Thanks to all who brightened my day 😊
-This story uses a NON-CANON TIMELINE, it's sort of a mishmash of all three games so I can keep all the fun characters/make good jokes. You have been warned!
CMDR SHEPARD
TO
ALL CREW
1146, Day cycle Alpha.23
RE: Team announcement
Dear all,
As you know we are approaching Khaje in anticipation of our next ground mission. A group of asari commandoes have gone quiet and Asari High Command have requested that we look into it. We have no further information about why they are there, or what we may be up against.
I therefore expect that each crewmember be held in a state of readiness so we can address any threat as it arises.
LT Alenko, Garrus and Tali will be joining me on the ground team. Those of you on C shift this week are on Echo alert in case things go south. All others are to remain on the ship, ready to assist as needed.
-Shepard.
COMMENTS ENABLED.
1154, FL MOREAU. Uhh Commander? You might want to get up to the cockpit… the planet is lighting up.
1155, CMDR SHEPARD. Lighting up? Like how?
1156, FL MOREAU. Like REALLY FREAKING BIG BOOM!
1157, CMDR SHEPARD. And you're letting me know via THE NOTICEBOARD?
1158, LT ALENKO. GROUND TEAM SCRAMBLE. MAKO DROPPING IN 3 MINUTES.
1159, CMDR SHEPARD. THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT COMMS ARE FOR.
1204, FL MOREAU. Team announcement: Crankypants has been deployed. Beer anyone?
1205, CMDR SHEPARD. THE NOTICEBOARD IS LINKED TO MY OMNITOOL, GENIUS.
1206, FL MOREAU. Oh dear… ever have that feeling when you know there's an axe hanging over your head, it just hasn't arrived at its destination yet…
1210, CMDR SHEPARD. An accurate summation of your current situation, Joker.
End of post.
CMDR SHEPARD
TO
ALL CREW
1718, Day cycle Alpha.23
RE: Action today
Dear Crew,
After the action today, I feel we all need a bit of a break and to let some steam off. I'm told the repairs to the ship will take approximately 12 hours, so I would like to invite you all to the Mess tonight at 2000 for a movie night. As a reward for his actions today, Joker will be choosing the movie.
Please BYO (YOUR OWN, NOT GARRUS'S) snacks, and I've heard the Commander has rustled up a few beers from somewhere.
You've all earned 'em.
-Shepard.
COMMENTS ENABLED.
1722, FL MOREAU. Jus fly down to the planet joker seriusly whats the big deal? Yeah joker, who cares if the ship might get hit by the GIANT CANNONS shooting laser beams into the sky?
1723, FL MOREAU. But joker we need an evac noooooow, they're shooting at us… YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY'RE SHOOTING AT ME TOO DAMMIT.
1724, CMDR SHEPARD. Joker…
1726, FL MOREAU. An 'm sure the guns they had pointed at me were like FIFTY TIMES BIGGERRRRR
1727, LT ALENKO. Joker, you—
1729, FL MOREAU. I TREAT MY BABY RIGHT, I DIN'T WANT TO GET HER SCRATCHED UP AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. IT'S A FRIGGIN CATASTROPHE.
1731, LT ALENKO. JOKER! GET A GRIP!
1735, FL MOREAU. I CAN'T GET A GRIP, THAT'S HOW I BROKE MY ARM. AND ALL MY RIBS. STUPID CANNON WITH ITS STUPID LASER BEAM OF STUPID.
1737, CGO WILLIAMS. He's high as a kite…the sound like some sweet pain meds.
1740, DR CHAKWAS. I'd give him 15 minutes and he'll be out like a light. He's got no tolerance for narcotics.
1743, FL MOREAU. Just talk about me like I'm not here why don't you? It's not like you ALL OWE ME YOUR LIVES. PEW PEW PEW, DUCK, SWERVE AND HE BEATS THE LASER BEAM, PERFORMS AN EFFORTLESS PICKUP OF GROUND TEAM, FLIES OFF INTO THE SKY
1745, CGO WILLIAMS. And then gets the ablating on the left wing blown up so we're dead in the air for 12 hours…
1748, FL MOREAU. I'd like to have seen you do better Williams! One of the beams went wide and blew up a freaking satellite, IT BLASTED IT STRAIGHT AT US. ANYONE ELSE AND YOU'D ALL BE SMEARED ALL OVER THE PLANET SURFACE. YOU'RE DAMN WELCOME.
1751, LT ALENKO. And we're grateful for your contribution Joker.
1759, CGO WILLIAMS. It's suddenly quiet…. Too quiet….
1806, CGO WILLIAMS has uploaded an image.
[JOKER is slumped forward in his seat, face smooshed into the console beneath the holo controls with a little string of dribble creeping down his cheek.]
1810, CGO WILLIAMS. Yeah, he's toast. That can't be comfortable.
1821, LT ALENKO. Did you at least move him?
1829, LT ALENKO. Ashley?
1843, CMDR SHEPARD. Poetic justice.
End of post.
CMDR SHEPARD
TO
ALL CREW
1951, Day cycle Alpha.23
RE: Movie night
Party's starting in the Mess now people, Joker has since revived (sort of) and is insisting on picking the movie tonight…That is not an excuse for not attending.
-Shepard
COMMENTS ENABLED.
1955, G VAKARIAN. Need I remind you what his last choice was, Shepard? You're willing to put us all through that AGAIN?
1956, CGO WILLIAMS. You just don't appreciate Monty Python, Garrus, you're in the minority here! The Holy Grail is a classic.
1957, CMDR SHEPARD. No comment.
1959, G VAKARIAN. But… what the heck does 'Ni' mean? And why do knights say it? AND WHAT IS A SHRUBBERY?
2001, CGO WILLIAMS. Ok I'll give you that one, it's probably unintelligible for a non-human. But the point stands, it's an excellent movie.
2005, G VAKARIAN. The main characters spend the whole movie jumping around pretending to ride other animals and using the husk of a plant to simulate the sound.
2009, TA HUTCHISON. Uhhh.. what?
2011, CGO WILLIAMS. They use coconuts to make clip-clop noises and pretend they're riding on horses.
2013, TA HUTCHISON. Ahh classic.
2015, CGO WILLIAMS. See? Hutchison gets it Garrus!
2016, G VAKARIAN. Guess I'm just defective then.
2017, CGO WILLIAMS. You said it, not me!
2020, G VAKARIAN. I did like the part where the knight got both his arms chopped off and then said "it's a flesh wound."
2023, CMDR SHEPARD. That's because it's something you would say… One day you're going to take a rocket to the face or something then get up and keep going. Nutcase.
2025, G VAKARIAN. I like to call it 'remaining resilient in the face of adversity'.
2027, DR CHAKWAS. As the Doctor here, I like to call it stupid.
2028, G VAKARIAN. Dr Chakwas! You wound me…
2030, DR CHAKWAS. No, that's from when you ran into the middle of a firefight today to swipe a new gun mod from a mercenary.
2031, CMDR SHEPARD. Yeah, that sounds about right.
2032 G VAKARIAN. Are we starting this movie yet?
2035, CGO WILLIAMS. Hmmm. I like the turn this conversation took.
2037, G VAKARIAN. Yeah yeah Chuckles.
2038, CGO WILLIAMS. IT IS NOT A THING.
And we leave it there because I haven't got too much time to write more now. But I have plans for the rest of their evening hehehe… What do you reckon is going to happen? What movie will Joker pick? WILL GARRUS EVER APPRECIATE MONTY PYTHON? (Probably not) And Shep's bringing beer… that can't end well.
-AT