What I Really Meant To Say

by beegurl13

He was gone, we were over and I was a mess... When Bella runs into Edward for the first time, a year after their breakup, with his new fiancee, how will it affect her? Will she be able to recover? Will he still love her? Continuation of O/S - E/B, M, AH **On Hiatus**

10. Chapter 9 She Admits

A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is the Eclipse dvd. Finally! I had to buy it for myself for Christmas since the hubs would NEVER have willingly bought it. I think he'd rather have his toenails ripped off with rusty pliers, one by one, as you slowly drizzle rubbing alcohol over them. I'm not even joking. :D

Thanks to my superbeta MaggieMay14. The poor girl…hobbling around for what's going on months now. I think it was really Kellan going all Misery on her and trying to "hobble" her so that he could keep her as his personal love slave, but that's just me. And PLEASE tell me you know what movie I'm talking about…'cause that's a freakin' awesome movie! :D

Thanks to Twilight44 & Unchanged Affections for prereading this. They always say the loveliest things. Oh, and they're smart, too.

And thanks to my girlies – they know who they are. :) Thanks, too, this time to MamaCullen513 and Noahevansmom for helping me with the picture part of this chapter. I asked on Twitter for some advice and they stepped up. See, if you follow me on Twitter, you'll see fun stuff. I'm not even mentioning the two teasers from this chapter that I posted there. Oh wait, I just did. :D

Sorry this took so long. The holidays and kids everywhere and several other things to write took up way too much time, but this is longer than I'd planned, so that's a good thing. :) Just shy of 8400 words…not too shabby.

~oOo~

WIRMTS Chapter 9 - She Admits

As Carlisle and I sat talking, he let out a long sigh, following it with a slight smile on his face. "You're something else, Bella." He reached out and gently patted my knee. "I've missed you, I hope you know that. Esme and I are always here for you. Things are going to be tough for the next few months, and I will try to see you as often as I can, as will Esme. If there is ever anything that you need, do not hesitate to call me, alright?"

I nodded, letting him know that I understood what he was telling me. He pulled a card from his pocket that held his phone numbers on it, and pressed it into my hand. He and Edward's mother wanted to help me, and I was grateful for it. They loved me, as I loved them, and though it might seem weird and twisted to some, they were still the people I considered to be my family. I only hoped that someday I could officially become a part of theirs.

Esme and Alice came back into the room, laughing to themselves. Carlisle got up from his seat and moved to speak to Esme, kissing her lighting on the cheek in greeting. Alice plopped back down onto the couch next to me, letting out a deep breath.

"Is Rose here yet?" she asked.

"No, I haven't seen her, is she coming?" I replied, sincerely hoping that Rosalie would be joining us on our drive. I hadn't been able to speak with her yet, or to apologize for the things I'd said to her. I knew she would forgive me, but until that happened I was left with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Yes, she said she would. That girl, has she always been late or is this a recent thing?" Alice pulled out her cell phone and called a number on her speed dial. It made me giggle a bit to know that she and Rosalie had known each other such a short time, but already Alice had her number so readily accessible. I was happy they had formed some type of friendship, and I hoped that somehow I might be able to ease into it as well, without causing too much hassle with my problems.

"Rose, where are you? We're ready to go," she said loudly into the phone. I listened quietly, looking over at Edward's parents, who stood speaking in hushed whispers in the corner of the room, clearly caught up in each other.

"What? I told Jake, he answered your phone yesterday and I told him what time we were going today. He said he would tell you." Alice's voice was rising and her anger is beginning to flare. "I'm gonna kill him. What's wrong with that man, huh? Yeah, we're leaving now, but we'll wait for you. Hurry up."

She flipped her phone closed, still fuming silently. "I take it Jake didn't tell her about today?" I asked.

"Nope," she said, a disgusted look on her face. "Jerk."

My chest began to clench a little, as a sudden craving started to flare. I took a deep breath and tried to force it away. Once my hands stopped shaking and I felt like I had things under control, I looked at Alice, who was watching me closely. She reached out and placed her hand over mine, giving me a comforting smile. I could still see the anger in her eyes over Jacob, and I let out a small laugh over her assessment of him. She couldn't have been more accurate. Jacob and I had been friends when he and Rose began dating, but the more involved they became, the more rude and obnoxious he was to me. I never quite knew why, but I didn't really care either. If he was who Rose chose to share her life with, then fine. I was just glad I didn't have to live with him.

"I don't know what Jake's deal is, but he used to be pretty nice," I said.

"Yeah, well now he's just a pig. I mean geez, it's like he's jealous of Rose spending time with me or something. We met for lunch the other day and he happened to call. She wouldn't even tell him where she was. I mean, what's up with that? Why would he even care, as long as she's happy, you know?"

The scowl on Alice's pretty face was growing deeper and deeper, but I had something else to worry about. My body felt like it was slowly being consumed by flames, and when my hand twitched in Alice's, her eyes were immediately drawn back to mine. She watched as I cringed—teeth chattering, fingers shaking, neck straining—trying to hold back the feelings that were gradually growing stronger and more intense. Her free hand rose to my face, and she pulled my head onto her shoulder, as she whispered softly to me.

"It's okay, Bella, it's okay. We're gonna help you beat this. It'll be alright, you'll see."

I tried to relax, to just let go and ignore the need that was taking control of me. As soon as my eyes opened, I saw Carlisle and Esme watching me closely, and waves of regret washed over me. I was so ashamed, so embarrassed about what I'd allowed myself to become. How could I have let things get so out of control? How could I have let myself hurt so many good people?

For a moment, I wanted to run away. I wanted to finish what I had tried to do. Esme must have seen a change in my expression, because within an instant, she was kneeling in front of me, her hands grabbing my face, and her eyes piercing into mine.

"Bella, stop. I can see what you're thinking, and I know this hurts, but stop right now." There was a growl in her voice that I had only heard once before, on the night when she told me she wouldn't give up on me. I looked at her, noticing things about her that I'd never really seen or paid attention to before. The way her green eyes had gold and brown dots in them, and the way her hair had highlights that were the same shade of red that Edward's hair had. The longer she looked at me, the more I noticed. Soon, I felt like I was looking at my own mother, seeing the pretty hazel eyes that she'd had, the long, slender nose that I'd always loved, and the plump, rounded lips that had kissed each of my childhood injuries away. I wanted my mother. I missed her.

Tears started to seep from my eyes, and I couldn't hold back the sobs that soon followed. As I sat crying, cradled in Alice and Esme's arms, I heard Carlisle asking me if I wanted something to help me battle what was happening to my body. I needed it—whatever he was offering—but I couldn't let myself take the easy way out. I ached to feel the pain and suffering, and experience the emotions that I'd caused for so many of the people that I loved. I shook my head, telling him no, and sniffling as I whispered that I shouldn't have it, I didn't deserve it—that I had to be strong.

"Bella," he said. "Honey, there's no shame in letting someone or something help you. This is a long and difficult process. If you don't let us help, you'll never make it. Please, Bella." His voice was pleading with me, and I couldn't let myself look at him, knowing that I would most likely see disappointment filling his eyes.

"No, please no," I whispered. Esme's face was soon next to mine, her cheek resting on my cheek. She hummed a tune as she rocked me back and forth. Alice still had her arm wrapped around my waist, my head against her shoulder, and she rocked with us. I wanted so badly to be good for them, to be the person they thought I was. As I tried to shut myself off from the screaming that was happening within my body, I saw Edward's face. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly so that I could see him better, and memories of his smile, his crazy hair, and his melodic laugh filled me with hope. I knew I had to beat the addiction that had defined my life for so long. If not for the wonderful friends and family I had, then for Edward. He deserved a wife that was good and honest, someone that would care for him and be what he needed. He deserved to have pretty babies and a happy home, and I wanted more than anything to be the person who could give him that. Just to be capable of it was enough. All the promises that he'd made me before he left buoyed up my spirits, and I steeled my resolve, making myself take the help that was being offered to me.

As my eyes met Carlisle's, I blinked back the tears and slowly nodded, letting him know that I needed help. He left the room, returning after a few agonizing minutes with a syringe in his hand.

"This will just help knock the edge off for you, but it won't take away the pain completely," he said. Alice shifted away from me just enough for Carlisle to quickly inject me with the medication, then settled in next to me again. I didn't know what it was, and I didn't want to know. I didn't trust myself enough to not ask for it later on when things were going badly. I knew there would be many more moments like this one before anything started to get better. Trusting that the rehab center would have medications to help me in moments like this, I sat back and waited for my body to calm, trying to let go of my worries.

After about fifteen minutes, the screaming within me had died down a little, and I was able to once again take in the things going on around me. I heard rushed footsteps in the hallway and wasn't surprised when Rosalie burst through the doorway.

"You're still here, oh good. I'm so sorry, Jake didn't even tell me. He swears he just forgot," she said, but even I could tell that she didn't believe it. Her eyes darted around the room, looking at the four of us that were there, and when her gaze stopped on me, she smiled. I knew she was happy to see me, and instantly I felt the desire to apologize to her for all the things I'd done. I knew I needed to stop feeling that—there was no way to make up for the past and my indiscretions—but I still wanted to try.

After studying my face for a few moments and seeing Esme and Alice sitting so close to me, the happiness in Rose's eyes faded, as did her smile. "Bella?" she cautiously asked, stepping into the room.

"Hey Rose," I said, my voice sounding much more tired than it had previously. Sensations were beginning to dull and I was starting to feel as though I were under water, and just an observer to what was going on around me.

"Well, you'd better get going," Carlisle said. Esme got up to follow him from the room and Rose instantly filled her vacated spot beside me. With my two best girl friends at my sides, I tried to be positive about the day and what was coming. I knew it wouldn't be easy, that it would take a lot of work and struggle on my part, along with pain and suffering, but being better and worthy of the people that loved me made it okay. I had to be well, whole again, and I felt a little stirring of excitement at the possibility.

The air outside the hospital was warm, tingling my skin, and I breathed in deeply the scent of dust and city. There were so many distinct smells in Phoenix, some of them only occurring at certain times of the year, and I loved them all. They reminded me of home, and I knew it would be a few months at least before I got to enjoy them again. I wished for a moment that I could bottle up the air and take it with me, just as a reminder of what I needed to get back to. We were on our way to New Moon, the rehabilitation center that had been chosen for me, and it was located a couple hours north of Phoenix, just outside of Sedona. I'd been to Sedona a few times before, and I knew the smell there was different, much fresher and more outdoorsy. It was nice, but it wasn't home.

Rosalie opened the backdoor of the car for me, and after I slid in, she climbed in next to me. I scooted to the other side, and for a moment wondered if Alice would sit there as a way to keep me boxed in, but she didn't. Esme was driving and Alice sat next to her in the front passenger seat. Rose held my hand as we started on our way, reaching the freeway in a rather short amount of time. There would most likely not be any stops until we got to the rehab center, and I closed my eyes, trying to drown out the sounds all around me. Rosalie tried to carry on a conversation for a few minutes, but soon gave up and instead shifted closer to me so that I could lean my head on her shoulder. We rode that way for over an hour, safe within a little bubble of denial, love, anxiety, and acceptance.

As we turned off the freeway, I decided I couldn't rest any longer. I lazily watched out the windows, taking in the scenery as we drove. It was so beautiful, and it made me think about different things and events in my life.

"Rose?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Have you heard from Emmett? I mean, I know you don't really know him, but have you heard anything about him or how he is? I really hurt him." I felt bad for the things I'd said to Emmett and I wanted to apologize to him, but he hadn't been around. I worried that I'd pushed him away for good, and that thought nearly broke my heart. He was such a good person, and he deserved to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.

Rose glanced toward Alice, then back to me, probably curious as to why I was asking her and not Alice. The truth was, I was afraid to talk to Alice about Emmett. I worried that she would be upset or feel betrayed that I was choosing Edward over him. I knew how excited she had always been about Emmett and I being together, and about me maybe someday becoming a part of her family. I didn't want to let her down, and it would have hurt me even more to see her angry over the issue. She and Rosalie were close now, and I just hoped that maybe Rose could tell me what I needed to know.

"Yes, he talked to Alice the other day. He said he wanted to give you some space, and to let you think. He doesn't want to crowd you, but he still cares about you and he's determined to make things work between you two, if you want to."

I let out a long, deep sigh. "I don't know. I can't be with him, it's not fair. I don't love him like he deserves, but I'm so afraid that Edward doesn't really want me." It dawned on me in that moment that Rosalie might have some insight on Edward and Tori, and what they were really like together. "Rose, what do you know about Tori?" I asked hesitantly.

"Why do you ask that?" she said, her brow furrowed just a bit.

"Well, Edward said that she's a really good person, and I'm afraid she'll convince him to stay with her. I'm scared I'll lose him."

Rose looked at me for a moment, as if debating over what she should say in response to my concerns. "Bella, she is a really good person. I mean, Edward was such a mess after you disappeared. He didn't go out, he didn't see people; he didn't do anything but look for you and go to work. He had no social life, and his grief over losing you was killing him. We all saw it." She looked away with a haunted look in her eyes, and I knew that what Edward had told me was true. He really had been a shadow of his former self when I left.

"It had been a few months, and he would call every so often, or I'd go see him, just to check in. All of us were so worried about him. He told me that he'd finally agreed to go out for the night with his cousin, and I was excited about it, just hoping that he could have a good night for a change. Then the next week, I called and there was something different in his voice. There was life, or at least a spark of it again. I wondered what it was, and then a few weeks later, Jake and I saw him out at a restaurant and he was with Tori."

My heart broke over Edward being so crushed, but at the same time my stomach twisted at the thought of him being rejuvenated by this other woman. I wanted to be the one that made him better, only I hadn't been. I'd destroyed him, and I had to accept that fact.

"He was happy. He smiled and laughed—I hadn't heard him laugh for months, Bella. His skin was brighter, his eyes sparkled. He just looked happy, for a change. It made me so sad, because I knew he really wanted you, but Tori brought something out in him that had been missing. She's really nice, Bella. She's a good person. She genuinely cares about Edward, and she even helped him look for you. I mean honestly, how many women would do that, huh?" She shook her head as she laughed a bit. "I knew Edward wasn't as happy as he had been when he was with you, but he was better. He had some direction in his life again, and someone that cared about him. It was wonderful to see, and I was excited for him. But even with all that, there was still something missing. That something special...it just wasn't there. You weren't there."

"You're not just saying that, are you?"

Rose looked lovingly at me. "It's the truth, Bella. I know he was never really okay without you."

I nodded, closing my eyes and rolling her words over and over in my head. It was important for me to believe, that even though Edward was happy with Tori, she wasn't me. He wasn't as happy as he could have been. I needed to keep that thought in mind, especially now, as I fretted about him landing in New York and being faced with her and the feelings they had for one another.

"Rose, did he really want to marry her?" I asked, tears burning in my eyes. I knew how long it had taken Edward to work up the courage to ask me to marry him, and I was unsure how he had managed to ask her so quickly.

She seemed to think about the question for a minute, pondering her words before she spoke. "I think he wanted to marry her because he didn't want to miss out again. I think he saw his failure with you as missing out on life, and he didn't want to make the same mistake again."

The fact that he felt that way made my heart hurt. That he would marry someone just because he was scared over what I'd done to him, made me cringe with guilt. I'd tried so hard to protect him, and give him a chance at something better, and as Rose and I sat quietly talking in the back seat of Edward's father's car, I knew I'd failed. Either I never should have left, or I should have stayed away, and for a few moments I wondered what would be best for me to do. As much as I wanted him back, and needed him in my life, I had to accept the fact that Tori was good for him in ways that I wasn't, and might never be.

I silently listened as Rosalie continued. "Professionally, they're a good match. She challenges him in that way and she pushed him to excel and succeed in his job. Those are great attributes, but I never really believed that he wanted that life—the life he has now. I don't think you should be with someone just based on what looks good on paper. You gotta factor in feelings and all that. You would have to ask Edward himself, but I don't think he completely loves her. Especially not as much as he loved you."

I glanced up, meeting Rose's eyes. "He loves you, Bella. He was beside himself when you left. I've never seen a person so absolutely destroyed before. Even with Tori, there was something missing. I know he was angry and guarded that night in your hospital room, but I could see flickers of the old him there. His eyes, they way he looked at you...be careful with him, Bella. He might not seem like it, but he's fragile. If you can't do this, be fair to him. Let him find whatever happiness he can with someone else. At least give him a chance, because to be honest..." She paused, looking down at our hands that were clasped together on the seat between us. "I don't think he could survive it if you left him again." Her voice was almost a whisper, but from the front seat I heard a small gasp. It was then that I realized how quiet Esme and Alice were, and that most likely they had heard our conversation.

I nodded, as tears slipped down my cheeks, unable to say anything. I didn't want to hurt him. As we drove into the small, touristy town, I resolved within myself that I had to figure out what I wanted in my life. For Edward's sake, I needed to be fair with him, and give him the opportunity to have happiness. I just needed to decide if I was going to be the one to give it to him. I couldn't rightfully ask him to stay away from Tori if there was even the slightest possibility that I might fail, and there in the silence of the car, I knew I had to make a choice. For Edward's sake as well as mine.

After making a quick and unscheduled stop at a gas station to ask directions and use the restroom, we were back in the car and headed west on a road that would take us to New Moon, which was fourteen miles outside of town. As we had all stretched our legs in the small convenience store, it didn't take long for me to notice that my friends were hesitant to leave me on my own. I felt embarrassed that they thought they had to baby sit me, but I was grateful for their concern. When I walked past the liquor aisle of the small store, I saw Alice tense up in worry, and I for a moment I felt like laughing, but then quickly realized that her reaction was warranted. So many addicts traded one numbing substance for another. It would have been easy for me to do, but I didn't want it.

As the car sped down the quiet road, I played with the soda bottle in my hands. I was starting to get nervous, and my body was getting antsy again. I silently watched as the muscles in my fingers twitched and shook. I did my best to still them, to keep what was happening to me from Rosalie's attention. She was worried enough as it was, and I didn't want to give her anything else to fret about. I chewed on a piece of minty gum in an attempt to pop my ears, which were straining from the altitude change. I felt both ear drums release their built up pressure just as what looked to be a small resort came into sight.

The red rocky earth gave way to several white buildings that were nestled into a small green valley. There were trees all around the grounds and as we drove over a small bridge, I saw a tiny creek bubbling underneath us. The flash flood signs on either side of the bridge told of the hidden danger there, and for a moment I knew what that creek felt like. One moment it could be calm and gentle, flowing peacefully, and then without warning, it was a twisting, turning, deadly beast, intent on destroying everything in its path. I didn't want to be that way anymore, and I took a deep breath as I tried to tell myself I didn't have to be.

Esme soon pulled into a parking lot, and the turned off the engine. We all sat quietly, looking up at the stark white building that glimmered in the sunlight. We all knew this was it, and a feeling of hesitation settled over us.

Rose squeezed my hand, her eyes focused on the building to our right. "You ready?" she softly asked.

"Yeah, I think so." I knew they could sense the uncertainty in my voice, but they all smiled and let out deep breaths before opening their doors and stepping out into the bright sunshine.

Esme moved to the trunk to get my bag, which I hadn't even realized was there. I didn't have any clothes at the hospital, but a guilty look in Alice's eyes let me know that she had packed a few things for me. I wasn't sure if I would be allowed to wear my own clothes, or if I'd have a gown or something that was issued by the center. I was being admitted, and would be a patient, but I had no idea what to expect. Alice and Rose put their arms around me as we walked toward the building, with Esme following behind us. The double doors soon pushed open, and a large man, bigger than any I'd seen before, stepped outside. For a moment I was afraid, but then he smiled and greeted us, and his sparkling white teeth and deep dimples let me know I had nothing to fear.

"Hello! Welcome!" came a comforting voice from within the building. As we walked in, I was overwhelmed by the smells and sounds there. My nose pained at the aroma of disinfectant in the room. It was stronger than I had been used to at the hospital, even, and I hoped that the whole center didn't smell this way. It burned my sinuses and almost immediately I felt the cravings begin to build. I shut my eyes, honing in on the beeps and other office noises in the area. I was trying to keep the flickering at bay, but it was like the monster within me knew this was its last chance, and he didn't plan to give up without a fight.

The woman stepped around a desk and hurried toward us. "I'm Angela, it's so nice to meet you. You must be Bella." She reached out to shake my hand, grasping it tightly in her warm palms. "We've been expecting you. Dr. Cullen called a couple of hours ago to tell us that you were on your way. I hope you had a nice trip."

"We did, thank you," Esme said, apparently the only one of us that was able to display any manners.

"Is this Bella's bag?" she asked, pointing toward the suitcase in Esme's hand.

"Yes," Esme said, holding it out in front of her. "It's just a few clothes and toiletries; we weren't sure what she could bring."

"That's fine. We'll have Felix take it to Bella's room. Of course, it will be searched before that happens. We can't run the risk of anything being smuggled into the facility." She cast her glance to me, smiling. "For your safety as well as everyone else's. Now, if you'll just come with me, we've got a few papers to sign and then we'll be all set and you can see your room."

I nervously looked from Alice to Rose, begging them to come with me. I didn't want to be alone yet, and I felt myself starting to panic.

"Wait, I need more time. I'm not ready for this." I turned to face Esme, tears welling up in my eyes and making her a little blurry. "Please, I-I know I can do this on my own, please if we could just go home, and you could help me..."

Esme's hands were instantly on my cheeks, her voice soft yet firm. "Bella, you can do this. You're ready, and you need to be here. Trust me, I would never let anyone hurt you. You'll do fine, I know you will." She placed a light kiss on my forehead, then pulled back and looked into my eyes. "Let's just see the facility first, alright? We drove all this way, shouldn't we at least see what they have to offer?"

I nodded, acknowledging her words and knowing that she was right. "Okay," I said in a whisper, clumsily wiping at my eyes and feeling very much like an errant child.

The tour around the center was nice. Angela showed us where the fitness area was, the cafeteria, the classrooms, the counseling center, and finally the living quarters. The grounds outside were beautiful, and the fresh air smelled incredible. It was so much cleaner than what I'd smelled in the city, though I still missed the unique scent of Phoenix.

After our tour, we went back to Angela's office, where we were met by a man. "Bella, this is Ben, my husband. He runs some of the group therapy sessions here, and he'll be counseling you on and off during your stay. We treat many different kinds of disorders here, but he specializes in depression and grief counseling, so you'll be seeing a lot of him."

He stepped forward and shook my hand. "Hello Bella, it's very nice to meet you." His voice was gentle, and he seemed nice enough. I got the feeling that I could trust him, and I just hoped I was right.

"Hello."

"You seem to have a lot of people here with you today, and they look as though they care a great deal about you. Would you like to introduce me to them, Bella?" he asked, waiting for me to speak.

"Um, this is Rosalie, my best friend for the past, what...eight, nine years?" I said, looking to Rose for confirmation.

"Yeah, something like that," she laughed, reaching out to shake Ben's hand.

"And this is Alice, my best friend for the past year or so."

"Hello," Alice said, smiling at Ben as she shook his hand.

"And this is Esme, she's..." My eyes met hers, and she could see my struggle in how I should classify her. She was, technically, my ex-fiancé's mother, but she had, and would always be so much more to me. I reached back and grabbed her hand, before turning back to face Ben. "This is Esme, my mother." A single tear slid down my face and I heard her suck in a quick breath.

"It's very nice to meet you, Esme," Ben said, nodding gently as her since I was clearly unable to let go of her hand.

"Well, why don't we go inside the office here and we can go over a few things," Ben said, and we all followed him, some of us a little more slowly than the others.

After papers were signed and rules were read, we stepped into the foyer to say goodbye. I was already crying quietly, and dreading the next few minutes. My skin was feeling itchy, irritated, and while the pain steadily built up, it was overshadowed for the moment by the desperation of being alone and without my friends. I looked at them all, wondering how I would manage without them by my side. Their love and assurance was the only thing that had kept me going over the past week.

Alice stepped forward and pulled me in for a hug. "I love you, Bella. I know you can do this. I'll write you every day, and I'll call on Sunday's, okay?" I nodded against her as she clung to me. "Jasper and I will come see you next month, as soon as it's allowed, and I know you'll be doing so much better by then. I have faith in you, Bella."

"Thank you," I said, squeezing her tightly before she stepped away from me.

Rosalie stood quietly to my right, picking nervously at her lip. "You know I love you, right?" she said.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Okay then, just don't forget that."

I knew she was having trouble saying goodbye, and I didn't want to make things any harder on her, so I stepped toward her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her to me.

"I love you, Rose. Thank you for not giving up on me."

"Never," she said with a trembling voice, before pressing her lips to the top of my head. "Never."

We held each other for a moment before she finally pulled away, with a small laugh. "You're gonna get me all wrinkly, Bella." I looked into her eyes and saw the worry there, so I smiled—hoping to reassure her. She walked to the door and stood near Alice, leaving Esme and I with a moment to our selves.

Esme took a deep breath, watching me as she slowly let it out. Her eyes pierced into mine, holding me firmly where I was. "My sweet girl, I love you. I believe in you. I have faith in you. I always will." With that, she enveloped me into her arms, where I cried deep, sorrowful sobs—my fingers grasping onto her shirt and afraid to let go. She "shhh'd" me as she stroked my hair and hummed quietly to me, the same way Edward always did.

"Thank you, Esme. Mom," I whispered, before sniffling and trying to pull myself together. I backed away from her, smiling a little at her as she traced her fingers over my cheeks.

"My beautiful girl..." She gasped quickly, then stepped around me toward Alice and Rose.

I stood quietly in the room, listening as the large double doors opened and then shut. I felt them leave, my eyes sliding closed so that I wouldn't see it. I knew I was alone, and suddenly fear crept into my brain. Could I really do this on my own? Would I make it without them all by my side? I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.

"Bella, would you like to see your room?" Angela said, waiting as I nodded to her.

She led me through a hallway and into the building where I would be staying. She used a card key to open a large, brown door, and as we stepped inside, I could see the small bedroom there. It wasn't fancy, and it wasn't large, but it was all I would need. She showed me around the room, pointing out the bathroom, closet, desk, and magnetic white board with my daily and weekly schedules already posted on it. My suitcase lay on my bed, and in the corner of my desk, I saw a small radio.

"What's that?" I asked, unsure if I would be able to use it or not. There was no television in my room, though there were televisions in the common areas, as well as computers.

"That radio is for you. Every one here has their own radio, but like we said, for now, there are no tv's or computers in your room. We want you to socialize with the other patients here. That's a big part of getting better." She smiled at me, before reminding me that dinner would be served in a couple of hours, and that until then, I should use my time to settle in and get unpacked.

Putting away my clothes and other small items didn't take long. I was a little surprised by how plain and ordinary the clothing was. There was nothing that I recognized, which meant Alice hadn't simply picked up some things from my apartment—she had gone shopping. Before that moment I wasn't even aware that Alice was capable of purchasing clothing that wasn't on the cutting edge of fashion, or that didn't sparkle or dazzle in some way. The fact that she chose things she knew would suit me and make me comfortable was nice. She really did care about me, regardless of the horrible things I'd recently said and done to her.

In the top drawer of the desk, I found paper and pencils. I decided that since I had just over an hour until dinner, I would write Edward a letter. Looking at the clock, I knew he had most likely arrived in New York and I was worried. Would Tori pick him up at the airport? If she didn't, how would he get to his apartment? Would she be there when he did finally arrive home? Would she be waiting for him? Would he give in to her? I took a deep breath, knowing that my insecurities over Edward would only lead me to feeling the cravings that I'd been fighting against all day. I wondered if maybe there was a doctor or nurse I could speak with, since I could feel the effects of the medication Carlisle had given me slowly wearing off.

Just as I leaned over to turn on the radio, there was a knock on my door.

"Hi!" came a sugary sweet voice. "I'm Whitney, I'm one of your nurses. I just wanted to stop and say hello, see if there's anything that you might need."

"Oh, hi. Um, I think I'm okay."

She looked at me carefully. "Well, I read through your file a bit, so I know the types of substances you're dealing with. I just wanted to let you know that Doctor Cullen authorized a few more injections of the medication he gave you this morning. If you feel like you need something, you can just ask. Doctor Gerandy will meet with you this evening after dinner and do some preliminary evaluations, and then he'll decide what our course of action will be."

She had walked further into the room as she spoke, glancing around and seeing that I didn't have much with me. "Did you bring any pictures or anything? You know, a lot of the patients here have pictures of family or friends."

I glanced at the suitcase. "Well, um, I didn't pack my bag and I didn't see anything." I started to wonder if maybe Alice had included something like that, so I quickly went to the closet and picked up the bag from the floor. There on the side was a zipped pocket, which I hadn't noticed before. I slid it open and was both shocked and elated to see pictures stuffed into it. Pulling them out, I started to smile. They were wrapped in a piece of paper, a little note from Alice written on it, telling me that Edward had suggested she send them. Instantly, I felt calmer.

"So you do have some photos. You can put them up on your white board, if you'd like. There are some magnets up there and there should be more in your desk. Although, if you have frames for them, then you wouldn't need those."

I started looking through them. On top was a picture of Alice and Jasper, sweet and happily wrapped up in each other. Next was a picture of Rosalie and Alice. It was recent and just a snapshot that she'd obviously printed off her computer, but they both looked happy and so alive. The third picture of was Esme and Carlisle. I stood looking at it for a moment longer, causing Whitney to glance at it as well.

"Are those your parents?" she asked.

"No, not really. I mean, they pretty much are. My parents passed away, but these are my ex fiancé's parents."

"Oh, that's nice. Are you close with them, I assume?"

"Yeah, this is Dr. Cullen, my doctor, and his wife, Esme. They're the only parents I have left." I smiled at their bright, happy faces, thankful that I had them supporting me.

The next picture was one of Emmett and me at Alice's birthday party. He had a goofy party hat on and his arm slung around my shoulders, trying to plant a kiss on my cheek. I was giggling and pushing him away, but I was happy in that moment.

"Is that your fiancé? Or ex fiancé?" Whitney asked.

"No, that's my friend, Emmett." I didn't know what else to say about him, and I hoped he was still my friend, after what I'd done to him.

The next picture I saw was one of me with my parents. It brought tears to my eyes and I wondered where Alice had found it. "These are my parents." I lightly traced the images that stared back at me. I remembered the picture and the day it was taken—my 12th birthday. We were all so happy, and I was calmed as I looked at the angelic face of my mother as she smiled brightly to my dad.

After looking at it for a few moments, I cautiously lifted it to reveal the final picture—it was Edward and me. I had hoped that Alice would include something of us together, or at least of him, and I was pleasantly surprised to see it. Attached to the bottom of the picture was a little sticky note with a message scribbled on it in perfect penmanship that I would recognize anywhere.

I thought you might like to have this. I love you just as much today as I did when this was taken. Edward

It was our engagement picture, but not the official one. It was a candid that I'd always loved. I looked closely at it, remembering that day as if it were yesterday.

We'd gone for our official engagement portraits, at Esme's insistence. She wanted something pretty for the announcements, as well as for her mantle and wall. The studio was rather high end and very nice. I'd never been anywhere like it before, and after posing for pictures in three different outfits, I was done. The photographer wanted one more set of photographs, and with a little begging and promising to make it up to me, Edward convinced me. As we sat together, I heard the shutter of the camera snapping, but Edward's fingers were running lightly up and down my arm. I knew he wasn't looking at the photographer, and neither was I, but I didn't care. Before I knew it, we were done, and when the proofs came back weeks later, one of the images from that group was my favorite and it was the one I held in my hands.

Edward's face was angled toward mine, his eyes soft and gazing longingly at me. My eyes were cast downward as I watched his hand on my arm. The feeling that had been running through my body in that moment was so peaceful, I was truly content. I remembered feeling so alive and electric, and yet placid and at ease. Only he could have that effect on me, and I was overjoyed to know that after all this time, he still did. I looked at the way he watched me in the picture, his eyes so full of love, protecting and guarding me from the world. I had innocently gazed at his fingers, taking in all that he offered me, and letting him be my shelter from the storms that were already raging within me.

I let out a deep breath as his image fought off the beast that was trying so desperately to consume me. "This is Edward," I softly said. "He's my ex fiancé, and hopefully boyfriend. We'll see. I hurt him."

Whitney looked at the picture for a moment. "He's very handsome, and you both look so happy. I'm sure things will work out for the best." I noticed that she didn't assure me we'd be together. It hurt a little, but then I remembered that I didn't know how things would end up—I just had to wait and hope they turned out the way I wanted them to.

"I think I'll be okay until after dinner. I'm just gonna write a letter, and can I mail it? I mean, are there stamps and stuff for that?" I asked, placing the pictures on the desk next to me.

"Okay, sure. Yeah, we have stamps at the desk, just ask Angela and she'll have the mail carrier pick it up. If you get it to her tonight, then it will go out in the morning."

"Thank you."

"Sure thing. We'll see you at dinner." Whitney gave me another quick smile, and then hurried out of the room.

I carefully placed the pictures along the edges of the bulletin board, except for the one of Edward and me. I kept that on the desk, looking at it as I reached over to turn on the radio. It was playing a country song, so I started scanning through the stations that were available. Soon enough I found something with a fairly recent rock tune, and I left it, then reached for the paper and pencil in the desk drawer.

As I paused, wondering what to write, a song started to play. I knew I'd heard it before, and I listened closely as it continued. When the second verse started, I knew what I needed to write to Edward.

Dear Edward,

I'm here, your mom drove me to the rehab place. Alice and Rose came along. It was nice, but I miss them already. I let your dad give me a shot this morning, some kind of medication to help with the cravings. I hope you're not too upset or disappointed. He said it would be okay, that I wasn't a failure if I needed it. Please don't be mad.

I'm worried about you. I'm trying so hard to trust everything you said, and I know you love me, but I'm still afraid. I talked to Rose on the drive today. She told me about Tori, and I know that she's a good person. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't like her. I don't know her, but I see why you fell in love with her. Rose said she's good for you. I want to be good for you, too.

I'm trying, I really am, and I'm so afraid to fail because I know if I do, she'll be there waiting. I don't want to lose you again.

I have a radio in my room and I was listening to it and this song came on. I know it's kind of stupid, to use song lyrics to tell you things, but after that night, with the note and everything, I feel like maybe that's the best way to let you know how I feel. I think maybe I can't say it right, or something. This is from that American Idol guy, the actor one with the eye liner and stuff. Anyway, he says everything I want you to know.

Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin' around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up on me
I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

I don't know what you want from me, Edward. Please give me a chance, I know I can be what you need, if you just let me try. I messed up before, and I promise I'll try my hardest to not do it again. Please.

I have to go because it's dinner time, and then I have to see the doctor and stuff. I'll try to email you tomorrow, if I can use the computers.

I love you, Edward. I'm so sorry for everything. Please believe me.

Love,

Your Izzy

I folded up the paper and stuffed it into an envelope from the desk, taking a moment to dig the scrap of paper with Edward's address written on it out of my pants pocket.

Lazily tracing my fingers over the image of us once more, I lifted my fingertips to my lips and placed a tiny kiss on them. I pressed them on the picture of Edward, whispering an "I love you" that I knew he would never hear. It was more of a reminder to myself, anyhow.

I set the picture on the nightstand next to my bed, leaning it against the small lamp there. I'd have to get a frame for it soon, maybe when I could start having visitors. Picking up the envelope, I looked at the picture once more before walking out of the room, determined to fix all the things I had broken.

~oOo~

A/N: Things are looking up for our Bella. Next time should bring some news from Edward, as well as a look into their past. Remember when I said Superbeta bought me in the Fandom Gives Back auction? Yeah, we're starting in on her flashbacks…and things might be getting lemony. I'm just sayin'… :D

Author rec time…

sleepyvalentina – Have you read her stuff? She's seriously one of my favorite authors, and one of the few that can get me to read vamp stories. :D I've read just about everything she's written, and I've loved it all. Her story Art After 5 and it's companion story Counterpoint feature my favorite fan fic Edward, and I love them both so much. She's writing a new one now, Fall To Ruin One Day, and I love it. I got my prereader Unchanged Affections hooked on it. I love that… :D You're missing out if you haven't seen what this amazing woman has to offer. Trust me, she's incredible. :)

http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1801946/

I'm on Twitter, and it's fun. Plus you get stuff, like teasers. :D
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Hopefully the next chapter won't be so long in getting to you. I'm writing something for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence charity event in February. There's a link on my profile, and I'll just say this…it's the first chapter of my next story. :) I'm also doing something for the Foxy Fics charity event in March. That's linked on the profile here, too. And for that…I'm doing an Edward POV of my o/s Baby. SOOOOO many people asked for that, so I hope you'll be excited. :)

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