Chapter ten: Biding Sherlock farewell

I exhaled as I surveyed Baker Street. It stood empty and abandoned now. Every piece of furniture had been moved out. Linda and Sherlock stood quietly by my side as I surveyed the room with a woeful song pressing on my heart, soul and mind. After several long moments, I turn and retreated down the stairs to where Mrs. Hudson was talking with Charles in the kitchen.

Hearing my footsteps, they stood up. Charles hung back as Mrs. Hudson walked up to me and hugged me. "Oh my dear," I could hear her fighting back tears. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too." I hugged her tightly. "I'm going to miss this place as well." I cough lightly. "I'm sure that you can find someone to rent that flat, especially since it was his."

She shakes her head as she pulls away. "No, I can't…at least not just yet."

I nod. "I know. A memory is just as painful as a broken heart."

Charles, as if sensing my need to speak with her privately, speaks up. "I'll take the kids to the flat, put them to bed and keep an eye on them."

"Thank you Charles." I hug him and my babies before watching him walk out of the flat. I look to Mrs. Hudson and exhale. "Am I doing the right thing?"

"Yes." She guides me to the kitchen chair before standing to prepare me a cup of hot tea. I don't object, as I have managed to get a taste of hot tea and I've started to like it, depending on the flavor. "I can see why you'd have doubts, but this is for the best. Your heart needs to heal. Once out of here, you can really do that."

"I love Sherlock." I confess quietly, feeling a little ashamed for still loving my deceased husband while there was another man, alive and waiting for my love. I look up at her as she approaches and hands me a teacup. "I don't understand. Why does…my love for him have to hurt so much? It's like…a cancer of the heart. I know I've got the cancer and I do not seek treatment because the pain is too pleasurable for me."

"Because Tammy," Mrs. Hudson says as she places a hand atop mine. "you loved him completely. You loved a man who never loved anyone in his life and you got him to return your love. It was almost a victory prize, but it was something way more beautiful."

"I can't let him go."

"No one," she says as she picks up her teacup and looks aside for a moment, a shadow in her eyes. "ever truly, forgets the man they loved, even after they die. It doesn't even matter if they were good or bad, but you loved them and they just seem to hold onto you after then." I knew she was speaking from experience, I could see that in her eyes. She turns to me. "Can you not find a small place in your heart for Charles?"

I shake my head as I lifted up my teacup. "Sherlock still has a hold of my heart and mind. Charles…I admit it, he's gotten into a small corner of my heart and mind, but…Sherlock still dominates my very existence."

She studies me for a moment. "Have you gone to Sherlock's grave lately? Talked with him? Sat there or anything like that?"

"No."

"Maybe you should do that. I hear it does wonders for an aching heart."

I return my cup to the saucer and exhale. "Does it truly?"

She's silent for a moment. "You were such a lucky woman and he was a lucky man, but…that time has passed now. He loved you too much to expect you cling to his memory. He'd want you loved, safe and cherished. Your children, as time goes by, especially Sherlock, will need a man to influence his life and Charles is a fine man. Now… I suggest that you go and talk with him. It'll make you feel better. Clear things up in your mind a bit."

Later that afternoon,

I stood over Sherlock's grave and looked down at him. I felt as if I were a dishonest wife confessing her affair to her husband for a few moments. Noticing a present a few birds had left behind on his gravestone, I reached into my purse for a few antibacterial wipes. After cleaning up the mess, I exhaled and ran my finger across his name.

I'd never known his middle name and it wasn't on his gravestone. In fact, I didn't know many things about my husband. It had been a wild mad courtship and highly physical marriage between us. I smiled and blushed as I recalled some the maddening and passionately crazy moments between us. I hated to admit, but we were very sexually active once we were alone together. Sherlock was more active than I was, but I had a hunger for it as well. Once we decided to have a baby, he'd never let me go a single day without letting me feel his affections. He'd speak sly innuendo's that only would catch my attention in public or he'd whisper words of seduction in my ear.

Charles was nothing like him in this way at all. It was as if he had no time for romance. Then, when Sherlock had died, it was as if he'd killed a part of me. Making me incapable to love anyone other than him.

I exhale and kneel down beside the grave. "Hey, I haven't been down here in a while." I exhale and sit down to pull out a few weeks that had sprung up. I bite my lip for a minute. "I'm leaving Baker Street….I'm moving in with someone else. His name is Charles, you might have met him since he worked at Bart's, I don't know. I'm not in love with Sherlock, not yet. I'm very comfortable and I'm happy when I'm with him. But…he's not you. In truth…I don't really know what I'm doing here, talking to you like this. I guess…I, I'm seeking your blessing, I guess. I know that I said I'd die an unmarried woman if I hadn't met you and that's true. I'd never have married anybody else. In truth, I wouldn't be seeking a relationship with Charles if weren't for the fact our two children. I can't guarantee that I won't fall in love with Charles, or someone else, but…it's been two years now. But I do promise you that they'll never, ever, completely take your place. There'll always be a space in my heart that will always be in you and no one else is going to take it. For truth, I don't think any man could fill up that space in my heart." I stand up and survey the gravestone. "I won't be coming down here again Sherlock, it's really for the best. I know, my heart, head and body still long for you to come back, but you can't, so I really have to move on. And I can't move on if I insist on holding onto everything connected with you."

I pull a chain from my pocket and begin to remove all three rings he'd given me. I begin to place them on the chain. "I can't bear to be completely without these yet, so, I'm going to hang onto them for a little while longer." I slide the chain around my neck, lowering the rings so they slide deep into my neckline. If anyone looked at me, it would appear that I simply wore a chain. I bite my lip before confessing. "I don't think I ever will forgive you for ending what we had together. I was happy Sherlock, happiest when I was with you. It was more than being happy though. I felt loved, wanted and I felt beautiful. Nothing could describe the feelings of contentment I felt when I was with you and you held me close."

I stand up as I brush the dirt from my legs. "Goodbye Sherlock and….in spite of what happened, I honestly do thank you for everything. Thank you for those crazy days and all those wonderful moments we shared together. Thank you for those two beautiful children we created together." I smiled sadly. "Especially the children, I know you didn't really want them, but you did it for me." I rest my hand atop the gravestone. "I wish you could have honestly left me a clue about why you did what you did, but I hope it was a good reason. Goodbye."

With that, I turned and walked out of the graveyard towards my future.

The next part of the story continues with 'Gravity,' you'll find it on my profile page.