The rest of the day went on without any event until the evening. It had just gotten dark out and I was sprawled out on the couch having an existential crisis as usual while Elena moped in the kitchen. We had been like this for hours. Neither of us had anything to say. Elena was feeling the pressure of all the lies and I was feeling the pressure of all my guilt. We both felt pretty useless. Silent and lost in our thoughts.
That is, until we were snapped out of our dazes when Jeremy came into the kitchen. He was leaving another message on Vicki's cell pleading for her to call him back. I sank lower into the couch. God only knows how many messages he had left. The guilt was cutting deep.
"Hey, so um, do you wanna hang out tonight?" Elena made the first move. I was now anticipating the screaming match.
"We could go to the, uh, Halloween thing on in the school. Could be fun."
"Cool. Sure. Sounds uh… Sounds fun. Can't wait." Jeremy replied ambiguously with an edge of sarcasm.
"I know your upset about Vicki. I heard she called Matt." Here we go. She should have kept her mouth shut.
"But you can't be with her. She needs to get better. The best thing you can do for her is let her go."
Five, four, three, two…
"What does that even mean 'let her go'? Oh, okay, sure. Since we're such experts on letting people go right." I sunk lower into the couch, if that was even possible. I really didn't want to get involved.
I know you may not see it, but trust me Jer. It's for the best." What Elena was saying was the truth but she was fight a losing battle here.
"Look for months after Mom and Dad died, I felt like crap. Like 'nothing really even mattered crap'. Now all of a sudden I get these moments and things start to feel just a little bit better, and Vicki was in every single one of 'em. So you may not realise it, but trust me. Keeping me away from Vicki is not for the best."
With every word Jeremy spoke I could feel the pit in my stomach grow deeper. It was almost crippling and I could feel tears form in my eyes. Not just for my little brother's pain but for Vicki. She was my brother's saviour where I failed him, and this was how I repaid her. I could never repay her for what she has done for me but for my brother.
"I know you're still there." I jumped at the sound of my own name from Elena. I quickly pulled myself together and sat up to see Elena in the kitchen entrance.
"You coming tonight?" I began to make a face at her. I really wasn't in the mood for a party but there was a pleading in her eyes I couldn't refuse.
"Fine, okay. I'm sure I have an old costume lying around somewhere." I sighed.
I rooted through the back of my closet for something to wear. I found an old nun's costume and burlesque dancer's corset. What had I been thinking? I nearly emptied my entire closet until I found a pillow case with the most perfect costume inside. My old Bat Girl costume. Complete with hooded mask, elongated gloves and cape. It was truly perfect. It was black so I wouldn't stand out and thanks to the mask I wouldn't have to bother with makeup.
There was an awkward silence the whole time in the car. I sat in the back donned in my Bat Girl get up feeling ridiculous. Jeremy, who I'm surprise even came, didn't bother with wearing a costume, he just pulled the hood up on his hoodie. He seemed a bit brighter though, which I was elated to see.
Elena on the other hand seemed in an even less party mood than myself. She wore her nurse outfit from last year and I began to wonder did it make her feel awkward. The last time she wore it she had been in a relationship with Matt.
When we got to the school I decided to go find Bonnie and Caroline. The school looked awesome, it wasn't actually scary but they had definitely capture the classic haunted house feeling. However, the decoration, fog and music just made it harder to find anyone. Not to mention the costumes didn't help at all. How did I expect to find anyone? By the time I made it to the other side the school I felt my phone buzzing in my bra. What now? It was a text from Elena.
"Vicki is here. Cant find Jer!"
My breath caught in my throat and my heart began to pound like a war drum. I had to find Jeremy, or Vicki. I had to find one of them and keep them apart, ASAP. I pulled the stupid hood off my face and began frantically looking for them, running through the corridors. There was no sign of them. As I turned the corner though I saw Elena and ran to her, praying she had some good news.
"Did you find them?!" I shouted to her over the music.
"No, come on let's check out back" She replied grabbing my hand and heading for an exit.
Elena pushed hard on the fire door I could make out the sound of someone screaming over the noise of the heavy door. There was no question about it, it was Jeremy. His cries were coming from the row of school busses and Elena and I sprinted to the source.
"Vicki no!" Elena cried holding up a plank of wood she had grabbed from a bin. Vicki had Jer pushed up against a bus, he was struggling but he couldn't escape her vice grip. Elena went for Vicki with the plank but she was match for Vicki's vampire strength. She tossed Elena like a rag doll into a dumpster.
"Elena!" I screamed running to her aid but Vicki was suddenly blocking my path. Fangs out and eyes filled with blood. She looked at me like I was a total blood. I wasn't her friend anymore. To Vicki, I was now nothing but blood.
"Vicki" I said meekly, I couldn't stand the sight of her. A feral beast cornering her prey. I started to back away slowly and she tried to spring on me. I shut my eyes expecting an impact but she never got to me. Instead I heard a large bash and my eyes opened to see Stefan restraining Vicki against the school bus. There was a struggle and then Vicki dissolved under the bus.
Elena was suddenly beside me and we all looked to Stefan who looked just as afraid as the rest of us.
"Go. Get inside. Go! He ordered. I grabbled Elena's wrist and she grabbed a hold of Jeremy and we ran as fast as we could to the entrance. I could see Elena was limping, she had been hurt, and she was bleeding. This was not good at all.
I thought we were safe when we had gotten back to the door. I pulled the door open but I felt Elena being pulled from my grip. I turned quickly to see Vicki pulling Elena aside and with no hesitation she bit down on Elena's neck.
I don't know how to describe what happened to me in that moment. In a few milliseconds something changed in me. It wasn't my best friend having a meltdown. It was vicious monster trying to kill my little sister. Something feral came over me as I heard my sister's blood curdling scream. I didn't even consider my actions. I grabbed a broken plank of wood and plunged it into the beast's back.
And then there was silence as Vicki released Elena. I stood there in shock of my own actions, still holding the plank of wood in Vicki's back. Stefan came up beside me and took my hands from the wood and removed it from Vicki's back. My left hand was gushing blood from the wood but I didn't even notice the pain. She turned to me slowly, gasping for air. Her eyes wide with pain and anger. What had I done? Her eyes looked deep into mine asking me the same question. A tear escaped her eyes as Jeremy began to freak out. Thankfully Stefan grabbed him, pulling him back, trying to protect him from what was happening around him.
Vicki's skin began to change. She started to look like a corpse and as she dropped to the ground, she became one. A moment of shell-shocked silence fell over us but I snapped myself out of it, refusing to comprehend what happened just yet. I couldn't let my younger siblings see this anymore.
"Get them out of here." I breathed turning to Stefan. He started to pull Jeremy away from the scene but Elena didn't follow at first. She started to reach out to me but I flinched back.
"Elena, get out of here. Now." She looked at me with a soul crushing expression, but I didn't break yet. She turned and followed Stefan and Jeremy silently.
As soon as they were gone I crumpled to the ground beside Vicki. I could only look at her in shock. Her skin looked decomposed, her eyes were sunken into her face and blood leaked from them. Her hair was a tangled mess, more than usual. In a moment sentiment I pushed it back from her face. I was flooded with an unmeasurable amount of emotions. Rage, grief, fear to name a few. But the biggest one of them all, guilt.
My best friend was dead and it was entirely my fault. The one person in this god forsaken town who truly understood me. My brother's girlfriend, his first love. One of my closet friend's older sister. I killed her, twice! This was all my fault and there was nothing I could ever to do to make up for this. She was dead. Gone. Someone I loved gone again, and it was my fault, again! I began hyperventilating, I just couldn't breathe with all this weighing down on me. I couldn't deal with this again. I can't handle anymore loss.
"You should go. I got this." I never even heard Damon approach. I turn to look up at him and was immediately infuriated by him, he didn't look the least bit phased by all this. As I stared up at him I could feel the rage well inside me and I couldn't hold it back any longer. I sprang to my feet instantly and threw myself at him ready to claw his acidic eyes out.
"You. This is your fault." I spat as he caught me by my wrists with too much ease. He pushed me aside and looked down at Vicki. He was having none of my hysterics.
"You confuse me with someone with remorse." This time I went to slap him but he caught my wrist in an iron grip and pulled me closer. He looked me straight in the eye and whispered, "None of this matters to me. None of it." He was trying to scare me off with his indifference.
"How could this not matter?!" I fought pulling away from him. He ignored me. His apathy made me sick. This time when I went to slap him I caught him off guard. He wasn't expecting me to try again and my hand made contact with his face.
I expected him to freak out. To blow up and throw me against the side of the bus. Hell, I even expected him to hit me back. I wanted him to be angry. Instead I got silence and the most frenzied glare in return. His body suddenly became rigid with restraint. He was almost shaking with anger. He jerked forward like he was going to jump me and I flinched back. The stone cold hate in his eyes was freaking me out. I don't think I had ever been more terrified of him. Why would he not just freak out?
He let out an amused 'hmmm' and inhaled a deep breath through his nose. I felt like he was sizing me up for a meal but he did nothing.
"You need to leave. Your hand is bleeding," He spoke methodically and clearly. The restraint was killing him. "And you need to leave." He finished, I picked up on the threat and walked away silently, glaring daggers at him before I left.
When I got to the car park I was surprised to see Elena in her car. She had been crying. I said nothing as I got into the passenger seat. She said nothing as she drove us home. As we pulled up to the house I saw Stefan standing on the porch waiting for Elena. I know he had been trying to help Vicki but I still couldn't look at him. I got out of the car without a word and pushed past him. I stalked into the dark the kitchen and headed straight for the sink. I roughly pulled the stupid novelty Bat Girl gloves off and ran the cold water over the cut on my hand. I heard Elena follow me in but she headed straight up the stairs obviously to find Jeremy.
Again I was a failure as an older sister. A failure of a friend and a failure of a person. I switched off the tap and turned to the island counter gripping the edge of the counter with all my strength. My guilt was crushing me, feeding on my internal organs. Devouring my lungs. A black painful hole where my heart used to be. I was shaking trying to reel in my emotions, but it was useless.
I swung my hound across the counter and knocked everything on it off. Plates, knife block, magazine and papers. A ragged scream escaped my mouth and everything from the counter hit the cupboards beside it with a great force. I leaned back against the sink and slowly sunk to the ground crushing my knees to my chest. The pain was too much. I could barely breathe as I sobbed into my legs. I begged. I prayed for everything to stop. Everything needed to stop.
When I heard Elena coming back down the stairs I made a pathetic attempt to silence myself. There was no doubt she heard my commotions but she kept her distance. I was glad of that. She never came into the kitchen, just headed back outside and I let out huge strained breath as I heard the front door close again.
I heard the front door open again and I expected it to be Elena but it wasn't. I heard someone walk into the kitchen and felt a presence sit down next to me. I didn't look up. Whoever it was I didn't want them to see me. I didn't want them to hear the pain in my voice so I stayed silent. I heard him cough to break the silence.
"Your sister… Elena, she wants me to make Jeremy forget what happened tonight." Damon spoke awkwardly.
"Are you okay with this?" I still didn't look up or say anything. I nodded my head after a moment and I felt and heard him leave and head up the stairs. It brought me some comfort to know Jeremy wouldn't remember tonight. I didn't want him to go through this again. I didn't want him to feel like this again. He didn't deserve to remember Vicki that way, I, however, did.
I didn't deserve this to stop. I was a murderer. I was the worst excuse for a sister. Everything I touch turns to shit. Everyone I love turns to dust.
I waited to hear the front door close again but it never did. Instead I heard Damon sit back down beside me. "It's done." He said simply and we sat there in silence for an uncountable moment.
"I could make you forget, if that's what you wanted." He said gently, I didn't reply for a minute, processing what he was saying. I wanted so much to say yes, but I couldn't.
Finally I lifted my head to look at him. He had a strange look about him as he took in the sight of me. Tear soaked cheeks, red puffy eyes. I was tiny bit happy I wasn't wearing mascara, however, I realised how ridiculous I must have looked, sitting there on the ground crying in a Bat Girl suit. Underneath all my anguish and remorse I felt embarrassment. I felt pathetic.
"No." I replied sharply, choking on tears. "I don't deserve to forget."
"Why not?" He challenged.
"I'm sorry but where have you been? I murdered my best friend. From the moment I came back to this hell hole Vicki was doomed! I abandoned her and left her with you. Now, I ran a stake right through her heart." I said acidly.
"Would not rather forget it then?"
"Don't you get it! There is no easy way out for me!" I shouted getting to my feet.
"I earned this suffering. I murdered my best friend!" I was losing control of my breathing again. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest, my ears were ringing, and my whole body began to shake. I went to grab the edge of the counter to steady myself but I missed. Before I could even think I was about to fall Damon was steadying me. He had a hold of both my wrists like earlier. I saw him glance from them to me.
"Erin." He spoke making sure I was coherent.
"What?" I said breathing heavily looking at him confused.
"You're not wearing your bracelet." I looked from Damon to my wrist. How could I have been so stupid? The damn thing must have come off when I pulled the ludicrous gloves off.
"Damon, no." I began struggling in his grip. "You can't."
"Erin, Erin look at me." He ordered trying to get me to keep still. I shut my eyes tight and turned my head as far from him as I could.
"No! Damon, stop it! Let go of me! I yelled at him. I frantically tried to break free of him but he pushed me against the refrigerator.
"Shhhh, shh, shh." He began hushing me like a child. My body broke under his control and I lost the strength to struggle, but I wasn't about to give up.
"Damon. Let. Go." I spoke through my clenched teeth. My eyes still shut. I was completely trapped. He constrained me tightly against the refrigerator door, his knee pressed between my legs against the door. There was no way I was escaping now. He took both my wrists in one hand and pressed them to his chest and used the other under my chin to turn my face to his.
"Look at me Erin." He ordered again. I ignored him.
"I can do this all night Erin, just look at me." I felt his warm breath on my face and I shivered. I really didn't want to open eyes, but I wanted him off of me more. I couldn't stand being this close to him. I was scared. I held out for as long as I could but he wasn't giving me any choice. I reluctantly opened my eyes.
Damon's intense blue eyes were right before me and I was in them immediately.
"Calm down, just breathe." He said gently. He lowered his knee away but still kept a hold on my wrist and chin. I felt his hand wipe something from my cheek. Was it a tear? Was I crying? The erratic pounding in my chest slowed and my breathing began to level out, but I barely noticed. All I could focus on were his eyes. They were intoxicating.
"Now listen to me carefully Erin. You did not kill Vicki Donovan."
"Then who did? I questioned. "Who killed Vicki?"
"I did." Damon answered. "I killed Vicki. Not you. You did nothing wrong tonight. It was my fault."
"You killed Vicki?" I cut him off in my confusion. "Why?"
"She was going to kill you, Elena and Jeremy. I didn't have a choice." He replied.
"But…" My mind was so foggy. Everything was so muddled up. I wanted to sort it all out but the blue eyes were stopping me. Distracting me.
"Erin, listen to me. You are not going to blame yourself for anything that happened tonight. You are going to blame me."
"I am?" I breathed.
"Yes. I hope one day you can forgive. You won't remember any of this when you wake up, okay?" Such blue eyes.
"Okay." I sighed, a sudden weight being lifted from me.
"Now, go to sleep." He whispered into my ear.
I felt my body go weak and I fell against Damon's chest. His arms cradled me to him. The last thing I was aware of was someone kissing my hair.