Chapter Ten: Confrontation
He couldn't believe how perfect she looked, almost too perfect, as if today she had gone to special pains be flawless. Maybe it was easier for her to pretend everything was normal if her dark grey dress made her hair look redder and fit just tight enough to remind the world that she had an amazing body. Maybe she needed the black heels to convince herself that it was just another day, that everything was fine. Everything wasn't fine.
"Addison we need to talk."
She didn't glance up from her chart.
"We're not talking about it."
"We need to talk."
"I said we're not talking about it."
He wasn't letting her get away that easily. He wasn't going to let her avoid him again and he probably wouldn't get a better opportunity to have this conversation. They were alone in the N.I.C.U.
He decided on a different approach. There was no way he was going to win an argument with Addison.
"Fine. Hypothetically speaking... My friend's crazy about this woman. He can't stop thinking about her. But its complicated and he's said some really stupid things and sent some mixed messages and she's sent some mixed messages too. Then when he finally decides to just tell her how he feels I guess she gets freaked out or something because she says some things-"
"Alex, I'm sorry."
He wasn't finished yet. He had a point to get across.
"She says some really hurtful things. And that's not like her. As much as she wants everyone to believe that she's heartless and... invincible... she's not and the things she said-"
"Alex, I said I'm sorry." He realized she was struggling to keep her voice under control and wished she could just let go for a minute. "I said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?"
She was trying so hard to be composed about it.
He could tell he was about to loose his temper.
"I want you to stop saying you're sorry! I get that you're sorry, Addison! You're always sorry!" he hissed. She suddenly looked like she was about to cry. He softened his voice. "I just want to know why you said those things."
"I panicked." She wasn't meeting his eyes anymore and her voice seemed very small. "I... I don't like loosing control like that. It's... I get mean when I'm freaked out. It's like my defense mechanism or something. I don't know... This is... We can't be having this conversation." She was avoiding again and it was driving him crazy. He fought to keep his voice even but only ended up sounding strangled.
"Why? Why can't we have this conversation? Can you just be honest, Addison?"
"You want me to be honest? You want to know what I honestly think about this?"
"Yes!"
"I think you're friend should find some other woman to be crazy about. She's obviously not interested."
This was going nowhere. She was shutting him down at every turn. Did she expect him to just give up? Was he supposed to just walk away and let her keep her precious composure when there was so much left to say? Well, he wasn't about to do that. He was going to get to the bottom of this, one way or another and if it meant she got angry or if he made her cry, so be it. Anything was better than this icy, detachment.
"You're not interested? Or you're interested, you're just too scared to do anything about it?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"What did you say?"
"I said you're interested you're just too scared to do anything about it."
"Alex, you don't even know me."
He'd expected her to get angry at the suggestion that she, Doctor Addison Montgomery, might actually be scared. Instead tears welled in her eyes and he immediately realized that he didn't actually want her to cry. He wanted to make her happy.
"Maybe I don't know you," he said gently. "But I've told you things I haven't told anyone else at this hospital because I want you to know me. And I want to know you."
"You don't want to know me."
"Yes, I do. Look, everyone's heard about the history with Shepard and Sloan. I can handle it." He wished it sounded more like a promise to be there for her and less like something a little kid would say.
"What are you talking about?" she whispered.
"I'm just saying, you deserve better than that. You deserve better, Addison."
"I cheated on my husband Alex. I aborted Mark's baby without even consulting him. I'm supposed to save babies lives. At the very least I'm supposed to know how to keep from getting knocked up. I'm not the perfect person you seem to think I am. I'm not a victim here."
"So you think you deserved to be cheated on?"
She sighed. "Why are you doing this Alex? Was I too nice about it yesterday? Have I not made myself perfectly clear?"
"No! You haven't made yourself clear. It's been nothing but mixed messages from the start, Addison!" Again he was loosing his temper.
She was clenching her jaw, digging her fingernails into her palms.
"O.k. Well now I'm making myself clear. This has to stop. Whatever this is, I'm just going to wait for it to go away."
"What if it doesn't go away?" He couldn't see himself getting past her any time soon.
"It will go away. I got over Derek and Mark. I can get over you. It can't be harder than this. I can't do this, Alex."
He was stunned for a moment. She wanted to get over him? But if she had feelings for him then...
"Why? Why is this so hard for you?" He expected something along the lines of, "I'm still in love with Derek." He did not expect,
"Because, Alex, you're my intern!"
The first thing he could think to say was, "You know that's a really pathetic excuse."
"Not to me!" Now she was angry. "Maybe it doesn't matter to Derek or Preston or Callie but it matters to me."
"Why?"
"Because, you're my intern! And as of now, you are permanently off my service!"
If she could yell then he could yell too.
"Just in case you were wondering, you're not exactly coming off as mature or professional or whatever right now!"
"Well neither are you, Alex! Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?" A tear ran down her face, despite the fact that she was glaring furiously at him. "Have you even stopped for a minute to think about what you're asking me to do? My life is complicated! Christ, Alex, I don't even know why I'm still in Seattle!
I make stupid sexual decisions. I do not... I do not make stupid professional decisions. I should have kicked you off my service after the nursery. Do you realize that? I should have kicked you off my service but I didn't and things got complicated. And yes, Alex, that scares me. That scares the hell out of me because no matter what goes on in my life, at work, I have everything under control. Everything is simple. You're asking me to give that up. My job, is the only part of my life that isn't complicated and I need it to stay that way, Alex."
He realized where she was heading and tried to throw out something to stop her.
"It doesn't have to be complicated. We could make it really simple."
"Alex, it's already complicated. Look at the mess we made just by sleeping together. Can you imagine what a relationship would be like?"
"Yeah. It would probably be really great." He said this without a hint of sarcasm, because if he was going to go down he didn't really care how ridiculous he sounded, and maybe it would make her feel guilty.
"Alex, please. Can you please just let this go? I can't do it. I'm sorry. I am so, so, sorry because you're a wonderful, amazing person and you don't deserve this, but I can't. I just can't. Please."
It was the pain in her voice as she said the last word that made him realize that maybe this hurt her as much as it hurt him. Maybe she was right and they should just cut their losses before they got hurt even worse. Maybe he was being selfish, because if he really thought about it, she stood to get hurt much worse than he did. For her, one more tragedy might be too much to handle and if Addison Montgomery would actually beg for something then chances were she really needed it.
"O.k. O.k. I'm sorry. I'll let it go. I'll... So we'll just... pretend it didn't happen?"
She nodded.
"O.k."
A couple notes:
a) Zut Alors! Est-ce-que c'est le fin pour Addison et Alex? Vous doivent attendre pour une semaine pour apprendre parce que je vais etre en vacances en Montreal avec pas de internet. Je suis tres excitant et donc je parle francais.
b) Please excuse my shitty french. Roughly translated it reads: Aw shit man. Is this the end for Addison and Alex? You will have to wait one week to find out because I am going to be in Montreal on vacation with no internet. I am very excited and therefore speaking french.
c) So yay for me, because I will be having one hell of a good time in a province where I am legal drinking age! Unfortunately this means no updates for at least a week. On the bright side I will have lots of time to write so when I get back there will probably be an expolsion on postings.
d) As for the next time part, well I'm not really sure exactly what will be in the next chapter but there is some Maddison friendship coming up and some interaction between Addison and Derek. This fic is far from over.
e) In the mean time I want you all to read Falling Apart and tell me what you think. I have only had three reviews so far which stinks because in my humble opinion it is just as good if not better than Draw the Line.
f) Finally and most importantly, living in Canada I do not understand the crazy system the Yanks use for measuring temperature. If any one from America is reading this could you please push the big shiny button below and provide me with a breif description of how the system works or just tell me how many of your kooky degrees equals a really hot day. I need this information for a new fic I am planning and it is important for me to get details right. I realized that I used Canadian dollars in one of my other fics, thus making Fortys seem really expensive when the whole point of them is that they are cheap, cheap, cheap. (Slightly less cheap here in Ontarion, damn Liquor Control Board!) Anyways, I felt like a bit of a fool, so help me out and I wont have to feel that way ever again.
Cheers.