A/N: So sorry…so very sorry. I'm so sorry the next part took too long. Alerts are working fine; it's me who isn't. I'm in the middle of working my shifting papers and it's so stressful. Plus I'm stuck with this very story. It's sad, I know. But I'm recuperating. My story outline layout is better than where I am now.

But as I sort that thing out, enjoy this. It's angst you want? ANGST YOU GET.

And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go

After I was discharged from the hospital, Mac invited me to stay with him. The department didn't want me tiring myself out so they gave me temporary resignation status. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health but she did say that because of the stress I've been putting myself through – and not to mention my age, I might have a risky pregnancy.

Mac said it would be best if I stay at home. Home meaning, his house. He promised to be home every night, in time for dinner. And he did keep to that promise. It took me quite a while to adapt a domestic role around his – he insists I call it our – house. I've been living alone for almost all my life: cooking for one, shopping for one, doing only one load of laundry, sleeping alone with the whole bed to myself. Now, I have someone to do my laundry for me (Mac does). And I've learned to maneuver in and around the Asian food isle because he adores stir-fry and rice cakes.

I must admit that it's kind of nice to sleep and wake up in somebody's arms with a 'good night' and 'good morning' kiss. In the middle of the night, I feel him pulling the blanket over my toes; I kick it off as soon as his head hits the pillow. He's a very light sleeper; we both are. So we would spend long nights just talking… cases, movies, Danny, the news for the week, his frustrations, Flack, my hormones, our baby and the one topic that surprised us both: our future. We were avoiding talking about that at first but I guess we're in this together; it's inevitable.

Sure, we have made love since he invited me to live with him. Never have I been so close to another person before. Mac was so gentle with his movements that it brought tears to my eyes. It scared him the first time; he thought he hurt me. But he never could hurt me. We would achieve completion together and every single time, my name escaped his lips. There would be nights were he'd be spooned against me after a session of lovemaking, just whispering sweet nothings in my ear until we both fall asleep.

I started feeling my baby more around the middle of the fourth month. I kept telling Mac about it and he had started talking to our baby already. He was really excited. I was too, but in the back of my mind, something wasn't quite right. Yes, I was happy yet… I don't know. I don't suspect him of cheating – hell, I don't have a right to accuse him of anything since we weren't really in a serious, formal relationship after all. We fell into this arrangement because of my situation, our baby. Heck, I'm not even sure if we're boyfriend or girlfriend. We had no talks concerning that and no confirmation whatsoever. As far as I know, he's being a very responsible man.

But I knew that he loved me. I loved him. And here we are, skirting around a profound subject matter. I don't want him to think that I'm expecting something from him or him expecting something from me. One moment, I'm in love with my boss. The next, I'm pregnant with my boss's son or daughter. It's so confusing – how we want the things we don't have only to realize that you're not 100 percent happy with it once you have it.

I know I might come off as being selfish but that was what I'm feeling. There is something missing between Mac and I. I'm not even sure if that something is missing. I feel it is something lost.

We had a lot of sacrifices going into what we have now, whatever it is. I had to leave my job (for a while). I couldn't even go to the lab because of all the chemicals they deal with in there. On his part, he stopped doing overtime more than he is allowed. Since I don't work, his expenses doubled – more when the baby comes. And I also saw one potential casualty… our friendship.

Friendship and a rather intimate (albeit twisted) relationship are two very different things. Friends have barriers, places where one have to stay away from and respect. Mac and I had 12 years and a lot of elbow grease to master that art. Moving from that arrangement – where there are still aspects that are hands-off – to this one where one tends to bare every inch of his/her being is a huge change. We are literally and figuratively thrust into the latter, thus, coming dangerously close to spoiling the prior.

I thought I could get used to this new side. I thought things would get better – or at least back to normal. We both thought so. But it actually did more harm than good. We became distant after three weeks or so. I stay at home when he's out there all day working. He comes home late, tired and not in the mood for anything. He goes straight to bed after a quick shower and a kiss goodnight. In the middle of the night, he gets called in and he's out the door the next second after he apologizes and pulls the blanket over my toes. On his day-off, he catches up on sleep. In the mornings, he wakes up before me and oftentimes, I wake up to a glass of warm milk and a croissant.

When I was just his friend, we spent every waking hour together. We would talk in the car, in the lab, at a crime scene, at Sullivan's, everywhere. But after we became… uh, well… soon-to-be parents, I'd be lucky if we have at least a dozen words between each other. On a good day, maybe twenty sans the daily greetings and endearments. I was stuck inside the house; I'd talk to my baby and somehow, I wish someone would talk back at me.

I can see and feel that I'm growing. I hoped Mac could see that too. Well, how could he if he's chasing bad guys all the time? I've often wondered what if I was still allowed to go to work. How would things be? Mac and I would've had a healthier relationship. Not like this. I was choking in his loose hold on me. I need to get out of it before it becomes toxic.

One night, Mac came home from work in a good mood. He brought be dinner and we watched a movie, sort of. Dishes ended up at the sink and most of our clothes ended up on the floor by the end of the movie. He fell asleep in my arms. It broke my heart thinking of what I was to do that night. I held him tight against me, his hand on my tummy. We could've been the perfect family. We could've been happy. Only… we weren't.

mj0621 – no, it's not the end. You know me… the longer the better. Well, as long as you guys still read it.

Paly – aw… writers block so sucks. Well, it reminded me – this Friday, I have a Spanish exam lol… wish me luck!