Harlic: ERGH! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT IDIOT?!
Wendy: What do you mean?
Harlic: That blasted idiot has been missing for months now! He's got a responsibility to get this story done and he's off gallivanting somewhere! UGH!
Poyo: Hiya.
Harlic: I guess you're right young one. Might as well get on with the show.
Wendy: What about Zero?
Harlic: *is busy cuddling Poyo* F*** him. For all we know he could be out partying or on some idiotic adventure or flirting with some oppai women!
Meanwhile….
ZeroFox: *is passed out in a ditch in the middle of nowhere, half buried in dirt and leaves*
Disclaimer: THE FOLLOWING IS A NON-PROFIT FANFICTION! GRAVITY FALLS AND ITS CHARACTERS BELONG TO ALEX HIRSCH AND DISNEY. PLEASE SUPPORT THE OFFICIAL RELEASE!
It's funny how something starts off annoying the ever loving crap out of you can sometimes grow on you.
Take rap music for an example.
I used to think it was just some stupid genre with the same subjects being used over and over and over and over again. But after listening to some rap songs, it kinda grew on me. Although it will never take over my love for rock, punk, and metal…it gets a seat at the table.
The reason why I brought up this little thing was because…well…it's the best analogy to describe how I felt about one Dipper Pines.
I mean when he got to Gravity Falls with Mabel last month, I nearly wanted to slug him because he kept annoying the ever loving crap out of me. Between him complaining about the bugs and heat to the belief that Gravity Falls had some paranormal activity to it to the roping me into helping him explore an uncharted island and almost getting killed in the process, I was tempted to either knock out a tooth or just leave him in the woods.
But recently, something changed and I started to hate him less and less.
Maybe it was because he latched onto Soos a little more and didn't pester me with his tales of paranormal crap or what he thought he saw in the woods or what he read somewhere.
Or maybe…I actually took the time to just talk to the guy. Like small little chit-chats, nothing really special. But even though we had a couple of them, I guess I saw there was a little more to Dipper than I had previously thought.
Whatever the case may be, well…it's not so bad.
*Insert the Gravity Falls Intro Theme*
Chapter 6:
Dipper Vs. Manliness
So anyways, it was another boring day at the Mystery Shack. Customers came, customers went. Stan did his showman routine and collected money while the rest of us worked.
The only good thing about today was that it was Friday. Yup, it was Friday. The best day of the week not named Saturday or 'Taco Tuesday' (for some odd reason, tacos do taste better on Tuesdays).
But also the best part of Friday wasn't that it was just the beginning of the weekend. Rather, it was payday. So that meant that Wendy was going to have a kickass weekend with some money in her pocket.
So like a good little worker bee (keep the snickering to yourself), I manned the register. Occasionally Mabel popped by to sit on a stool next to me and watch me work. Of course, I had to lay the ground rules with her:
No talking loudly
No boy chasing
Watch, no touch
Though although she did somewhat complain about when I had to reiterate Rule #2 (but immediately stopped when I brought up Gideon), I thought Mabel did alright with me at the register.
But during the day, it seemed like I kept seeing Dipper doing all these strenuous work assignments. Whether it was carry a heavy box alone, walk into town without the Mystery Cart to get an item, or help Soos lift something to the third floor, Stan always made Dipper do it.
Now that I've been thinking about it, Dipper has done a lot of those work assignments for Stan lately. I mean, better him than me. But lately…I've been feeling kinda sorry for the guy. I mean, you know…just…you know…doing that stuff looks like it sucks doing it alone.
At one point during the day, Dipper came into the Mystery Shack. For some odd reason he was covered in sweat, dirt, and some sort of brown stuff (Please don't be fertilizer! Please don't be fertilizer!). So like the concerned person that I am, I decided to ask what's up.
"Dude, why are you so sweaty and…ugh…what is that smell?"
Dipper just looked at me.
"Stan is making me spread mulch on a flower bed he just built. Thinks it'll attract more female customers."
He then wiped some sweat off his brow.
"How hot is it outside? Feels like 100*F."
I just looked at my phone.
"It says it's 82*F outside right now."
I got another good whiff of sweat and mulch before coughing (nearly threw up in my mouth from the stench! Yuck!).
Dipper then let out a small exhale.
"Well I'm gonna go grab some water before Stan-"
"Hey Dipper," bellowed an all-too-familiar voice, "I need you out here right now to help me move these rocks."
Dipper just groaned before turning to go back outside.
"Yo dude!"
Dipper turned to face me, only to catch a water bottle tossed at him.
"Drink up."
He then sheepishly smiled at me.
"Thanks for the water Wendy."
I just looked at him (damn it, why does he look adorable like that?!).
"Well can't say I'm not nice to you," I replied back, "And dude, no offense but you stink like hell."
"My bad," apologized Dipper, rubbing the back of his head, "Stan's
"Apology accepted," I casually replied back, "Now either hurry up and chug it or take that outside before I pass out from your smell."
Dipper then popped the cap of his water bottle and then proceeded to chug it. I mean, like, gulp the whole bottle down in the blink of an eye (wow, talk about thirsty).
After he was done, the little guy (Why are you looking at me like that? He is technically shorter than me) just tossed me back the bottle. By toss, I mean try to underthrow an empty plastic bottle and not even make it half way back to the register counter.
I would have made a little comment about that but I was too dumbfounded by the fact he just chugged that entire water bottle in front of me.
"I was only kidding when I said you had to chug it," I said, reaching back to get another water bottle.
Instead of tossing it over to him, I walked over and simply handed Dipper the water bottle.
"Now don't go drink all that at once dude. Save it when you're really thirsty outside."
Dipper just simply laughed and smiled.
"I owe you one Wendy," he replied before going back outside.
I simply rolled my eyes.
"Whatever."
I picked up the empty water bottle before walking back to my post at the register to plop my butt down on the stool and continue reading my magazine.
For the next couple of hours, I had to deal with customers who came in and complained about the smell inside the Mystery Shack. Well it didn't smell of roses to begin with but the stench of a sweaty, mulch covered boy still lingered which did start to smell really bad. Unfortunately at one point, Stan got wind of the stench.
"Woof! What's that smell? It smells like Taco Tuesday at the Greasy Diner."
"Did somebody say tacos?! I could go for some tacos right now!"
"Do that on your own time Soos."
I looked over to my cantankerous boss.
"Beats me," I replied, flipping the page of my magazine.
"Well somebody better do something about that smell. I gotta go check on Dipper and see if he's done filling up that man-made pond I had him dig out back yesterday."
Woah, hold on! Dipper did WHAT?!
Before I even could have a chance to ask why the hell was there such a…you know what, forget it. Knowing Stan, it could be just some ploy to put some fake sea monsters in to wow tourists into giving him more money. Still though, forcing your great nephew to do that is a li-*COUGH!* *COUGH!* *COUGH!* Wha-What's that-*COUGH!* *COUGH!* Can't…breathe…
"All done! Now it smells like a flower garden in here. Thanks Mr. Spraybottle."
"Just doing my thing Mabel. *Fsst* Fsst*"
"Oh you. Say it, don't spray it. Ha ha!"
*COUGH!* WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GIRL?! *COUGH!* NEED AIR!
So after desperately opening a window to let some fresh air in, I just plopped back on my stool to try and come to terms that Mabel unwittingly emptied an entire spray bottle of air freshener in the shack. I mean, I would have gone no further than half the bottle but the entire bottle was a little too much.
Still it did the job and the stink was gone. Now I could get on with the rest of my 'fun-filled' day of work. Hooray me. (Yes…Yes I was being sarcastic).
Towards the end of my shift, my phone went off. I looked over to see it was a text from Robbie.
'Yo Wendy. Gonna hit up bowling alley with the gang 7. You in?'
I texted back.
'Sure dude. I'll let you guys know when I'm out of work.'
A couple of minutes later, I get a text back.
'Cool. I'll let others know.'
With my Friday night plans already made, I could only wait until that damn clock hit quitting time.
But first…
*Brring* *Brring* *Brring*
*Click*
"You've reached the voicemail of 'WHAT THE BLAZES AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?! IS IT RECORDING OR-' Please leave a message after the beep."
*Beep*
Heh, that never gets old.
"Yo dad, it's Wendy. I'm gonna meet up with my friends after work. Probably gonna go grab some dinner with them as well so no need to make me a plate or anything. Later."
And hanging up now. I may be a teenage girl and all and I like hanging out with friends but family always comes first (yes, even the three little dweebs but do not tell them that whatsoever!). With that being said, I hung up the phone and proceeded to finish out the rest of my shift.
So when closing time came, I simply used my time card to clock out and made my way to the do-hold it! Hold it! I didn't not just think about walking out of here without getting paid. First thing first, getting my money.
"Yo Stan, you around? I'd like to get paid please like sometime this century." (What? Oh don't give me that look. I said 'please' alright.)
Hmm…no response. Let's check the office.
"Hello? Stan? Are you in here?"
Nothing. *sigh* Damn it, he better not have left my check in the safe. I don't know the combination nor do I feel like trying to break into it.
As I turned around to leave the room, I happened to notice Mabel walking past me licking a freezy pop.
"Hey Mabel, have you see Stan around?"
"Oh he's outside on the back porch with Soos watching Dipper try to chop firewood," was the response followed by some licking sound and then an 'Mmmm…Grapey goodness'.
…..
You know, I guess I could stick around longer. The thought of a city kid like Dipper trying to chop wood for like the first time ever should provide some sort of entertainment. Also I might as well try to be the sensible one of having a cell phone to dial 9-1-1 in case something goes wrong because knowing the guy, he'll probably lob off a limb. (seriously folks, wood chopping with an axe is dangerous and should only be left to those who…why do I sound like a PSA?)
So I made my way to the back porch and wouldn't you know, Stan and Soos were busy watching Dipper chopping wood. I had this feeling I came into the tail end of a conversation as Soos seemed very entranced of what our fearless (and apparently pants less) leader has to say.
While they were finishing up talking about who cares what, I happened to notice Dipper sloppily attempting to chop a log. On his right were a mound of unchopped logs. On his left were just a handful of split logs in a small pile. I was expecting to just get a good laugh at Dipper Bunyan but I felt more of just pity.
I'm mean seriously, it's not rocket science to chop wood. You just carefully set a log, carefully aim, raise up, and bring down. Hell, Thurman could chop wood before he learned to walk. In fact everybody in my family learned to properly chop wood before we could walk.
I had enough and thankfully Stan and Soos finished up their chat.
"Yo Stan, got a minute?"
Both Soos and Stan looked at me.
"Hey Wendy, you want to watch Dipper chop wood too?" asked Soos.
"I'm good, thanks Soos."
"Then what are you here for?" asked Stan.
"Because it's Friday and that means payday," I replied, a big grin on my face.
For a few seconds, Stan had a completely confused look on his face. Then it dawned upon him what I was talking about.
"Oh right, you want to get paid."
"Gasp, how did you know that? Are you psychic?"
Stan just rolled his eyes and grunted.
"Har har har, very funny."
He then got up to go back inside.
"*grumble* *grumble* Smart alec teenagers! *grumble* *grumble* No respect for their elders! *grumble* *grumble* Back in my day…*grumble* *grumble*" (I honestly counted like 8 'grumbles' in that sentence)
That left Soos and myself to watch Dipper struggle to continue to chop wood. The sad part was that it seemed like he was able to split like every 5 attempts. The other times, the log would get stuck on the axe blade like peanut butter on the roof of a dog's mouth.
"Personally, I think he should just stop trying and call it a day before he hurts himself," I commented to Soos but not loud enough for Dipper to hear me.
"Maybe you could show him a few pointers," suggested my Hispanic friend, "After all, you're like the best log chopper in Gravity Falls not named 'Manly Dan'."
We then watched to see Dipper try to chop a log but then the log fell off the stump he was working on and hit his foot. The dude let out a small yelp of pain before holding his foot, hopping around like a cartoon character.
Now normally I would let out a few chuckles and snicker like crazy. But after watching Dipper struggle for the past few minutes, I just all but had enough of watching the train wreck in motion.
"Even if I did, he'll still find a way to screw up."
"Oh you're overreacting," chuckled Soos, "Why I bet you two would be perfect…bud…"
As soon as he said 'you two', my head slowly turned to face Soos to give him one of those 'No dude, just no' face expressions followed by a shake of my head.
Thankfully I heard the usual 'You got 5 minutes to get this paycheck or else it's going back in the safe' bluff by Stan. I then turned to go back inside.
"Later Soos, see you next week."
"Okay. You take care dude."
As I walked back into the shack, I actually overheard Soos sigh under his breath, 'I wish she was nicer to Dipper. Then we could all hang out and be cool and have fun.' It stung hearing him say that but…but…No! Oh no! I'm not letting this feeling of guilt and crap get the best of me.
I'm gonna get my paycheck, deposit it, and then go have fun with my friends. I'm not going to let what Soos said bother me nor am I going to let any sort of feelings of pity towards Dipper (which I don't have!) distract me all night.
…
…
GOD DAMN IT! UGHHHHH!
It did distract me all night! Soos and the Dipper pity! UGH! I didn't think it was possible but it threw me off so bad, I kept getting last place in bowling! Usually I win a few games but I did so bad that Lee had to ask if I was okay.
*sigh* Damn it, I just…*sigh*…maybe Soos was right. Maybe I should be nicer to Dipper. He's already taking a beating from Stan's slave labor chores. Why knock a dude down even further.
So after bowling with my friends, I head back to my place. When I got in, I got greeted with a bear hug that almost broke my spine in half.
"Hey there pumpkin! You're home early!"
Spine…shattering…ribs…puncturing lungs…
After a hellish few seconds of getting crushed, my dad finally let go of me.
"Hey dad…what's up?"
My dad then just grinned.
"Well I got paid the big bucks today ha ha! All that overtime paid off!"
For the record, my dad has a few mottos when it comes to work. One of which is, and I quote, 'When you're working late each time, always focus on how big your paycheck is going to be on payday' and oh did he work late this past week.
My dad then continued to talk to me.
"Well I already got some plans with the boys tomorrow but I was figuring that we could do some breakfast, my treat."
"Hell…"
"Language Gwendolyn…"
"Eh…heh heh…my bad dad. Uh sure, breakfast tomorrow sounds amazing."
"Great. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning."
With that, he gave me a small peck on the cheek before heading to his room.
"Night Wendy."
"Night dad."
I was gonna play some video games but then I got hit by a tsunami of tiredness. So I just trudged upstairs to my room, changed into my pajamas, hopped under my covers, and embraced the world of sleep with arms wide open.
"Oh no!" gasped Sailor Venus, "We cannot beat this monster sent by Queen Beryl!"
"Gwa ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed a giant ogre-like creature with tentacles for arms, "I have you Sailor Senshi right where I want you! Prepare to die!"
"Is there anybody who can save us?" asked Sailor Mercury.
"Fear not you guys! I'm here to help!" exclaimed an all too-familiar voice.
Leaping down from a building was none other than a certain redhead wearing a flannel Sailor Senshi uniform.
"It's Sailor Wendy!" beamed Sailor Moon, "I knew you'd come to the rescue."
Sailor Wendy then got out her trusty Crescent Moon hatchet before getting into a striking stance.
"Prepare yourself monster. For in the name of love, justice, and flannel, I will defeat you!"
She then leapt into the air as her weapon then began to glow brightly.
"Lunar Crescent Chop!"
Sailor Wendy then prepared to deliver her devastating attack to the monster as she-
*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
Ugh…I just had to wake up right before the good part too. (also hot damn, I rocked that senshi fuka like a boss!)
I immediately sat up, eyes wide open as my alarm clock went off. I just got up to turn it off before letting out a yawn.
9:30 a.m.
I then made my way out of my room and in the direction of the bathroom to clean up. Along the way, I bumped into my dad, who was already dressed and ready for the day.
"You almost ready for breakfast?"
"Yeah…just let me hop in the shower quickly."
"Okay, I'll be waiting in the living room."
My dad then turned to go downstairs as I got to the bathroom door.
I had my hand on the knob and was about to twist it before I heard my Alex call out 'Hey, somebody's in here' as I stopped what I was doing.
"Yo dweeb, how long are you going to be in there?" I called out.
"Just a minute or two Wendy, chill," replied Alex's voice.
"Well don't use up all the hot water," was my response, "Save some for the rest of us, okay?"
"Okay mom," replied Alex's voice.
UGH! Sometimes I wish I was an only child. The worse part was that a minute or two turned into almost 15. (note to self, buy a house with multiple bathrooms after I hit the lottery)
Another 5 minutes later, Alex came out wrapped up in two towels.
"All yours Wendy."
I rolled my eyes.
"Hopefully you saved me some towels," I sarcastically replied before taking one step in-*splash*
….ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!
"Hey genius, the point of the tub is to keep the water from going out onto the floor."
"My bad," was the response.
I just let out a frustrated sigh before going into the bathroom and closing the door. Unlike Alex, I didn't take too long in the shower. Like 7 minutes tops (see! Not all girls take forever in the shower!). After which, I wrapped myself in a towel before taking another towel to wipe up some of the puddles Alex 'left behind' for me.
Once I wasn't dripping any more, I quickly brushed my teeth before heading back to my room to fully dry off and change into some clothes. Since it was still a little brisk, I decided to go with my usual jeans and flannel outfit (if it ain't broke, why fix it) before getting my hat and heading downstairs to the living room.
My dad was the first one to great me while Thurman and Jason were busy watching cartoons.
"You ready Wendy?"
"You bet dad."
He then looked at my two younger brothers.
"I'll be back later. Make sure you're all fully dressed by the time I return."
"Okay dad," was the response as they continued to watch whatever they were watching.
Both my dad and I just headed on out to his pick-up truck. We got in, buckled up, and then head on over to the Greasy Diner.
Once there, we saw that the parking lot was packed.
"Wow, looks like everybody had the same idea as you dad," I commented.
"If we walk, it'll be good exercise," replied my dad.
Luckily we found a spot that was relatively close to the entrance before parking in it. We got out, walked up to the door, and then walked inside.
Well I was right. A lot of people were having their breakfast right now as the whole place was packed. Luckily we found two empty seats at the countertop as our butts planted firmly on the stools. As soon as that happened, both my dad and I were greeted up Lazy Susan.
"Well if it isn't my favorite Lumberjack and Lumberjill father-daughter duo."
My dad chuckled.
"You guys are sure busy today and it's not even a Sunday breakfast rush."
Lazy Susan just laughed.
"Well we got some good eats going so that's good for us. Now what can I get for you two?"
"I'll have my usual 'Manly Lumberjack Special' with extra bacon," my dad said.
"I'll have my usual too," I added.
"Okie dokie. One Lumberjack Special with extra squeal and a Lumberjill comin' right up."
She then wrote down the order to give to the chefs in the back to cook up before pouring us a cup of coffee. After which, she then left to go assist the other diner patrons.
While we sat and drank our coffee while waiting for our breakfast, my dad and I decided to shoot the shit for a while. Mostly we talked about what we were up to with work as I mentioned on how Stan's grandniece and grandnephew were visiting and actively working in the Mystery Shack as well.
My dad just bellowed with laughter as he made a comment on how he wasn't too surprised that Stan did that. He did mention that he was surprised that I was able to hold onto my job for as long as I did (little over 3 weeks give or take a day). But then he added he was very proud of that and how it showed I was becoming a responsible young lady (yup, go me baby!).
Sometime later on, our food was brought to us as the smell of cooked eggs, corn beef hash, hash browns, and bacon made both of our mouths watered. We each hungrily dug in to our food as the sounds of chewing and forks hitting the plate was heard on our end.
After devouring half my breakfast, I saw that my coffee cup was refilled with that magical, delicious-
"Oh hi there little fella. I remember you from the other day."
…oh you got to be kidding me!
I glanced over to a booth on the opposite side of the diner to see Stan, Mabel, and Dipper sitting in it. I honest to god think that they are stalking me! Part of me was tempted to report them to Blubs (who just happened to be sitting like a few stools over with Durland) as a joke but they were in the middle of some important police work (goddamn Blubs can pack away a stack of pancakes).
Luckily for me, the location of was on the right side of my dad and I was sitting on his left, thus blocking their line of view from my seat.
Still, I could overhear them talking a little bit. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything, just that my hearing is very acute…when I want it to be…which happened to be now (hey, I was only just making sure that Mabel didn't spot me that's all).
Sure enough, I could overhear them talking about how 'manly' Dipper was.
First off, PFFFTTTT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Second, nobody 'manly' listens to BABBA! There is nothing manly about an Icelandic pop band. Okay, I seriously need to get that guy to listen to some quality music. I'll start him off with a classic like the Led Zeppelin II before then diving into some of the heavier stuff like Pantera.
Ohh, maybe he could come over and we could rock out to some Black Sabbath afterwards while we play some video games and…and…and…and where the hell did that come from? Is my coffee spiked? Tell me my coffee is spiked.
"Hey Wendy, is there something in your coffee?"
"Huh?"
"You're staring at it like something's in it."
Uh…shit. Didn't realize that I was legitimately checking out my coffee and my dad just happened to notice.
"Just making sure a piece of bacon didn't fall in," I lied.
"Oh I hate it when that happens," replied my dad, "The coffee always spoils the bacon by making it soggier than what it normal should be."
My dad then went back to eating the rest of his breakfast while I just sat there, wondering if I was suffering from a food coma or a caffeine rush that caused me to suddenly think how awesome it would be to hang out with Dipper (caffeine rush, definitely caffeine rush).
Then out of nowhere, I saw Dipper point to the…oh for petesake dude! Why are you pointing at the strength test machine? Ugh…you've got to be kidding me.
For those who are not aware with what a strength test machine is, it's one of those grip testing game machines. The harder you squeeze, the higher your level is of whatever you are trying to do (i.e. love grip, strength grip, et al).
The Greasy Diner has one of those machines but there's also a little perk that comes with it. That perk is basically who ever get the top score on it, aka 'Manly Man of Manliness!' level, gets a free giant stack of pancakes. Very rarely do people get that score. I mean the closest I got by myself was like 'Lumberjack'.
So I guess to prove how 'manly' he was to Stan and Mabel, Dipper decided to give it a try. I guess it became a big deal because as soon as he walked past all the booths and the stools at the countertop, everybody began to watch and see what he was about to do.
Luckily he didn't see me or anything. This is not going to end well for him at all. Still…he's gotta have at least one person in his corner.
"Good luck dude."
"Huh?"
Oh crud, he's looking around now. Please don't look this way! Please don't look this way!
"Eh, could have sworn I heard Wendy in here. Probably just hearing things."
Phew. Got off for now.
So Dipper made his way over to the machine, inserting a quarter into the coin slot. The machine then turned on for an active game as the dude just cracked his knuckles, taking a deep breathe and exhale.
"Okay, time to show these people how manly Dipper Pines is."
With that, Dipper grabbed the handle and squeezed as hard as he could. The lights on the machine then began to light up as they started to go up the different levels.
I watched on, along with everybody else, except I was secretly rooting for him to succeed. For a brief moment I thought he would.
But then all the lights went out as it just plummeted back to *sigh* the first level, which was known as 'Cutie Patootie'.
"What?! Cutie Patootie? Dang machine is busted!"
And like a stubborn fool, Dipper placed in another quarter into the machine for another session. However just a few seconds later…
"Oh come on! Cutie Patootie again?"
They say futility is repeating the same failed process over and over again but expecting a different result each time. What we were all witnessing in the Greasy Dinner for the next few minutes was just that.
After inserting one last quarter into the machine and getting one last 'Cutie Patootie' card, Dipper just gave the machine a small kick.
"Stupid machine. It's either busted or rigged."
Before anybody could say anything or before Lazy Susan could lecture Dipper on not to kick the machine, I happened to notice that my dad was standing behind Dipper. I had to hold in a snicker just by seeing the vast size difference between the two (picture a remote control toy car in front of an actual car. It was something like that).
Dipper just looked at my dad as he shook his head.
"I wouldn't even bother with it. The thing is broken. It's like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or something."
"Is that so?"
My dad then just inserted his own quarter into the machine to activate his session. He then took his left index and middle finger and gave the handle a squeeze.
The lights then lit up faster than a peregrine falcon dive bombing at 180 mph out of the sky to swoop down and pick off its prey in its talons before it could react and…okay, where did that little Animal Planet tidbit come from?
Any who, the machine's lights went all the way up to 'Manly Man of Manliness' level before the whole thing short-circuited. Like it went into overload and then shut down on itself.
My dad then turned to face everybody as he had a big triumphant grin on his face.
"All right! Free pancakes for everybody!"
The whole diner cheered and hollered at what just occurred. That is except for three people: Dipper, who was utterly dismantled and crushed, Mabel, who was concerned on how her brother's wellbeing, and…well…me.
Normally I could have cared less but I just couldn't believe the stunt my dad just pulled. I get it, you're called 'Manly' Dan for a reason dad. You didn't have to *pucking* show up Dipper like that! Not cool in the…wow, where did that anger come from?
*sigh*
Calm down, just calm down. Don't let dad see you angry at him, he'll suspect something that you don't want to talk about.
Needless to say, I didn't eat my share of free pancakes (I ended up giving them to my dad saying I was full from my breakfast).
After my dad paid for our meal, we both got back in his truck and head back home. Along the way, my dad just simply said he, and I quote, 'didn't understand why boy thought the machine was broke when it was perfectly fine,' end quote. Whatever dad.
Still though, I think that was the first time I've ever seen Dipper so publicly embarrassed like that. It wasn't funny or anything. Maybe I'm just looking into things way too deep but he had this look in his eye like a scared little fawn that doesn't know what to do. It's as if he was in a similar situation in the past one too many times. *sigh* I guess the only right thing to do would be to apologize to him.
So when we got back, I simply went upstairs into my room to chill for a bit until my dad left with all three of my brothers. Once they did that, I just wrote a note on the table saying I went out for a bit in case they were wondering where I went. After which, I went out to my bike before hopping on and pedaled my way over to the Mystery Shack.
Along the way, I was trying to formulate an apology to Dipper that was both sincere but at the same time not try to make it seem l was gonna be buddy-buddy with him just yet. One step at a time people, one step at a time.
When I got to the Mystery Shack, I hooked up my bike to the bike rack that Stan made Dipper build the other day before walking to the front door.
Okay Wendy, you can do this. Just apologize and be on your way. Don't stick around for anything. Just get in, apologize, and then get out. Don't get distracted or anything and don't let yourself fall into any traps.
You got this, you got this, you-
"Uh, am I interrupting anything important right now you guys?"
What I walked into, I did not prepare myself for. In the living room where you can somewhat walk in, Mabel was busy with Stan, who was pants less (what a surprise), and Soos, who apparently was wearing makeup and dressed in drag.
Immediately Mabel ran up to me, holding onto my hands.
"Thank goodness you're Wendy. I need all the help I could get with this one."
"Help with what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You don't have to go into full detail Mabel," said Stan, looking a little panicky at the moment.
"Stan has a crush on Lazy Susan and Mabel is trying to help him become a gentleman so he will be able to go out with Lazy Susan with no problems," informed Soos.
If looks could kill, Soos would be a pile of ashes on the floor with the glare Stan was giving him.
"What's wrong? I thought it was okay for me to say because you said-"
"Can it Soos!"
"Canning now Mr. Pines."
Wow. There is a whole level of *pucked* up stuff going on right now. If I walked out now, I don't think you people would blame me for it. But then there's the prospect of seeing Stan being miserable trying to become a gentleman when he struggles to do the simplest of gentleman tasks which nobody can pass up watching.
"Well my weekend's free, I'm in!"
"Awesome!" beamed Mabel, "Now let's begin with Lesson 1, small talk."
"Like small sentences or small words?" asked Stan, rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand in an uneasy manner, "I'm not good with-"
"Ah bup bup bup bup!" scolded Mabel, thwaping Stan's left hand with a ruler, "Less talking, more observing."
Stan let out a yelp as he rubbed the back of his hurt hand.
"Is that really necessary Mabel?"
"Well you did say use an iron fist when trying to teach a person something new," replied Mabel.
Stan narrowed his eyes.
"I've taught you well my pupil. OW! Ease up, would ya Mabel? OW! Come on, stop that. OW! That one actually hurt!"
Oh this is gonna be good. Dipper is going to miss out and…hmm.
"Hey Mabel, where's your brother?"
"Oh Dipper decided to talk a walk by himself," informed Mabel, "Said he needed his 'Me Time' for a while. I'm sure he'll be back eventually."
I honestly felt a little nauseous when she said 'eventually.'
"Eh he's just being overdramatic," replied Stan, "All he needs to do is rub some dirt on himself and-OW!"
"Sorry Mr. Pines but that's not being very gentleman-like about the feelings of your grandnephew," informed Soos.
"Damn it Soos! I-OW!"
"It's not gentleman-like to curse in front of a lady," scolded Mabel.
Stan just closed his eyes to calm down and compose himself.
"What I meant to say was that my dear Dipper is taking some time to gather in his thoughts and regain his composure."
Mabel just happily clapped her hands.
"Great work Grunkle Stan," she said, "That was Step 1 in this lesson of Making Small Talk."
"How many steps to go?"
"About 49."
"Son of a bit-OW!"
"Hey, no cursing in front of Madame Mabel."
Hey, I can't let Soos and Mabel have all the fun now can I?
And so began our little project of trying to turn Stan into gentleman. It was a long and arduous process that pretty much consumed the entire weekend.
We did lessons on dinner etiquette, how to act in front of a woman on a date, how to act in front of a woman in general, how to dress properly, and so on and so forth. Plus there was the grooming aspect of the whole ordeal in trying to make Stan look presentable. All I can say is that I honest to god never thought a man could have so much back hair on his back. That and I never knew how red a pair of hands could get after taking a few dozen hits with a ruler (I admit, I took pleasure in doing that heh heh heh heh).
We worked well to noon time on Monday (yes, it took that long) in trying to make Stan like a gentleman. But let's be honest here, we only had a weekend to work here people. I mean Mabel is not Professor Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady (I don't know why that comparison came up but it did) but she did give it her all and stayed with it longer than Soos and myself had anticipated.
"Okay Grunkle Stan..."
Mabel then took a photo of what Stan looked like at beginning of this whole ordeal.
"You started like this but then you became…"
She then lowered the photo to reveal in her line of sight Stan's current state.
Let me tell you something, it was not pretty at all. He had messy clothes, messy hair, was covered in sweat, and had hands swollen and red.
"Can…Can…Can I scratch myself now?"
That's when Mabel had her mini metal down.
"No! No! No! No!" She then ripped then before photo into tiny pieces before flinging it up into the air. "It's like there's been no progress at all! There's…There's…" She then squinted her eyes to examine Stan. "Is that throw up on your shirt Grunkle Stan?"
"I don't know how to answer that," was his response.
I had to cover Soos' mouth so he didn't answer that one.
Mabel just plopped onto the ground, a defeated look on her face.
"I give up, this was a whole waste of time."
There's a time and a place when somebody just needs to be left alone and there is a time and a place when somebody needs a pep talk. This was one of those times that for a pep talk.
"Hey Mabel."
"What's up Wendy?"
"Let's just face the facts, your uncle's unfixable."
A "Hey!" was then heard as I continued to give Mabel her pep talk.
"He's like that spitting pie thing in the diner," I continued, "I mean, no matter how many times Lazy Susan tries to fix that thing it always continues to break. But at least she-"
Out of nowhere, Mabel's eyes lit up as if she just got an epiphany.
"That's it! It's so obvious! Thanks for that Wendy."
"Uh…you're welcome?"
Did I do something right? I'm a little lost here.
Mabel then hopped back up, a big smile on her face.
"You guys, let's go to diner! Grunkle Stan, leave your pants at home."
Stan's face perked up in the same expression as Mabel's. "With pleasure!"
"But first change your shirt please."
"Yeah, that would a smart thing to do," Stan replied before going off to change his shirt.
Okay, I had to ask.
"You couldn't tell him to at least wear shorts?"
"Trust me, it's actually part of my plan," replied Mabel.
"What plan is that?" asked Soos as then Mabel brought all three of us together and basically explained it to us.
I gotta admit, it sounded a lot easier to do and there was less back hair shaving as well.
As Stan came back in a clean shirt, him and Mabel got into Stan's car and drove to the diner. Soos decided to stay behind at the Mystery Shack in case something happened. Me, I just followed behind them on my bike.
Funny thing, along the way to the Diner I happened to come across Dipper walking alone on the sidewalk. He was covered in tattoos (please let those be washable, please let those be washable), wearing nothing more than a loincloth (are you kidding me?!), got a tan, and actually…got some…muscles…and…and…
…..
….NO! OH *PUCK* NO! I SWEAR TO GOD BRAIN, IF YOU ALLOW ANY THOUGHTS TO GET INTO MY MIND I WILL ROT YOU WITH MINDLESS TELEVISION SHOWS!
….
….
…better.
So after I collected myself (and forced my brain and hormones to chill the *puck* down), I flagged Dipper down.
"Yo dude!"
He then turned to face me.
"Wendy?"
I then pulled up to him, examining his appearance.
"Dude, what the hell is this get up? Are you going for like some metal Tarzan look or something?"
Dipper just chuckled.
"Well I tried to be one with nature over the weekend."
"Then why the tattoos?"
"Well I tried to channel my inner nature spirit by drawing markings on myself."
I just rolled my eyes and laughed.
"Good one smart ass."
"Thanks, I was working on that all weekend."
Out of nowhere, we just let out a chuckle as then Dipper looked at me.
"Where are you heading off to?"
"Oh the Greasy Diner."
"Is it lunch time already?"
"Nah but get this dude. While you were out being one with nature, Mabel was trying to hook Stan up with Lazy Susan and worked all weekend to make him a gentleman."
I honestly thought Dipper was going to bust a gut on that one. Seeing him laugh like that…well…it was kind of refreshing. I mean the last time I saw him, he was ready to crawl into the Gravity Fall Bottomless Pit and stay there forever.
He then looked at me, trying to catch his breathe.
"Okay I gotta see this. Can I come with?"
I just grinned. "Say no more dude. Hop on."
I then scooted forward on my seat to give Dipper some room to sit. It was awkward to but we weren't that far from the Greasy Diner so I could bear it.
While we were riding to the Greasy Diner, I had to ask Dipper the $100 million question.
"Hey dude, just out of curiosity, but are you like naked underneath that loin cloth of yours?"
"I'm actually wearing my boxers because this loin cloth rides up easily."
"Okay, good to know."
"Why, were you trying to peak?"
"Ha, in your dreams dude!"
We then arrived at the Greasy Diner as Dipper got off my bike.
"Hey thanks for the lift Wendy."
"Any time dude."
I then saw Dipper start to make his way to the entrance of the Greasy Diner. Now what was I originally-shit, that's right!
"Yo dude."
Dipper stopped to look at me.
"Hey, I just want to apologize for my dad upstaging you like that last Saturday morning. It wasn't a cool thing to do to you."
Dipper just smiled. "Apology accepted."
He then turned to walk towards the diner entrance as I turned the other way to pedal off in the opposite direction.
The next day, it was business as usual back at the Mystery Shack. I didn't know if Stan and Lazy Susan were able to hit it off or not (honestly, I actually stopped caring once I got home yesterday). When it was end of my shift, I punched out and was ready to go home.
However I heard the sound of logs getting slammed which could only mean that a certain somebody was attempting to chop wood. So instead of heading out the front door, I head out to the back to where the sound was coming from.
Once I was out on the back porch, I saw Stan watching Dipper attempt to finish chopping the pile of wood from the other day.
"I gotta admit, the kid's got spunk," noted Stan, taking a swing of beer, "I didn't tell him to go do it. He just did it himself. Needs a better technique if he wants to finish before winter."
"Okay Stan, I'll bite," I said to my supervisor, "Pretty much the past week or so, you've been making do all these ridiculous chores/jobs that a kid our age should not be doing by themselves. What gives?"
Stan simply looked at me.
"And why are you so interested in him? It's not like you two are friends or anything."
He's trying to push my buttons. I know, I just know it. Unfortunately, I bit.
"Dude, whether we are or not, it's not cool to make him do that. What if he gets hurt?"
Stan just took a swing of beer before setting down the can.
"Well I told Soos half the truth because he would have accidentally blab to either of the twins."
"Wait, Soos knows already?"
"Half. He already knows half."
Stan then cleaned his glasses with his shirt before putting them back on.
"So what I'm going to tell you is going to be the full truth. But you have to promise to never, ever tell another soul." He then narrowed his eyes at me. "If you tell anybody what I am about to tell you, I will fire you right on the spot and you won't be allowed back into the Shack even as a paying customer."
I actually felt a cold shiver go down my spine when he said that to me. I knew Stan was not kidding when he said that. He rarely, and I mean rarely, will ban anybody from the Mystery Shack. For him to say that to me, I definitely would have to keep what he would tell me a secret.
So I decided to honor that with 4 simple words.
"On my mother's gravestone."
Stan nodded his head, knowing damn well that I gave my promise on something I held very, very, very, very close to me. He then continued.
"Well remember when I told you how I had to fight off my younger brother Shermie, their grandfather, to hold the twins."
I nodded my head.
"Well that was a lie."
Wait, huh?
"You see, I fought Shermie to hold Mabel when she first came into the world. Dipper, well…" Stan's voice then dipped. "There were complications when Dipper was born."
My face grew pale. "What do you mean by complications?"
Stan took a deep breath.
"When he came out, Dipper had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Thankfully the doctors were able to save him in time but he had to spend some time in the ICU. I paid every dime on that medical bill and not once did I ever regret it or ask for reimbursement."
I almost fainted right there on the spot. I could actually feel myself getting woozy and a lump was growing in my throat.
"Because of that, the doctors think it might have stunted his physical growth. Like he's not disabled or anything but he's well…smaller than the other kids. And because of that, he was made a target and practically picked on like every day at school growing up. Hell Mabel got suspended a few times for getting into fist fights trying to stick up for Dipper but when she wasn't there, it was a living hell for him."
Stan then took another swing of beer.
"That's why I let them stay up here in the Mystery Shack. Sure, I get some cheap labor and spend time with family I rarely get to see. But the real purpose is to help toughen up Dipper. That's why I've been making him do all those chores like the flower bed and the fish pond that all the damn raccoons ate the fish out of! Those damn trash pandas, they killed Stan Jr. and Stan Esq.!"
Okay we were getting a little off topic at the end. Stan got the hint before coughing to regain his composure.
"The point is that I am toughing up Dipper, like building up his confidence. If he can these tough jobs by himself, it'll not only make him physically stronger like in Rocky IV, great movie by the way, but he'll gain confidence after completing them. And to be quite honest, it's the confidence I am focusing on."
Stan then laughed.
"Why just the other day before you came to get your check, he split just one log by himself and now boom he's doing this on his own without me telling him to because he's confident he can do the job alone."
Stan then finished up drinking his beer before standing up to scratch his back.
"Well I'm gonna go inside and wash up for my date with Lazy Susan tonight."
With that, Stan just went back inside the Mystery Shack. But before he went inside, he stopped to look at me.
"You two are more alike than you realize. Heck, I bet if he hangs out with you he'll catch a lot of your confidence and you could catch well…something equally of value. Any who, I can't be late for my very important date. Ha cha cha cha cha!"
Stan then disappeared into the Mystery Shack as I just stood there all alone to watch Dipper continue to chop logs into firewood.
But what Stan told me about Dipper, like why the way he is, it…it…it really stung like hell. It wasn't just because I was, admittedly, a complete bitch to him when he first got here and kind of took advantage of our different physical statures. It was also the fact that…well…Stan is right, we're both in a way very alike.
Like back in middle school, I went through a giant growth spurt that made me one of the tallest people in my grade. Not to mention that I had to wear some god awful braces, my hair was in pigtails, and had a bad acne breakout when I was 11. I wasn't Wendy, the chilliest girl in Gravity Falls. I was Ginger Giant, HillyBilly Girl, Metal Mouth, Pizza Face, Midwest Chest (I actually choked out the *pucking* asshole who called me that) and that was only the tip of the names. Then when my mother died…the teasing got worse. It got so bad that I ran away from home a few times and came to hide out here in the Mystery Shack.
But when things looked the bleakest, I still had my friends to back me up no matter what. Tambry, Nate, Lee, Robbie, and Thompson all had my back and I had their back. They helped give me my confidence which lead to the kickass lumberjill that you have come to know and love.
However Dipper…Dipper…I don't think he had somebody to call a friend outside of Mabel.
So if I didn't have my friends, I think…I would have been exactly like Dipper. Well, like an alternate girl version of him but you get where I am coming off on.
Okay, maybe I'm getting a little too deep and philosophical and all that hoopla than I should for the time being. Still though, I could make things better and redo our rocky introduction (which, I will admit…it was mostly my doing). I mean I don't think he would be totally against it.
And who knows what could happen afterwards.
Maybe we could have another whacky adventure like we did trying to find the Gobblewonker. Maybe we could just hangout, shoot the shit, watch movies, play video games, go do sports, whatever! Hey, it's summer so there's bound to be stuff to because damn it, why the hell not?! But I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't go talk to him.
So I walked off the porch and towards Dipper.
"Yo dude!"
"Oh hey Wendy, what's up?"
"Well I heard somebody trying to chop wood and decided to check it out."
Dipper just chuckled.
"Not trying, already doing."
I looked over to see a few more split logs in his pile.
"Yeah and by the time you're done, we'll be covered in snow."
Dipper just laughed before rubbing the back of his head with his left hand.
"Well it's a marathon, not a sprint."
"Yeah but you can still run a fast marathon," I retorted back, "Besides, your technique is gonna get yourself hurt dude. You're gonna strain or pull a muscle in your back and you're gonna waste your summer while being in pain. Trust me on this one dude. Like this one time I pulled a muscle in my back trying to lift like 15 logs, I thought I was-"
"When did you lift 15 logs?" asked Dipper, interrupting me.
"When I was like 12 helping my dad," I replied back, "I'm a lumberjack's daughter so I know how to cut a log."
Dipper then handed me the ax.
"Okay, can you show me then Master Wendy?"
"Hmm, show you I will. Help chop your wood I will too," I said in a god awful Yoda impression.
We both just started to laugh hard as it took a few minutes for the both of us to regain our composures. Then I started on my demonstration.
I got the ax in hand before then putting it blade down on the ground for a few seconds, letting the handle rest against my left leg. Then I casually spat in my hand to rub them and-
"Ew, gross!" chuckled Dipper, "I thought that they only did that in cartoons."
I couldn't help but grin from that. "Well you need some sort of grip on the handle. Normally you would wear gloves but as you can see, we're currently out of those right now. So you gotta do what you gotta do and improvise."
I then just grabbed the ax handle before taking aim.
"Okay now pay close attention. You wanna spread your legs out shoulder-width. That way, you got both balance and support, which is key since you are dealing with something that can lob off a body part."
I then raised the ax above my head as I continued on with my little lecture/demonstration.
"Now when you lift, lock in your elbows and then-"
With one swift motion, I brought the ax down and split that log right down the middle. I then handed the ax back to Dipper before placing up another log on the chopping stump.
"Now you try dude."
Dipper eagerly took the ax back in his possession, ready to show off what he just learned.
"Okay, here I go. First, get a good grip on the ax handle."
He then spat on his hands, rubbing them together before tightly grabbing the handle again.
"Then spread out my legs shoulder-width for balance and support."
I saw him do so, as I just continued to watch on.
"Then take aim, raising the ax up while keeping my elbows locked."
Dipper then raised the ax up above his head.
"And then-"
With one swift motion, he brought the ax down and split the log in half. Before I could say anything, he was laughing loudly.
"Oh wow! I did it! That was a clean split." He then looked at me. "Hey thanks for helping me out Wendy. I think I got this from here." He then got this little confident smile on his face before pointing the ax at the remaining pile of logs. "You guys are soooo gonna be firewood now. Heh, this should be a piece of cake now that I know the right technique." He then winked at me after saying that.
For some odd reason, my heart skipped a beat (don't ask! Just! Don't! Ask! EVER!). I could have simply walked away and let him have at it. But that's not why I came over obviously.
"Yo dude, teaching you how to chop wood wasn't why the only reason why I came over here though."
"It isn't?"
That wasn't a sarcastic 'It isn't?' response. That was a genuine confused 'It isn't?' response. Trust me, I know the difference between the two.
"You know dude, you've been up here in Gravity Falls for a couple of weeks now and well I kind of haven't been exactly…nice with you up until now."
"What are you talking about?" asked the confused boy known as Dipper with that confused puppy dog expression on his face.
"Well in laments terms, I've been a bitch to you dude," I bluntly said to him, finally speaking out, "And it's totally been not cool. That's not really me…well…I only act like that to people who deserve it like assholes."
I don't know why but I ended up getting this goofy grin on my face.
"To be honest dude, lately you and Mabel have been pretty fun to be around with."
Dipper had that brief 'deer in the headlights' look before then seeing me grin and hearing the last sentence I just said. "Wow, didn't think we would make that kind of impression on you."
"Well you did," I replied, "Looking back, I had so much fun on Lake Gravity Falls the other day when we were hunting the Gobblewonker. That was fun. And what you did for your sister by sticking up for her against that Gideon creep, you're a really cool dude Dipper."
We both just chuckled as I looked at him. "So, let's start over with a better introduction than last time." I then stuck out my hand. "The name's Wendy Corduroy. Welcome to Gravity Falls."
Dipper then stuck out his hand as well. "Nice to meet you Wendy. I'm Dipper Pines. I'm from Piedmont, California."
We just shook hands for a few minutes before breaking off (wow, he's got smooth hands for a guy his age).
"By the way, sorry about calling you Dorker earlier. But no offense dude, you were acting like a complete dorker when you first got here."
"Har har har," replied Dipper as he rolled his eyes in a sarcastic manner, "Well I still think there's something out there in Gravity Falls that is paranormal."
"Yeah, like how could Sheriff Blubs stuff like a stack of like 30 pancakes and not get sick."
We both let out a small laugh before head backing to the inside of the Mystery Shack. I mean, I know I the only thing I had at home was like watch TV and such. So I decided to stick around and shoot the shit with Dipper.
"So Dipper, out of curiosity, what's it like down in Pied-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked a shrill voice that could honestly make the Devil wanna rip his ears off, "YOU GUYS MADE UP AND ARE BEST FRIENDS!"
Out of nowhere, we were tackled and dogpiled onto each other by a very, veeeeeerrrrrry excited Mabel Pines (was she eavesdropping during the whole thing?! How much did she hear?!)
"This is great! We're all friends now! We can hangout, go camping, go hiking, stay up late and watch movies! It's gonna be a blast this summer."
Out of nowhere, I just got and wrapped Mabel up in my right arm and wrapped up Dipper in my left arm. A big grin was on my face.
"Darn straight it's gonna be a blast! Trust me, you two are gonna have so much fun here that it'll be criminal on how much fun we'll be having."
All three of us just laughed excitedly, eager to see what the next day will bring us.
Harlic: There…it's…it's done. So…So many…damn…
Poyo: Hiya… _
Wendy: We…We definitely need an extra person.
Harlic: Oh yeah…that reminds me. Somebody is going to be coming in the next day or so.
Wendy: Wait…what? Who is this other person?
Harlic: I don't know but that idiot ZeroFox knows! For all I care, he deserves what's happening to him right now!
Meanwhile…
ZeroFox: *is still passed out in a ditch in the middle of nowhere*