AUTHOR'S NOTE:
THIS CHAPTER HAS UNDERGONE A MAJOR EDIT AS OF 6/26/2018.
NINE
"Golden."
I laid there in my bed and stared aimlessly at the ceiling.
White. All I could see was white.
It was the same as the endless eggshell that would be in hospitals but it was better than other options, I presumed. It could have been bleak and dark. A day had passed since my encounter with the savior, with Rika, and everything had returned to the routine that I had been experiencing so far here at Magenta. I would do my best to talk to the RFA and when I wasn't talking to them I would walk up and down the halls for something - anything that would help me when I come together when a plan.
Tonight, I couldn't sleep. I splashed water on my face over and over - but it did nothing for the rings that had formed over the many sleepless nights that I had experienced so far. My phone went off next me all of a sudden and I jumped. Cold water was never enough to make me fearful - I pinched myself and checked the phone. The ID said it was Ray. I carried it with me and set it down on the bed before I crumble against it. I hit the speaker button since my arms felt too weak to properly hold it upright very long.
He sounded tired. "...Hello? Oh, you're not asleep yet. I was wondering whether you were you awake or not. Sorry to call so late."
"That's alright. Is something the matter? You sound upset." I asked.
"No, nothing's wrong... I just... I wanted to talk to you. Actually, I called you because I'm scared of falling asleep. I'm having bad dreams these days. And I'll end up screaming and bolting awake." He replied. Was he unable to escape his night terrors on his own? My lip curled underneath my teeth as I chewed at it.
Nightmares that woke you up in the middle of the night where you couldn't stop screaming - that was the true terror that many people could hold no fight against. I knew that terror very personally, there was a lingering shadow of a man behind him - always smirking and telling me I was no good - but to be able to face the demons in the dreams was always hard. Sometimes it just was easier to wake up and escape the fear. "What kind of nightmare was it...?"
"It's a dream where I go back to my childhood. You see... I'd dream about going back to my mom's house and getting locked up in a dark room. I can see Magenta right there out the window, but no matter how hard I hit the window and wave my hand, people outside can't see me. And when I keep hitting the window, my mom would scream that I'm making a fuss. And then she'd whisper to me... You're being more and more pain in the back, you bug, just die. Just go ahead and die. You're better off dead... Hah, now I feel like I made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I tend to stare blankly on my bed for a while when I wake up from a scary dream. When I sit alone in a room full of darkness and no sound... I feel like I'm left behind all alone. It feels like nobody ever wants me. But you don't know what it feels like, do you?"
The only light in this room was the illumination of my phone screen. I listened to him talk but it hurt to him to express himself this way. I knew he and Saeyoung hadn't had it very well, but it was difficult to hear from Ray himself in his own words.
I wouldn't tell him I knew fear. He didn't need to worry about something that had happened to me when I was over it. He was the one that needed compassion the most, tonight. "Don't be scared. I'll stay with you." I told him.
"I want to believe you," Ray mumbled. "I want to stay in your arms whenever you tell me that. I'm trying to hold myself because I'm scared you'll hate me if I do that... But I can't help longing for your words. Do you know that whenever I listen to you, I feel like I'm not a useless person? Whenever you comfort me... I sometimes think that maybe I'm a very little useful. Because when you talk about something about me, that means you had found that part acceptable. So I think... perhaps whenever you're talking about me is fine. I feel a little better talking to you like this. I think I won't have any bad dreams tonight... if I fall asleep like this."
"Do you... Do you want me to help you get back to sleep?" I asked him suddenly, an idea in mind. "I mean - I don't want to you to stay up all night if you feel bad. Nightmares are never real things. But, I think I know something that might help you feel a little about them."
He hummed in response. That was enough to let me know that he was exhausted. Rika was running him ragged. Ray was tired - I doubt much-made sense to him in this state of delirium. "What do you mean...?"
"When I was younger, my sister would sing lullabies to me when I had trouble getting to sleep. I can do that for you... I mean if you want me to that is." I trailed off, unsure.
"I've never had somebody do that for me before," Ray admitted. "My childhood wasn't very fortunate... but, don't feel obligated to do something for an airhead like me, Lila."
"Shush. You're not an airhead, okay?" I shushed him. "I don't feel obligated. I want to do it for you."
"Oh... Okay."
I racked my brain for different melodies that I knew, but there was only one that stood out to me despite its somber undertones. It suited him, for one reason or another... Maybe I thought it reminded me of his brother and himself...? It was the only song I knew vividly, as my sister would sing it to me. "The other night dear, as I lay sleeping... I dreamed I held you in my arms... But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken... So I hung my head and I cried... You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... You make me happy when skies are gray... You'll never know dear, how much I love you... Please don't take my sunshine away..." The other line had gone quiet as my voice trailed off.
I stared at my phone and laid there in the still silence of both sides of the phone call. I waited for him to say something... He did not. The sounds of soft breathing were all that was left. If he had been fighting himself to not sleep, I should have expected him to fall asleep before I could finish the song.
"...Good night, Ray. I hope no nightmare plagues your dreams anymore." If only I could say the same for myself.
Yoosung has entered the chatroom.
Yoosung: Oh Wisteria!
Wisteria: I can see the stars tonight, what about you? A few shooting stars have passed my window.
Yoosung: Look at the time... I think a human day passes way too quickly. I had a dream and Jaehee was super busy. Jumin suddenly had to go to a meeting and she had to take on his work as well
Wisteria: Oh my goodness
ZEN has entered the chatroom.
Yoosung: I think I saw her working nonstop.
Wisteria: That's her reality, I believe ;; It's so overwhelming its transferring to other people. Hey Zen!
ZEN: Wisteria, I see you're chatting with Yoosung ^^ I happened to be looking for him. Yoosung, Jaehee didn't even login once during the day.
Yoosung: Wha?
Wisteria: I'm actually worried about her, now you've mentioned that.
ZEN: same here...
Yoosung: Don't tell me... Do I have some magic power? SHAKING HEAD EMOJI
ZEN: lmao I think you hated Jumin, deep down inside just... like me. HAPPY EMOJI
Wisteria: Did you know there's barely a line between love and hatred? They are almost the same thing...
ZEN: And this difference you're talking about stands for at-least-hundred-differences-termed-as-a-difference, right? ^^
Yoosung: But, I don't really hate Jumin. There's no much I can learn from him. He's living as a victor.
ZEN: A victor...?
Yoosung: in this twisted world!
Wisteria: This world is dominated by the capitalists... the world where chaos is defeats sentiments
Yoosung: Yep. That's what the world is.
ZEN: You're having a sentimental night again, Yoosung
Yoosung: Yeah?
ZEN: I really really need your dark energy.
Yoosung: I'm not dark lololol
ZEN: Let me have that energy plz
Yoosung: I'm having the time of my life lol Why should I? lol I buy food from convenience stores I have a place to sleep it's fantastic!
Wisteria: Yoosung, if you want to help Zen out. You should go over to his place
ZEN: Yeah, get yourself over here. I must work for my dream.
Yoosung: Dream? I too... I once had a dream too. But now...
ZEN: Man...
Yoosung: ...I don't know. I'm not even sure where I'm going... lol but the world will care more about my GPA than my dreams
ZEN: hey
Wisteria: Hey, don't be so low Yoosung. The sun always rises the next day
Yoosung: Only darkness awaits in my future but the stars are so bright.
ZEN: Yoosung, listen... I want you to grab those sentiments of yours into that hideous backpack of yours
Yoosung: My backpack's not hideous.
ZEN: and get yourself here.
Wisteria: woooooop defend your choice of fashion
Yoosung: Thanks lolol it's nothing lolol
ZEN: hey get over here. now.
Yoosung: I'm not going anywhere lolololol
ZEN: I'm having rehearsal in two days and one of those days is about to end! I need those cynical sentiments of yours. You'll be a great help for me to complete my White.
Yoosung: I don't even know what that musical's about lol
Wisteria: Zen's your friend, Yoosung We have to each our friend when they're in need!
ZEN: That's what I mean.
Yoosung: I'm a busy man Zen lol I happen to be a busy student - busier then you think.
ZEN: Yoo-sung Kim
Yoosung: what?
ZEN: Tell me what you want.
Yoosung: I don't want anything... My life is pointless
ZEN: I'll give you my beauty tips.
Wisteria: I'll rescind my offer to teach you artistic means. Yoosung - help your friend!
Yoosung: SIGH EMOJI I already have good skin - I don't need to wear masks And Wisteria, I think you're just kidding ;;
ZEN: ugh... I knew this wouldn't do. But I understand. You don't even try becuz' you can't even dare look like me... CRY EMOJI
Yoosung: SIGH EMOJI
Wisteria: Think of something that Yoosung really needs. That might sway him
ZEN: I know he likes cooking, um... so I can do this to help him look good-looking like me... I can plot you a full diet plan.
Yoosung: Zen, I'm not interested in those kinds of things
ZEN: Try saying that after a couple of years, Don't you dare hope that your body will stay the way it is now.
Yoosung: I'll think about that later
Wisteria: ;;; Yoosung you can't put off the future forever
ZEN: Yeah. You should listen to her.
Yoosung: You shouldn't dare hope that you can give something that I really really want.
ZEN: Man... just get away. You're starting to sound like White. I knew it. White is like you.
Wisteria: Can't you just help Zen out for a little bit, Yoosung?
Yoosung: He's going to be busy nagging me if I go.
ZEN: I won't. So come on over. Please? Let's grab some cucumbers and practice.
Yoosung: SIGH EMOJI Only cucumbers? I'm not going.
ZEN: Yoosung, what do you want out of me?
Yoosung: I don't think there's anything you can do for me lol
ZEN: Can't my photos suffice?
Wisteria: he's not interested in your looks, my friend
Yoosung: yep. Show me you're serious
ZEN: I am being serious What do you want from me?
Yoosung: if you really need me...
Hm. Oh, there is one thing that's bothering me
ZEN: Oh. What is it?
Yoosung: but I don't think you can help me.
ZEN: CONFUSED EMOJI How come? I can.
Yoosung: It's about school stuff.
ZEN: I was a good student until middle school
Wisteria: Hear him out first
Yoosung: I'll tell you what it is since you're curious, Wisteria
ZEN: ok
Yoosung: My professor said that he'll replace the next exam with a group project... but I didn't study anyway, So I'm afraid. I might be a burden to the rest of the students.
ZEN: group project?
Yoosung: Yep...
Wisteria: Don't you think Zen can help you with that?
Yoosung: I'm not sure... Don't you think you're judging him too high?
ZEN: I might not have gotten as much education as you did but... Just what is this project about?
Yoosung: Summarizing the book's contents to give a presentation to the whole class.
ZEN: What's it on? If it's in music or drama. I think I can help
Yoosung: Math.
Wisteria: lololol I'm out
ZEN: lmao that's unexpected
Yoosung: See? T-T Told ya you can't help. CRY EMOJI
ZEN: Hey... Uh... uh Where is it due?
Yoosung: In about three weeks.
ZEN: I can't help you but I know a person who can
Yoosung: Who?
Wisteria: Somebody good?
ZEN: yep
Yoosung: Jumin?
ZEN: No... It's my insurance planner.
Yoosung: CONFUSED EMOJI What? Are insurance planners good at math?
ZEN: yep this one's no joke. He'll tell everything how much I can get, depending on the injury, and how much I'll get compared to other insurance companies
Wisteria: Sounds pretty good.
ZEN: yep He'll even tell me how much I'll lose or gain. If I enroll in an insurance that expires when I reach 60 years of age with even the future market price in a discount in the account.
Yoosung: I don't know much about insurances but...
ZEN: This guy majored in math.
Yoosung: What? Srsly?
ZEN: yep
Wisteria: Then you're definitely in good hands
ZEN: I'll ask him to help you.
Yoosung: Oh...? Why don't we invite him to the party?
ZEN: That's a great idea lmao
Wisteria: Send the info to me when you get the chance ^^
ZEN: Great, then I'll contact him. HAPPY EMOJI
Yoosung: But srsly, is it okay for you to ask an insurance planner to help with your friend's group project?
ZEN: yep I'm his best client, I've enrolled in the greatest number of insurances.
Yoosung: SHOCKED EMOJI
Wisteria: Why... Why would you enroll in so many plans?
ZEN: You never know what will happen in the future You gotta save when you can and prepare for the future.
Yoosung: whoa...
ZEN: And I want to be ready for the woman I'll meet in the future
Wisteria: Well, it's better to be prepared then not ;;;
ZEN: HAPPY EMOJI thnx lmao I live alone so I know very well that insurance is the only thing I can count on when I'm sick lmao
Yoosung: Zen... I think I know why you're having a hard time with White.
ZEN: You do?
Yoosung: Yes. Wisteria, can you see why?
Wisteria: Yeah. Zen, it's because you're a nice guy;;; It's hard for you to tap into dark elements when you yourself aren't so edgy
Yoosung: Somewhat. Take a good look at him.
ZEN: So what's my issue?
Yoosung: In my case, my dark energy comes from the lameness within
ZEN: Oh?
Yoosung: Your problem is that you're not lame enough.
Wisteria: ;;; you're saying
ZEN: well I'm just getting started lmao
Yoosung: I'm counting on this insurance friend of yours. Anyways! About what I said on lameness I'll give you the details... when I get there. Are you in a hurry right?
ZEN: I am! Hey catch a cab and be careful on your way here
Yoosung: Fine... I better wear something black to suit my dark energy lol
ZEN: sure thing lmao
Wisteria: Don't waste any time
Yoosung: He'll be the one who's sorry if that happens I'm going now.
Yoosung has the left the chatroom.
ZEN: Man... He's actually going to come over to help I think this is all thanks to you. You encouraged him
Wisteria: I'm not so sure that's the case.
ZEN: Hey now don't be so pessimistic! I'm an actor. I feed on positive energy. Man... I think I need coffee. I'll be working myself off practicing and I can't afford to lose concentration...
Wisteria: There goes the hope for sleep, huh?
ZEN: You're right but I can do this! And now... I'm off to concentrate.
ZEN has left the chatroom.
Sleep wasn't happening.
Everytime I closed my eyes and tried to rest - that man stood there in my mind and I couldn't get away from him. I fought for a long time but failed. It was around midnight when I decided I couldn't take being alone anymore in this room.
Ray had not dropped by, he had not even messaged me since the early morning, and I was worried for him. He was struggling in the middle of the night... The thought of him struggling with his memories and his tasks at hand, it made me worried. My worry was I couldn't be sure he was in good spirits either... Sure, he seemed to calm down after we talked. He had gone to sleep and I felt better about him. His days were always loaded with things to do. I couldn't be sure of what he was doing right now - only driving himself into a pit.
That was when I left my room in search of the garden - after all, I had been granted access to roam most of the building by the Savior herself. This evening could bring me a moment to think - to breathe - think about what was coming and what I could do. My feet were barely out of the doorway when I was stopped by the sight of Rika, and a flock of Believers following at her side. The whips of her long hair, the look on her face, the way she held herself despite her stature.
It was clear to me that she was the only one in charge.
"Step aside, please. The savior is coming through."
Rika noticed me in waiting. She raised her hand to silence this man at her left side. "No... She's fine. For paradise, Lila. It's a beautiful night tonight, don't you think? Are you having trouble sleeping?" Rika asked the look on her face made it seem like she was concerned for me personally, but I knew that was not the case.
"Oh, no, that isn't the case." The name left my tongue in a distasteful fashion. She was no savior. If I said the wrong thing, I feared, I would he greeting death much sooner then I had anticipated in life. "Um, Savior... Where are you going?" I asked.
She didn't notice the slight slip in my voice. "I'm headed to the worship chamber. Tonight I'll be in the lead of the evening worship service. Would you like to join me? It wouldn't be too bad to meet the new believers... No, wait. You're on a special mission, and since you're gifted with a special privilege, perhaps it'd be better for you not to meet the fellow believers just yet."
She mused this. "You'd be lonely for a while, but please stay as mysterious as you are now, Lila. Once you gain a thorough comprehension of our system and accomplish several feats in your current duty, I'll grant you executive position right away. I'm pleased with your accomplishments in the messenger. It's the greatest joy that Ray returned to his place. He's never seen someone so attractive like you from the outside, so apparently, he got sidetracked. I'll make sure there's no problem with Ray. I'll keep my eyes on him, so don't worry. I hope... You would do your best for our paradise, Lila. Now I must leave. For eternal paradise."
Rika's words were heavy on my mind after she left. There was so much here - so many people and this place hadn't even been in operation for very long. Her control over her words was nothing was mastery. She was just as real as the monsters from my nightmares and I couldn't run forever.
They would catch up with me one of these days.
My legs took me out of the building after some minor wrong turns, there was something wrong about standing where she stood after hearing her ideas revitalized. I had been outside for at least ten minutes when I decided to linger just a little longer - a little extra bit of freedom but I tied myself back down to the unknown. It was calm. It was quiet.
I was not bound by walls and whispers. Crickets would chirp when the evening would crackle. It truly was beautiful outside. I didn't have to worry about anything when I got lost like this. You can always trust nature to have your back, I reminded myself. Here - here my nightmares wouldn't reach me.
That man would never reach me. I let out a little sigh before it all began to dissolve into unresolved panic from the nightmare that lingered no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. "Lila... Lila, did you think that you could get away from me that easily?" My body turned to the sound of the voice but nobody was there.
"You're not here," I whispered.
There it was again. His voice. The one that I had long left behind for my own safety. "I'm always here. You'll never be able to get rid of me. Isn't that what you want anyway? You're the one that always cried when I left you. You want to be hurt that's why you follow people like me."
"Lies," I repeated to myself.
"You'll never find one who cares like I do. You think this one cares? You're so naive and trusting of a friendly face. He's just using you - like I used you. You're just a toy to be broken, easy game."
"No." I breathed. It was an echo of a word that I knew best. This wasn't going to happen tonight. "No. No. No. No. No. No."
I wasn't going to listen to this nonsense now - I wasn't going to let him control me - not now, never again. I needed to get somewhere. I didn't want this voice. I didn't want to be alone again. I didn't want to hear this. That was enough to make me turn tail towards the building - my legs carrying me back the way that I came and I didn't expect to run into anyone but I did with a thud.
"Huh. Are you...?"
I almost lashed out against him. It was Ray, I couldn't see most of his features in the dark but I knew that was him just by the sound of his voice. If I thought a ghost was back to bother me - I was mistaken this time. I sighed, sheer relief starting to numb the worry.
"Oh, Ray!" I was relieved he was alright. He had sounded so miserable when we last talked to each other..
"Is something wrong?" He first inquired, as I took a step back from him and dusted myself off.
He could tell that I wasn't. That fake laugh that I had was weak and wrong. "Of course not." There was enough indication by the leftover tears. I shook my head. "I'm okay, now anyway."
Ray was clearly nervous to see me. He was fiddling with his hands and refusing to meet my gaze. "Lila, um, you don't want to see me, do you? Is that why you're upset? I'll get back to my room now." Ray murmured.
He turned and took a step forward away from me but I found myself calling out to him. I felt like one of those children who ran to their parents room after they saw something in the dark, a little pitiful as I reached out. "Wait, Ray - That's not true... I'm not upset because of that. I'm happy to see you! Um, actually - could you, could you stay with for a little while?" I took that step forward and he turned his head to look back at me.
I didn't want to be by myself.
Ray hesitated. His lips set into a frown. "Can I...? You won't hate me even if I stay with you? I thought you'd be despising me because I ran away like that - like a coward. But, your eyes seem to tell me that you don't. Am I correct?"
He didn't want to be alone either by the look in his eyes. I shook my head. "I don't despise you, Ray." Who would have told him I would hate him? I didn't need to wonder... I knew the answer.
"I see... I knew it. Uh... I shouldn't tell you what I think. I'm not supposed to tell anyone what I think. I slipped again. I dared to tell you what I think...! I'm such an idiot. I'm such an airhead." His eyes began to swell up with tears as he spoke to me. He opened his mouth once more, assumedly to insult himself once more.
I raised my finger to my lip. "Shh, ssh. Hey, let's just sit down for a little while and talk okay...?"
We were sitting on a bench in the gardens - together - I was on one end and he was on the other. The gap was enough that neither of us would break it this soon - having each other in company was enough for now, I figured. It was a clear night in comparison to the past nights - The sky was above us and the stars wrinkled.
"Did you sleep well last night?" I asked.
"Ah... I'm sorry I fell asleep on the phone." Ray said.
I laughed, for some reason he sounded embarrassed and it made me feel a little better about myself. "That was the point, Ray. I wanted you to get back to sleep. Though, I wasn't sure I sounded that great."
"Like an angel," I heard him mumble underneath his breath.
"Hey, I'm no angel," I shook my head. "But I appreciate the compliment so thank you very much. I stayed on the line for a few minutes just case you woke up again - but you didn't, which was my goal. I wanted you to get some rest last night. You are feeling better right?"
"I am." He confirmed.
It was quiet again. I didn't like the silence even if Ray was here with me. "My favorite color is mauve."
"Huh?"
"My favorite color. It's mauve," I said. We both needed something else to think about then the past - than what had been going on. "It's a pale purple that has hints of pink within it... It's unlike Magenta because it has more hints of grey and blue in its tonal quality. It's descended after the French word, Malva, which means mallow flower. It's soft to look at it, but purple as a color has always had multiple meanings. Just because something appears soft doesn't mean its weak."
Ray was staring at me but I was looking skyward. "What about you?" I asked, turning my face back to him. "Do you have a favorite color?"
Ray's shoulders slumped. "...I don't really have a favorite." He said.
I figured that might have been the case. Instead, I asked. "What about flowers? Do you have a favorite flower?"
"Lily of the Valley," He whispered.
"The return of happiness," I recalled. A poisonous plant that could kill but it held such a pleasant meaning when it bloomed. "Isn't that what it means?"
"Yes," Ray nodded his head. We looked at each other, and he began to speak again about it. "The... return of happiness. One day I... I like to think that I will have that someday."
"You will." I murmured.
"And yours, you love Wisteria." He directed a question in my direction. "Why Wisteria? It's a climbing vine that destroys environments despite it's fascinating beauty."
"That's the thing, Ray. Wisteria... In flower language, it endures any thing that comes it way and overcomes. It can entrap your garden and overgrow if you don't handle the vines with care... It seems to swallow itself up with branches and branches even if it doesn't need so many." I looked down. The pavement had cracks where it had been poured and that was safer to look at than Ray.
"It pushes itself to gain more control, and that can harm others and it in the process sometimes... But it will endure. It endures pain. It lasts threw a lot of means against it. I decided I would be like the Wisteria. I would endure and one day show the world my strength despite the odds."
"That's why... I use that name." I admitted.
"I don't want you to have pain in your life..." Ray told me. "You don't deserve to be sad, not like me."
"Sometimes we have pain, but it's nothing to collapse into and let it control you," I whispered through the thicket inside of my head. Always find the light as fast as you can, at any cost, at any rate,, that's how you survive. "The darkness is nothing to let overtake you."
Ray was quiet. "I've never seen anyone like you before, Lila."
"What's that supposed to mean? You know I'm just like any other girl on the planet." I laid my hand on top of his. "Be honest, I won't be angry."
"The first time I saw you I decided you were otherworldly, like an angel beyond my understanding... Forgive me if I sound too strong with my feelings..." Ray said, something about the way he was phrasing himself made me wonder. Was he somehow able to get in touch with my information and my universe by some means? Had he somehow been able to see something - like, when he knew about a painting that he shouldn't have. "Different... Like, seeing colors that don't exist for the first time - like a new dawn - a very visceral experience."
I cocked my head to the side. "Oh."
"The savior thinks you're important because of that too, that's why you were chosen for this mission specially." He said quietly. "You're a mystery to me beyond my code, I want to learn more but I'm scared that since I'm so stupid - I'll do the wrong thing again... I'll make you angry. I'll make you cry. I don't know enough to know what the right thing to say is. All I know is the kindness you've shown to me."
"I only know little things about you - I may your likes and dislikes and when you were born but I don't know enough - I don't know how to make you smile all the time - I keep thinking that I'll do something wrong again and make you hate me." Ray shook underneath my fingertips. His breathing was uneven again, and I could hear him stifle a sob as his body wracked with grief and anguish.
"I'm so stupid. I keep thinking that I want you to embrace me even now. I thought about that when I visited you earlier. I kept thinking that I wanted to tell you everything I'm having a hard time with. I don't deserve to that... No matter how much elixir I take, I can't stop thinking about you. My eyes hurt, and my head hurts... If I find you, Lila. I keep having weak thoughts... that I'll get a little better. I don't deserve to do that. I'm useless... unless I work without stopping. I keep thinking of the way you look at me. It hurts every time I think of it."
I reached out to him with my weak smile. It pained me to hear somebody like him talking like this. "Please don't beat yourself up... You're free to follow your mind and heart, Ray. That's your right as a human being. There's nothing weak about caring for someone."
It was too close to home.
Too close to my own heart.
Self loathing at its core was something I had long known but it wracked my body with pain to hear anyone - especially someone like him - who had only shown me kindness this entire time.
Ray shook his head.
"No, no... Nothing will work if I do as I think. Only bad things will happen, and you'll leave me. I shouldn't do as I think, I need to endure all of this pain and difficulty. I can take it. I can take it all. I'm just going through a bit of pain, that's all. You shouldn't hear my whining. You can just turn and walk away. But... Just don't get too far... Don't leave me completely. You can be mad at me if I'm frustrating you. You can throw stuff at me. I deserve that. No, you should be mad at me. If I can at least be your punching bag...!"
I couldn't take his self-loathing - Ray was not a screw up in my eyes.
All that he had gone through and all he was fighting proved otherwise. He was very brave to still be standing here. He sounded like this was a part of his mantra he told himself daily. He hated himself. He insulted himself. He refused to believe any good existed in himself even as I tried to ease the words inside of him. This was the kind of self loathing you couldn't crack down.
I wanted it to crack faster.
"Ray... Ray! Stop doing that! Don't talk about yourself like that anymore! I can't stand to hear it!" The words came flooding out in a distressed shout - so bold so loaded - I couldn't believe I was telling somebody not to hate themselves.
My hands pressed against his shoulder as everything just came out. "Stop tormenting yourself. You're not worthless! You're okay just the way you are, okay?! I wasn't ever going to leave you - I promised! We're friends! I care about you! You've been avoiding me and suffering alone. You don't have to do that - because, because I'm here too. We have each other! So, look at me... please?"
"Lila..." His eyes met mine at once. Through the flood of my own tears I could see the confusion on his face.
"Because when I look at you I only see somebody I admire." I admitted.
I broke the distance between the two of us and did something - something I thought would be tangible enough for him to understand me. I leaned forward and I stole a kiss. It was a short kiss. Our lips barely touched for a second and a half, but at that moment I just wanted him to soften his tone and forget about those lies he thought of himself.
When I pulled back, his eyes were wide and his cheeks were turning pink.
"...?!"
Ray lifted a hand to his face and felt the hot intensity. "What was that? Was that some kind of punishment? Or...I... I don't think I get what you meant by that. But... It's making me feel hot and dizzy... I need cold water... Sorry. Forgive me. I need... My body is acting weird." He stammered.
Ray sprinted away before I could tell him anything.
"Ray, wait -" I raised my arm after him but it was pointless. It flopped back down to my side helplessly when he disappeared from my view. "It was... just a kiss."
Raising a hand to my face, I could still feel the lingering feeling of his lips as my fingertips ran against my lower lip. My face was just as hot as Ray claimed to be feeling on the inside.
Why did I do that?
The only kiss I had ever received was from a... failed relationship, and I hadn't shared one with someone since that ended. I avoided people, I only conversed with my family since that period of time and he was dragging me out of the hole I dug myself into like it was nothing - like it was absolutely nothing. Was it the way he looked at me? I wondered.
Could it have been the way he radiated when he talked about things he liked? His smile, even? There was so much about him that I didn't know. My thoughts for so long had been focused on trying to do something - something to pull him away from this darkness that. No. I had pushed myself into trying to rescue him that I hadn't even noticed my own feelings budding. I was incredibly wrong to think this whole time I wasn't attached.
I was following a white rabbit down a twisting tree trunk and there was no guarantee madness did not await me. Maybe I am walking a tightrope over the flames... but for some reason, I can't turn around and jump to safety. I'm not sure why I wanted to keep going. With the sky overhead and a rare smile on my face, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time.