Chapter 9

Hermione packed her things into her heavy school trunk. Ron, Harry, and Ginny had finally persuaded her to go to The Burrow for Christmas. She wanted to just stay at Hogwarts and study, but she had given in to make her friends happy.

She sat down on the bed and stared out the window at the new snow covering the grounds. It had been almost two months since she had seen Draco. Not a minute went by that she didn't think of him. She tried to concentrate on other things, like her NEWT's coming up. She also tried to make it a point to smile for her friends. She liked to think she did a good job of fooling everyone.

Ron was being very sweet. She had refused in the end to accompany him to Hogsmeade, but he still persisted in trying to cheer her up. He walked with her to her classes, and he continued to study with her in the library. He had also begun taking her for long walks in the evenings before her duties. Sometimes he struck up a conversation, and sometimes he just walked silently beside her. Hermione was grateful for his company for the most part.

Sometimes she caught Ron staring at her with a worried expression. Did he see through her act? Surely noone could really know just how deep her depression had become. She had tried her very best to hide it, but Harry and Ron had been her best friends for a long time.

"Hermione!" called Ginny from the Common Room.

"Coming!" she called. She finished packing her trunk and then bewitched it to float down the stairs in front of her.

The Common Room was full of students waiting to catch the Hogwarts Express to go home for the holidays. Hermione sent her trunk to the portrait hole and joined Ron, Harry, and Ginny who were waiting for her by the fireplace. The excitement in the air was contagious.

"Time to be off," Harry said, taking Ginny by the hand. Hermione and Ron followed them out of the portrait hole and through the corridors to the Entrance Hall. Professor McGonagal was standing at the huge doorway, bidding the students Happy Christmas and giving instructions for returning after New Years. She patted Hermione on the shoulder briefly as she and the others left the castle.

It was not terribly cold today, so the walk to Hogsmeade Station was pleasant. The snow made everything look fresh and new, and Hermione enjoyed the walk. She could feel Ron's hand at the small of her back as if he was leading her and was afraid she would get lost. She didn't even try to stop herself from wishing the hand belonged to someone else.

They were able to find an empty compartment near the end of the train. Harry shared a bench with Ginny, and Hermione sat down with Ron by the window. Soon after they were seated, Neville Longbottom opened the compartment door.

"Do you mind if we join you?" Neville asked. He motioned to himself and Luna Lovegood who was standing closely behind him.

"Not at all, Neville," Harry said, welcoming him in.

"Thanks!"

Neville and Luna came in and sat down across from each other. Hermione realized after he sat that Neville had his mimbulus mimbletonia on his lap. It had doubled in size from the year before.

"Neville," she asked him, "how is your plant doing?"

"Oh, excellent, it's really coming along," Neville gushed. He lovingly tickled one of the boils on the plant, and it promptly showered him with stinksap. Neville grinned apologetically and pulled out his wand to clean himself off.

Hermione couldn't help herself and burst out laughing. When she stopped, she realized it had gotten quiet in the compartment. Everyone was looking at her like she had grown tentacles.

"I'm sorry, Neville," Hermione said, embarrassed. "It wasn't funny."

Neville grinned. "Actually, it was a bit funny. I think it likes to embarrass me like that." Everyone laughed while the plant crooned at him.

Harry and Ginny decided to play a game of exploding snap. Luna pulled out her ever present copy of The Quibbler, and Neville started to hum to his plant. Hermione gazed out the window for a moment, a smile still on her face. Ron watched her quietly.

"Hermione, you haven't laughed like that in ages," he said to her suddenly.

"I haven't?" Hermione hedged. She realized then that she had not been fooling him at all. She glanced at Ron quickly and then looked back out the window to watch the passing countryside. "I'm just not myself lately."

"You haven't been Hermione for a while now," Ron told her. "Sometimes I watch you and think to myself, where is she?"

"Azkaban," she mumbled, still not looking at him.

"I..." He didn't finish. Hermione turned to ask him what he was about to say and realized he wasn't looking at her anymore. His eyes were closed, and he was leaning back against the compartment wall. He seemed a million miles away from her.

Hermione had been so wrapped up in her own grief that she never realized until then that Ron was hurting too. She hadn't been able to see past her own despair just how much she had hurt him. Or maybe she just didn't want to admit it to herself. She couldn't bear the thought that she had caused him so much pain.

She knew they would have wound up together eventually. Ron had been a complete prat at times, especially when he was going out with Lavender, but she had no doubt that he cared about her. She would have been comfortable with Ron.

Then Draco had saved her. The more time she had spent with him, the more she realized she didn't want to settle for being comfortable. He made her feel more alive somehow. She wanted to feel the passion she felt when she and Draco were together. She could never feel that with Ron, no matter how hard she tried.

She loved Draco with all her heart, but she still cared for Ron. She cared for him very much. Even if a romance with him was now impossible, she still needed his friendship.

Why did she not tell Harry and Ron that she was still with Draco? She knew neither of them would have told anyone, but she had not said anything to them. Why had she not confided in her two best friends?

Deep down, she knew why. She was afraid that Ron would be angry. She couldn't stand it if that happened again, so she had made an unconscious decision to keep it from him. That decision had hurt him badly. Hermione wished she would have handled it differently now, but the time turner was long gone and there was no going back.

She glanced back over at Ron and saw that he hadn't moved. A surge of guilt went through her. She owed him an explanation – and an apology.

It was warm in the kitchen at The Burrow. Mrs. Weasley had made shepherd's pie, and Harry and Ron were both on their third helping. Ginny and Hermione just stared at them in horrified awe.

"Do you suppose one of their legs is hollow?" Ginny asked Hermione, her eyebrow raised. "How else could they eat that much?"

Hermione just shook her head and smiled. Harry had looked up at Ginny, stuck his tongue out at her, and went back to stuffing himself. Ron had ignored her altogether.

Ginny got up from the table. "I'm going up to bed. Come on, Hermione, before they explode all over us."

"All right," Hermione said with a grin. She got up and followed Ginny up to her bedroom where a cot was already set up for her use. She plopped down on it and stretched. Ginny jumped onto the bed and laid down on her stomach facing her.

"So how are you really?" Ginny asked her, her head cocked to the side and resting on her bent arms.

Hermione averted her eyes. "Fine."

"Right. And my dad is really part Grindylow. You should see him swim!"

"Okay, Ginny, I get it."

"I know you're not fine. How about you give me the truth now?" Ginny spoke sharply, but her look was kind.

Hermione sighed. Tears welled up before she could stop them. "I miss Draco so much it hurts. I spend most of my time worrying about him."

"I can see that," Ginny said. "You have basically been an inferi walking around for the last couple of months."

"I sometimes feel like he's lost to me and I'll never see him again." Hermione wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her maroon jumper.

Ginny moved a little closer to the edge of the bed. "Hermione, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can."

"What do you see in Malfoy now anyway? He was always such a prat."

Hermione thought for a moment. How could she explain it to Ginny? "Remember when Draco and I went into hiding at Grimmauld Place?"

"Yes, after the fight with the Death Eaters at your house."

"Right. Well, shortly after we got there, Draco broke down. The stress of it all finally got to him, and he lost it right in front of me."

"I bet that was terrifying."

"Not as much as you think. For the first time, I got a glimpse of how he really was. We talked and talked, and I realized he was absolutely nothing like I thought. He was so much more."

Ginny smiled. "I have to admit. When I found out he disapparated with you that night to save your life, I thought it was bloody romantic."

"Yes, I thought so too," Hermione said, remembering.

"And not to mention he is incredibly good looking."

"Ginny!" Hermione threw her pillow at Ginny's head, but she smoothly ducked.

"What?" Ginny said defensively. "Is he not incredibly good looking?"

Hermione grinned. "Yes, he is definitely incredibly good looking."

"Don't give up hope. It will all work out," Ginny said with confidence. "Of course, in the meantime Ron won't give up trying to win you back."

"I wish he would," Hermione said. "Ron is one of my best friends, Ginny. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have."

Ginny waved her hand in the air dismissively. "Don't worry about it. He will get it through his thick head eventually. For now, concentrate on relaxing and having a good Christmas."

Hermione sighed, her temporary good mood already forgotten. "How can I have a good Christmas? Draco is in Azkaban."

"Can you do anything about it right now?"

"No, but I wish I could," Hermione said. "I feel like it's my fault he's there."

Ginny frowned. "How is it your fault? Did you tell him to take the Dark Mark in the first place?"

"No, but..."

"Did you turn him in to the Ministry?"

"No, I would never do that..."

"Then explain to me why you're at fault."

"I guess that part isn't my fault," Hermione admitted.

Ginny sat up and put her hands on her hips. "No, it's not. Now you might as well try to get it off your mind for a bit and enjoy Christmas. All right? Promise?"

"I promise to try. How's that?"

"Fair enough." Ginny started to get her pyjamas off the hook by her bed when they heard a commotion downstairs. It sounded like several people had come into the house. Just then, they heard Mr. Weasley calling up the stairs.

"Hermione? Can you come down here a moment?"

Hermione glanced at Ginny who shrugged and went back to getting her pyjamas. She left her changing and descended the stairs back down to the kitchen. Harry and Ron were still there but were now sitting and rubbing their full stomachs while talking to Lupin, Kingsley, and Mr. Weasley.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley?" Hermione asked him.

"Hermione, please sit down. I have some news for you." Mr. Weasley motioned for her to join them at the table.

"Draco's hearing has been moved up," he said.

Hermione gasped. "When?" For the first time in weeks, she could feel hope building inside her.

Mr. Weasley smiled briefly. "In two days."

"Two days? He could be home for Christmas!" Hermione squealed. She thought she saw Ron tense out of the corner of her eye.

"Well, that all depends on how the hearing goes," Lupin spoke up. "I am going to speak for him, and so will Arthur. We were wondering...if...you might be willing to speak for him also."

"Yes!" Hermione cried without hesitation. "Just tell me what I need to do."

"Just tell the Wizengamot what happened this summer," Lupin told her. He wouldn't quite meet her gaze.

"Anything," Hermione said. She had the feeling something was wrong. She could sense it. "But Professor Lupin, what are you not telling me?"

Lupin didn't answer. He glanced over at Arthur who nodded curtly.

"Hermione, Draco has taken ill. That was the main reason the Ministry finally agreed to move up his hearing. If we don't get him out of Azkaban now, he won't live until February."