Ch. 10: Silence
Gohan blinked his eyes and found himself staring at the base of Hercule's statue.
In Honor of Hercule Satan
Earth's Defender in its Darkest Hour
Victor of the Cell Games
He didn't remember coming back to the arena. After he'd hit Krillin, he'd flown away from Rohsi's island without any idea where he was going. The monk's voice floated back through Gohan's consciousness.
"You can't keep running away, Gohan. Eventually, you're going to have to face what scares you."
He wasn't running away! He wasn't. What could he be running from? He had won! He was the strongest in the world! He had beaten Cell when Vegeta couldn't! When Piccolo couldn't! When his own father couldn't! They hadn't been strong enough!
That long ago awful day when Gohan had knelt beside Vegeta he'd been vaguely aware that his left arm was shattered. The pain that screamed through his nerves had dimmed his vision, but he had still managed to focus his gaze on the older man's face. The Saiyan Prince, battered and bloody, had pried his eyes open long enough to meet Gohan's gaze. "I'm sorry…" he whispered, brokenly.
Those words were the last words Gohan had ever expected to hear from the arrogant Prince's mouth and in some ways that was the last straw. First the monster had attacked his friends, then he had killed his father. Whether Vegeta was apologizing for interfering minutes ago, or for interfering and allowing Cell to ascend, Gohan didn't know. Nor did he care. Looking into Vegeta's eyes, Gohan's rage had overwhelmed him. He hated Cell. He hated.
His hatred was mirrored in Vegeta's eyes and for the first time, the two had understood each other. The moment, although brief, stretched. The Prince of Saiyans and a mere demi-Saiyan, son of a third class warrior banished from his home world, understood each other perfectly for this one moment in time. All differences aside, they both lived and breathed for one purpose… revenge.
The pain dulled as he forced himself back on his feet. Leaving Vegeta's side, he had turned and stalked towards Cell. He would end this. One way or the other, he would end this.
Cell sneered at him, taunting him with the promise of death and Gohan had felt his lips curl into a smile. If death was the worst the monster could offer, then he had nothing left to be afraid of.
"Nothing to be afraid of…" Gohan whispered. "Nothing but me. Why does no one see it? Why can no one see that at that moment, Cell wasn't the worst monster on the field?" Gohan turned and leaned back, his back pressed against the statue, his eyes gazing unseeing over the deserted grounds. Blackness so dark that he could almost feel it pressed against him and Gohan gasped, trying to slow his heartbeat.
No one understood that he couldn't let go of the past, because the past hadn't let go of him. He could feel the darkness inside himself. What if he couldn't control it? In that moment of secondary transformation, Gohan had never been more terrified. He had faced Freiza and even Cell with less fear than he regarded himself. But the fear had faded, it had been swallowed up by an almost carnal desire to spill blood, to rip his opponent to shreds with his bare hands. In that moment, Gohan had despaired of ever finding himself again.
He had been lost. Lost to the decency of the innocent child that screamed as he looked out of the eyes of a monster, lost to the mother who had asked him that morning if he had remembered to brush his teeth, and lost forever to the father's whose blood had stained his hands.
He had been lost and never been found again. He'd tried at first, he really had. Goten's birth had been a welcome distraction and a chance for Gohan to try and start over. He had failed as a son, but maybe he could succeed as a brother. But then the baby had looked so much like Goku, innocence shining from his eyes, a smile always at the ready, that instead of feeling the forgiveness he'd craved, Gohan found himself repelled.
How could he be around such innocence without sullying it? His guilt covered him and he wore it like a second skin. When it became too tight, he'd reacted by striking out. Smaller defiances grew until once again he found himself alone on the field of battle. But this time, he didn't hear the comforting voice of his father assuring him that everything would be alright.
Closing his eyes, Gohan drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head against them. If he wasn't going to go home, where could he go? He wasn't strong enough to face life by himself.
He had known that the day he faced Cell. Power raged between them, blast after blast colliding, flattening the landscape, leaving Gohan blind to all but the insanity of a battle to save the world when the battle itself was going to end the world. He could feel it inside him, power enough to leave Earth nothing more than a few rocks tumbling towards the sun.
Cell was screaming now. "Your world is forfeit! Your lives are forfeit! I will destroy everything in this universe!"
The beast that had taken control of him laughed and he heard the sound come out of his mouth. Scorn, disbelief, numbness… Gohan didn't know which emotion was strongest. He was going to lose because winning meant that he would be the one to destroy his world. He could defeat Cell, he knew that, but at what cost? The monster was so strong that a Ki blast big enough to kill him would be big enough to blow the planet in half.
"KILL HIM!" Half his mind was screaming in blood lust for him to do it, to destroy Cell at whatever the cost, the world be damned. The other part of his mind was screaming as well, a wordless wail, that ended in a whisper, "Daddy…"
And there had been an answer, "Hey buddy… giving up? That's not the Gohan I know!"
His father's cheerful voice had sounded inside his head and for one moment, Gohan had felt his heart take flight. "Daddy? Where are you?" Gohan remembered looking around wildly, but he couldn't see his father anywhere.
"I'm in the after life, son, with King Kai. But you don't need me. Everything you need, you already have inside you."
A single sob wrenched its way out of Gohan's throat. He longed to hear his father's voice again, but even the memory of it was dulled. Instead, he heard on the echoes of screams that would never fade. He would never be free of the memories of that day and he wasn't sure that he deserved to be. Sighing, he pulled his legs tighter against his chest. "Daddy…" he whispered into the nothingness.
But this time there was no answering voice in his head. There was only silence.