turns her head back to the window. Hiccup doesn't bother saying anything else, seeing that the conversation is over.

He spends the rest of the day at school thinking about what she had said, the words constantly repeating themselves in his head, even as he got off the bus to walk home. He was completely lost in his thoughts when he was pushed to the ground, in the same fashion as that morning. He doesn't bother looking up because he knows it as Dagur. His thoughts were proven right when he was suddenly hauled up by his backpack, coming face to face with him.

"So you think you can just ignore me like i'm not even here? I mean I take the time out of my day just to fuck with you Hiccup." Dagur practically spat out. He was now 14, and much bigger than everyone. The only two that rivaled his size were Bunny and Snotlout. He obviously had a much more 'adult' vocabulary than most of the other kids. Jack and all his friends followed off the bus laughing, which stopped when they heard Dagur's words. Hiccups eyes lock with Jacks, whose were wide with worry. Hiccup mentally scoffs. 'He doesn't care…'

"Hey! Did you hear me?" Dagur shakes Hiccup by the straps of his bag. "You know what? I think I might make your ears hear something since you like to ignore me." Hiccup is suddenly pulled from his bag, which Dagur now has in his hands. "No! Give it back!" Hiccup yells, trying to get out of his friend grips. Dagur just laughs as the other group of kids just watch. Dagur unzips Hiccups bag and dumps everything out, before dropping the bag down. The first thing that catches his eye is the dark red sketch book, and the multitude of dragon pins lacing the straps.

"Well well well, look at what we have here." To Hiccups horror, he picks up the bag again and pokes at each of the pins. He looks back at Hiccup and smiles as he grabs the first pin, ripping it from the bag, effectively breaking it. Hiccup starts yelling at him to stop, but it's no use. He doesn't stop until every single pin is broken. Jack and everyone else stare in shock, but don't move to help. Dagur then pulls a pocketknife out of his pocket and starts scratching away at the paint on each pin. By now there are tears running down Hiccup's face. All the pins are now destroyed, unfixable. Dagur drops them on the ground and kicks them away.

"You know, I don't think that was enough." He bends down and picks up the sketchbook. Hiccup starts thrashing in Dagur's friends arms, yelling, "No! No! Please! Please don't! Beat me up! I don't care! Just please don't!" The tears starts falling harder and faster when Dagur scrolls through the pages before he starts to rip the pages out and tear them into pieces.

The group behind is watching everything in horror, but once again, no one, not even Jack, steps in to stop him. When he is done, he picks up the destroyed pages and drops them in front of Hiccup's face, who is speechless. Tears silently run down his face, his chest aching, as if he can feel his heart breaking as he watches the torn pages fall. Dagur chuckles and nods his head to his friends, who push Hiccup to the ground, scraping his knees. His head is down and his hands are holding his weak body up. His body is shaking and tears are constantly dripping from his face. His eyes are unblinking as he stares with wide eyes at his destroyed possessions.

Dagur and his friends walk away, looking at the group of kids watching. Bunny, Snotlout, the twins, Astrid, and Camicazi glare at him as he walks by. Yeah they sometimes mess with Hiccup, but they would never do that, ever. Tooth, Sandy, and Fishlegs look at him in fear, and Pitch stares with emotionless eyes. Jack on the other hand, hasn't taken his eyes off of Hiccup. He has never seen him this defeated. This broken. It breaks his heart, and he is about to walk over to him, completely forgetting about his friends, when someone grabs his arm. He turns around with anger in his eyes to see Bunny. He shakes his head and starts pulling him away. He doesn't fight back, letting himself be pulled away as they all walked away from the heartbroken boy, taking one last look over his shoulder to see Hiccup hasn't moved. He walks away.

Hiccup listens as the everyone starts to walk away. His heart breaks even more inside when he doesn't hear Jack approach. He doesn't hear him say anything.

'I knew I couldn't count on him anymore. He isn't my best friend anymore. He cares more about his other friends than me. He doesn't like me anymore. Jack doesn't care about me anymore.'

Hiccups thoughts make him release a sob, before he starts to fully cry. His tears drip off his face and make the pages beneath him wet. He stays in the same spot until the sun start to go down, knowing his parents will be worried. 'Yeah but probably not much.' His tears have long since dried, now he was just in a empty trance. He starts putting everything back in his bag, even the destroyed pins and sketchbook. He is almost done when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

Jack.

"Hiccup… I… I'm so sorry." Jack says, his lower lip trembling slightly. Hiccup bitterly scoffs, and continues putting things in his bag before standing up. "No. You don't. Because if you did, you would have done something. But you didn't. So no, Jack, you don't." he says while looking Jack in the eyes, whose tears finally fall at Hiccup words.

"Hiccup, I wanted to. I wanted to so bad, but Bunny held me back and-" he was cut off by Hiccup's voice. "Really? Thats your excuse? Wow Jack. You know what Jack? I'm going home." and he walked passed Jack, tears starting to well in his eyes again. He wanted to say so much more to him, but words couldn't describe how hurt Hiccup was because of Jack. Because of everything he did. Well didn't do.

"No Hiccup, wait!" and Jack reaches out to grab Hiccup's arm, who rips it out of his grasp. "Leave me alone, Jack." Hiccup says quietly. "No Hiccup, please-" Hiccup turns around and shoves Jack away. "I said leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you Jack. So just go away!" Hiccup glares at Jack, who looked at Hiccup with tears running down his face. Hiccup closed his eyes, and his tears start to fall again. He shakes his head and turns around to walk away, before going to a full run, leaving Jack in the same spot, not bothering to turn around to look back at him as he runs all the way home.

Jack watching as Hiccup turns around and starts running further and further away. He doesn't bother going after him, knowing that he already made Hiccup upset. No. Upset doesn't cover how Jack knows he made Hiccup feel. He drops his head and start walking home.

Hiccup runs up his porch steps and into the house. He ignores his parents worried questions and goes upstairs to his bedroom. He doesn't want them to see that he had been crying. He hears a knock on his door right after he sat on his bed.

"Hiccup, are you alright?" his mother's voice comes through the door. Hiccup clears his throat before answering, "Yeah i'm okay, just tired." He hoped that sounded convincing enough. "Well why were you out so late? It's sundown Hiccup." Hiccup knew he had to lie. He hated lying, especially to his parents, but he didn't want them to know about what happened. "Um, I was hanging out with Jack in the woods, you know, where we normally do. I'm sorry i didn't tell you first." he lets out a breath when he finishes his sentence. He hoped she bought it.

"Okay sweetie, well get some rest okay? Me and your father both have to work tonight, so i'll leave something out for you to eat, okay?" Hiccup sighs in relief before yelling out an "okay" and listens as she walks away. He stays in his room until he hears the front door close and his parents individual cars drive away. He opens his bedroom door slowly, and peeks over the stairwell railing, making sure they are gone. Once he is sure he is completely alone in the house, he runs to the bathroom and shuts the door.

He had a lot of time to think in his room, and when he was sitting on the sidewalk. He made up his mind. He wanted to see what it felt like. To have that feeling go away. To cut.

He pulls the small screwdriver from his pocket and sets it on the counter. He squats down and starts rummaging through the cabinet. He finally pulls his hand away and in his hand is a pack of cheap shaving razors. He rips open the bag and pulls one out. It had 3 individual razors in it. He grabs the screwdriver and starts undoing the screws holding the razor in place. The razors fall out onto the floor, making a light clinking sound as they hit the tile. Hiccup slowly puts the bag and screwdriver down and looks at the razors on the floor. He reaches out to pick them up, when one accidently cuts his finger. He pulls his hand away and winces. It didn't hurt, and the more he looked at it, the more it made him feel better. To see the blood welling on the tip of his finger from the little cut.

He quickly, but carefully picks the razors up. He gets up from the floor and puts them on the counter. He takes off his shirt and looks in the mirror. His bony, lanky frame, covered in freckles stares back at him.

'I'm so ugly. No wonder no one likes me. No one likes someone as skinny as me. And my freckles. Theyre everywhere. Theyre so ugly.' Hiccup runs his hands over his ribcage, which stuck out a little from how skinny he was. His hands trail down to his hips, which do the same thing. His hands cross over his body and touch his shoulders. 'Im so tiny. No one could like me like this. I have no muscle. I'm not attractive.' His hands go up to his face and lightly touch it. 'I'm so ugly. My nose is ugly. My lips are ugly. These stupid braces are ugly. My eyes are so ugly they can't even see correctly.' He takes off his glasses as tears start falling from his eyes. His image is blurred now but he can still see his body. He slowly takes off his pants, taking his underwear with them. He stares down at his naked body. A sob escapes his mouth as he remembers what happened behind the school when he was seven. Everything they said about his body. How ugly it was. To him, nothing had changed. He was still ugly as before. He looks at his thin legs, them also being covered in freckles. He looks at his knees, the ones that always made him stumble and make him look like and idiot.

He shook his head and let out another sob as the thoughts kept getting louder and louder in his head. He picked up a razor and held out his arm. He pressed it onto his skin, a little lower than his elbow. He places it at an angle before closing his eyes. Hiccup drags the razor across his skin.

Hiccup gasps and opens his eyes to see blood welling where the cut was made. It wasn't a big cut, probably only about a inch, maybe an inch and a half. Hiccup looks in the mirror and drops his arm, watching as the blood slowly trailed down his arm. He closes his eyes and drops his head back. He couldn't believe it. The feeling. He actually felt a little better. The relief from what he was feeling inside. 'She was right. It feels so good.'

But it wasn't enough. The voices and sadness started creeping its way back in. Hiccup sniffled from the tears that were still running down his face, not so much from sadness, but from the relief that he got when the blade ran across his skin. He raised his arm back up and was about to cut his arm again, but he realized that would be too obvious. He looked at his body and looked at his side. 'Perfect. No one will see it as long as I don't take off my shirt, and that's not going to happen anytime soon.'

He presses the blade to his side and quickly drags it across, slightly downward, on his skin. He gives a small smile at the blood welling and the slight sting that came from it. He gives his side two more cuts, and does one more on his thigh. He is panting by the time he is done, but can't help but smile. He is still crying but from the relief of not feeling that same dreading, depressing, sad feeling. He feels better. He breathes deeply and looks in the mirror. He is still dripping blood, from now many parts of his body. He lets out the breath and starts cleaning up the mess on the counter and floor. When he is done he starts the shower and gets in.

When the hot water initially hits his skin, it stings, a lot. But soon it goes away and replaces it with a nice, dull feeling. The water washing down the drain is dark pink in color until the bleeding stops due to the water. After about 30 minutes, he gets out. He dries himself off with a dark colored towel, but still being careful of the cuts, which have started welling up with blood again. He reaches under the sink again and finds disinfecting creams and bandages. 'Perfect.'

He covers each cut in little bit of cream and covers each one in a bandage. He nods in a approval of each bandage, and walks out of the bathroom, towel around his body. He gets dressed into his night clothes, which were night pants and a long sleeved shirt, so if his parents came in to check on him, they wouldn't be able to see anything. Hiccup looks at the bag sitting on his floor and decides to deal with it tomorrow. He quickly checks his phone and sees he has five new messages from Jack. He sighs and once again decides to deal with it tomorrow. Hiccups covers up with blankets and closes his eyes, making a silent promise to himself that he would only do this once every couple of weeks. He slowly drifts off to sleep.

The next morning Hiccup gets up quite early, around 6:30. Today is Saturday. He goes downstairs and pours himself a bowl of cereal. He eats in silence as his parents come down stairs. They greet him good morning and comment on how early he was up. "I just went to bed early last night." Stoick ruffles Hiccups hair and then both of his parents go about their days. Hiccup puts his bowl in the sink and goes upstairs. He walks into the bathroom and checks his bandages. He slowly peels each one off and sighs when he finds they have all stopped bleeding. 'Well that's good, but I don't want to risk it.' and he puts another bandage on each one.

He is about to go get changed out of his night clothes when he hears the doorbell ring. He looks at the clock in his bedroom and sees its only 7:15. 'Who could be here this early?' Hiccup walks downstairs and opens the front door. He doesn't have time to see who it is before he is taken into someones arms. He has hugged this person so many times he knows exactly who it is. Jack.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Hiccup asks not even hugging Jack back.

"Why haven't you answered my texts? And I'm here because i'm sorry." Jack lets go of Hiccup. His face is filled with regret and disappointment in himself.

Hiccup had completely forgotten about Jacks texts. "I… I forgot about them. I went to bed early last night." Hiccup didn't dare tell Jack exactly why, so he hoped he would just put it on everything that happened with Dagur. "Oh… well that's okay, i don't mind." Jack puts on a awkward smile. They both just stand there is silence before Jack speaks, "I can go if you want…" and he looks at the ground. When Hiccup doesn't respond, Jack turns around and starts going down the stairs. Hiccups watches him go, before sighing and calling to him, "Jack, do you wanna watch some tv?"

Jack turns around at Hiccups voice and runs up the stairs to hug Hiccup. Hiccup winces from the pressure on his cuts, but smiles and hugs Jack back. It was nice hugging him again. They both went inside and watched silly cartoons, with Hiccup actually laughing at the show and Jacks crazy antics.

Things were okay for now. Hiccup and Jack were okay, but Hiccup still had that gnawing feeling in the back of his head, still telling him that things were not okay between them, and with himself. As time passed though, cutting once a couple of weeks turned into cutting a couple of times every couple of weeks, to cutting a couple times per week, and then soon, it was down to cutting every couple of days. It was like an addiction Hiccup couldn't stop.

Jack and everyone else remained oblivious, which made Hiccup immensely happy. Almost two years later, Hiccups body was covered in scars. There weren't many on his forearms, to keep things less obvious but as you started going up his body, to his shoulders and chest, the amount of cuts started to get larger and larger. His abdomen was covered in cuts, all different sizes and positions. His hips and legs had them too.

He never took off his shirt, even for the summer months, and wore long sleeves or a jacket as often as he could. He could wear shorts, because the cuts barely reached past his knees. His parents even commented on how much happier he seemed as the months went by. He had found out that the girl on the bus moved and had been sent to a psych ward and a rehab facility because she tried to kill herself. 'I'll never let myself get that bad.' Hiccup would constantly tell himself.

Jacks 14th birthday was approaching and he had just got done putting bandages over his new cuts. He was now looking out the living room window, Jack at his side, going on about some crazy thing Camicazi did in class. He was beginning to talk about her a lot, and Hiccup actually wondered if Jack might have a crush on her. Hiccup watched the snow falling outside and curled into the thick furry blanket more. He joined Jack on the conversation and thought in the back of his head as he smiled at Jack,

"I wonder what i'm gonna get Jack for his birthday."

Okay! Well that took forever to write. Anyway i hope you guys like it and yes the next chapter might be kinda short because it will be Jacks 14th birthday party. If you have any questions, just ask me in the comments or message me. Thank you so much for reading, and i hope you enjoyed.