Chapter 10: My Heart

It's my heart you're stealing
It's my heart you take
It's my heart you're dealing with
And it's my heart you'll break

It's my heart you're taking
It's breaking bit by bit
It's my heart you're dealing with
But you don't know about it

If you'd feel like I feel
And if you'd know what I know
I don't think you'd ever play me
I know you'd never play me

~ The Perishers ~

"Brooke, I…I don't know about this," Haley said tugging at the outfit now draped over her body. She was in Brooke's apartment standing in front of the mirror, making awkward faces into it, while Brooke did her own make-up. It wasn't just the clothes either. Haley was a little in awe of the fact that she was standing in Brooke Davis' apartment, let alone her bedroom (a place she knew almost every guy in school would kill to be in), and in her clothes. Not to mention, she would be going out tonight with the elitist of the elite. After school today, Brooke had ordered Haley to get in her VW Beetle in front of the entire student body, and then drove her here. Then she had spent about an hour picking out an outfit for Haley, another hour deciding on make-up and hair, and a third hour putting it all together. Haley's mind was just now slowing down and returning to normal. Her thoughts immediately turned to Nathan. She had no idea how to face him after the debacle of yesterday. She had made a complete fool of herself. Acting sultry and sexy, and then running away for no explicit reason. Of course she knew why, but she could bet that Nathan was beyond confused as well as pissed. She hated herself for trying to act like everything was alright. In fact, she hated herself for the whole entire thing right now.

"Tutor girl, shut up! You're rocking that outfit," Brooke said without even shooting her a glance.

"How would you know? You're not even looking at me," Haley complained. Brooke rolled her now lined eyes and looked Haley up and down. "Tutor girl, you are wearing a tight shirt that highlights your skin tone, and miniskirt that not only shows off your killer legs, but gives quite a view of your ass. You look bitchin'," Brooke squealed, "So quit bitching!" Brooke giggled at her own pun, and Haley felt herself relaxing a little. The deep brown corduroy miniskirt not only brought out her eyes, but made her rosy pink skin tone stand out. And the cap-sleeve pale pink t-shirt was a nice complement. She relaxed into the outfit, and brushed out her long honey blonde hair, so just a handful of it came down over her shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Haley asked looking in the mirror once more.

"Yes! Now come on, Luke's probably already been waiting for 20 minutes."

Brooke grabbed her bag and the two girls exited the apartment to meet Lucas, who was driving them. The ride there Haley was pretty quiet as Brooke trilled on and on about her day at school. Lucas contributed some questions, but Brooke's bubbly personality mostly took over. When they got to Tric, and crossed the threshold, her silence worsened. Haley immediately spotted Nathan and Rachel on the dance floor. Rachel was all over Nathan, rubbing her body aggressively against his. Haley stood basically alone for a few moments, as Lucas went to get drinks, and Brooke's social butterfly persona came to light with the people around them. Finally, when Lucas returned, with 3 drinks, she had something else to concentrate on then the scarring image of Rachel marking Nathan as hers for the entire world to see. She watched the two of them, analyzing their relationship. Rachel seemed really into it, dancing sluttily, and shaking her ass in front of Nathan. Nathan appeared kind of bored. As if he wasn't complaining, but he wasn't really enjoying himself either. Haley comforted herself with this thought, but immediately hated herself for it.

"You ok alone, Hales?" she heard, while she was lost in a maze inside her head. She turned to look at Lucas with a blank expression on her face. "I want to dance with Brooke awhile. Are you going to be okay alone?" he repeated.

"Oh yeah sure," she said, offering a small smile, "I'll be fine."

As Haley watched everyone dance, she felt alone and sad, as if she were shrinking back into herself. Her gaze held the longest of Rachel in Nathan's arms. How she wished that were her. That Nathan's strong muscular arms would curve around her body all out in the open for everyone to see. At that moment she caught Nathan's eye. He stared at her intently, his blue eyes, dark as the ocean during the night, drinking her in. She willed him to walk away from Rachel and come to her, she wanted him to so badly. Of course, she knew he wouldn't, but it seemed as if he might just now. As if he would really get up and show her how he felt. But abruptly he looked away and turned back to Rachel. Anger and pain flared inside of Haley. She could feel herself starting to cry, and she quickly wiped them away. She was so sick of crying because of Nathan Scott. Obviously, he didn't want her. It had all been something of a lie from the beginning. God, she wanted him. She wanted him so badly. She loved him. But she knew that despite how much he wanted her body, and needed her in some sense, he would never love her. He would never give up Rachel and all that entailed for her. He would never ever love her enough.

Nathan peeked back at Haley a few minutes after their eyes had met. She looked so beautiful, that he almost hadn't been able to control himself from running up to her and kissing her senseless. The soft locks of her long blonde hair were begging his fingers to run through them. The strawberry pink of her lips looked absolutely edible. And her legs, oh lord, her legs. He wanted to run his hands over them. They looked so smooth and rosy from all this distance. He ached to touch her and prove it true. Nathan longed to dance his fingertips over those long gorgeous creatures, and spread them apart, and make her his. Fully his. God, he had to look away before, because she was so beautiful. But now as he tried to catch her eye again, she would never meet it.

After a few more dances, the couples all made their way back to the table. Peyton stopped by for a second to kiss Jake. She nodded at Haley, as if there were an understanding between them, which Nathan found slightly odd, but didn't question. He kept sneaking peeks at Haley, willing her to look his way. He hooked his foot with hers under the table, but she withdrew it immediately. He looked at her, a question mark on his face, but she just sat there stoic. Soon her expression shifted to discomfort, as the rest of the 5 of them carried on a conversation about basketball and school and such. Rachel didn't bother to hide her disdain for Haley, or her wonderment at why she was there. Nathan sighed. This night was a disaster. Rachel wouldn't leave his side, and Haley was beyond pissed at him. God, he just wanted it all to go away. An announcement broke him from his thoughts.

"Hey hey hey, as much as all of you love the music I'm pouring out, it's time to showcase some T,A, talent. First off thank Ms. Peyton Sawyer for letting this music wander your way." A huge cheer interrupted the DJ, and Nathan could see Peyton blushing, especially after their table began to call out her name, almost drowning out the rest of people. "And without further ado, I'd like to invite anyone who thinks they can sing to go get up on that stage, and perform your little hearts out."

Nathan watched the expression on Haley's face change, as the DJ announced that Open Mic performances would now begin, and as he continued to give out instructions. Earlier she had just sat there bored and seemingly uncomfortable. Now she looked scared and a little bit sad, but there was something else in her eyes, that he couldn't quite decipher. Yet, he turned his attention away from her as Jake stood up.

"That's my cue," he said with a smile, and began to walk towards the stage. Nathan could see Peyton rifling through a box of cds, but she looked up and smiled as she saw Jake cross the room to the stage. Nathan felt a momentary thrill of envy run through him. Jake and Peyton seemed so carefree; they were just happy doing the things they loved and being together. He knew he hadn't felt like that in a long time. In fact the last time he remembered being truly happy was playing basketball alone over the summer just for himself, and meeting and hanging out with Haley towards the end. That thought sucked, because he knew the one person who made him happy was sick of him making her feel like shit. He sighed, and his fluttered away from his thoughts as the acts began to perform.

The first was a pompous guy, who looked to be a bit older than Nathan and his friends. He was spiky-haired and really skinny. Nathan rolled his eyes as the guy began to play, but he noticed through the corner of his eye that Haley seemed to really enjoy watching this guy play. She was staring at him intently, and swaying almost imperceptibly to the music. As the guy's act finished, she stood up and rushed from the table somewhere. Lucas and Brooke were too busy in their own world to notice her flight, as was Rachel who seemed to be absorbed in her nails. But Nathan watched her in wonder, completely missing the performer's name and cocky message at the end.

Jake came on next, and Brooke and Lucas broke apart to listen to him. Lucas had lipstick smeared on the corner of his mouth. Nathan rolled his eyes again and raised his eyebrows at him. Lucas just shrugged with a giddy smile on his face. Nathan shook his head and turned back to the stage, as Jake adjusted his guitar.

"Uh, this song is for Peyton," he said with a sheepish grin. Nathan could see Peyton beaming from the middle of the room, and once again he felt that flutter of resentment. "I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after," Jake sang launching into a cover of Elliot Smith's "Say Yes."

Nathan listened to him, glancing intermittently at Brooke and Lucas who were cuddled up together smiling at the stage, and Peyton who was swaying to the music, the look of love shining on her face. As Jake played the final chord, a loud whoop of clapping exploded along with cheers of his name. Tomato red crept up to his face but he smiled, and nodded as he walked back to the table. Lucas patted his back, and Brooke kissed his cheek, as the three of them began to talk quietly.

Nathan zoned out for the next few acts, guzzling down his drink, and closing his eyes, wondering where Haley had gone, when he heard that oh so familiar name and then voice. "Thank you," it said quietly, and he looked up to see Haley sitting on stage in front of a keyboard, looking scared shitless. He caught her eye finally, and her lip trembled, but she looked away. Nathan didn't even need to look behind him to see the shocked looks. He could sense them, as everyone at their table and anyone who vaguely knew her stared shamelessly.

"I… I wrote this song*," Haley said mumbling her words. He could hear Rachel laughing behind him with some of their friends, but his gaze was intent on her. She began to play hesitantly at first and then her voice somehow sank in.

Are you trying make me sad?
Or to keep me on my toes?
Not the best you've ever had
But you say I'm pretty close

Moonlight or sunshine ,
Morning or night time
I choose to be alone
To be my own

Are you trying make me sad?
Jealousy's a powerful force
You're the best I've ever had
But you're not mine, and I'm not yours

Moonlight or sunshine,
Morning or night time
I choose to be alone
To be my own

The birds all sing in blue
Now that summer is over
They'll move south and so will you
You did wrong but you made it seem
right, right, right

As her voice came to a soft end, her hands fluttered from the keyboard and onto her lap, and she gulped, seemingly staring out at the audience, but really only at him. He nodded, over and over, unsure of what to do or say, unsure of how to feel. God, that song made him realize what a complete jackass he was. All the excuses and all the lies no longer had any shred of defense. He was mistreating Rachel, and he had completely bruised Haley, more than he could have ever imagined. And now more than anything else, he sensed that she just wanted to be free of him. She wanted to be alone now. And he knew he should try to respect that; he really did, but he had no idea what he even wanted anymore.

As Nathan's thoughts swirled his mind, he looked up to see Haley shaking as her fingers rolled into each other. He could see the few stray tears on her cheek, but she wiped them away and stood up. As she did, a thunderous applause came over the room. She tried to smile, but instead wobbly made her way back to their table. Peyton had somehow also wandered her way back to the table, on a break from working.

"Haley," she stopped the girl before she could sit down, "That was phenomenal." She said it quietly, and with conviction, and Nathan knew that was no light compliment coming from Peyton.

Haley nodded, a serious expression on her face, and let Peyton squeeze her hand, before she inched past her to sit down.

"You never told me she could sing," Brooke yelled at Lucas, hitting him on the chest.

"Ow!" he said loudly, widening his eyes, "I knew she played instruments, but I didn't know she sang like that," he said, impressed, "Seriously, Haley, you were so great," he said standing up now to give her a hug. She returned it tightly. "Thanks Luke." Lucas smiled at her, and from the way she smiled back, Nathan knew that the two of them were solid once again. And he could see Lucas sensed it too, as he squeezed her shoulder.

"We should get together, and do a duet next time they have one of these things," Jake offered, and Haley smiled, opening her mouth to answer, when an arm swooped in and circled her shoulder. Nathan glared at the pelty-haired kid, who was now all over her. "I think she'd prefer to work with me," he said, with an air of confidence.

Haley looked up at him in awe. "Your song was amazing, so expressive, and the lyrics are so real," she said gushing to him like a crazed fan.

He shrugged with a cocky smile, "I know." Nathan glared at him, but the guy ignored him. "You weren't bad either. The song was good, but you could do with a little bit of melody work." Haley nodded her head several times, clearly taken in by what this guy was saying. "So what's your name?"

"Haley James," she replied.

"Nice to meet you, Haley James," he said, squeezing her shoulder with the hand that was still draped over it, "In case you didn't hear, I'm Chris Keller." Haley smiled up at him. "And Chris Keller has some studio time coming up, and a track that he could use some female vocals on. You interested?"

"Oh my God, are you serious? Of course. Thank you," she said turning so that she could hug him. Chris hugged her back, and moved his hands to her waist to bring her closer to him. Nathan could feel his fists balling up, and he took a possessive step closer.

They stepped out of the hug. "Is this your boyfriend?" Chris asked, gesturing to Nathan, who was now hovering closely to them. Haley blushed deeply while the rest of the friends, except Peyton and Nathan began to laugh, none more than Rachel who had sauntered her way back to them.

"Please," Rachel said, rolling her eyes to say that a guy like Nathan would never be with a girl like Haley. She looped her arms through the crook of his elbow, and rubbed aggressively against him, "This one's mine," she said a less than subtle possessive tone in her voice. Nathan tightened his grip on her, never having wanted to break her neck more than at this moment.

Chris gave Rachel the once-over and looked unimpressed. He returned his gaze to Haley, who was biting her lip. "So you're the seventh wheel, then?"

"She's not any kind of wheel," Nathan spit out, and Haley glared at him. Chris smirked at Nathan, and if it wasn't for Rachel's hold on him, he knew he would have jumped out and punched the guy. Haley looked at Chris, and shrugged.

"Well then I believe, I am obligated to ask you to dance," he said offering his hand. Haley took it without one glance at Nathan. She smiled almost shyly at Chris, and let him draw her away to the dance floor.

"Aw, they'd be such a cute couple," Brooke cooed as the group sat and watched them dance, "They're both musical, and Haley's so sweet and shy, while he's so overconfident." Everyone nodded their assents, except Rachel who rolled her eyes again.

Nathan could feel the vomit swirling in his throat and he stormed away from the table, finally managing to extricate himself from Rachel's grasp. He hurried until he got to the corner and stared out at Haley dancing with Chris. He was twirling her around and talking while Haley smiled and laughed. She had never appeared so lighthearted to him. He sighed and banged his hand against the brick wall.

"You've got to make a decision," he heard, and whirled around to see Peyton standing in front of him.

"Huh?" She swiveled her head to where Haley was dancing. He followed her gaze and then slowly turned his face back to her, realizing what she meant. "You know?" Peyton nodded. "That's why you were acting like such a bitch this morning."

Peyton gave him a fake smile. "Thanks, Nate, you were a barrel of laughs too."

He ignored her sarcasm, and turned back to look at Haley. "Are you gonna tell Rachel?"

Peyton started to laugh. "Please, Nathan. I'm not making things any easier for you."

He nodded, with the knowledge that Peyton would always force him to man up. "I don't know what to do, Peyton," he mumbled, letting her into his head, and what he was really thinking for possibly the first time in months.

Peyton watched him, sympathy going out to him, and she lifted her hand to put on his shoulder. She let it linger for a moment, before taking it away and saying, "Well you better figure it out. Because she's not going to wait much longer for you. You're going to lose her." He nodded, and she turned to walk away. After a few minutes, he followed her out, and went back to the table. There was no point in watching Haley with him. It would only make him hurt more. The only thing he could do was let the night go on, pretend as if she didn't exist, until the time where he would try to persuade her away from Chris Keller, when he could get her alone.

As Nathan returned to the table, he saw that Brooke and Lucas had vacated to dance. Rachel was also off somewhere, and Peyton and Jake were roaming around the club together, making sure everything was continuing to run smoothly. He sat down alone at the table, his head in his hands, letting the events of the night wash over him. Then he was interrupted by two people sitting down at the other side of table, and he opened his eyes to see Haley and that punk deep in conversation. The asshole was staring at her chest, as she spoke, Nathan observed and his anger started to burn. He wanted to interrupt them, to drag Haley out of there, but he knew he couldn't. He knew he would completely lose her if he did anything now. God, he hated the way he felt now. He never thought he needed her likes this, but he did, God he did.

"So why doesn't a girl like you have a boyfriend?" Chris asked leaning in closer to Haley.

Haley blushed and shrugged. "Most guys just don't seem to want to be with nerds. You know, when they could be with the popular cheerleader." Even though she wasn't looking at him as she said it, Nathan could still feel Haley's eyes on him. He clenched his hand into a fist, before grabbing an empty drink from the table and pretend guzzling it down.

"High School," Chris said rolling his eyes, "An amazing girl like you doesn't need idiots like that."

Haley smiled at him, the rose tint on her cheeks, brightening. She looked so beautiful in that moment that Nathan couldn't look away, even though he desperately wanted to. "So I'm amazing," she asked, quietly.

Chris chuckled. "Well you're not bad as a singer or songwriter. You could use some work. But you're nice and innocent; I'll definitely give you that."

Haley giggled, and Nathan looked up sharply. Haley never laughed like that. Never. She wasn't some flirtatious bimbo, but she was flirting with Chris. Damnit, he thought, as his hand made contact with the wood of the table. Haley and Chris looked at him strangely, before returning to their conversation.

"I have studio time Sunday afternoon. Come, and then we can go out afterwards, just the two of us." Nathan's blood started to boil. He didn't even ask her out, he just expected her to be there. As if she didn't have a life.

"I'd like that," Haley said softly. She smiled at Chris, and he stood up.

"Chris Keller's time here is done, but I'll see you on Sunday." Haley nodded, enthusiastically, and stood up too to hug him. Their hug was held close and tight for several moments and as they stepped apart, Chris held onto her arm and said, "Wait, Haley," he said, gently taking her cheek in his hand and guiding her lips to his. They kissed for a few moments, and Nathan could feel his world falling out from under him. When they pulled away, Haley smiled again at Chris. "I can't wait. Really." He smirked at her before pecking her lips once more and disappearing into the crowd, to exit the building. Haley sank back into a chair, sighing with joy, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Have fun tonight, Hales?" Nathan bit out, disdain and sarcasm radiating his words.

She turned and glared at him. "Fuck off, Nathan."

He felt his body arch backwards. She only cursed when she was really mad. He knew he was digging himself into a deeper hole, but he couldn't stop. "I'd rather fuck you," he smirked at her. He knew he was being an asshole to her, but that was the only way he knew how to conceal how much she had cut him.

Her eyes almost turned red, as shot him the angriest look he had ever received. "Leave me the hell alone, Nathan. We're not together, you made that pretty clear," her eyes began to fill with tears; "I can't keep doing this to myself. I finally have a chance to be happy, so just leave me alone!" She shook her head and got up running from the table and the club.

Nathan chased after her, following her down the stairs leading outside. "Wait, Hales," he said panting, as he caught up with her against a brick wall close to the parking lot.

She turned, letting the cool night air surround her, "What?"

Nathan grabbed her hips, holding her up against the wall. He ran his hands up over her creamy legs, and through her silky honey locks, covering his own body over hers. The thing he had wanted to do since he had first seen her tonight, and even the first late summer afternoon he met her. He could feel her panting; he could feel her desire as he pressed against her just so. And he smirked, before whispering in her ear, his tongue swirling over it, "You know, he'll never make you feel the way that I do." He dragged his lips down her jaw. "He won't make you shiver with one glance, Haley; you won't have butterflies with him -- the ones I feel on your skin every time I touch you." And finally, he left a trail of kisses down her neck, before returning to her ear. "He won't have you screaming his name like you shout mine; you'll never be his like you are mine.

Haley shuddered under him and surrendered to his kiss, pressing her body against him and drinking every familiar but irresistible part of him in. She let his tongue join with hers, and she moaned into his mouth, running her hands over his neck and through his short raven locks. She wanted him so much now. Yet, in a moment the kiss broke apart, and she looked him straight in his dark blue eyes clouded with leftover potent jealousy and now desire, and said, "And he'll never hurt me like you do."

Nathan's arms dropped from around her waist, and he stared at her, not knowing what to do, afraid of saying anything, especially the wrong thing. He didn't need to be. She just walked away instead.

[*Apologies to The Perishers, for it is your song that Haley sang]