Day 10

A/N: This takes place in the AM so it fucking counts as day 10, ok? Good

You had gone to bed thinking about everything Akutagawa said while drunk.

It couldn't be true… could it? He wasn't sorry. He wanted you to go die in a hole somewhere and leave him alone. What about all of the things he said to you before all of the roommate stuff happened?

Weak people like you shouldn't be here.

Weren't all of those things still true?

You're a nothing but a weed to me.

Didn't he still believe that?

You're seeking someone to tell you that it's okay for you to live like this-

What could have changed?

But you ask yourself if you even deserve it.

You're pathetic.

Was it you?

You don't deserve any of it.

You don't deserve help,

You don't deserve pity,

Was it him?

You don't even deserve life.

It was about 4 AM and you were absolutely furious that you were awake with such a horrible hangover at such an ungodly hour. However, all of the haze was cleared with a single and strong motivation.

You had woken up when you heard a loud noise from the next room.

You had to find out what caused it.

You rushed over to your roommate's bedroom without once questioning your overwhelming concern for the aforementioned roommate.

You didn't realize that you were having a nightmare until you were waking up with fleeting memories of being chased, surely running and running with no escape, all the while voices were droning on, their own beat, a universal constant saying that you were useless.

Falling out of your bed made things seem more real. Pain. That was real. You could feel that. The alarm clock by your bed, screaming out the time against your unadjusted eyes, 4:12 AM, 4:13 AM, signaled that time was passing. Real. The dream was fading. But even as the images from the dream left your head, you couldn't forget the words. They were chronic. Eternal. Getting louder and louder. You just wanted them to stop.

"It's too early, and frankly I am too hungover for any of this nonsense."

It was Akutagawa. Not a figment of your imagination. The very real, very hungover, and very pissed Akutagawa.

"Did you seriously fall out of your bed?"

"Sorry. Did I wake you up?" Your voice came out funny. You were suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Your hair was disheveled, most of your pajama top unbuttoned. You felt something warm on your face and realized that you had been crying in your sleep too. You were thankful for the darkness keeping you hidden, because right then you were so exposed.

"I wouldn't be here if you hadn't woken me up." He was such a light sleeper it was supernatural. Although, the wall you fell next to was his room's, so the bump was probably loud there too.

"Sorry, again. You can go now. I'm okay." You just wanted him to go away. Badly. But you knew that your voice wavered too much for you to sound okay.

"Fuck. You're crying, aren't you?"

Why do the gods hate you?

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

He hovered in the doorway unsure, and mumbled "fuck my life" before entering the room and closing the door. He walked over to where you were in a ball of blankets and pillows. (When you go down, the entire bedspread comes with you.) "What was it?"

You tried to shrink into the fallen covers, "Just a nightmare. I'll live. You can go back to your room."

He wasn't buying it, though. "What was the nightmare about?"

You didn't understand.

"Nothing. I can hardly remember."

You didn't understand why he was here.

You didn't understand what was wrong either.

"You're still crying, though."

You didn't understand why you were doing that.

He sat down in front of you. The limited light from the window illuminated his dark eyes. They were determined.

You nodded in confirmation, a sign that you were agreeing to unspoken terms, talk and he leaves sooner, "I don't remember the details. But the feelings… I really don't want to describe it."

"If you keep crying like this, you'll have to explain eventually."

"Why are you still in here?"

He didn't respond, instead he just scooted over to your side. After a moment he presented a handkerchief. "I don't use it when I'm coughing, otherwise it would be bloody and I'd have to wash it a lot more."

You accepted it without a word. So he stayed silent while you tried to stop crying. It was an embarrassingly long period of time before he spoke again.

"Now that you've calmed down a bit, will you tell me?"

"I… I guess. What I know is that there were voices. They were yelling… upsetting things at me. It felt like I was trapped and couldn't do anything and they only got closer and louder. I was helpless..." You didn't want to tell him that he was one of the voices.

"What were they saying?"

"Basically, uhm, I guess they were telling me…" You couldn't get it out. You thought you were about to cry again, too.

"You aren't trapped right here. The voices are gone." He tried to remind you, but you couldn't correct his error. You were trapped. One of the voices was right in front of you. "Just breathe, in and out until you can talk again."

You followed his instructions. You felt a bit more calm. If only a bit.

"They wanted me to die. They said it over and over again in different ways but it was all the same. Like they wanted to say it until I believed it..."

Something in his eyes changed, "Do you think about dying a lot?" Despite the tension, he was slow and hushed, not raising his voice higher than the sound of the ceiling fan. This side of Akutagawa was so unusually gentle, and kind even?

"Probably more than I should." You tried to read his reaction. "Mostly just because of some memories, though. I doubt that helps much."

"Memories… are some of those like what I've said to you?"

You didn't want to respond. Because if you did, you wouldn't lie. Even though you tried so hard to not tell him how much he has hurt you, it didn't matter. Your silence was enough to say it for you.

He sounded calm, but there was a bitter tone behind it, "I almost wish I was still drunk. Then I wouldn't have to deal with how horrible this night is for such a horrible person like myself."

You also weren't going to dispute that. "If it's any consolation, you weren't the first and you weren't even the last to say stuff like that to me."

"You aren't supposed to be consoling me, you're the one who just spent like ten minutes crying."

"It wasn't ten minutes."

"Whatever is best for your pride." A beat. "But, so, I think. I'm going to cash in on that favor for the cat, now."

"What do you mean?"

"I've mostly fucked up in any aspect of life that isn't taking it. I'd rather not manage to kill you with some things I said."

It probably wasn't the time to think of jokes. "Then at least you could say you're a killer conversationalist."

He shot daggers at you. "I, you, this… You are making jokes at a time like this? Don't you see what I'm trying to tell you?" It was embarrassing to see him try to get the words out, but not as embarrassing as it was for you, still trying to figure out what he meant.

"Sorry… You should probably tell me things directly, I'm not that smart."

He paused, stopping and starting several times, before finally getting out what he wanted to say.

"I want you to live."

Confusion.

That was what you felt when one of the voices that used to tell you that your life meant nothing turned into a voice that told you it was ok to live.

The moonlight let you see that he was flushed, probably having never said anything like it before. "Please don't say anything. Just. We've talked a lot tonight already. It's probably better to try and get some more sleep. Can you tell me that you're okay now? I won't leave until I at least know that."

You felt surprisingly okay.

"I didn't know you cared so much, Akkun~" You smiled, and while you tried to make it sound like you were teasing him, you were genuinely happy.

He just frowned back, hesitating with concern before standing up and heading for the door. Akutagawa lingered another moment in the threshold, saying "Sweet dreams, Nacchan" before leaving you alone on the floor of your room to let your thoughts catch up.

Dazai confronted you at the detective agency, "Chuuya told me that Akutagawa told Higuchi to cover for him today so he wouldn't have to work. Did something happen?"

This was the first you were hearing about it. "Probably just hungover and didn't want to leave the apartment."

Dazai 'hmm'd at you with suspicion before returning back to whatever it was that Dazai did instead of working.

When you got home, Akutagawa wasn't on the couch like normal. Weird, but he was probably asleep in his room.

"You're the roommate?" You felt something sharp against your back. Behind you, where the voice came from, someone had a knife on you. When you turned your head, you saw a familiar looking girl. Akutagawa's sister, Gin.

Her street clothes paired up with the weapon made for an odd, but still rather intimidating image. You didn't know if she had any ability or how scary she actually was, but frankly you didn't want to risk it.

"Please don't murder me, I didn't do anything wrong." You wondered if asking politely enough would help. Probably not.

"Gin. Stop that." Another voice called out. You didn't have to turn to know it was Akutagawa.

You felt the knife's pressure lessen and watched as a silent conversation took place between the two siblings. You had no idea what it was about, though. You were a complete outsider to their ways.

Briefly, you entertained the notion of a family reunion for them but nobody ever said anything, before remembering there was no other living family members. Whoops.

"Contrary to his appearance, he isn't that easy to kill. Believe me, I would know." Akutagawa finally said.

Gin seemed to be appeased, and went over to her brother. She moved eerily quickly. In another second, she started dragging her brother back to his room by the ear.

You were confused, so you just followed them. "Mind telling me what's going on?"

"My sister is here because she thought something might be wrong."

Oh, because he didn't leave the apartment this morning? He probably didn't intend for that to happen. He also probably didn't know that Chuuya would tell Dazai about his absence.

"Hm, and why would she have thought that, Akkun?" No point in letting him know that you were already aware of the circumstances.

His sister looked at you weirdly.

"So Dazai found out and decided to tell you?" He asked.

Damn. You were too transparent. Not that it mattered much anyway. But you still begrudged any losses in the eternal competition between you and him.

"Yeah… Anyway, everything is fine, right?"

He glared at you and you wondered if asking about his well-being was off-limits still, despite anything that happened at 4 AM. Were you supposed to pretend that that never happened? Were you supposed to be nice to him now?

His sister started to leave the room while you were distracted, and her voice reminded you that there was technically a guest in your home. "I'm going to go make tea. Roommate-person. Show me where the kettle is."

You obliged and followed her out, remembering your manners half-way through, "Wait, you don't have to make tea! Let me."

She didn't hesitate to dissuade you, "It will be better if I do it. He is very particular about his tea." She nodded towards the direction of her brother.

"I'll at least help out, then. Oh, right, we haven't formally introduced ourselves. I'm Atsushi Nakajima, your brother's temporary roommate. I like cats and chazuke." You put your hand out for her to shake.

She kept walking. "Gin Akutagawa." You realized that she didn't talk much, and you were probably being rude forcing her to introduce herself when you already knew who she was. But after a moment, she added, "Please take care of me… and my brother, too."

There was a peaceful silence as you both prepared the tea, until she spoke again. "What is your relationship with my brother?" She asked bluntly.

"Eh?!"

"He doesn't really make friends. He isn't social at all. It makes your existence very confusing."

"We aren't exactly friends, I guess… we sorta just got shoved into this living situation."

She still looked perplexed. "Then why do you call him 'Akkun'?"

"Ah, it was a joke, I think?"

"It still doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't make sense?"

"When he's with you he's so much more… expressive."

You didn't know what to say to her. Maybe you could explain the entire situation, starting with how he tried to kill you and working your way from there. But you didn't know how much she heard from her brother about you, so you didn't want to risk saying anything weird. After all, upon first seeing you she put a knife to your back. It was probably better to let her figure this one out on her own.

The tea was ready.

"Ah, Gin- is it okay if I call you by your first name?- let me carry the tray, it's the least I can do."

She looked back at you, not surrendering the tray, or moving at all. After an uncomfortably long period of eye contact, she finally said, "I see it now."

"Hm?"

"That disarming smile of yours. The helpful nature. Even someone like my brother would falter if left near you long enough."

Those were the last words she said you you that day. Partially because she was quiet, but mostly because when she turned and took the tea to her brother, you decided not to follow.

Your sister wasn't really one to talk. So you didn't talk much either. However, you were deadly curious about the conversation you couldn't quite hear happening in the kitchen earlier.

The two siblings seemed content staying in the other room, and you were happy letting them be. When Gin finally stepped out, she left a piece of paper with contact information on the table by you. She didn't say anything, but you got the idea that it was a 'just in case' sort of thing.

After Gin went home, you tried to solve a sudoku puzzle and just enjoyed the solitary free time, even considering going to bed early since it was such a calm night. That is, until the crackling of the intercom came on.

"Akkun get out here. We've got to do the challenge for today." You called back towards his room.

Dazai was tapping something impatiently on his end. "Thank you, Atsushi. Today's challenge will be quick, so I'll be out of your hair in a jiffy."

Akutagawa finally entered the room, coughing and wearing pajamas. Of course he must have been wearing them that morning, but you didn't notice before.

"Stop looking at me like that, weirdo." He said, noticing your gaze.

"...Sorry."

"You both are so unusual, today," Dazai said, "Did something happen?" His voice was enough to let you know that the question was rhetorical. Dazai already had his answer and wanted to see you squirm. Knowing this didn't stop you from feeling extremely uncomfortable, though. Akutagawa looked the same as you felt. "Ah, I see. Don't worry about it. In fact, Roommate Challenge #10: Stop being awkward!"

Okay…?

Akutagawa just yawned, too tired to complain probably.

"How exactly do we just stop being awkward?" You asked.

"Talk to each other like normal human beings? It's simple, really." Dazai suggested.

"Simple." Akutagawa repeated.

"I have complete faith in the both of you. And just in case my faith isn't enough, I remind you that the penalty challenges are still a thing, and they are typically worse than the normal challenges. Goodnight now~"

As his voice faded out, the apartment was left in silence.

You figured that the only way to stop being awkward was to cut the problem off at its source.

You caused the problem with your weird emotions and being too confused to stop yourself from comforting your roommate that morning, so you would just have to get rid of all of the foreign feelings.

"My recommendation is that we forget about the exchange this morning." Akutagawa said at some point.

"Does 4 AM really count as the morning?"

"That is besides the point."

"How about we call it 4 AM instead of this morning, then."

"That doesn't matter in the slightest."

You knew that, of course. But for some reason you didn't want to respond to his idea. It seemed almost counter-productive to forget about. You had made progress. You had seen a side of him that had probably rarely seen the light of day. You wanted to see that side of him again, even.

"I don't think your idea will work for me."

"Do you have an idea that will work, then?"

"I don't know. I'm really tired and confused. Let me just think on my own for a while." You went off to your room, taking care not to look back, because seeing him with 4 AM fresh in mind was too much to process. Remembering the look in his pretty eyes from said time was too much to process. Noticing that you keep calling his eyes pretty was also too much to process, but less of an immediate issue.

You plopped down face first onto your mattress with resignation.

Staying awake was such a chore, that your brain forgot to remind you that there was still a challenge to complete before you fell asleep.

End Day 10