December 9, 2013

The thing about leaving the decision in Emily's hands is that he feels like he's itching just under his skin all day. To the point where it's distracting and he doesn't feel like he's gotten any work done. What makes it worse is that the day's a slow one. Well, it certainly feels slow, at least. Because he wants an answer from her.

If he's honest, he's not entirely sure what the straw had been. He has no idea what it is, exactly that had him moving in to kiss her under the mistletoe, nor yesterday, when he'd been so very up front with her. He'd definitely never anticipated even making a decision to try with her, not with her so far away.

But it's Emily.

And she's been right there.

If Haley's death had taught him anything it was to seize the moment. Cliché, of course, but that didn't make the theory any less true. On the contrary, it had only solidified it. Made it more important. Especially now, face with Emily, face with the distance, the movement and he cannot let her just walk away again. Not this time. Not like he'd done before. If he let her walk without telling her, without letting her know that there's a whole lot more at play for him, he thinks that maybe he'll never see her again, Jack or no Jack.

He'd taken a chance.

And all he wants to know is if it's a chance that will pay off.

Thing is, he'd promised not to push. He'd promised to give her time, like she'd asked for; space, like she'd asked for and he cannot go back on that now. Not if he really wants her. Because if he really wants her, he has to let her come to him.

The tentative knock makes his head shoot up. It would be embarrassing, maybe amusing if it had been Rossi or JJ at the door, but the woman standing there isn't part of his team anymore.

"Emily."

"Hotch."

Her fingers are playing with something, a candy cane he realizes at the same time she does.

"Oh, it's yours. Jack pulled a little one out of his calendar and when I said I used to bring them for you guys, he wanted to do it. He's, um, down in the bullpen."

He's safe there, Hotch thinks, and it gives him a moment for this. A moment for her. He comes around his desk and towards her, honestly glad his blinds are already closed – no one needs to see how absolutely scattered he's been over her. Still, he stops dead about a foot in front of her, fingers twitching. He cannot cross that line, not without her.

Her heart leaps when she reaches over to push the door closed, chewing her lip. "Hotch, it's insane."

"Is it?" he finds himself asking. He actually has to slide his hands into his pockets.

"Of course it is. Hotch, I don't even live here. I'm here for a month and then I go back across an ocean. That's- That makes it insane."

"What was insane was letting you go the first time."

That startles her, he can tell, and he's been reading her for years. He sees the tentative hope in her eyes too, a fragile light.

"First time?"

"You died."

She sucks in a breath.

"We had to let you go. JJ and I made every decision to keep you safe. But then you were back. You were back, you were here and it-"

She swallows, but that light is still in her eyes. "You had Beth."

"I couldn't have you."

Fraternization, team dynamics, abject fear of rejection and breaking something as precious as their friendship. She understands, of course.

"And now I'm not on your team. I'm not part of the Bureau."

She murmurs it and this time he cannot stop from reaching out, from ghosting his fingers down her bicep.

"I'm five time zones away."

"And insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

A smile flits over her face. "Albert Einstein."

"I'm not repeating the same thing again.

He sees her throat flex again and he gets the sinking feeling she's still going to say 'no'.

"Christmas," he blurts before she can. "Give me until Christmas."

"For what?"

"To show you I'm willing to make it work."

Because he can see the want in her eyes and this time he absolutely refuses to just let her go.

"Okay," she whispers. "Christmas."

"And then we re-evaluate," he says, feeling his heart rate jump. He can't stop himself from actually taking her hands this time. "Until Christmas and then-"

"Just- Just one thing at a time," she urges him, even as she squeezes his hand. Then she shakes her head. "You're insane."

Yeah. About her.

And maybe by Christmas he'll be able to tell her.

Short, but I'm sure all of you are happy with the outcome! We're in that place where length is starting to matter less and less and it's about the goal of each chapter.

I'm hoping to get caught up by the end of the day (it's been a bit crazy and writer's block-ish) but as usual, I make no guarantees.

Gracias for the reviews you lovely crazy people. At this rate, your insanity's going to break my review record and that's even more insane and you guys are pretty awesome.