There had to be at least one conversation like this right? It wouldn't be one of my fics if there wasn't at least one.
Warnings: Honestly, I can't think of anything that needs to be warned. Wow
TUMBLR INFO: I've had to change my Tumblr account because I got muted. I'm not all that surprised to be fair. Anyway, the name is now SILVERMIDNIGHTWRITE.
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Opening a new file Callen tried his hardest to focus on the words, but he couldn't understand any of the words. The only thing that his mind was thinking about was Deeks words. Over and over they played in his head like a broken record. They echoed so loudly that it was as if they had been shouted at him instead of signed.
Callen knew that he had been thinking similar thoughts as of late, but the fact the Deeks thought them as well was just wrong. When they had gotten married he had promised himself that he would do everything in his power to make his husband never doubt him.
He had spent so much of his time growing up meeting new people and wondering if he was supposed to trust them or not. Hell, for longer than he liked to admit he wondered if he could even trust himself. It had not been a fun time for anyone involved.
That was not the type of life that he had wanted for them. Everything in him had wanted to make their home be a safe place for the both of them. A place where they didn't have to question or hide away. Somewhere along the way that had fallen to pieces.
The worst part about it all though was that he didn't have an argument. As much as it pained him to admit it Deeks was right. There was something wrong with them. He just had no idea what it was that had changed.
He still loved the younger man with all of his heart and even with their problems he didn't doubt that Deeks loved him as well. That was the one thing that he knew they were both sure of. They loved each other just as much as they did when they first got together.
The problem was the fact that he had no idea how to pin-point where their problems were. All he knew was that they were there and if they didn't start trying to fix them soon than there was a chance they weren't going to make it out together.
When he was a child he used to dream about the family he once had. A mother and father, a sibling or two, possibly even a dog. He dreamed of the love that they'd share and how much peace and happiness that brought him.
He never thought that he'd have something like that at all. Yet he did. He had a husband, two kids, and a dog. Every single day he was surrounded by love and… He was watched as it fell apart and he had no idea how to fix it. Why wasn't love enough?
There was a part of him that wanted nothing more than to run from it all and hide. It wasn't as if him being there was actually helping. Everything seemed exactly the same it did before he retired. He might as well have stayed an agent and done something worth while.
As soon as he thought that he wanted to smack himself. He had decided to retire because he wanted to actually be a part of his family. He wanted to stop watching from the sidelines like an old family friend and truly be there.
He hadn't retired for Deeks. He did it for Isabelle and Wesley. Their kids were the most important things in their lives. The two of them meant more to them than either man would ever be able to explain.
He would never be able to explain how much it hurt him to walk into his own home and feel like a stranger. The fact that he had been able to look at his children and know nothing about who they were was heartbreaking to him.
Maybe that was the problem or at least part of it. When was the last time he and Deeks had done something together? Even something as small as lunch was always overrun by at least one of the kids. If they ever got the time.
He could still clearly hear Sam warning him not to let them fall to the wayside. They didn't need to be the center of attention, but they did need attention. Instead the two of them had faded away into nothingness.
Callen felt so stupid. He had known that there was a good chance that he and Deeks could fall apart if they ignored their relationship, hell they talked about it more than once, but that's what happened. They always ignored that problem of theirs.
None of this was new to them. Since the very beginning they had issues leaving their responsibilities alone for one second to take care of themselves. Everyone else always came first. Up until the point they were drowning themselves. That happened even before they got together.
He and Deeks were a pretty evenly matched pair in that regard. Why did he always forget that when the cards hit the table? All he did lately was forget. He was supposed to be good at this. He was supposed to be good at being a husband and father. Yet there he was.
What was he doing for the family now? Sitting around taking care of their kids that could practically take care of themselves? What good was that for him or them? Sometimes he truly hated how little he seemed to be needed anymore.
For the longest time he had been sure of himself. He was G Callen and he had to remember that growing up. It was so easy to get lost in the person people told him to be with his upbringing. He had to know who he was and be unshakable with that knowledge.
All of that seemed to slowly fade away around him as he grew up. He knew that he was still himself, but at times it felt like it was just a name. He had to be more than just a name. Right? He was an adult now. He had to be more.
"This is torture," Kensi suddenly spoke up dropping her file to her desk loudly, "How are there so many files on a guy that we have nothing on?"
"Welcome to government work," Callen muttered running a hand over his face.
"All papers, no words."
Looking over at the woman he watched as the smirk fell from her lips and replaced it with a concerned look. He quickly looked away realizing that he hadn't even thought to hide his emotions from her.
That wasn't like him at all. As much as he trusted the team he knew better than to do something like that. Once upon a time he was the person that they looked towards to have a plan. He couldn't let his emotions compromise him.
He wasn't that person anymore though. Yes, he knew about the work that they did and he still had contacts in different places, but he wasn't the leader by any means. They didn't need him to be that person.
Still, the idea of having to drop that face around them was terrifying to Callen. He wasn't even sure that he did that around his family all that much. He might be a little more open with them, but it wasn't anywhere near where they needed him to be.
That should have been a light bulb moment for him. It was something else that he had to change about his thought process to make life with his family better. He already knew that he did that though. He simply didn't know how to fix it.
"Callen?" Kensi asked her chair squeaking as she turned to him her arms crossing over her chest, "What's going on?"
"Nothing," he shook his head, "Have you found anything?"
"No. You?"
"Nothing."
They fell quiet a moment later, but he could feel her eyes on him. He couldn't help but glance over at her only to catch the look of disappointment on her face. Sighing he turned fully to her waiting for her to say what she was thinking.
"Something's going on," she finally said.
"I know," Callen offered with a fake calm.
"With Deeks."
"Kensi..."
"He's my best friend, Callen. You can't tell me that everything is fine."
"He- He said something?"
"No, but I can see that something's changed."
Letting his eyes drop down to the file on his desk he took a shaky breath. He didn't know why that hurt as much as it did. The fact people outside of their relationship could see that there was something wrong was not good. What if that meant they couldn't fix it?
"Callen?" Kensi questioned softly, "What is going on?"
"I have no idea," Callen shook his head, "I just… have no idea."
Falling silent once more he picking up the file trying his best to read words that seemed to blur together. A voice yelled at him to forget about Deeks for the moment. All their problems were going to be there tomorrow. Could they say the same for Nell?
"He loves you," Kensi offered softly.
"I love him too," Callen replied running a hand over his head, "Is that really enough?"
"Is that… No! Of course love isn't enough on its own! It evens the playing field though. It gives you both a path to go down. Love alone is pretty words that mean nothing. Words are easy. Love, true love, isn't."
Blinking a few times he looked over at Kensi. It had been a long time since he had heard her talk so openly like that. She looked so sure of herself that he couldn't help but smile slightly. Even telling him off she seemed to have more poise than him.
"Love isn't lazy," she continued staring into his eyes, "And it's not infallible. If you don't watch and pay attention like you would with anything else than… Than it's your own fault when it's gone."
Letting her words sink in he couldn't help looking away once more. It was easy to see that she was talking from experience and it felt like he wasn't supposed to see the pain and heartbreak on her face. Those emotions belonged to her and her alone.
"Sorry," she whispered slumping into her chair.
"Don't be," Callen sighed running his fingers over the page, "You're right."
"You'd be surprised how many times I wanted to tell you and Deeks that."
"Why didn't you?"
"Every time I'd stat we'd get called on a case and it wasn't right. I thought that things would get better after you retired."
"So did I, but… I didn't retire for Deeks. I haven't thought of doing something just for Deeks in a long time. It's always been work and the kids. Same probably for him as well."
"Yeah. Tell you what. After this is done and we have them both he and Nell back why don't I take the kids for a weekend? You two can figure out what you're going to do."
"Thank you. That sounds… Wait a minute."
"What?"
His mind had been darting around so quickly before that he hadn't been able to really read any of the words, but something suddenly struck him. Quickly pulling paper after paper from the files he laid them over his desk trying to find what he was looking for. There was so many investigations open on Graham. Too many. Each more empty than the last. Too empty.
"Yes," he exclaimed motioning to the papers, "Look at this"
"What?" Kensi asked leaning over.
"Look at the names of the person who signed them."
"Jack Stark. Maggie Caine. Misha Sanders. Thomas Collins. None of them are the same."
"Exactly. Graham is a big fish. He could make or break someones career. Are you telling me not one of these people took a weekend to follow up once they had intel on him?"
"Deeks was right. All these reports are fake. But why? And how did he know about you and Sam? About Nell?"
"I don't know, but it might be time to bring him in and find out."