AN:
I hope you all had a nice Easter break. For me university starts again. I will try to keep up regular updates once per week, but the chapters will become shorter again. Shorter but regular updates should help me to keep up the flow. I hope that is ok?
A review from JayJay37 made me realize that I consequently misspelled „potion" and I got Daphne's last name mixed up. Sorry for that and thanks for the hint! I've corrected that.
Last but not least, I want to thank again my reviewers, especially the regular ones - you know who you are ;) -, for the feedback.
Yet again Pansy listened to another Ministry of Magic bureaucrat droning through formalities. This time it was an almost colorless woman, an advocate from the legal department. They were sitting together with Professor Slughorn in his office. Pansy had not bothered to remember the woman's name. The advocate read out Marianne's will, at least the part that was a legal document. The will stated that Pansy was the only heir. She was now the owner of a small cottage somewhere in South England. A sum of money was added to her starting funds for the time after school. The cottage could wait. It was magically secured by Ministry of Magic wards until Pansy was able to inhabit it, if she wanted to.
All that did not matter. Pansy clutched the most important thing in her hands. It was a letter Marianne had written to her the same day she made her will a few years ago. It came with the legal document. Pansy had to wait till the formalities were over before she was able to read it in private. How was it possible that this woman had got such a monotonous voice? Was she related to Binns?
Pansy was glad that Hermione had insisted on coming with her. The other girl was waiting outside. To know that she was there was enough for Pansy to keep calm.
Finally it was over. Pansy stood up, went through the motions of saying goodbye, and stepped outside. She closed the door of Slughorn's office, leaned against, and exhaled heavily. Pansy searched for Hermione's eyes. The other girl met her gaze. Pansy pushed off from the door, took Hermione's hand hand ran with her back to the common room they had left half an hour ago. It was dinner time. It would be empty.
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1 September 1996
Dearest Pansy, my little girl,
I have been thinking about you, my little blossom, ever since your parents separated us and banned me from Parkinson Park. I'm still not sure, why they did it. Your parents knew that I'm Muggleborn when they first hired me. I don't know, why it became an issue when you turned nine years old. All I know is that Lucius Malfoy had visited the day before.
At first I tried to send you messages or letters till I received a warning from your father threatening to hurt you if I did not stop. Your family looks back on a bloody history of defending their pure-blood line against the slightest threat. I believe that he is capable of keeping up the old ways and hurting his own daughter. With a breaking heart I realized that my attempts to get in contact with you would only put you in a tight corner or would even endanger you. So I backed down for the sake of your safety and did not even try to reach you while you where at school. Your parents are in alliance with the Malfoys, the most influential family of dark wizards that has managed to roam free in the magic community. They would have learned about any contact between us one way or the other.
Over the years I tried to get a glimpse from a distance of how you grew up. In disguise I saw you entering the Hogwarts Express every year like I did today. You were together with the Malfoy boy. I also scanned every newspaper and magazine to detect a glimpse of you. I've found them during the year of the Triwizard Tournament. I'm looking at a photograph of you as a member of Umbridge's inquisitorial squad that was published in the Daily Prophet a few months ago.
My heart aches. Oh, what have they done to my beautiful girl? I'm writing my will now and hope so that one day you will be independent from your families fortunes. It will probably make no difference. With or without my help, you have it in yourself to become the strong and beautiful person I know you to be.
Someday we will see each other again. Until then I will listen to every news, every rumor, and hope to be able to get to you in time to prevent any madness that your parents have in mind for you in the future.
You will always be my little blossom. What ever happens, please know that I will always love you.
Yours
Marianne
Pansy pressed the letter to her heart with one hand and covered her eyes with the other hand. She felt the tears welling up behind the eyelids. No, she would not cry. She never cried in company. Pansy set her jaw and breathed heavily.
An arm snaked around her shoulders. Pansy tensed up. She knew it was Hermione. The other girl sat beside her in their favorite love chair in front of the fireplace in the common room. Pansy straightened up without removing the hand from her eyes. Hermione moved closer and embraced her with both arms. Pansy heard soothing words, felt the tenderness of a touch, smelled Hermione's scent - a little bit of vanilla, a little bit of aniseed, a little bit of cardamom. A little bit of singed hair? Never mind. Pansy gave in. Once, just for once Pansy wanted fall into the comfort of Hermione's embrace. She rested her head on the other girl's shoulder. The tears fell. There was no way of stopping them. Hermione held her close to her body. She stroked Pansy's hair and kissed her forehead. They sat like this for a while.
Luna returned from the Great Hall with a little lunch package for the two of them. And pudding. She sat in a single chair, waiting, humming a little tune.
Pansy slowly calmed down. She felt drained. She wanted to fall asleep in Hermione's arms. Just for a moment. Before she let that happen, Pansy rubbed her face shortly and leaned back into the back of the love chair. She gave Hermione a little thankful smile. Hermione withdrew her arm, but stayed close to Pansy.
„Do you want to talk about her?" Hermione asked after a while.
Pansy gave her the letter to read. Luna kept humming to herself. After what seemed like an eternity, Hermione looked up and handed the parchment back to Pansy. She cleared her throat. Luna fell silent.
„My mother gave birth to me, placed me in Marianne's arms, and went back to business as usual." Pansy sighed. „This sounds like the beginning a story about my awful childhood. It's not. The first few years of my childhood were great. I had Marianne. I saw my parents only during meals and on holidays. We didn't interact much. Marianne was the one who raised me. She read good night stories from Beedle the Bard to me and other stories. Only recently I realized that a lot of them must have been written by Muggles. Anyway, she kissed my knee better when I fell down. She was the one who explained the world to me. Marianne was the one who told me, that I was beautiful and special. I loved her. I always believed that she loved me, too. When I turned nine, my parents took that away from me." With regret she looked at the letter in her lap. She added very quietly: „I never should have doubted her."
One stray tear rolled down her cheek.
„You were nine years old, Pansy", Hermione said. She laid one of her hands on Pansy's thigh, presenting the palm, fingers slightly open. Pansy put one of her own inside the offered hand. Slowly they interlaced their fingers.
„What happened?" Luna asked, her eyes fixed on Pansy. She had never seen the blond girl so attentive. Pansy squirmed in her seat. This was her worst memory, the memory a dement or would call to torment her. Pansy pinched the bridge of her nose. She had never talked about it before. It hurt. But it helped to talk about it with her friends. No more hiding.
„On my ninth birthday, my parents called Marianne into my father's study. They had a big row. I heard them arguing in loud voices but couldn't understand a word. My father made sure, that it was impossible to eavesdrop." Pansy nodded at the letter."Now I know, why they were arguing. Anyway, at some point my mother came out of the study and locked me into my room. I shouted and hammered at the door for hours. A house elf let me out at dinner time. I ran to Marianne's room. It was empty. Her things were gone. There was no note, nothing. At the dinner table my parents called her a Mudblood, a traitor, and a filthy liar. They said, Marianne had to leave because they wanted no stains on the House of Parkinson. They never spoke of her again."
Hermione squeezed Pansy's hand. Her free hand flew to her chest.
„For months I waited for a letter from her. I sneaked into our owlery almost every day and tried to send her a message. I never got an answer. I never knew if she had a home or a family outside of Parkinson Park. For me she was family. She belonged there. After six months I gave up. I was hurt. I felt abandoned and believed that she had forgotten about me. I haven't seen her, spoken to her, heard from her. There was no contact till the bloody wedding day." Pansy swallowed. „When I managed the auction of Parkinson Park, I found her letters together with mine among my father's documents. Only Merlin knows why my parents kept them."
Pansy rubbed her chest with her free hand. Hermione and Luna looked at each other but they did not interrupt her.
„After Marianne was gone, my mother took charge of my education as the off-spring of an old pure-blood family. At first I was mutinous. She answered with draconian punishments. I had means to oppose her. A nine year old girl without any magical training and no one to turn to against a fully educated dark witch. I had nothing to fight with. My only ally was gone. At some point I gave in and adapted to her education. It was a survival strategy. I became quite the overachiever, as you know probably all too well." Pansy paused. Tears threatened to fall again. „Oh Merlin, Marianne saw the interviews with Rita Skeeta or the articles about the inquisitorial squad under Umbridge's regime over Hogwarts!"
Pansy felt shame rising in her chest. She tilted her head slightly towards Hermione.
„Have I ever said sorry to you for my behavior?"
Hermione tilted her head towards Pansy. Their foreheads almost touched. Pansy looked at Luna. The blond girl nodded slightly.
„I think we are quite beyond the point where an apology is necessary. Thank you, anyway", she said. With a small smile she added: „I think, you already paid quite a bit for your actions in the inquisitorial squad with the antlers that Fred and George gave you as a goodbye present."
Pansy could not help but smile back despite the grave mood. She was in awe that the other girls found it in them to be her friends and that they did not turn their backs on her.
„Of course you remember that one", she said and shoved Hermione lightly with the shoulder. The other girl shoved back. They grinned at each other for a moment. Hermione became thoughtful again.
„What was it that caused the change of your heart?" she asked.
Pansy swallowed. This was thin ice. She wanted to tell Hermione the truth without giving away that she was the one who Pansy loved. She sighed. There was no use. She had to get on with her story. Her hand became sweaty. She wanted to withdraw it from Hermione's grasp. The other girl started to stroke her hand with the thumb. Pansy closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
„Well, I fell in love. It started with a key moment at the hight of my career in the inquisitorial squad. I realized that I was in love with another girl. She was Muggle born. I panicked. There was no way that I could be gay or in love with a Muggle born. One of the two was bad and worse. The combination was a catastrophe. My parents never would have accepted something like that. I thought that they would disinherit me, through me out of the house, and call me a disgrace of the Parkinson family. So I did what helped me survive in the past years. I kept up the facade of the pure-blood good girl and set out to become Draco's girlfriend. We became a couple the same day. It was expected of me anyway. By my family, by the other Slytherins, by the Malfoys."
Hermione raised her eyebrows.
„And Draco?"
„I don't think that he ever fancied me. But he had to meet the same expectations like me. He didn't mind going out with me. We were friends. In our situation that wasn't too bad. Then your adventure at the Department of Mysteries happened. The magic community knew that the Dark Lord was back. Everything changed for Draco. His father was arrested and in disgrace with the Dark Lord. Draco was in a tight corner himself."
Hermione looked at their joiners hand but did not let go.
„Did you know what he was chosen to kill Dumlbedore?" she asked.
No. Pansy had not known that. Would Hermione and Luna believe her? She had to try.
„In all honesty, no. I really didn't. I've never seen his dark mark. I only saw him naked at the end of our fifth year a few times, if you know what I mean." Pansy noticed that Hermione shifted uncomfortably beside her. Still, the other girl did not move away. „He didn't have it back than. He must have been branded sometime during the summer vacations. At the beginning of the sixth year he did make allusions that he was bestowed with a task by the Dark Lord. I thought, he was just boasting to divert from the fact that his father was in Askaban. What kind of task could that be if there was one at all? Spying on the students, maybe? I didn't think he could cause serious harm. How naive I was! I didn't believe him to be an assassin."
Pansy searched Hermione's eyes for any reaction to her last revelation. Hermione looked back at her with concern. There was no sign of disbelieve. Pansy turned to Luna and meet the same expression in the blond girl's face. She scratched her chest with her free hand.
„Anyway, I didn't pay him much attention. I tried to sort things out for myself. We didn't see each other over the summer. We exchanged letters. Back at Hogwarts, we only acted as the happy couple. I was glad for the cover while minding my own business and he also continued to play along. I think, he was relived to have some kind of distraction from the problems in his life until he got too preoccupied with his schemes."
Pansy paused.
„Being intimate with Draco showed me that I could not bear to live a lie like that for the rest of my life. I was gay and had to brace myself to face the consequences. I was scared shitless. Being myself meant a fall out with my family, with the ones I called friends until then, with the rest of Slytherin House. It took me ages to act on my feelings. I used an opportunity to break up with Draco. The rumors had it, that he went somewhere with two girls during a Quidditch game. I made a scene and ended the relationship. Still I was far away from outing myself let alone approaching the girl I was in love with."
Pansy did not dare to look at Hermione. Instead she sought eye contact with Luna. The blond girl nodded reassuringly.
„In the end I waited too long. Dumbledore got killed. Later the Dark Lord took over the Ministry."
Suddenly Pansy felt blinding anger at her parents, at the Malfoys, at all the Death Eaters.
„How dare they? They killed Dumbledore here on the school grounds. How dare they to force their own children to make such decisions? They tried to force Draco to be an assassin. Draco is a lot of things but he is not a killer. Who does these kind of things?"
Deep breaths. Pansy took deep breaths to calm herself. She had shouted the last sentences.
„With the next Hogwarts letter came the Head Girl badge. The letter was already signed by the Carrows. I knew who they were. I knew, being myself was suicide when they were at Hogwarts. So I decided to reinstall the facade of the good pure-blood girl to survive. This time I tried to offer resistance from within the system. It worked until my parents tried to force me to marry Draco. I simply lost it in front of all the guests. You know the end of the story."
In Pansy's conflicting emotions grief got the upper hand.
„They kidnapped Marianne. She was in danger because she was Muggleborn, because they wanted to get to me. They killed her!" Pansy said, crying.
The grief suddenly mixed with physical pain. It spread like lava from her chest through the rest of her body. It felt like Lestrange was torturing her again. Pansy screamed in agony. She did not want to feel this kind of pain ever again. Pansy barley registered, how Hermione shouted commands at Luna, how Hermione casted a spell over her, how Hermione carried her to the hospital wing.