Authors Notes: Did you know it is impossible for an elephant to jump?
Authors Notes: For some reason I can't make a seperation in my document, thus im using dashes instead.
Life Goes On
'Oh man, my head…' Shinji groaned, rubbing his head as he leaned forward. His world was still spinning as he looked around. His throat dry and his head light, he looked at the light that penetrated the cracks in the window blinds, lost in time, too lazy to move. Too tired to sit up, he remained stationary on the bed. Turning his head he looked at the small particles of dust that swirled around lazily the morning light.
It was cold. Looking around, he noticed that the air conditioner was on full blast, and the thin blanket that he had was not enough to keep out the cold. Finally deciding that it was time to get up, Shinji rolled over to the left so he could push himself up with both of his hands. However, he did not know that Rei slept on the other side of the bed and when he rolled over, he rolled right into her.
"ACK!" Still slightly out of it, Shinji was unable to stop himself as he tumbled towards Rei. Instinctively, like the real man that he was, he closed his eyes. When he finally opened it again, he realized that he was in a very awkward situation. The first thing that he noticed was that his face was very close to Rei's. In fact, it was so close that if he wanted to, he could have counted each and every one of her eyelashes, not that he was going to, considering his right arm was draped over Rei's shoulder and he had his pelvis pressing into her.
Suddenly realizing what a horrible situation that he was in, he instantly used a survival tactic that he had recently watched on Animal Planet; he played dead. However, not surprisingly enough, playing dead doesn't exactly work when you're bright red and have a heart beat that could be heard clear across the room. Rei woke up. Her eyes fluttering open, she stared lazily into Shinji's wide eyes.
"A-Ayanami…I–"
"…I'm cold, Shinji-kun."
Ignoring Shinjis nervous stuttering, Rei snuggled up closer to him for warmth, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around him.
Although stunned at first, Shinji relaxed as he felt the warmth from Reis body. Looking into her eyes, he noticed that she was already asleep again. No longer feeling cold, Shinji too, closed his eyes and went to sleep.
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"When are we going to wake them up?" The fiery redhead finally yelled, throwing the news paper onto the floor in frustration.
Picking up the newspaper, Touji sighed, "I'm telling' ya, Shinji is probably still sleeping." Leaning back onto his chair he read the headlines: 'Eunuch vas defrens cannibals strike again!' Unaware to what a vas defrens is, Touji quickly changed pages to look at the comics.
"I never said I was done with that!" Asuka snapped, quickly taking the newspaper back from Touji.
Sighing, Touji merely shook his head. Standing up, he decided to get more food. As Touji left, Hikari quickly sat next to Asuka, who had taken a seat and was reading the newspaper angrily.
"Asuka," Hikari said, touching her on the shoulder to calm her down, "The reason Touji won't let you into Rei and Shinji's room is because they probably really are still sleeping." Giving Asuka a smile Hikari patted her on the back. "And I'm sure that Shinji won't do anything perverted to Rei."
Giving a loud grunt, Asuka went back to reading the newspaper.
"So you think Shinji and Rei did it?" Kensuke asked Touji cheerfully as he walked toward the table.
"I'm sure they did." Touji exclaimed, solemn as he placed scrambled eggs on the checkered table. "Drunk and on the same bed as his girlfriend, I'd be surprised if they didn't do it." Sitting down, Touji picked up a fork and took a bite of his scrambled eggs. "You know," Touji said between mouthfuls, "I'm just surprised that Shinji actually lost it before me." Placing down his fork, Touji turned to face Kensuke. "Y'know, I still can't believe that Shin—". Touji was cut short by a low growl that shook the room. Looking down as his plate, which was shaking and spilling scrambled eggs everywhere, Touji looked at the source of the commotion, and what he saw was a very, very angry redhead.
"Uh-oh…" Hikari whispered, quickly getting up and inching away from Asuka, who was gripping the side of the table so hard that it started to crack.
"How does a game of monopoly sound right now?" Kensuke asked Touji casually, looking at Asuka whose nails were digging into the table, causing splinters to burst out, striking the wall nearby and lodging themselves permanently in it. Touji lost his appetite.
"Sounds good." Touji said, quickly walking out of the room—with Kensuke following behind him.
What happened next was a series of unfortunate events to the owner of the hotel. Although the culprit was never caught, the repairs never paid for, the owner of the hotel did make money later on in life when he transformed his hotel into a tourist attraction—as the only hotel in the world that had the dining room leveled using only orange juice and dirty scrambled eggs. However, he was later arrested in life for tax evasion and impersonating Tom Jones.
Gasping for breath, Hikari let go of Asukas arm. Having pulled Asuka out of the dining room, Hikari was very tired. Sitting down on a nearby bench, she took out a napkin and wiped the sweat that flowed down her face.
Looking very unhappy, Asuka sat down next to Hikari. "I don't want to talk about it." Asuka grumbled.
Sighing, Hikari pulled out another napkin and wiped Asukas drenched face. "I'm sure nothing happened." Hikari said in an attempt to cheer up Asuka.
"Bah, it wasn't about that," Asuka said, straightening herself, "It's just that I noticed that Germany lost to Italy in the World Cup. Honestly, after that horrible game in 2006 where they lost by two goals in the last two minutes of the game you'd think that they'd learn to play properly." Raising her hands in expiration, she leaned back into the bench. "I guess we'll have to wait until the next World Cup."
Not believing a word that Asuka said, Hikari smiled and agreed with Asuka, commenting that the next World Cup would be hard for Germany, considering Ghanas surprising dominance in the past tournaments.
Shrugging, Asuka didn't reply to Hikari, but simply stared at a group of people who were feeding pigeons.
Deciding to take Asukas mind off things, Hikari switched the topic of conversation. "Asuka," Hikari looked down at the floor, "do you think that Touji and I…"
"Huh?" Asuka snapped to attention as soon as Hikari trailed off, "what about the dumbkoff and you?"
"Well… ah…" Hikari hesitated.
"Spit it!"
"Well, what I'm trying to say is…"
"Well?" Asuka demanded impatiently.
"Since there is a festival tonight…"
"Hurry up!"
"Can you please help me find something nice to wear?" Hikari pleaded, blushing.
"You actually want to look nice for that idiot?" Asuka snarled.
Blushing, Hikari looked down onto the floor and didn't respond.
"I guess it can't be helped." Sighing, Asuka sat up suddenly and spun around to face Hikari. "Fine, lets find you something nice to wear for the dumbass."
Glad to have taken Asukas mind off her problems, Hikari smiled and followed Asuka
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"No, I'm tellin' ya, if ya pass go when you're low on cash AND have 2 hotels ya can borrow money from the bank." Touji insisted as he picked up some money from the "bank".
"That's what you said when you passed go last time, but you had one hotel." Kensuke said, frowning. Kensuke had every property on the board, except for two train tracks, which—according to Touji—could house two hotels. Touji, on the other had, had two train tracks with a hotel on each one of them—and Touji was winning. "I still think that train tracks can't hold hotels." Kensuke read the rules in the small booklet, "It says that if you own multiple train tracks the rest increases, but nothing about hotels on the train tracks."
"Listen to logic, Kensuke!" Touji sighed, "If there are passengers coming out at the train station, it's only natural that these passengers are going to look for the closest available hotels so they can rest."
Rolling his eyes, Kensuke put down the boot and rolled his dice—he knew that arguing with Touji was pointless, because eventually, if he didn't get his way, he would stop playing. But before Kensuke was able to roll his dice he was disrupted by a large crashing sound behind him. Dropping the dice, he turned to see Asuka standing at the doorway. Looking down, he saw that Asuka was standing on top of the smoldering remains of the door.
"Errrr…." Kensuke said dumbly.
Ignoring Kensuke's babble, Asuka marched toward the pair, kicking the monopoly game out of the way.
"HEY!" Touji bolted up, but was soon humbled by the blood thirsty look that Asuka gave him.
"It's time to wake up the pair." Asuka stated coldly.
"But—" Touji started to protest but was instantly smacked on the side of the head by Kensuke. "What was that for?" Touji roared, looking at Kensuke furiously as he rubbed his sore head. Instead of responding, Kensuke nervously pointed at Asuka. Turning around to see what Kensuke was pointing at, what Touji witnessed terrified him. Asuka looked normal, in fact she looked rather calm, but in her eyes, Touji saw something terrifying. Although he couldn't exactly describe what he saw in her eyes, the best connection that he was able to make was death, anger, plague and old people fart.
"It's time to wake up the pair." Asuka repeated, smiling.
"Y-Yes ma'am!" Touji and Kensuke both said in unison, clicking their heels together, which actually was quite a feat considering they were both wearing sneakers.
Turning around Asuka calmly walked out the door with the pair following her. Stopping suddenly as they reached the hallway Asuka stood very still.
"There are no objections, I hope?" She asked cheerfully.
"N-no ma'am!" Touji and Kensuke answered instantly, standing straight, pulling their shoulders back and sucking in their gut.
"Good." And with that Asuka marched to Shinji and Reis room with Touji and Kensuke following obediently behind.
Upon reaching the door Asuka stood silently in front of it, hands on her hips. Puzzled, Kensuke and Touji exchanged nervous glances at each other.
Then suddenly, to the horror to Touji and Kensuke, Asuka lifted her leg—and with a loud crash—kicked down the door of the room.
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Shinji silently lay next to Rei, calm and content. He looked at her soft and delicate features and she lay facing him less than a few inches away. Noticing that Rei was still slighting shivering, Shinji reached down and pulled the blanket to cover both him and Rei—almost instantly she stopped shivering and relaxed. Smiling to himself, Shinji inched his head until his forehead was almost touching Reis. Feeling the warmth radiate from Reis body, Shinji felt himself slowly drifting back to sleep. Thinking back, Shinji was unable to remember the last time he was so happy, so content with life. Reaching out he brushed a bit of hair back from Reis head so he could see her face clearly. She smells nice, Shinji thought to himself as he slowly closed his eyes.
For the first time is his short yet brutal life, Shinji was finally at Peace.
At least until he heard a loud crashing noise that sounded oddly like the door of his hotel room being broken down by an angry redhead. Sitting up, he saw a cold looking Asuka staring at him. Looking at her eyes, he noticed that she glanced at Rei, who had also wakened up and was staring at Asuka. Looking behind Asuka he noticed Touji and Kensuke looking at him happily, giving him thumbs up for some reason.
Finally realizing what an awkward position he was in—still entangled onto Rei, he quickly stood up to explain the situation. Asuka, however, wasn't listening.
"Y-you and w-wonder girl actually… actually" suddenly at a loss for words at the scene in front of her, Asuka raised a shaking finger toward the pair. "You a-actually… you actually…"
"Congratulations on becoming a MAN Shinji!" Touji bellowed in a deep, dramatic voice. Running past Asuka, he dropped to his knees and slid to a stop in front of Shinji. "Behold!" Touji grabbed Shinjis hand and stood up, lifting Shinjis hand in the air "The once child Shinji, is now a MAN!" Out of no where, Kensuke whipped out his camera. Running past Asuka he started taking pictures.
"Sensational! Amazing!" Kensuke said as he took the pictures. "Incredible, my good man, shake me by the hand!" lunging forward, he grabbed Shinjis hand and shook it forcefully. "To think that you'd be the first one to reach manhood…" Kensuke sobbed, tears running down his face "It's unthinkable." Taking out a napkin, he blew his nose and accidentally threw the used napkin onto Asukas new shoes. Realizing what he had just done, Kensuke slowly turned around to face the redhead. However, Asuka was not looking at Kensuke, nor was she looking at Touji; she was staring at Shinji. And then suddenly, the gates of hell broke loose, and the savage demon that was kept within broke free.
"Shinji! YOU PERVERT!" Asuka shrieked. Running past Kensuke, Asuka lunged forward to grab Shinji but was instantly stopped by Touji.
"Aww come on, we were just kiddi—" Touji explained but stopped suddenly when Asuka landed a ferocious punch to Toujis left jaw. Seeing stars explode in front of him, he slumped backwards only to be caught by a worried Shinji.
"Touji!" Shinji yelled, but it was pointless, because in Toujis mind he was at a beach in Hawaii with a group of extremely attractive women.
"You!" Asuka snarled, pointing at a terrified Shinji, who dropped Touji. Ignoring the dull thud of Toujis limp body hitting the floor, Asuka stepped over him to get to Shinji. Grabbing his collar she yanked him away from Rei, however, in the process Asukas leg hit the side of a trash can, causing Asuka to fall onto the floor.
The trash can tipped over, spilling its contents onto the floor. Except for one item. As if fighting the mighty pull of gravity it flew forward, flying out of the trashcan. Spinning marvelously in the air, it did a triple summersault followed by a quadruple spinning side twirl before landing graciously on Asukas nose. And as if it was taking a little bow, it bent over and stuck its head—to Asukas horror—into her gaping mouth. On the other side of the world, judges for a gymnastic competition simultaneously sneezed, after giving the contestant a perfect score.
The world froze. Nobody moved. The wind stopped blowing, the birds stopped chirping, the chatter from the tourists, the sound of waves crashing onto the shore was instantaneously silenced. For a full minute Asuka stood there, motionless with the head of the condom in her mouth and everybody was silent, too afraid to make a noise. Then slowly Asuka lifted her trembling hand and slowly picked the condom out of her mouth. Eyes wide, she stared at the condom—which was chocolate flavored—and turned her head to look at Shinji who was looking at the condom in confusion.
"Chocolate?" Asuka mumbled, pressing her fingers against her lips.
And then, the dam burst.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Touji had awoken from his dream just in time to see the event and was laughing hysterically, much to the horror of Kensuke and Shinji. "Not only did Shinji bone Ayanami, but he managed to get Asuka to eat his chocolate elixir of love!" laughing so hard, Touji lost his balance and fell to the ground, clutching his stomach painfully as he fought for each gasp for air.
Kensuke tried to cover Toujis mouth but it was too late, the damage had been done. Fuming, Asuka shrieked and threw the condom onto the floor. However, in her fury Asuka didn't notice that she had thrown the condom directly in front of her war path to Shinji. Stepping on the condom, it squished underneath her foot in chocolaty wonderfulness and caused her to slip. Falling backwards Asukas legs swung upward and she slammed against the floor.
Everyone was silent. Even Rei, but then again Rei is always silent, so it doesn't really count.
"Damn, shes out cold." Touji muttered, after the initial shock passed. Reaching down, he patted Asukas cheek lightly to make sure that she was asleep. When he was convinced that Asuka was truly knocked out, he looked at Shinji. "Now what?" Touji asked him.
"W-what are you asking me for?" Shinji cried, "You're the one who edged her on!" Shinji pointed an accusing finger at Touji.
"Well, if you and Ayanami hadn't gotten it on," Touji shrugged his shoulders "then the demon wouldn't have any reason to get mad in the first place."
"Nothing happened!" Shinji shouted, face red.
"Then how come you and Ayanami were together in bed all cuddly, cuddly?"
"W-well, that's because…"
"Yea, they did it." Kensuke interrupted.
"No we didn't!"
"Anyways," Touji started, looking at his watch "lets just leave the demon in this room, the market is about to open and I heard that they sell really cool stuff there."
"But we can't just leave her here!" protested Shinji.
"You want to be here when she wakes up?" Touji asked, looking at Shinji.
"Err…"
"Come on; help me lift her onto the bed." Grabbing Asukas arms, Shinji grabbed her legs and placed her on the bed.
"There, now lets get tha hell outta here before she wakes up."
Agreeing, Shinji, Touji, Rei and Kensuke quickly walked out the room.
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Creative Criticism is much appreciated.
Thanks to Kyadytim, my Pre Reader.