Chapter 10
It all Breaks Loose
While the majority of the Smashers had been focused on restoring order to Fox and beating unconsciousness into Captain Falcon, the rest outsmarted Adam into attacking someone else instead of Link. No sooner than the first fifteen seconds of Justin Bieber played, Adam declared him a sacrilege to human ears and ran off. Samus lugged her boyfriend out of the ditch and gave him one of the fairies she now kept on hand.
Senator 1 had been humped to death by Kirby—nobody had gotten him any medical attention. Senator 2 had been Up+B done on her and wasn't a Smasher. She was dead too. Now a nervous looking but equally angry Senator 3 assumed center mic.
"Very well then, I believe we've had enough from Captain Falcon," Senator 3 declared.
"Phew; we just-a made him a statue too," Mario sighed in relief. No one wanted to bring him back out.
"Mario! How can you? You just used physical pain as a punishment! That's utterly barbaric!" Senator 3 accused.
"In case you haven't-a noticed, we come from a lot-a different time periods," Mario explained. "With-a so many differing systems we settled upon the easiest system of a neighborhood watch archetype. Not to-a mention that our number includes those like the-a King of Evil."
Mario pointed to Ganondorf, who flipped him off; the cameras caught it and reporters filed it away. Senator 3 nodded. "Very well I suppose you have a point. He does look like he's plotting evil, doesn't he?"
Link's head shot up in alarm from where he was being healed, and two seconds later he was in the air sword in mid swing. Ganondorf flinched down hid on the ground, but Samus caught Link by his belt and pulled him back. Ganondorf sighed in relief, only to realize a peeved looking Zelda was standing over him.
Oddly enough, it was Toon Link who saved Ganondorf's life. He walked over oblivious to the murder in front of him and tugged on Zelda's skirt. "What's this all about?" he asked.
Zelda cooed sweetly and began explaining it to him. Link and Isaac found this highly unfair. Toon Link was Link, and yet he was given better treatment than himself. Isaac was upset because he was her boyfriend and was just a likely target. Then again, considering that it was his child she was carrying, maybe he was slightly at fault. He was going to murder whoever spiked that punch.
"I think that we've pretty much covered the basics then," Senator 3 decided.
Samus frowned. "It's only been about four hours. And we haven't discussed anything," she noted.
"I know."
"This does not sound good..."
A loud banging by the gavel stopped any other noise and Senator 3 cleared his throat. He glanced around at the Senate before deciding. "The Senate has reached their decision. As shown through evidence gathered solely during this hearing, the Super Smash Brothers Franchise and therefore all of Nintendo is unfit to live as they continuously display endless amounts of debauchery and horror," Senator 3 announced. There was a lengthy, awkward pause as Mario's six minutes were up. "My point is proven. You all must be executed."
Link put an arm out in front of Samus and Toon Link while drawing the Master Sword with the other. "You might be the US Congress, but I would rather die before letting anyone close to me get hurt," Link warned.
Senator 3 banged his hammer in anger as murmurs rose, but he was interrupted by every screen and microphone being hijacked. Mark's face appeared on the screen.
"Attention all sentient beings," Mark began. Samus sweat dropped; this couldn't be any better. "I am Mark, head general of the forces of Emperor Pikachu. We will now be invading all corners of the earth to bring you under our rule. Do not resist and you will be unharmed. That is all."
The hijacking ended and silence fell upon the room. The first one to answer Mark's declaration of war was Samus.
"This is so not the right time," Samus muttered. And Pikachu probably expects me to lead his armies, too. To make matters worse, someone had issues to Pikachu's world seizing.
A white clad figure leapt to a desk. "This cannot be!" Altair declared angrily. "All for Lord Kirby!" With a howl of allegiance the assassins ran out with Kirby, killing everyone in the way.
"This is insanity!" Pit shouted. "This all belongs to the great goddess Palutena! Followers, legions, descend and secure the goddess's realms!" The roof broke open and as angels descended in hordes from Skyworld to battle the other three forces. Pit pulled out an automatic pistol and gunned down the reporters for good measure before leaving.
And of course, Marth turned to Popo. "You ready dawg?" he asked.
"Snap I am! For the Sith," Popo agreed. The two turned on their lightsabers and entered the war on their own side.
The remaining Smashers watched in complete resignation. It only made sense that this would end up coming out of the hearing for their life; World War 3 would be started by Pikachu. Why didn't they see this coming?
"Someone somewhere put this into action, by accident or design, and I intend to make them pity Falcon," Samus grumbled. She turned back to the Senate, who obviously had never spent a day in their company before. "Look, I know you don't like us and all that, feeling's mutual, but if you don't mind then we'll be stopping those guys from—"
"Nonsense!" Senator 3 shouted, banging his gavel. "You planned all this to keep us from executing you. Well too bad! You will all die now!" Behind him the Senate was nodding their firm agreement.
Ike looked up to scowl at them and frowned. He nudged Lyn next to him, who in turn nudged Red. "Uh, sir?" Red called.
"Silence you cockfighter! We will have values and you will not undermine them!"
"Sir there's—"
"Our word is law when we get along! We are AUGH!" Senator 3 screamed. What he had failed to notice until just then was that a zombie was sneaking up on him. Specifically, an author zombie. The zombie had broken free through constant tugging, it's hands coming off. So while the hands—restrained to the keyboard and typing—were useless, the fact remained that a hand-less zombie was now eating Senator 3.
Everyone watched as the zombie author ate Senator 3 alive. He screamed, but no one wanted to go near him and get bitten. Link and Samus exchanged glanced amidst the screams. The rest of the Senate shouted for their immediate execution. Link gave her an uneasy smile.
"Well...they are plotting to kill us, right?" he asked.
Samus sighed. "I guess so. And since Mario's off with Peach we're in charge," she agreed. "Ok everyone; let's kill off the Senate and then we can stop Pikachu, Kirby, Marth, Pit, and anyone else I missed."
The Senate paled and called for security; six guards lined up to protect them. The Smashers cracked their knuckles.
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"I feel unpatriotic and dirty after that," Fox muttered, wiping blood off his tail.
"Eh, our grand creators are Japanese," Ike shrugged. He didn't care about it as much as some others had. Snake had cried through the event as he knifed a Senator to death.
Ness cleaned his hat off. "So now that we've killed the leaders of the US government and led everything further into chaos, what now smart guys?" he asked.
Samus gave Ness a look. "First things first, we have to find Mark. Chances are he can help stop the assassins, Pit, and Marth. Then in the mean time we can stop Pikachu," she explained. "Although how we're going to stop Pikachu is beyond me."
While they were busy planning, Link glanced over his shoulder. He paled and tapped Samus on the shoulder; she brushed him off. Link grabbed her shoulder and pointed. Any objection Samus had to being handled faded away at the sight approaching them. At least now we know the American Nintendo fans won't be angry with us, Samus thought. They're all in Pikachu's army.
The great Pikachu army had been rebuilt with more power and weaponry than before. Tanks had been replaced with stolen AT-ATs, jets by Arwings and copies of the Halberd, and Pikachu had also added robots and Pokemon to his numbers. Pikachu's generals—Gardevoir, Black Knight, Zero, and of course Mark—stood on top of moving bases, surrounded by legions of fanatic soldiers and weapons. Pikachu himself was in an airship four times the size of the Halberd.
"...Where does he even get the material for this crap?" Fox asked. "And how did he get my blueprints?"
"My baby," Metaknight sobbed. "She isn't special anymore."
"Metaknight, it was only a ship."
"Screw you, ROB. You don't have any land."
There was silence after Metaknight odd remark. Finally Ganondorf groaned and dropped his head. "Look guys, I got some explaining to do," he mumbled, scratching the back of his head. Link raised his sword to kill him but Samus held him back; she wanted to hear. Ganondorf eyed the pregnant Zelda uneasily before continuing. "Before Brawl began, Pikachu and I were talking and I may have...lied about getting treats...by ruling the world..."
…
…
"Come on! I thought it was funny at the time! Who knew this would happen? Please don't hurt me!" Ganondorf asked, holding his arms up to defend himself. However, nobody moved forward to kill him or maim him as Falcon had been so many times.
Zelda raised an eyebrow coolly. "Not even I could have seen this coming. It's not your fault," she assured.
"Really? Then I should probably also say I spiked the punch to get back at Olimar," Ganondorf explained.
"YOU DIE FOR MY PAIN!" Zelda screamed, already beating a sobbing Ganondorf with her shoe.
The top eight that were present gathered for a quick meeting. "Well-a, how about Samus and Link-a got stop-a Pikachu, Fox and-a DK stop Pit, and Luigi and I will-a stop Marth. Everybody else help make sure nobody-a dies," Mario cared.
"Some random soldier just killed our author," Lucas called.
"He doesn't-a count. Let's a go!" Mario ordered.
With a vague plan in mind the Smashers split up and headed towards their various locations. Link and Samus took off ready to kill any soldier that attempted to deal with them. However, none of them even lifted a finger against them, choosing instead to invade and pillage buildings and steal toilet paper. The two traded a glance before the Black Knight moved towards them.
"High General Aran, Emperor Pikachu requests your presence," the Black Knight greeted. He glanced at Link. "Your sex slave is permitted to come."
Link started; he hadn't heard that before. Samus shook her head in exasperation as they were brought a transport to reach Pikachu. The four minute ride was awkward, considering they were trying to kill or stop the soldiers bringing them there. Not to mention the soldiers referred to Samus as High General Aran and Link as High General Aran's sex slave.
They reached Pikachu's flagship and went aboard. Pikachu was standing in his little captain's chair when they walked in, shouting orders to his subordinates.
"Pika pikachu!" he shouted. The world will be mine finally! Oh, High General; how's your sex slave? Link sighed and dropped his head, cheeks turning red. He was glad no one else was there to hear that.
"Pikachu, I need to tell your something," Samus explained. Finally, her friend was going to be free of his madness...
"Pony hairball," Crazy Hand said, poofing into existence. She snapped her fingers and everyone on the ship except for Pikachu, Link, and Samus turned into bird droppings.
...or not.
"Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi!" Pikachu shouted. Butthole!
"Crazy Hand, now is not the time," Samus warned.
Crazy Hand was silent for a second, and then summoned a desert eagle and picked it up. "I want my favor," Crazy Hand explained.
Samus thought hard for a long time. Then she remembered that she had agreed to owe Crazy Hand a favor all the way back in the first story, when Crazy Hand had saved them from the Hydra. It was a disgusting memory, which probably explained why Samus had forgotten it.
"You're kidding me," Samus muttered. "Now? Why does everything hate me?"
"Take two steps right," Crazy ordered.
"Fine," Samus grumbled. She moved the two steps over, folded her arms, and faced Crazy Hand. "Now what?"
"That was it," Crazy explained.
"...Oh."
It kind of made sense that all Crazy Hand would want that for a favor. Samus felt a little bit better; things might go their way.
Crazy Hand fired her Desert Eagle at Samus.
The bounty hunter flinched, only to see Link's body dropping in front her. She screamed as a pool emerged around his body.
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Link jerked to the side, nearly falling out of his chair. Mario glanced oddly at Link next to him. The swordsman frowned and looked around; hadn't he died? But he was sitting in the main room of the Smash Mansion everyone else, while Master Hand was on stage.
Confused, he turned to Samus next to him. "Samus, what's going on?" he asked.
"Shut up pointy ears and stop being smart," she shot back.
Link flinched away from her, hurt filling his features. He barely heard Master Hand going on, "Anyway, the reason I have called you here is on Trainer Red's behalf, who is currently serving as the fifth seat. Somebody has, eh, well, I'll let him explain..."
"Samus, don't you..." Link trailed off, eyes pained.
She gave him a weird look. "What's wrong with you?" she asked, looking as bewildered as he was hurt.
Red was on stage now. "Someone has insulted me and my Pokemon," he declared. Link was faintly listening this time and recognized that saying. He looked around and realized where he'd seen this image before.
By now Mario and a few others had noticed Link's strange behavior. "Link, what's-a going on?" Mario asked. Red looked over in confusion as Link disrupted the meeting.
Link on his part had stood up by now to look over everyone gathered. They were all sitting in so familiar a pattern...
"Link? What's up?" Toon Link asked. Link didn't say anything but instead closed his eyes and focused. Everything around him dimmed in lighting as his menu was brought up over his eyes. He looked at it and the Smashers watched his jaw drop. Link's eyes remained fixed on the screen. It read, Last Save: To Be Rated or Not, Chapter 1.
"Hey, what's he doing hogging my meeting?" Master Hand asked. Link's eyebrow twitched.
"MOTHER F—"