Here ya go! I thought I'd get another chapter out before all of the Christmasactivities take up my time starting this weekend, so I'll only be able to get that Christmas D/V story finished, if that, but I'll be working on it I promise. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, and I can't wait to hear from ya'll as always. grins. Merry Christmas! And if anybody wants to gripe at me for saying that and not 'happy holidays' (ugh) uhm, well, have fun. I'm whistling with my fingers stuck in my ears. ;) Have a great vacation (or day/s off) everybody!

Chapter 10

When the haze of agony that had dropped over Sam's senses lifted enough for her to realize that none of them knew where Vala was, she left Cameron and Teal'c in the commissary brooding over an early dinner to go look for her.

She started up at the desk outside the second elevator, but discovered that though vala had signed out for a little while, she'd come back an hour or so before. A little confused, but relieved, Sam went to Vala's room next. She was there, but…

"Vala!"

The other woman was curled on the floor in front of her dresser, and several short, dully-cut locks of black hair were scattered on top of it, in front of the mirror. On the ground a now-ruined pair of small office scissors lay pulled apart. Vala was sobbing—thick, heavy, nearly inhuman sobs that shook her from head to toe.

Sam couldn't get across the room fast enough. She kicked the broken scissors under the dresser and dropped to her knees beside her friend and pulled her up into her arms to lean her on her shoulder. "Shhh, it's okay. It'll be okay…"She could help but wince when she stroked the mussed hair that ended in jagged cuts at various intervals, as if Vala had been trying to cut her hair shorter but the scissors stuck.

"What are you doing?" Sam worried aloud, gulping.

Vala, unsurprisingly, didn't answer, but her arms wrapped around one of Carter's and clung on for dear life. Sam held on tightly in return, hoping it would help. She wasn't sure how long they sat there, until she realized that Vala was looking rather green. Sam barely towed her into the tiny bathroom in time before she vomited—or would have, if there was anything in her stomach, but it was painfully obvious that her friend either hadn't eaten anything today or had already thrown it up before.

When that ordeal was over Sam coaxed her into her bed. It was then that she noticed the doubled-over slip of paper that Vala was clutching in her hand. Sam tried to take it from her before she covered her up, but Vala wouldn't release it. Now even more worried, Sam covered her up anyway and laid a cool damp cloth on her forehead. Something was making her friend upset enough to be physically ill, and she wasn't sure if it could really only be because of the news about Daniel…his body.

It didn't take long for Vala to slip into an exhausted, fitful sleep, but Sam was grateful enough for that that she jumped at the door and opened it quickly to avoid any more knocking when someone tapped on it. She slipped into the corridor to face Mitchell and Teal'c, who were eyeing her with worried expressions.

Sam sighed. "She's upset…but right now she's asleep," she said in explanation, making it clear that the men weren't to bother her.

"Is she okay?" Cam questioned.

"She will be, I think. She just needs some time. But I think we're all going to need that." Both of the men nodded mutely in agreement. Sam hugged both of them briefly. "I think I'll stay here tonight though, just to make sure."

Teal'c nodded once, put a hand on her shoulder for a moment, and then left.

Cameron sighed. "Okay. Take care of her. Call if you need…anything." Sam squeezed his hand and smiled enough to let him know she would be all right, too.

"Thanks."

When she shut the door behind her again she realized that Vala was tossing and turning more now than before, mumbling a repeated sentence in her sleep in almost a wail. "He's not coming back…he's not coming back…"

The words were just as much a sob, and they hit Sam in the chest like a brick wall. She sank to her knees beside the bed, and her arms wrapped around her chest as if there were a hole in it. That was what it had felt like, all this time not knowing what happened to Daniel. Now that they knew, the wound, she knew, would eventually heal…but it wouldn't go out without a painful fight.

Sam was catching her breath when she saw the white slip of paper on the floor at her knee, and it took her a moment to realize that it was the same one Vala had held in her hand only a few moments before. She picked it up, not meaning to look at it at first. But she only caught one of the folds, and it fell open. The fact that all she saw was a single type paragraph confused her.

What about this could make Vala care about it so much—or be so upset about it—that she wouldn't let go of it?

She could only think that maybe it would help her understand what was wrong with her friend. Still feeling a little guilty anyway, Sam skimmed the passage…and then read it twice more. It didn't make much sense.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry about this, and I'm sorry you have to find out this way, but if I told you in person I wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. I would stay, and that's not what's best for you. You were right…We can't keep deluding ourselves, pretending the future's not coming, and the fact is—as much as I hate it—that in the end, we can't stay together. You know why. I won't do that to you, and I won't hurt you or put you in danger by staying any longer. You won't hear from me again, and I promise that in the long run, you'll realize it was best, even if you never thank me for this. I'm so, so sorry that I did this to you, stayed this long...I know it won't make it easier for either of us. And no, I'm not sorry that we had the time—just that it will hurt you now, before it gets better. I don't want you to be in pain. You deserve better than me. I will always, always love you, but I don't deserve you. Please, if you can forgive me…but I won't ask that unless you want to. You can even hate me, as long as you're happy in the end, without me. It's better that way. I hope you find someone else who can make you happy."

That was all that was on the paper, and that was confusing enough. Had Vala been seeing someone recently? And now he had left her too? Vala hadn't been upset before that morning, which meant that when she'd gone out…

"Oh no," Sam moaned aloud. Of all the times…Again it seemed as if the fates were out for Vala's blood, just as much as they had always been after Daniel.

She set the piece of paper on the nightstand, folded just as it had been when she picked it up, and sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, wondering forlornly if the galaxy would ever decide that people like Vala and Daniel had had enough. She choked on her breath when she remembered that Daniel wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

Sam woke to the sound of a door banging open against a wall. She sat up quickly, nearly panicking in worry that Vala had run off somewhere, but she relaxed when she realized that the only place her friend had gone off to was the bathroom.

She didn't relax completely, because she could hear that Vala was throwing up again-though again, there was nothing in her stomach. "Hey…" she called as she approached the door of the small bathroom off the room. "Are you okay?"

The heaving stopped, and Vala slumped back against the sink. "I'll survive," she said dryly, and she wasn't only talking about the illness. Sam came in tentatively, and sat on the lip of the shower stall. Vala's hands closed over her stomach. "I should probably eat something." She glanced down, and then really seemed to see her hair—and the fact that at least the last six inches or so had been ruined. She groaned.

Sam reached out to touch her shoulder. "Hey, it's okay…we'll get that fixed." She tugged at the split ends of her own long hair. "I could use a trim anyway." She hoped that would bring at least a ghost of a smile, but Vala only stared at her and shrugged.

"All right. Thanks."

Sam nodded. "Right…"

Vala gasped abruptly, and looked down at her empty hands, then up again, eyes wild. It wasn't a usual look for her. It was almost frightening.

"It's on the nightstand," Sam told her quickly, figuring out what she was after.

Vala jumped up immediately and ran back out into the room. Sam followed her and watched her all but jump over the bed and snatch up the note as if her life depended on it. She stood there holding it for a long moment, turned away, before something made her look back.

"Did you…?"

Sam's mouth opened, but nothing came out. She looked away.

"You did, didn't you?" Strangely enough there was no anger in the tone, no resentment. She couldn't discern what the tone was…but she still felt the need to explain.

"Vala, you scared me last night. I didn't know what was wrong with you. I didn't think even what we heard would upset you that much. I was afraid there was something else; I just needed to know if whatever was on that paper would help me help you…"

Vala shook her head tiredly. "It's…it's all right. I'm sorry I know I must have been rather scary…"

"That's an understatement."

"I'm sorry, it's just, yesterday…" She didn't finished, and she turned away again, but not before Sam caught sight of the fresh tears gathering in her eyes.

Sam went around the bed and draped a comforting around her friend's shoulders.

"If you read it, you're probably a little confused," Vala said quietly.

"Maybe…but you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I appreciate that," she whispered. "I can't…not now. Maybe I can tell you some of it…later."

Sam gave her shoulders a squeeze, concerned and worried and ragingly curious…but she couldn't push Vala. They were all having a hard time right now, and they all knew as well as anyone, working where they did, that sometimes there were secrets that had to be kept.

Sam was incredibly wonderful about everything, and Vala was thankful that she didn't ask questions all through breakfast or the drive to town. Vala had pulled her hair back into a ponytail to hide as much of the damage as possible, and they were both grateful for the excuse to get off of the base today. Cameron, of course, had sulked at being left behind, but there would be time for team things later. They would all need a lot of time together, in the near future.

Vala sighed and picked at the ragged ends in her ponytail as Carter drove. She had to admit that everything before waking up this morning was blurry past reading the note from Daniel, but she did vaguely remember wanted to change her hair. Full and thick as it had been in the past reminded her of Daniel's human life, after she'd fallen in love with him. Straight as it was now it reminded her of their more recent time together. She'd wanted at least half of it gone, enough to make a difference, enough to dull the pain that had sliced through her heart the moment she first caught a glance of herself in a reflective surface after realizing that she would never see Daniel again either.

She still wanted that, even now that she was thinking more clearly. She wanted to ease the pain, if she could. If it even helped.

After cutting off all of the damage hair and evening everything out, and then adding layers that were more flattering to her facial features…Vala was very pleased when in the end the longest layer the hairstylist left swung free just above her shoulders. She decided to redo the brown highlights, then, and this time add more and throw in a few thin blonde stripes in with the brown. Vala was very happy indeed with her shorter, pin-striped black hair when the stylist was through with it. The woman had even used a straightener and flipped the ends out in a way that even Sam had to agree suited her.

Take that, she thought bitterly. You want me to move on? I'll move on. I can have a normal life. I can live without you. We all can. We—

But the anger evaporated just as quickly as it had come, and she missed him again. She hoped Sam wasn't watching as she settled into the chair for a quick trim. She was sure her face was showing the drastic shifts in her emotions even if she didn't want it to.

With nothing to do but sit and wait for Sam to be done with having her hair trimmed, Vala's mind had time to wander, and that was a bad thing. Suddenly it was hard to breath. She needed fresh air, and an excuse not to think about anything at all.

"Sam…I'll be outside," she mumbled, barely audible. Carter looked concerned again, but she nodded, and Vala quickly retreated out to the sidewalk at the strip mall. It was getting colder as winter drew it…Christmas was coming…and the biting temperature gave her something to worry about. She pulled her coat around her tightly and shivered, but she didn't mind.

But as much as she wanted to, she couldn't force her mind to go blank, couldn't forget the piece of paper in the pocket of her jeans that stung there as if it was burning through her clothes. It wasn't that she didn't understand…she under too well, why he'd done what he did…but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

It hurt worse than anything she could remember.

A sob rose in her throat and Vala shoved it back before the grief could incapacitate her again. She didn't want to scare Sam again. Carter was trying to help her…she should at least pretend like it was working.

The door of the hair salon swung open again to emit her friend then, and Sam glanced both ways down the sidewalk before she spotted Vala and came to her. "Okay, we're done." Sam searched her face. "Do you want to go back now, or is it all right if we get something to eat?"

Vala shrugged. "That's fine."

"What are you in the mood for?"

"It doesn't matter…"

Sam sighed. "Okay." She took Vala's arm and gently towed her back to the car. "That's definitely a different look for you," she said, commenting on the hair again.

"I know…what do you think, really?"

"I really do like it. The earlier praise was not just for the hairdresser's benefit. It looks good on you."

At that point Vala really wished she could smile. "Thanks." She paused. "Yours looks good too."

"I lost maybe two inches on a trim. I don't look any different," Carter pointed out, raising an eyebrow. Vala shrugged. "Okay, let's get some food in our stomachs. I don't think either of us ate much this morning."

Her own stomach growled, and Vala had to agree. Except for a shallow bowl of cereal that morning she hadn't eaten anything in the last thirty-six hours, and even if he wasn't coming back she doubted he would want her to starve herself…

Within half an hour the two women were sequestered in a booth in the back of a coffee shop, sipping complicated coffee confection drinks and all but scarfing down pastries. It helped a little, but the fact that Sam kept looking at her with that bothersome concerned look didn't. Finally Vala set her drink down and pulled the paper out of her pocket.

"You want to know what this is, don't you?"

Sam winced and looked away guiltily. "I'm just worried about you."

Vala knew that, and she felt bad about it. Maybe the best she could do was tell as much of the truth as she could…

"I was seeing someone," she said quietly.

Carter blinked. "Oh…" as if it didn't completely surprise her. "You know, you really don't have to tell me though, if you don't want to, for some reason."

"No, I…I want to—as much as I can, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

Vala took a deep breath and squashed the pain, shutting it away into it's own little compartment in her mind and chest so that she could do this for her friend.

"You saw the note."

"Yes…"

"Well, he…he has secrets of his own. Maybe that was why we were attracted to each other. I met his while I was moping in the woods, of all places. Then until I could drive he picked me up so we could see each other…" All of that was true.

Sam sighed. "I wondered why you started disappearing for longer periods of time. That was what, two or three months ago?"

Vala nodded. "Right…I was with him, usually. He—" She swallowed hard, deciding she might as well get as close to the truth as she possibly could, so she wouldn't have to remember her story later. "He was a lot like Daniel. That's the only reason I was able to do that…see anyone at all."

"Because we still didn't know what happened?" Sam asked sympathetically.

She shrugged, but she didn't nod. That would be a lie. She knew what had happened.

"So what happened?" Sam questioned gently.

"Those secrets of his," she winced. "He had to leave…you saw what he said. I can't really explain that any better than you can." That was a lie, but it was the only one she would tell. "But considering I'm from another planet and most people on this planet believe they're alone in the universe, I can understand that some things just shouldn't be told, but…I don't know." It would probably be easier for Sam to accept if she thought everything was just as much a mystery to Vala.

She exhaled miserably. "All I know is that I went to see him after we found out about Daniel, and he was gone. All I found was this," she whispered, clutching the note and shoving it back in her pocket.

"Vala, I'm so sorry…I just don't understand. How could he—"

"It's complicated." She snapped, more harshly than she would have liked. She calmed herself down and amended. "I mean, I imagine it must have been…for him to just leave."

Carter sighed. "Does this guy have a name?"

"I don't really want to talk about him, specifically…" Vala mumbled as an evasion. Not that it wasn't true. It was painful to even think about him.

"Oh…sorry."

"It's all right." She shifted uneasily. "I mean, I…I think I saw this coming, really. I knew there was something about him…but I don't think either of us wanted to believe we should worry about it. He loved me—loves me—and…and I think I love him. I do love him." Sam was looking at her with that sad concerned expression again, and Vala swiped at her eyes and picked up her frozen coffee. "But it doesn't matter anymore."

Sam was quiet for a long moment. "Vala, it was just yesterday, everything. It's okay to still be upset."

"I am upset!" The intensity of the outburst surprised her, not what she said. She knew that what she said was true. She was upset. As much as she knew she shouldn't be angry with Daniel for trying to protect her, the whole situation upset her. "Sorry, I just—I am. I am upset. I know what he said in the letter, but I still wish he would have just talked to me first."

Sam nodded in understanding—or at least understanding of the frustration. She couldn't know, of course, what else frustrated Vala, that Daniel had ever had to die and end up as a vampire in the first place, that he was forced into a decision like this, all of it.

"There were things I wanted him to know, at least, before he left," Vala went on dejectedly. "I don't think he knew how much I really feel for him. There were a lot of things he didn't know." A fresh wave of nausea washed over her, and she grimaced. "And he didn't know that I'm pregnant."

Sam nearly choked on the sip of coffee she was taking. "What?"

"I'm pregnant," she mumbled again.

"Oh my god. So that was why you were throwing up." She stopped there, and moved around the booth's table to sit next to Vala rather than across from her. "I'm sorry, that sounded bad. What kind of reaction were you looking for?" she asked sheepishly.

Vala shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet."

Again, not a lie. No, it wasn't because they'd done anything. It was only the product of her foolishness and rash decision making. But it was still Daniel's child, and they had loved each other, in the time they'd had together, and she believed him when he said he still loved her even though he had to leave. If they hadn't been under the restrictions necessary because of what he was, to keep him from hurting herby accident…then maybe this would be a normal pregnancy.

Then again, if it were a normal pregnancy, Daniel would be alive and still working at the SGC—not presumed dead and living in Washington with a family of vampires.

Carter's arm went around her shoulder yet again. "Do you know what you're going to do?" she asked gently, and then hesitated awkwardly. What she said next seemed to be echoing Vala's own thoughts. "Are you…going to have it?"

No matter how the pregnancy had come to be, the fact that Daniel really did love her was the only thing that kept her from feeling completely horrible about doing what she'd done without asking Daniel first. She was reasonably sure she hadn't been thinking straight that night...but if they could have stayed together, maybe he would have even agreed that it was a good idea, eventually, since it was really the only viable option in his condition. Remembering Daniel loved her, had promised he would always love her...it made the pain a little bit easier to deal with.

It also made her more determined than ever to have this baby and raise it.

"What?" Vala jerked around to stare at her friend. "Are you serious? Of course I am. I've never understood the fascination women on Earth seem to have with killing their unborn children." She shuddered. "Even when I knew what Adria was, I didn't—I just couldn't do something like that."

"That's good to know," Sam sighed. That hesitation again. "You know we don't blame you, don't you? About Adria, not for any of it."

Vala squeezed her friend's hand and tried to smile, but it came out much too nervous-looking. "I know. Thank you. I just…I don't know what to do, beyond having the baby."

"We'll be here for you, you know, all of us," Carter told her. "You can be sure of that. No matter who that baby's father is, or where he is, the kid will always have a family here. So will you."

She didn't know quite what to say to that. She'd always known it, the part about her, but to know that it hadn't changed, even with this, even though she might be keeping things from them…Her throat clogged up against her will. "Thank you," Vala whispered. "And I know that this may sound horrible, after everything I've already told you, but please don't tell Cameron and Teal'c yet, or anyone. I promise I won't make you do it at all. I'll tell them, but not right now. I need more time to sort things out."

Sam looked at her for a long moment, and then pulled her into a hug. "Okay. This will all be just between you and me for now."

But Vala was still hiding things, still lying a little, and she knew it. That only made it hurt worse, even atop the gratitude she felt for Sam being so understanding.

She thanked Carter again, but this time it came out in a sob.