All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom
Anyone else © whoever owns them
Chapter Nine: The Chaos Spreads
"WHAT?" first mate Marcus screams into the two-way radio handset. He quickly puts it to his ear again and scowls, listening intently.
"I SAID, the rebels' Alpha Team bus has been taken down! It is now your priority to take down their next bus!" Alexia yells from the other end.
Marcus cringes at her voice, then looks confused. "Did you say 'take out your friend Gus'?"
"NO, YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT! THE BUS! TAKE DOWN THEIR NEXT BUS!"
Marcus cringes even harder, shivering. "A...alright! I understand! Marcus out." He hangs up the radio handset, glaring randomly at the poor zombie who's holding the bulky device.
"Staaaarrsss..." Captain Nemesis growls, scratching the side of his head.
Marcus sighs. "Lady Alexia reports that our enemy's initial vehicle has been taken out of commission by unknown forces. Due to this unexpected occurrence, our main goal now is to destroy their secondary team's vehicle. Shall I ready the cannon, sir?"
Nemesis just stares at him, picking his nose. A few minutes pass. Finally, Nemesis falls asleep and his head dips forward.
"I'll take that as a yes," Marcus growls. "MR.CHRISTOPHER! READY THE MAIN CANNON!"
Morpheus stalks by, muttering obscenities under his breath. "'Ready the cannon!'" he seethes. "'Make me some toast!' HMPH! 'Wipe my bottom!' Indeed!" He turns a crank near the starboard side of the ship, and a gigantic cannon pops up from the lower deck, aimed out at sea. "COORDINATES!" he screams, and a nearby zombie crew member hurls himself off the boat out of fear of conflict.
"35 degrees North, 47 degrees East!" Nemesis bellows in a commanding tone, with a hint of a proper British naval officer's sharpened accent. Everyone turns to stare in shock at the hulking man-monster, who is standing proudly with his chest puffed out, the feathered plumes of his Napoleon-style commander's hat ruffling in the wind.
Nemesis looks around suddenly, realizing what he'd just said. He quickly slouches over, twiddling his thumbs. "S...S.T.A.R.S..." he mumbles.
"Right then," Morpheus says dismissively, switching his eyepatch to the other eye and turning a few more cranks. The massive cannon begins to turn aside, towards the mainland in the distance.
Enrico Marini's grip is tight around the wheel of the double-decker bus. A bead of sweat rolls down his forehead, and he frantically wipes it away with the back of his hand before it drips into his eye and gets all stingy and stuff. "Have you found that murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen yet?" the Bravo team leader demands.
"No sir," Edward and Kevin both reply at the same time. The two pilots look nervous as well, fondling their handguns ever so anxiously.
On the upper level of the bus, Rebecca is hiding out with Billy. "They've been searching the bus for three hours!" Billy hisses, glancing down the isle towards the stairs. "Sooner or later, you're gonna run out of excuses!"
Rebecca just glares, biting her lower lip and then nibbling on her upper lip and then licking her lips and panting softly. She suddenly snaps her head to Billy. "Get a hold of yourself, man!" she yells, slapping herself in the face. Billy stares at her blankly. Rebecca shakes her head. "Ok, listen...next time they catch a glimpse of us running between the two levels of the bus, my excuse will be that I'm chasing Bigfoot. And if they press us harder, you're an ex-cheerleader from Ohio State University and I'm your lesbian lover Michelle. We're on our way to the coast, and one of us is pregnant but we don't know who the father is! Now, I've fashioned a wig for you out of-"
"Rebecca!" Billy interrupts, whispering hard through clenched teeth. "We already DID that one! They won't be fooled so easily next time! I really think they're gonna find us!" He frowns, looking very worried.
Rebecca sighs. "Bet ya they won't," she mutters.
"Will too!" Billy retorts, fumbling for his wallet. "Twenty bucks says they'll find us and execute me!"
Rebecca puffs her cheeks out, rising to the challenge. "O RLY, fool!" She promptly empties her pockets. Billy stares down at the eleven cents, a rumpled stick of gum, a paper clip, a pre-order slip for Resident Evil 5, a bad report card, a half a piece of pie, a piano wire, some cheese-its, and a ball of pocket lint.
Billy points and laughs at her. Suddenly...
"FOUND YOU!" Forest screams in delight, popping over the seat in front of the two. He points his gun at Billy and starts laughing.
"TARNATION!" Rebecca cries, tackling Forest to the floor. He screams like a girl, trying to cover his face with his arms as Rebecca furiously beats the crap out of him.
"OW, Rebecca why are you hitting me!" the Bravo team member cries, wincing.
"Billy's innocent! Innocent I tell you!" Rebecca insists, now pistol-whipping Forest in the face.
"Rebecca what in the hell is going on up here!" The rest of the Bravo crew has piled into the top level of the bus, and is now staring in dismay at Rebecca and Billy.
Rebecca sits up, straddling the cowering Forest's chest. She throws her arms aside, opening her mouth. "I can explain eeeeeverything! See, now if George leaves his house at five o'clock, and Sally leaves HER house at SIX o'clock, and they're both going the same direction-"
Suddenly, Enrico pushes his way through the small crowd of intently listening Bravo troops. "Billy Coen!" he squawks, aiming his pistol at the ex-marine. "You murdering bastard! At last I shall have my revenge! Resident Evil 5 will NEVER fall into the...likes of...you!"
Billy slowly raises his hands, staring coolly at the mustached man. "Um...hey smart one, who's driving the bus?"
Enrico puts his hands on his hips, smiling smugly. "Hmph. You think you're so cool. Well I've planned ahead! KENNETH is driving the bus now, per my orders. Heh heh heeeeh."
We pan sideways to see Kenneth standing right next to Enrico, staring at nothing blankly.
Everyone looks at him.
Kenneth looks up suddenly, stuttering. "Uh n-no, it's cool, man! Richard's down there!" He gives a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sure he'll see the empty seat and immediately take over."
The scene cuts to the steering wheel of the bus, which is predictably unmanned and wobbling in random directions by itself due to the motion of the speeding bus.
The scene then cuts to the bathroom of the bus, where Richard Aiken is singing very loudly and off-key. "Yes when a maaaaan loves a womaaaaaan..." he throws his head back, closing his eyes as he continues, "I know exactly how he feels.." Richard squeezes his eyes shut, belting out the next line with horrible bravado. "'Cause BABY BABY BABY-"
The bus crashes into a tree. Then into a rock. Then into a mailbox. Then into another bus. Then through eight trees in a row, plus a swimming pool. Then it falls off a cliff and soars down ten miles, slamming into some more rocks and bouncing thirty times, flipping end-over-end. Then it grinds to a gut-wrenching halt. And explodes. Twice.
A few moments later, Rebecca comes sliding down the cliff, wobbling unsteadily on her green hi-tops as she surfs on down, leaving behind a light trail of dust. She nears the bottom and hops down the last few rocks, then onto the solid ground. "Thank goodness I was thrown clear the instant our bus hit a tree!" she exclaims, patting some dust off of her fanny. She smiles and begins to whistle to herself, strolling along gaily. All of a sudden, she stumbles to a halt, eyes bugging out at the flaming wreckage. "HOLY SH(car horn)T! BILLY! GUYS! OH NO!"
Rebecca races to the scene, her trained hands immediately going for her med-pack. Hot smoke stings her eyes, choking her. She begins coughing, and ducks low as she covers her mouth with one gloved hand. "Anyone!" she cries out, hoping for a response. A low groan flutters up from the wreckage nearby, making her heart skip a beat.
"Oh my goodness no," she breathes to herself, hurrying over. A body lays strewn among some twisted metal. Rebecca throws herself to her knees, touching the man's shoulder lightly. "Talk to me, please! Oh please..." she begs.
"I'm...I'm alright," a familiar voice whispers weakly. Rebecca gently rolls the man onto his back...and blinks in recognition.
"Oh... Forest..." she says flatly, her voice void of enthusiasm. "You're alive."
The battered man smiles faintly. "Yeah, I j-fmph..mph! MPPFPHF!"
He is interrupted as Rebecca crams a pillow against his face, squeezing it there as tightly as she can. "Don't struggle now, Forest," she grunts, gritting her teeth and pushing him down as he flails around. "Just go toward the light...the pain'll be gone soon enough," Rebecca coos, shaking her head slowly. "Be brave now..."
"MRRPRRGHHHHRRRGH!" Forest kicks his legs, trying to escape Rebecca's suffocating choke hold.
She responds by squeezing tighter, pushing the pillow harder against his face and breaking into loud, obnoxious song. "Swing low, sweet chariot, COMIN' FOR TO CARRY ME HOOOOME!"
"Rebecca!" a voice calls out.
Rebecca immediately lets go, looking toward the voice with a deer-in-the-headlights stare, her upper lip hanging faintly over her lower one in an expression of dumb innocence. "Huh?"
Billy, holding his ribs, limps down a side of crumpled metal and begins hobbling over to her.
"BILLY!" Rebecca cries out, pulling the pillow off of Forest's face and sliding it under his head, stroking his hair lightly. Forest just coughs, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
"I...think I need mouth to mouth," Billy groans, grimacing as he kneels down beside the young field medic.
Rebecca furrows her brow, looking him up and down. "The f(record scratch)ck you do!" she exclaims, turning her attention back to Forest. "I'm trying to save my team here! You could at least help."
Billy snaps his fingers. "Shucks," he says under his breath, shaking his head.
Rebecca turns and gives him a genuine smile then. "I'm glad you're alright, though."
Billy smiles back at her and is about to reply, when some wreckage right beside him is upturned, and a figure stands up through it. "MUST...KILL...BILLY...COEN!" Kenneth roars, his eyes wide and pupils tight with rage, lips pulled back in a terrifying snarl. He aims his 9mm at Billy, pulling back the slide and chambering a round.
"Dude, it's over. Quit being a dick," Billy scoffs.
Kenneth immediately droops, pouting. "Aww..." He stubbornly kicks aside a hunk of metal and plops down next to Rebecca and the others, resting his elbows on his knees and his hands on his cheeks.
Forest coughs again, looking around. "Where's the others? We're still missing Kevin, Edward, and Richard.
"And that Enrico guy, right? Isn't he your leader or something?" Billy chimes in.
Forest frowns, looking confused for a moment. "Oh yeah, that guy."
"We're ok!" Richard calls out suddenly. The others look over to see Richard with Kevin and Edward on either side of him, their arms over each other's shoulders as they make their way towards the rest of the group.
"Have you seen Chubbs?" Rebecca calls to them, making everyone bite back a string of chuckles.
"You mean Enrico?" Edward replies.
"Nah," Kevin continues. "He's probably buried under some wreckage or something."
Rebecca nods thoughtfully. "I see. Well I guess we should save him. Billy?" She glances over to her fugitive friend. "You're a big tall sack of man-meat. Go throw some junk around until you uncover our leader's body, would ya?" She smiles sweetly and bats her eyelashes, cocking her head to the side and clasping her hands together.
"No," Billy answers flatly.
Rebecca pulls something out of her pocket. "I'll give you a piece of guuuum," she offers, waving the rumpled stick through the air. She then brings it closer to her, lowering her eyelids and parting her lips seductively, dragging the tip of the gum stick along her bottom lip. "It's all warm and squishy from being in my pocket," she drawls, her voice nearly matching Ada's sultry accent.
Billy swallows hard. "Well ok." He takes the piece of gum, fumbling with it and finally clasping it between both hands as he stumbles off clumsily to search for Enrico.
Rebecca scrunches her shoulders inward, folding her hands in her lap and turning her head aside, giving a cute little 'tee-hee!'
The others just stare at her, unsure of what to say or do. Rebecca looks up, her smile fading as she observes everyone staring at her.
"...Hey F(beep!)CK you guys!" she yells.
Little do they know that they are being stalked from the shadows by horrors too terrifying to speak of...
Note: I have WAY too much fun with Rebecca. Also, pardon the excessive randomness. Sort of. Maybe. Sandwiches! And thank you very much for the reviews!
Next Chapter: With the Bravo team's bus taken out, who's next? Looks like a stroke of bad luck is heading everyone's way...and more Wesker Chick! Stay tuned!