Chapter 10

Eventually Sam managed to calm down and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "Oh boy, I should've worn waterproof makeup" she said, trying to ease the atmosphere.

"You're still beautiful Sam" Danny replied, a kind smile playing upon his face.

"Danny, you have to stop saying this kind of things or I'm gonna start crying again…" she said, even though she was grateful to him for his sweet words. Danny smiled at her while running the tip of his thumb over her hand. "I have to go sweetheart or I'm gonna have trouble with Dr. Sardo. She wants you to rest."

"She is nice…" Sam paused as Danny nodded in agreement, "Dan…I…don't wanna see Jack for the moment, I don't want to have to explain myself. It's too much for me; I know I will break down in front of him."

"Don't think about it, I'll tell him…He'll understand." Danny reassured her.

"And I don't wanna talk to Martin either. I don't know why because I need him so bad…" Sam closed her eyes during a brief moment to prevent the tears from falling. Despite the recent changes in his behavior lately, she still missed him, and how strong she felt in his arms.

"Sam, look at me…" Danny said holding her hand in both his hands," I don't want you to worry about it right now. They know what you're going through and I'm sure that the only thing they want is you to get better…that's what we all do"

"Do you really think I'm gonna get better because I've never felt so hollow in my all life…" Sam's voice broke.

Danny kept quiet for a few seconds, trying to find the right words to say. "Sweetheart, you lost your baby and I can't understand, I can't feel what you feel…I can only imagine and I know that I'd feel terrible in your situation. You lost someone you loved during three months, someone you wanted and it's gonna be hard to say goodbye. But I know you can do it, maybe not today, or tomorrow but someday the pain will be less intense and you'll feel better and it will be ok to feel that way. It won't mean that you forgot it because it'll always be in your heart. The last thing I want is you to mourn alone, you can rely on us, we'll be there for you."

Samantha looked at him and smiled faintly. "Danny, I want to thank you for…"

"Anytime, hun" Danny cut her off gently, "Now, try to rest, ok?"

"yeah…" Sam whispered.

Danny stood up, kissed his fingers and put them on Sam's forehead, "Take care" he said then headed towards the door. Sam turned her head and let a few more tears roll down her cheeks.

XXX

Meanwhile, Viv, Jack and Martin were waiting in silence in the waiting room. Martin looked all around him and his eyes fell on a big reproduction of one of Monet's paintings, Impression Sunrise, hanging on the wall. His aunt Bonnie was an art lover and being a kid, when he and Calista spent their summer holidays at her house, she used to show them paintings of Monet, Cézanne or Van Gogh…Martin had always liked Impression Sunrise, but today, he found it sad, dark and depressing. So depressing that he had to look away. He massaged his neck, then reached out to take a brochure put on the table. He started to read:

Helping a friend through miscarriage

Helping a friend through a miscarriage can bring up many questions, such as, "What do I say?" "What do I do?" Have you ever asked yourself these or similar questions? Comforting someone who is dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy, and it can be even more difficult when it is the death of a child through miscarriage. One reason this is so much more difficult is that friends and family have not actually seen and held this baby. When a woman has a miscarriage, she has lost a child - a child that she alone has held tenderly within her womb, a child she has loved and 

anticipated rocking to sleep and cuddling in her arms, a child she may have talked to and sung to, and caressed by rubbing the bulge in her belly. No one fully understands your friend's grief, because each person grieves differently.

There seems to be a common thread through the stories of most women who have had a miscarriage, though. It is that, more than anything, they just need someone to be there to listen and to comfort them. Most women want to talk about what has happened to them, and be allowed to express their sadness and emptiness now that their baby has died.

Don't be afraid to talk about the baby, or the mother's loss. Do not turn away or change the subject if your friend wants to talk about these subjects, because that would show that you care more about your own comfort than her grief. Helping a friend through a miscarriage involves being a sounding board, listening to her grief, holding her hand, or offering a literal shoulder to cry on as needed. It's okay to tell her that you don't know what to say. You might tell her how sorry you feel that she lost her baby. Share the joy you experienced with her when she told you about her pregnancy. Most of all, let her know that you care. Even though most women want to talk, your friend may not be at that point, so don't "expect" her to say or do anything.

Martin stopped reading and raised his head when he heard Danny enter the waiting room. "How is she?" he asked even if he had to make an effort to speak to him.

"She's just lost her baby, how do think she's feeling?" Danny retorted aggressively, causing Martin to jump out of his chair in anger, "Don't make the mistake to think you care more about her than I do, than we all do"

"Will you stop this, for fuck's sake!" Jack couldn't help but shout. "I don't wanna hear you fight anymore! Danny…tell us, how is she?"

Danny shook his head, sighing. He hadn't wanted to be mean towards Martin but somehow he couldn't help it. "She'll recover physically but I've never seen her so desperate…It really broke my heart" he answered, "She's sleeping now or at least is trying…"

"I have to see her…" Martin said more to himself than for anybody else.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Martin" Danny replied.

"And why's that, Danny?" Martin asked, stressing his name.

"She doesn't want to see you now…" he replied on a softer tone than before. Martin stood speechless and Danny could see hurt and guilt flashing through his eyes.

"Look…don't take it personally ok? She doesn't want to talk to Jack either. I think that the person most likely to understand her right now is a woman" he said, looking for an excuse. He was true though, no man could really understand what was like to have a stillbirth, no matter how much he tried.

"Listen, I'm gonna stay here till she is discharged and then she'll come to my house for a while. You guys would rather go home, there's no use for you to stay here any longer." Vivian intervened, in her usual calm, warm voice. "I'm gonna take care of her, don't worry about it…"

The three men nodded silently. They knew that Viv's natural motherly sweetness was all Sam needed for the moment.

XXX

Martin opened the door of his apartment, feeling like nothing but slumping in his sofa and forgetting everything. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed that Sam was pregnant. Had he known, would it have changed anything to what had happened? Would Sam's baby be still alive? In his mind, he replayed the last seconds leading up to the moment Sam got a gun pressed against her temple, trying to remember what he had done wrong.

Damn it, Martin, you should've been more careful…you treated him like any witness though you knew he had been busted four times…you noticed he was nervous…you turned your back on 

him…you left him alone with Samantha…you left him alone with Sam…you left him alone with Sam..

Martin closed the door and tipped his head back against it, closing his eyes. He could no longer control his panting breathing as the last events passed through his mind.

"Martin, you're still home?" his girlfriend's surprised voice brought him back to reality. Dressed in a red fancy dress, she was walking towards him, a large smile upon her face.

He sighed, "Yeah, something happened with…"

Martin didn't have the opportunity to finish his sentence. "How do I look like?" she asked, turning round.

"Awesome" he answered without conviction. Of course, she looked gorgeous but he was not really in the mood to talk about clothes, "But, why are you so dressed up?"

"The dinner, with your parents and mine, remember? That's why you're here, right? You had promised to come home early"

The dinner. It had totally slipped his mind and there were good reasons for it. Pinching his nose between his thumb and his forefinger, Martin sighed. He didn't feel up to spending an entire evening with his parents and the Rockfeller's, talking about the political advancement of so-and-so or the rise of pump prices. His mind was focused on what had happened and what he needed the most was someone to talk to.

"Martin, you ok?" Stacy Rockfeller asked, puzzled by his behavior.

He shook his head, "No, I'm not. That's what I was trying to tell you. We've had a hostage situation today and…"

"Oh my God, are you hurt?" she exclaimed, out of concern.

"No, no, I'm fine" he said, even if he wished he was the one being hurt rather than Sam, "but Samantha…"

"Your ex…"

"Yeah. She…ehm…lost her baby"

"You hadn't told me she was pregnant" Stacy said, tossing her black hair back.

"I didn't know" Martin replied, "I had no clue…" he added in a whisper.

"Well, that's sad…" Stacy said, absent-mindly. "I'm sorry for her." Actually, she wasn't. She didn't really care. She didn't know why, but she had always felt threatened by Samantha, even if Martin had told her many times that he was no longer in love with her.

"You don't look sorry" Martin stared at her.

Her eyes darkened. She opened the mouth to retaliate then remembered it wasn't a good time to argue. They had to put up a good show in front of their respective parents. "Look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm just a bit edgy because of the dinner. I always want to make a good impression with your parents but that doesn't mean I'm not sorry for her. I wouldn't like to be her now, she must be devastated. And I know you care about her…obviously… so I share your worry because I love you, you know that?" she kissed his lips.

"Yeah I know but I feel so bad. I was with her when she was held hostage and I could've prevented from happening…" he said, his voice trembling with guilt.

She gently grabbed her arm, "Hey, I'm sure you did nothing wrong. You're just feeling guilty because it's one of your co-workers" she didn't want to use the word 'friend', "It's a normal reaction, trust me…"

Martin kept quiet as she stepped forward. "Come here" she said, wrapping her arms around him. Martin didn't move as he let himself be hugged, unable to take his mind off Sam.

"Now, grab a shower and put your tux on. We're supposed to meet our parents at 7.30 and I don't wanna be late" she said, "You'll see, it will take your mind off things"

Martin nodded faintly and headed towards the bathroom. Closing his eyes, he let the hot water streaming down his body, unsuccessfully trying to empty his mind. The conversation he had had with Stacy hadn't helped him. He still felt so bad, even worse. He turned off the faucet, wrapped a towel around his waist and wiped the steam on the mirror, his pale reflection looking back at him with sad eyes. For a moment he was thinking of calling Danny – even fighting with him was better than being left with his gloomy thoughts – but he changed his mind. He had a diner to attend.

XXX

An hour later…

Nicole Sardo gathered her long auburn hair in a bun and secured it with a large, silver claw clip. She wanted to go home, take a long bubble bath and spend the rest of the evening with her husband and her two beloved children. She loved her job - she wouldn't have changed it for all the money in the world – but when a 10-year-old got shot while playing soccer in the street or when a young beautiful woman lost her child, she just couldn't accept it. She didn't want to. Sighing, she opened the door and came in.

Vivian was lost in her thoughts, painful memories swirling through her mind, when she heard Dr. Sardo enter the room. She reluctantly took her eyes off Sam's pale face and gently nodded a greeting to her.

"Hi, is she still asleep?" Dr. Sardo asked Viv.

"I think she's waking up" Vivian answered, seeing Sam's eyes flutter open. "Hey sweetie…" she said.

"Viv?" Samantha asked with a tired voice, "I'm glad you're here…"

"It's the only place I must be kiddo, I'm not gonna leave you alone" Viv squeezed Samantha's hand. Dr. Sardo stepped forward and looked at the blond agent with kind eyes.

"Hello Samantha, are you in pain?"

Sam grimaced, "yeah, a bit…"

"Don't worry, it's totally normal… You may experience some painful cramping initially, but this should not last longer than two days. I will prescribe you some painkillers and you'll feel better. I see that your IV is almost finished. When you're ready, you can go. Have you some family to stay with for the next couple of days?"

Before Sam had a chance to reply she was on her own, Viv spoke, "Yes she has"

Sam opened her mouth but Viv put a finger on her lips, "Don't argue honey, I've already phoned Marcus and he'd be glad to have you home. What's the point having a spare room if friends can't make use of it, huh?"

Sam mouthed a thank you, and then turned her eyes towards Dr. Sardo. "Do I have some particular precautions to take?"

"I want you to rest for the next 24 hours and you should not have sexual intercourse for at least two weeks. Light cramping and bleeding can be expected from a few days but if it continues beyond two weeks, you have to contact us. It also applies to increased pain, fever or dizziness. Anyway, you should come back for a check-up in a month. I know it's a lot to take in right now Samantha, but don't hesitate to ask for help. Here is a card of a support group, and obviously you have good friends to count on. Let them help you."

Sam looked at her white hand held by Viv's black one. She knew she wasn't alone.

XXX

Jack was sat in the dark in his now too spacious apartment in TriBeCa. His apartment who used to be clean, warm and full of children's giggles was now a cold, grey place lacking in soul…lacking in life. Actually, it was certainly now the best place to greet his actual thoughts. Not so long ago, he had a wife, two sweet beautiful daughters to resupply him with innocence he lost every day at work and the trust of his colleagues. Now, all of this was gone. Divorced, his little girls living in another state, he had also lost his touch with his young agents. Danny had been the first, Martin the next and now, Samantha, his Samantha. How come she hadn't dared to tell him she was pregnant? Had she feared his reaction? When did his agents stop talking to him?

Everything was falling apart, there was so much pain, so many things left unsaid in his team that he doubted the situation could get back to normal, to when times were better. When they all trusted each other, when Martin and Danny were still friends, when he still lived with his family, and when Samantha was still one of those lucky women who hadn't lost a baby.

He took his cell phone, pressed the buttons slowly and waited. He sighed when he heard the voice mail but didn't hang up though. He waited for the tone and then spoke with a shaky voice:

"Hi Anne, it's…ehm…Jack. I know it's been a long time and I don't want to bother you or anything…I just wanna know how you're doin'…If you have time, I'd like to take a coffee with you and chat a little…catching up…you know…Well, I hope you're ok … please call me back…"

Yet, he knew she wouldn't.

XXX

"Oh my God, Charles, you're too funny!" Abigail Fitzgerald burst out laughing as Martin clutched his fork, irritated. His mother's laughs reminded him of the prerecorded ones heard in the background of sitcoms: loud, calculated…fake. He cracked his neck, trying to concentrate on the too expensive plate put in front of him, aware that he wouldn't be able to eat anything.

"Martin" her mother turned her head to him, "Guess who I came across that morning?"

"Surprise me" Martin replied sarcastically.

"Nathan Bellick, do you remember him? The son of…"

"I remember him" Martin cut her off sharply. The most boring guy I've ever met, he thought.

"Believe it or not, but he runs his own company. And he's only 31! I told him you would give him a call someday."

"Oh please Mum!" Martin exclaimed rolling his eyes, "I'm old enough to choose my own friends!"

"I know Darling, I know…it's not that I don't like your friends, but Victor told me some things about one of your co-worker, agent Taylor, I can't remember his first name…"

"Danny" Martin said softly. He couldn't believe that her mother didn't remember his name, after what he and Danny had been through.

"Yes, that's it."

"Don't worry, we don't get along anymore" Martin tried to eat but his stomach was in knots and knowing that each mouthful cost more than 10 made him even sicker.

"How come?" she asked surprised and glad in the same time.

Martin opened his mouth. Actually, he couldn't remember when or why they had fallen out. "It doesn't matter" he replied, avoiding her eyes.

"You know, it's better that way…I've heard about his hot-temperament and his troubled past and when he gets into trouble, I don't want him to pull you down with him."

"Hey!" Martin almost shouted, "Be careful what you say Mum, Danny is the person who helped me the most when…" he paused - was he defending him? - "You shouldn't judge him before knowing him, that's all…"

"Are you Ok Martin? You seem a little…off"

"It's quite normal considering the circumstances…" Stacy said, causing Martin to look daggers at her.

"What circumstances? What are you talking about?" Victor asked her.

"There's been a hostage situation today" Martin said, staring blankly at his plate.

"Jesus! Martin are you hurt?" Abigail exclaimed as Martin sighed, "Do I look hurt, Mum?"

"Were you alone?" Victor asked, his tone was calmer than his wife's.

Martin felt a lump in his throat, "No, I was with Sam…"

"Agent Spade? Is she ok?" Victor asked, taking a sip of wine.

"No, she lost her baby!" Martin said but regretted it right away. Even if his father was going to discover the truth in the end – nothing stayed secret in the Bureau – it was Sam's private life and he had no right to talk about it. He couldn't help it though; the need to let it out had been too strong.

"Samantha Spade, isn't she Martin's ex-girlfriend?" Lucie Rockfeller asked her daughter, whispering.

"Yes, she is" Stacy whispered back.

"Did you know she wanted to get pregnant?"

"No, I think it was an accidental baby…a mistake." Stacy replied.

Lucie Rockefeller raised her eyebrows disdainfully, "oh, I see…"

"The poor girl…" Abigail said softly, "But she's young, she'll get over it. Give my best wishes of recovery to her, will you darling?"

If only she wanted to see me…, Martin thought, swallowing his pain and frustration, "I will"

"Now, let's change the subject" Eva went on, she didn't want to talk about Sam all dinner long, "I need to talk to you about your sister."

"Someone please finish me off!" Martin shouted inside his head. Rubbing his forehead with his fingertips, he tried to stay calm, "What about my si…, what about Calista?"

"You've seen her today"

"I have." Martin's eyes went dark, "I didn't even know she was in New York."

"Neither did I, I knew it when she called me this afternoon. What did you two talk about?" Abigail asked, trying to sound casual.

Martin clenched his jaw; he didn't want to air the family's dirty laundry in front of the Rockefeller's, who, even if they pretended not to, were listening carefully. "She wanted to make up with me but I told her to get lost. She left, she abandoned me when I needed her the most and I'm not gonna forgive her" Martin said with anger in his voice.

"Well, you know how selfish Calista can be…When I told her you had been shot, she promised me she would come but one more time, we couldn't count on her. So, you won't see her again…right?" Abigail asked.

"No…" Martin whispered, sadness now perceptible in his voice, as his mother let out a satisfying sigh. That's all she needed to hear. Nevertheless, even to his surprise, if Martin had been asked to choose between spending the evening with his parents, Stacy and the Rockfellers or with Calista – even if it entailed fighting with her till daylight – he would've chosen to spend it with his sister.

XXX

Danny sat down at the wooden bar counter and after a long hesitation, ordered a club soda. There were days like these when the urge of drinking was stronger and the last thing to do was to stay alone in a dark, smoky bar. He knew it. He swung the glass in his hand, and sighed heavily, the images of Sam crying and suffering still vivid in his mind and giving him no rest. He was the one who knew about the baby, the one who could protect her but he had failed. He should've convinced her harder to stay at the office but he had let her go…and it had happened. He should've found the words to make her pain away, but he hadn't. He should've…

"You look so serious…" a woman said, snapping him out of his thoughts. Turning his head on his left, he saw the gorgeous woman he had seen some hours earlier. She had changed clothes, now wearing a black figure-hugging dress, and her makeup made the deep blue of her eyes stand out. If she had been someone else and if it was a normal day, she would've been the first woman he would've flirted with.

"Hello, you're Calista, right?" he said, staring at her, "I'm Danny"

"Hi, we've already met, remember?" she gently smiled.

"Yeah, I know but we haven't been introduced properly, I'm…" Danny replied but Calista cut him off, "I know who you are. Danny Taylor, 32, Special Agent of the FBI, been working there for seven years, a brother – Rafael-, two nephews …"

Danny raised an eyebrow in astonishment causing Calista to laugh. "How do you…?" he asked.

"Martin" she explained, "You became his main topic of conversation when he first started at the FBI. He told me a lot about you and how you gave him a bad time. You went from 'arrogant little bastard' to 'crazy hothead', without forgetting – of course -, the 'insensible jerk'…But one day, you were promoted to 'friend' and Martin changed. I had never seen my brother being so…good. He really cares about your friendship."

Danny smiled sadly, a taste of regret in the back of his throat, but said nothing. Frowning, Calista examined his face: his clenched jaw, his drawn features and the way he played with his glass said it all.

"Bad day, huh?"

Staring into space, he nodded. He felt her eyes on him and without knowing why, he felt like talking to her, confiding to her, like to an old friend. Danny wasn't the kind of man who trusted people easily; actually he could count the people he really trusted on the fingers of his hand but there was something in Calista who made him feel better, safe…Somehow, he felt connected to her. Still looking at some invisible point in front of him, he spoke, "One of my friends is going through something really bad and, and, and I know I could have done to prevent that, if only I…"

"Hey" she said softly, "You could change the world with if's but in real life, all you can do is doing your best. You feel sorry for your friend, and it's completely understandable but are you really sure that your actions could've prevented them from being hurt?"

Danny looked at her. He should've convinced Sam harder but in the end, it had been her call; he should've told Jack about her pregnancy but she was only three-months pregnant, she was fine and it was her life, it was up to her to tell him. What happened had been caused by the scared reaction of a junkie…. He shook his head, "Maybe…I don't know…It's just killing me to know she's hurt."



Calista looked at him sympathetically as he kept talking, "Everything is so wrong, you know…I feel like I can't control anything, my friends are getting hurt and I can't do nothing about it, I mean…If I was a better friend, a better agent or, or, or a better man…I could've prevented the people I love from suffering…" he said, thinking about Sam lying in her hospital bed, Martin almost dying in his arms and the face of Caitlyn when he had broken her heart.

"That's depressing…I don't know you Danny but I know one thing, you're not damn Superman, his tights wouldn't fit you anyway" she said as he smiled faintly, "If you want to feel sorry for yourself, that's ok, we can have a self-pity session together but you'll need a real drink for that…"

"I don't drink" Danny replied…automatically.

"Never?"

"Never."

"The only things I get from my parents are lots of hair and the love of red wine" she said, mentioning her glass.

Danny looked at the beautiful, shining curls falling upon her shoulders and couldn't help smiling, "I love the hair" he said, "and well, actually, I used to love wine as well. The problem is that I loved it too much…"

"Oh…ehm…does it bother you if I drink alcohol?" she asked, concerned.

"No, that's nice of you to ask but I'm ok…I mean…I haven't had a drink for nine years, I can handle it."

He couldn't believe he had talked about his alcoholism so easily. He expected to see pity or disgust flashing through Calista's eyes but all he saw was kindness and respect.

"You know, I'm a troubleholic" she said simply. Danny laughed, "Nice word"

"Oh it does exist" Calista replied seriously, "look up in the dictionary and you will see. Troubleholism: syndrome of Calista Fitzgerald. Stay away from her, she's bad news"

"You're exaggerating"

"Of course I am, it's part of the game, right?…wallowing in self-pity…" she smiled, maliciously.

"Alright…"Danny said, thinking, "I begin: I can't keep a serious relationship…"

"I don't even try to be in one…" Calista replied, staring at him. "My turn, I have a juvenile record…sealed of course, my father is good for something."

"I have one as well…I lost both my parents and the only family I've left is in jail" Danny said, a shadow coming across his face.

"My whole family hates me" Calista told him, and judging by the tone of her voice, the game began to become serious.

"Calista..ehm…I'm sure they don't ha…" Danny tried to comfort her but she cut him off, "Believe me they do…It's your turn."

Danny kept quiet during a few seconds, then spoke, slowly…painfully. "I lost my best friend and I don't know how to make things right."

"Marty?" she asked.

"Yeah…He changed so much since the shooting…I mean, I thought we had got over it, well, we haven't really talked about it and maybe we, no, we should've talked about it but now, it's just impossible. He wouldn't listen to me. I don't recognize him anymore. He became cold…"

"He became a Fitzgerald…There's nothing surprising about it…"

"I just can't talk to him, you know? We're always fighting and he told me things that I can't forgive and that I can't forget…But I don't wanna hate him either." Danny said, taking a sip of his soda.

"You know, he's great. I've always looked up to him and I love him so much. If he became like this, it's because of my parents and because of me…" Calista replied, looking down.

"What happened between you two?" Danny asked.

"Let's just say I made a deal with the Devil" Calista answered. Danny knew she wouldn't say more. The game was over.

XXX

Daylight piercing through the curtains, Danny woke up. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked at his grey alarm clock when he heard someone breathe next to him. Turning his head, he saw her, sleeping peacefully, her long hair spreading all over the pillow. Danny delicately lifted up the sheets and looked underneath. There was no doubt about what had happened during the night. He put his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes, remembering what had happened.

They had talked till late in that bar and the next thing he knew he was in his apartment, kissing her and wanting more. He remembered her hot breath against his lips, her perfume filling his head, his cracked voice turning him on. He remembered the rustling of her dress when it felt to the floor, his heart pounding in his chest when she pressed her beautiful naked body against him and the softness of her skin when he brushed against it. He remembered her cheeks turning pink when he teased her with his caresses, her eyes burning with desire and her tensed body craving for more, always more. But what he remembered the most was that wonderful feeling of oblivion he felt when they both melt in each other, passion being almost intolerable.

The night was over now and he realized what he had done. It was Martin's sister, the daughter of the Deputy Director of the FBI, and above all, a woman he didn't want to hurt. He heard her move and looked at her.

"Mmmh" Calista moaned, waking up, " 'Morning"