I want to thank all of my lovely readers for their kind and faithful reviews! There's nothing I love more than when my IPhone 'dings' and I get another one. Thank you!
The following chapter has some bad words - my apologies if that offends but it seems fitting for the scene. It's another short one - more soon.
He woke up in a shitty mood. He knew it the moment he opened his eyes but did nothing to try and stop it. He'd had a lousy night's sleep - he'd woken up gasping, the covers all tangled around him and his heart to thudding wildly.
He had gotten up to try and calm down, to clear his mind of the images that kept repeating over and over again. Of course it didn't work. They kept intruding, kept forcing themselves into his mind and memory. He'd really thought he was getting over it, getting better, but this had been the worst one yet. He had held his hands out, disgusted to see how badly they were shaking.
He'd eventually gotten back to sleep, but not before spending hours staring out of the window. Nothing he had done had seemed to work and he wondered if anything would.
He got up out of bed, debating whether to take a shower, but decided against it. If Sam objected she could just go – hell, it was her place – at least her friends' place so he guessed he really couldn't tell her to do that but she'd just have to put up with him.
"Morning Jack", she smiled at him, looking way too happy, as far as he was concerned. He grunted and grabbed a mug and poured himself a coffee.
"Did you have anything you wanted to do today?" She was standing over the stove preparing scrambled eggs.
He hated scrambled eggs, forgetting completely that he'd enjoyed them a few days ago. "Do we always have to do something Carter? Maybe I just feel like resting today."
She glanced at him in surprise, finally seeming to sense his mood. "That's fine Sir. Why don't you do that and I'll head into town. I wanted to pick up some things anyway."
"Mmmm" he grunted again, taking a sip of his coffee. "Damn! It's too hot", he glared at her. He hated when he burned his tongue.
She didn't reply, but instead kept her eyes on the eggs. It irritated him because he wanted – no needed someone to fight with. "I don't want eggs", he griped. "Isn't there anything else?"
She sighed, recognizing that nothing she did was going to make him happy. At the same time, her feelings of guilt and remorse were such that she pretty much figured she deserved whatever she got. "What else would you like?" She tried to sound as agreeable as possible, although what she really wanted to do was tell him to go have a time out until his mood improved.
"I don't know Carter. This is your place – you know what you have better than me."
Since Jack had helped her with the shopping that statement was singularly untrue. She sighed again. "How about some toast and jam."
"Fine", he answered, sounding disgruntled. She turned off the eggs and went and got the bread and the toaster.
He'd barely touched his toast when he stood up. "I'm going to go for a shower." Without waiting for her reply he left the kitchen.
"What's wrong with you Colonel?", she shook her head. She grabbed his plate and threw the remaining toast in the garbage and then stomped to the sink. "Men!"
Jack didn't come out of the shower feeling any better. If anything, he felt worse. That pesky little voice in his head – the one he wanted to shoot with his P-90 – kept telling him to get away for a while, to clear out before he said or did something stupid. Unfortunately the other voice, the one that woke him up this morning, told him to stay and have it out with Sam.
Of course the question was have what out. If the incident on that F'ing planet wasn't her fault then there really wasn't anything to talk about. They both just had to get over it. The trouble was he couldn't – and right now he was pissed. She'd done this to him and he – hated her for it.
He towel dried his hair and then slung the damp towel around his waist. On top of everything else he'd left his damn clothes in his bedroom. Normally he was careful about that since he was here alone with Carter. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with him walking around half naked. It would have been bad on a normal day – after the Amazon incident it was especially dangerous.
"Sir!" Her voice stopped him dead in his tracks.
Crap! Of course he'd run into her while he was coming out of the shower in nothing but a towel. It was that kind of day – that miserable, crappy, horrible, shitty, F'd up day! "Sorry", he mumbled as he tried to sneak past her. It was only when she didn't move that he looked at her fully – to see her staring in horror at his chest.
F-k! He slowly looked down at himself – something he'd avoided now for weeks – and there it was, in all its glory. The SCAR.
In actual fact, there were a number of scars. Many of them he'd collected over the years, fighting various enemies from the home-grown to the weirdest of aliens. Right now however, he sported some brand new ones, which were practically etched in neon. Most of them would probably fade in time, although a few of the deeper ones would remain. The worst one was the one when S – she had bit him. He'd had to have stitches and it had gotten slightly infected. The one time recently he'd looked at it he'd winced. It looked bad – really bad. In fact, it looked exactly like what it was – a bite mark right around his nipple. Right now he expected it was so obvious it was practically shouting at her.
"Did I do that?" she asked softly, her voice throbbing with anguish.
"What? This little thing?" he pointed to his chest. "Don't you remember? I thought I was more memorable than that Carter."
Her eyes lifted to his in shock. His tone had been anything but friendly. He could see her bite back her response.
"I – it's rather hazy. I – God – I'm so sorry!"
"I'm afraid that sorry doesn't cut it – oh forgive me – I guess you already did cut it! Yeah, I get to try and explain this one in the locker room. It's gonna be so much fun!"
"I thought you said you didn't blame me", she said softly, sounding hurt.
"Blame you? Whoever said I blame you Major – oops sorry, guess you're not a Major now, are you? No, I don't blame you in the least." Even he winced at the insincerity of that one. "I'd better get dressed", he told her. Better get out of here Jack, he said to himself, before you really blow it.
"No, you do blame me." She stepped towards him, which prevented him from getting past her. He instantly moved back.
"No", he finally answered, breathing out a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry Sam – I'm in a bad mood. You should just let me", he gestured with his hand towards his room.
"Do you really believe I wanted to do that", she pointed to his chest. "That I wanted to hurt you? It was the damn machine Sir – you know that."
"Do I?" he finally asked. He shook his head. "Yeah – I do. I told you – I'm in a –"
"- bad mood. Yes, I know, but I think this is the real truth. I think you do blame me – just like I blame myself."
He could feel the anger start to rise again – why he couldn't quite say. Okay – you want to have it out Sam, then fine by me. "You blame yourself? See Carter, I could never quite figure that out. If you truly weren't guilty – if you really couldn't help yourself and it was that machine, then why are you do damned guilty? You wouldn't have had such a hard time agreeing with all those people who told you that you couldn't help what you did unless you knew something. I've watched you wallow in guilt Carter. Why is that? Is it because you really did want to hurt me – maybe just a little bit."
"Hurt you?" Her forehead crinkled in confusion. "Why would I want to hurt you? You're my friend."
"Yeah – except for years you've had to listen to me, to obey me. I bet that galls, doesn't it? I bet you resent the hell out of it. I mean, you're so much smarter than me. Having to listen to an old, ignorant sol-"
"How dare you! How dare you even suggest such a thing!" she spat at him. "I have never – ever – resented you, in all the years we've worked together. Have there been times when I disagreed with you – of course. Have there been times when I've even been mad at you – yeah. Have there been times when I've lost respect for you or resented you? Never! How dare you even suggest such a thing!"
"Wow, if it isn't Saint Sam", he sneered. "Never? You've just been happy being my second in command all these years."
"Yes, I have!"
As pissy as he still felt, there was a part of him that warmed immediately at her words. Still, a bigger part of him continued to want to lash out – to hurt her as much as he'd been hurt. She'd taken away his power, his control, his self respect. Rationally he knew he wasn't being fair, that it wasn't her fault. Emotionally he wanted to inflict some pain.
"So – if you loved working with me – why did you do it? Or if it really wasn't your fault, why all the guilt?" Even that he knew was ridiculous but hell – he was being a jerk so he might as well take it to the nth degree.
"Because."
"That's your answer? Because? And they tell me you're a genius!"
"What's wrong with you?" She suddenly stood up straight and faced him dead on. "You come here, Colonel 'I have to look after the world because I'm Jack O'Neill' and invade my space. You spend days not talking, pretending that everything is okay and then this? I don't need it Colonel. I don't report to you anymore. In case you've forgotten, I'm not in the Air Force so I don't have to put up with your shit."
"Yes – and why is that Major – oops – I mean Carter. Why the hell did you quit? Couldn't take the heat? Thought that running was easier?"
"Well you should know Colonel, shouldn't you? Isn't that exactly what you did? Daniel told me you'd quit after – that you'd quit and you only came back because you thought the trip to Abydos was a suicide mission. I guess you couldn't take the heat either."
"Don't you dare bring that up! That was a long time ago and has nothing to do with this." He was practically shouting by this time he was so angry. A part of him now registered that Sam was equally as angry. Good, now they could have a real fight.
"So you don't want to talk about it? Well that's a surprise. You never want to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. You just want everything to go on the way it was and ignore what happened, isn't that right."
"Who said anything about ignoring it? I can't ignore it. Every time I look in the goddamn mirror I see this!" He pointed to his chest. "Not exactly easy to ignore is it? " He stopped and took a couple of shallow breaths. His chest was too tight to take deep ones. "So tell me – why did you run away?"
There was a brief moment of silence and then - "If you must know, I did it for you?"
"For me? Hey, I didn't ask you to do me any favors."
"No, you didn't, because you'll never ask for anything. You always have to be the one to give, to help, to save. But you see, I did it because you're my friend – or at least I thought you were – and I knew you'd be uncomfortable if I stayed around, that you'd hate me and that you'd be better off without me."
"How the hell could I be better off without you", he shouted. "I need you. Don't you get it? Without you around it's – it's just not the same! You just took off Carter – you left me – without even saying goodbye. After everything, I –" He stopped, suddenly confused. Why was he angry- because of what she'd done on the planet or because she'd left – or was it both or neither. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the hallway wall. "You shouldn't have left."
"And I shouldn't have hurt you", she said, sounding quiet and sad. "I – hate the fact that I hurt you. I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it, nothing I could do about it – so I left."
"It wasn't your fault", he said, suddenly feeling tired.
"Wasn't it? That's what everyone keeps saying but I think I was right – and I think you agree with me. I think it was my fault."
He opened his eyes – confused and worried at her words. "What do you mean? Sam, look – I was – I am a bastard. I know you didn't want to hurt me, wouldn't have, if it wasn't for that damned Amazon thing. I'm – I'm sorry about all of this. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I didn't mean to say those things."
"No – it's okay – I deserved it. I think I actually feel better now. You were so nice before that I really felt like hell" She smiled slightly. "But you are right about one thing and that's that I didn't want to hurt you – I'd never want that."
She looked unutterably sad, just standing in the hall, her arms wrapped around hersel. Part of him wanted to open his arms, to say 'C'mere' and to hold her and comfort her. But the stronger part, the part that was still full of anger and fear wouldn't let him. Instead he just watched as she suffered. Good friend you are Jack!
"Then what's wrong? I don't understand." The anger was slowly leaving him – he still didn't know what had caused it – but now he was full of guilt for what he'd said to her. God – they were both so screwed up.
"Jack – don't you see – I didn't want to hurt you but – but the other …" Her words petered out and she stopped.
"Other? What are you talking about Sam?"
She shook her head slightly and then stopped. How could she continue? But then she looked at the man in front of her and knew she had to. It was time to be honest – even if it ended up hurting her.
"I keep wondering what would have happened if was someone else had been there – like Daniel or Teal'c. Would I have been able to stop myself? I somehow think that maybe I could have. I think I'm guilty because – because I wanted you Jack. I wanted something to happen. I wanted to know what you felt like – what it was like to make love with you. You see, I am a terrible person. I think – I think I couldn't stop because of that – because I wanted you – because I loved you."
He swallowed, since that was about the only thing he could do right now. All other mental and physical functions had ceased operating at her words, or at least that's what it felt like. What had she said? Two small lines appeared in between his eyes. They were the only outward sign that he couldn't figure out what the hell had just happened. What – had – she – said? Think Jack, think.
Sam was starting to worry. Oh God – she shouldn't have said it. Why had she said it? He was going to hate her, to despise her. He didn't need this. What was she thinking?
Jack cleared his throat. "Uh – what – did you say?" He'd probably just imagined it. She really couldn't have said what he thought she'd said.
"Nothing", she whispered. Please God, let him have missed it.
"No, no you said something. Sam – did you say - ?"
She gave a tiny, tiny nod (maybe he'd miss that one?).
"Did you mean it?" he frowned.
She nodded again. It was too late anyway – she was already screwed – she might as well go all the way.
"So – you feel guilty because you think this happened as a result of the fact that you -" He blinked, unable to continue. She'd just said she loved him. Without warning, that slightly warm feeling of a few minutes ago grew and grew until it filled his whole body. The anger fell away as if it had never been. Even the fear was diminishing. He wanted to holler – to yell – to tell her he loved her too.
He smiled slowly. "You know, if it had been Teal'c or Daniel – I would have had to shoot them."