A/N Warning, this actually takes ~ 10 minutes to read.
You can time it if you want. I did.
I thought it was important for it to actually be between 8 and 10 minutes.
Though, mumbled it with the characters voices. It's fun! You should try it! XD
It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to do this, and this is my final decision.
So for explanation:
The little bracket arrows (^) are clip breaks. They were originally stars, but Fanfic was like NO. Then just arrows. Still no. Ugh. I was about to kill this. XC So watch out for them.
Each characters name when followed by a colon (:) is what their dialogue.
The italic writing is explanation of what is happening.
And the bolded writing is just white, or black (use your imagination) on the opposite shaded background.
K.
And start the stopwatch…. NOW!
Family Studies 2011
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Studying: Tweak Family
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By: Craig Tucker & Kenny McCormick
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Opens to Kenny in Craig's bedroom.
Kenny: Is it working? Kenny squints, his face only inches from the camera lens.
Craig: Is the red light on?
Kenny: Ummm… YES! Hello Family Studies class! This is the McTucker experience! For you today are so very pleasured to watch us stalk and interrogate the interesting Tweak family! Let's go! Said blond waves goodbye and begins to laugh.
Craig: You're such a fucking cheeky little bastard.
(^)
Camera glimpses around Tweek's room before settling on said boys mother entering the room.
Kenny: Ah, thank you so very much Mrs. Tweak. Mrs. Tweak hands the blond a coffee.
Craig: Kenny, what am I supposed to be filming?
Kenny: Tweek, how much coffee do you drink?
Tweek: Gah! Umm w-one cup when I get up, another before I l-leave for school! –Ack! Another when -Jesus! (^) Ah! T-two at lunch, one r-right when I get home, andanotherfordinner! Eng! And one more when I take my pills beforeIgotosleep!
Craig: You sleep?
Tweek: Ah! F-for the past few years I have been!
(^)
Cuts to the three downstairs in Tweak kitchen
Kenny: In the kitchen, exactly where she should be.
Mrs. Tweak: Oh hello boys. Do you need more coffee?
Tweek: Yes! He runs to the coffee makers and frantically pours himself a glass.
Kenny: Actually we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions. (^) How long has your husband's coffee shop been under his management?
Mrs. Tweak: About twenty years now.
Kenny: Has the shop always done well for itself?
Mrs. Tweak: Well not exactly… Quite frankly the Tweak Blend tastes like two-week-old sewage slush containing vomit and carcass. But I suppose some people like it.
Kenny: Do you use his blend at home?
Mrs. Tweak: Oh, heavens, no. Just in the first maker there you see on the counter. The second and third brewing machines hold Maxwell's House Coffee.
(^)
Secrets…
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Tweek: Gah! W-what if he finds out your lying! Jesus Christ! Pressure! H-he'll kill us both!
Mrs. Tweak: Now Tweek, what have I told you about joking about death. It's not a joking matter. Off to the side, Kenny can barley contain himself.
Tweek: Ah! He'll sell me to some Mexican rapists that'll use me in the underground sex trade! Ah! I can't take that kinda pressure man!
Mrs. Tweek: Tweek, it's time for you to go take your medication and get some rest.
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Drugs…
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Craig: How many pills do you take anyway?
Tweek: J-just one before bed! Ah! Tweek swallows the pill, as Kenny films right at his face for full effect.
(^)
An hour later…
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Tweek is lying against the wall in the corner of his room.
Kenny: Holy shit, dude. He looks like he just took a fucking hit. The camera zooms in on the blond whose head falls forward.
(^)
A shot of the orange, blue, and brown decorated coffee shop is seen. The camera is then focused in on Tweek in his little orange shop apron, looking scared shitless from behind the counter.
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Craig is sitting on a stool in front of the counter, looking bored as usual. Mr. Tweak is sipping coffee calmly behind the store counter.
Craig: Mr. Tweak, how many days a week does your son work here?
Mr. Tweak: Our son works here almost every evening after school, except Thursdays.
Craig: Why not Thursdays?
Mr. Tweak: He has yoga on Thursday nights. Kenny chuckles from behind the camera. Craig subtly flicks the boy off so Richard cannot see.
Craig: Does he work alone?
Mr. Tweak: Yes. The coffee business is not one that requires many people making it together. You see; coffee needs to be handled single handedly with great care. It is a child that needs only its mother-
(^)
The clip cuts out the rest of Mr. Tweak's metaphorical rant. The scene changes to Craig, and Tweek, walking in front of the camera. Kenny turns the device around to film his face.
Kenny: We're walking Tweek to his yoga seminar thing right now. It's fucking cold out! Kenny turns the device back around. He proceeds to run in front of his friends, and walk backwards to film.
Craig: Christ, I'm freezing my nut sack off out here. You do this every Thursday?
Tweek: Gah! Y-yes! M-my old therapist, like, three years ago t-told me I gotta calm down, man!
Craig: Does it help?
Tweek: I guess! –Ack!
Kenny: I thought coffee calmed you down, dude?
Tweek: Ah! It does, man! B-but at least I don't have to listen to my Dad's metaphors for a few hours!
Craig: He fucking kept us in his shop for, like, an hour telling us how coffee is the root of life.
(^)
Tweek is currently standing on his arms; his legs are over his shoulders, perpendicular to the floor.
Kenny: Dude! That looks like it fucking hurts! Kenny whispers loudly.
Craig: Yeah, what is that one called?
Tweek: 'The Flying Insect'. It's for advanced learners. Tweek answers calmly. Kenny shifts the camera to the brunette beside him.
Kenny. Dude, Tweek being calm? Isn't that like a paradox or something? Kenny jolts the camera back around to the small blond, who is now flipping him off with one hand, and keeping balance with the other.
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Scene changes back to the addict's bedroom. Tweek is nervously standing, his face flushed.
Kenny: So, Tweekers, how does being an only child affect your family?
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Kenny and Tweek are how sitting hand-in-hand on the small boys bed.
Tweek: Eng! W-well I guess it's lonely to be honest. Th-there's never anyone around… My parents don't really care and –Gah! And no one hangs out with me because I have ADHD and -Ack! A coffee addiction. Kenny quickly pecks his lips to the small boys.
Craig: Fuck's sake, Kenny.
Kenny: What! I missed them! Tweek's entire face is beat red. The small blond shakes nervously from beside his boyfriend.
Tweek: Heh… Um, and, um… I guess my family doesn't go on a whole lot of trips together, cause of my anxiety. And there's no other child pushing t-trips or anything…
Kenny: Well you won't be very lonely anymore now will ya? Kenny wraps his arm around his fellow blond and swiftly kisses his cheek.
Craig: Kenny. Do I need to do the questioning? Cause if you just keep touching the kid, then I will take over. Kenny flips off the camera.
Kenny: Awe babe just get our pretty faces so I can at least hold his hand! (^) So, Tweek, your family doesn't go on many vacations?
Tweek: W-well –Ergh! M-my parents leave me home alone a lot to go to coffee conventions! It's kinda –Ngh! F-fucked up.
Craig: Coffee conventions? Really? That is fucked. Tweek nods spastically.
(^)
Scene cuts to family pictures that are displayed in the den of the Tweak residence. Craig can be seen filming in the reflections. The camera stops on the middle of three wedding pictures of Tweeks' parents.
Craig: How long have your folks been married, Tweek? Tweek can be seen walking towards the pictures in their glass reflections.
Tweek: -Eng! S-since I was two! The camera moves on to a picture of the three family members. Tweek is seen as a toddler in a small little black tuxedo.
Craig: Awe. Weren't you cute. The cameraman deadpans. So, that's, what? Fourteen years?
Tweek: -Ack! Y-yes! The camera shifts to a picture of Tweek, in a diaper, grabbing desperately at a coffee cup his father is dangling just out of his reach.
Craig: How long have you been fucking drinking that shit?
Tweek: C-coffee? Ah! As soon as I was off the bottle!
Kenny: I bet his mom drank enough of it Tweek was getting it straight from her fucking tit! Kenny shouts from the couch. The camera turns to a blushing Tweek, who is looking around, embarrassed of the very true fact.
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Clip opens to Craig setting up the camera, while Kenny and him are in the Tucker's basement.
Kenny: is it good? Craig sits back on the couch.
Craig: Hm. The blond passes his boyfriend a PS3 controller.
(^)
Kenny: So, they're what? A 'nuclear' family?
Craig: Yeah, married parents and a kid under the same roof. It's the epitome of 'nuclear'.
Kenny: What are you, smartass?
Craig: That one with a single parent and one child is. What are you? Inbred?
Kenny: Hey, fuck you, Tucker! I checked! My parents are 100% NOT related, okay?
Craig: As if you eve had to check.
Kenny: Kyle did for me when Cartman first found out what inbreeding even is. He ripped on me for about a month for it. Ha! Headshot, bitch!
Craig: Fuck you. Oh, pwned your ass there homo.
Kenny: So, the whole single child thing affects him 'cause he has to do all his parents chores.
Craig: And they leave him home alone, so he's lonely and shit.
Kenny: And they don't go on trips, cause of his anxiety, right?
Craig: Take that fudge packer. Oh, yeah, something like that.
Kenny: The kid just needs to get laid.
Craig: Is that your solution to everything? Whenever someone is uptight, you always tell me they need to get laid.
Kenny: YOU fucking need to get laid. Chill out, it's just an expression. Oh, and yeah, sex IS the answer to every predicament, by the way.
Craig: Make love, not war?
Kenny: -craft.
(^)
The scene changes to Craig, and Kenny, with Mrs. Tweak at the Tweak's dining room table. She, of course, has a cup of coffee in hand.
Craig: So, what is Tweek specifically diagnosed with?
Mrs. Tweak: Attention Deficit Disorder, and anxiety.
Craig: Who confirmed that?
Mrs. Tweak: The therapist we had Tweek seeing for about six months.
Kenny: Just six months?
Mrs. Tweak: Oh, the doctor took away Tweek's thermos. Kenny begins to laugh. Tweek then proceeded to attack the poor woman.
Craig: R-really? The boy behind the camera asks between bursts of quiet laughter.
Mrs. Tweak: Yes, it's true. We were issued a restraining order. Kenny is now doubled over in hysterics.
(^)
The three boys are sitting on a bench at the shore of Stark's Pond.
Craig: Kenny, pay attention. The camera quickly shifts away from being zoomed in on a bird in the sky.
Kenny: WHOA! The blond exclaims form behind the camera. Forgetting to zoom out, he is now filming his brunette boyfriends' face VERY closely. Dude! This camera is sick! Craig rolls his eyes.
Craig: Tweek, we heard you have a restraining order on someone?
Tweek: JESUS MAN! W-which one?
Kenny: You mean there's more than one? The cameraman, and the raven beside him, begin to chuckle.
Tweek: Ah! Th-there's one from the dentist, th-the pet store guy, -Ergh! M-my old therapist, Stephan Spielberg and G-george Lucas, um! GAH! And I'm n-not allowed back in Pennsylvania! Silence looms over the three as Craig just stares at the small convulsing blond.
Kenny: The pet store guy?
(^)
The clip cuts to a close up of Kenny's face. The three are all still at the pond.
Kenny: So that concludes our 'project' Even though it was really just interrogation for three weeks! The camera is moved away from the blond's face to be held out in front of the three boys.
Tweek: Gah! Tweek shouts from the middle of his two taller boyfriends.
Kenny: What did you learn, Craigy-boo? The raven flips off the cheeky boy.
Craig: Well I guess this wasn't a complete waste of time. The two outer boyfriends kiss the smaller blond of either cheek. The image pauses as words appear to the screen.
Fin.
A retarded documentary by Craig Tucker & Kenny McCormick
A/N And STOP!
~10 minutes?
Did you read out loud?
It's more fun that way, I promise! XD