Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.

Disclaimer 2: Death belong to either God or Terry Pratchett.

The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit (10)

Sypnosis: In which Death made a visit, and not everyone found the ending satisfactory...

Raphael's quest log (10)

Some would suppose that I, with this frightful Rubix cube solved, would finally be able to lean back and pop my feet on a table until Tobias had successfully smashed the wedding glass. Unfortunately this was no time to start partying yet, as death still hung around the house and all was clearly not well.

To clarify my last point, I wasn't speaking figuratively at all, as anyone with some supernatural insight could see the fellow trotting around the place with work on his mind. When I said death, I meant quite distinctly the skeletal chap draped in a winding sheet. He was an anthropomorphic personification, something given shape by the imagination of men whose sole goal was to be present at deaths. It was impossible (even for an archangel) to just shoo him away, of course, as he was basically more of a phenomenon than a person. That was most regrettable, since his current objective clashed with mine.

His empty eye sockets were now focused on the servants, laying out the dinner plates. I managed to jostle past them to reach the specter.

"What do you think you are doing here, Death? Have you made a mistake?"

THIS HOUSEHOLD SEEMS TO BE REQUIRING A LOT OF MY SERVICES LATELY, RAPHAEL. Said Death in tones that sunk with a thud, like nails driven into a coffin lid.

"Well, they won't be requiring any more. Sarah, I am happy to say, has found herself a less volatile husband---"

NEVERTHELESS, I SHALL STAND-BY. Said Death, unmoved. YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

As you can see, this didn't bode well at all. Reasoning with Death was like blaming the ground while you were falling--- it wouldn't do anything to stop gravity. So, I attempted to oil some information out of him instead:

"So," I said affably. "Whom have you come for?"

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Said Death dutifully.

"Ah, you're wrong on that point," I said with barely concealed anger. "I'd be quite surprise to see anyone die. You see, Asmodeus has flashed Tobias the green light; Satan has been fried to a wisp of spirit--- wait a moment, can it be that he sent some underling to take his revenge?"

I SHALL NOT TELL. Maintained Death. A closed oyster couldn't be tighter. He would have turned to leave if I hadn't snatched his lapel (or part of his shroud, anyway) suddenly and, staring into his pitch-black sockets, began to read his mind. I had never tried doing this to a supernatural being before--- their thought processes were usually a little on the insanely fanciful side. But Death, on the other hand, had abysmal intellect, negligible imagination and, in other words, not much on his mind apart from deathly matters. His eyes simply sucked in my mind like a bottomless well and it was with a great effort that I pulled out. There was nothing in there but a fleeting image of something like a snake, although calling it a snake would be quite derogatory to the species: it was a basilisk, the serpent accursed by God, a legendary monster whose very gaze could strike a man dead.

"The Prince of Darkness?" I recoiled. 'But why on earth should he come back for Sarah... again? He ought to send his underlings at the very least. According to Michael's knowledge, he was powerless vapor--- unless… " I choked at the memory. "… Unless he adopts some dangerous physical form…"

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? Said Death with an offended air. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME.

I didn't quite catch his comment, though, as something connected in my mind. Possibly Asmodeus's explanation was not too convincing. It was natural that Satan, newly regenerated after Michael's assault, would punish him by killing Sarah. And, since demons rarely fought among themselves, it was imperative that if any major suffering had to be dished out, the boss had to do it.

This presented a new difficulty, though. Although a basilisk was a mere animal that could be easily fried to a crisp with a bolt of lightening, we angels were forbidden to abuse our divine powers on the creature. This was actually quite embarrassing, as a lot of us did something of the sort in our youthful days (when The Adversary was stuck in that shape), such that The Lord got displeased and told us to leave him alone.

Fortunately, there were still ways to get around this. One of them was to hire a hero at Archangel Michael's agency. In days of yore, there were heroes who would slay a basilisk for quite a modest sum of money. However, the idea didn't appeal to me much at that time because I already owed Michael quite a lot, and the sight of me approaching the office door would probably send him bolting like an electrified cheetah.

But, leaving my divine powers aside, it is still possible for me to dispose of the Accursed Serpent legitimately--- namely by doing the job most heroes did (which consisted of swinging some sort of weapon physically) myself. The snag was, I couldn't let Satan know that I did him in, as he would be saying some pretty nasty things about me to God ASAP, an agonizing situation I would much prefer not to arise. Apart from that, this seemed to be a sound plan--- if heroes could do it, there's no reason why an archangel would fail… was there?

So, getting myself a perfectly ordinary crossbow, I arranged matters with Tobias to provide a suitable fighting space.

"Tobias, have I ever told you that I know how to exorcise demons? I would be happy to perform the task tonight."

"What do you mean? That Asmodeus isn't going to bother us again! Everyone as far as rumor could reach knows that I love Sarah."

"How can you count on a demon's word, Tobias?" I rebuked. "It's a well know fact that they are up to no good. In case you don't know, all the servants are betting on whether you would outlive the last seven, and the price on your prevailing is about twenty to one."

"Is that good or bad?" Said Tobias uneasily.

"Relax!" I said. "As I happen to be the only one who put my money on you, I ought to make sure you spend the night safe and sound in order to reap my winnings, oughtn't I?"

"Ah, thank you for your faith, Azarias," Said Tobias weakly. "So how do you propose to exorcise this demon?"

"Let me see--- do you happen to have some blood of a cockerel? Or a lamb, for that matter?"

"I'm afraid not. However, I'm sure I can ask Raguel to sacrifice one of his for the cause."

"Oh, I wouldn't bother the poor man anymore." I said hastily. "By the way, do you still have those entrails from the fish you caught, or have you fed them to your dog?"

"I think I've forgotten to give them to Toby." Said Tobias, retrieving the packet from the depths of his cloak. "What do you propose to do with them?"

"I'm going to burn them on a lamp inside Sarah's bed." I explained. "It--- um, can drive away demons."

"And me as well! The bed will smell like fish!"

"Right you are!" I said. "You don't want to sleep on a bed that smells like the inside of a whale, so I propose you two sleep in my room tonight and wait for the good news."

"Is that all? Can we do anything to help?"

"Probably," I said, rather practically. "Stay awake and jump out of the window if you smell anything burning, and don't look back for the love of life."

"Oh my God! Can it be as bad as that? Anything else we can do?"

"Praying would help, of course. Keep the volume low, though."

Raphael's quest log--- The Showdown

Actually what I told Tobias about the fish entrails wasn't quite germane to the issue: while demons might indeed be driven away by the powerful odor, it simply beckoned to a hungry basilisk like salmon mousse. Although some time before I had doubted its potency compared to a pint of boiling cockerel blood, it had my complete faith now. Shortly after I had placed it on the lamp inside Sarah's bed and let down the veil to conceal it, its smell suffused the air so overpoweringly that I was beginning to think turning out my lungs for a rinse would be a good idea.

Although I didn't keep a good track of time, sometime around the point when I thought it would be necessarily to turn out my stomach (as well) marked the exact passage of five days since Satan last got banished. As I had expected, the serpent was punctual in returning, and made a beeline for Sarah's room, as I had hoped. From the place where I was hiding, which was behind a curtain, he looked like a bright green boa that had recently swallowed a mast, with an inner evil so intense that left scorch marks on Raguel's priceless carpets behind him. His eyes, glittering with Hellfire, had ended the career of many a hero, but since we were not looking at each other at the same time, I was safe from those death-rays.

Well, enough for field identification. I raised my X-bow, aimed carefully at the slender neck, and was bracing myself for the knockback effect when something hurtled in, barking madly. It turned out to be Tobias's dog, here to claim supremacy over its food, I assumed. There was no match there--- the basilisk merely turned its head a fraction, and next instant the dog was an immobile cooling corpse.

Suppressing a shudder, I readied my crossbow again and took sight again as the serpent sailed towards Sarah's bed, tail flicking contemptuously. Once again, his advance was intercepted by defender #2, which happened to be Tobias's dog AGAIN, now mysteriously resurrected and growling at the foot of Sarah's bed with zombie-like persistence. Satan gave a shrill hiss that could have been a laugh.

"Ah, Asssmodeusss," He hissed. "We meet at lassst. Ssstill clussstering around young Sssarah, I asssume?"

Asmodeus trembled like something on the vet's table, but stood his ground. "Go away!" He snarled. "Or…"

"Or what?" Said Satan sarcastically. "I wasss inclined to believe that the incident with Michael wasss a mere accident, but now, it might pleassse you to know that, if sssome accident happen to befall me here, within the ssspace of an hour every demon in Hell would be after you with terrible thingsss in ssstore ---"

Asmodeus stood there dumbly. Although it was not clear whether he was wondering what Michael did to Satan, or what terrible things were in store for him, or why the deuce his superior was so mad, he was shaking so badly now that someone would have mistaken him as a terminal case of rabies.

"--- ssso," Satan continued smugly. "If you are ssstill one of usss..." He paused suddenly. "Move out of my way." He finished awkwardly, looking confused.

Both Asmodeus and me gaped at the Prince of Darkness in disbelieve. Any demon lord worth his damnation would come up with something better, like demand Asmodeus to kill Sarah, and so on. Obviously, the smell of fish had induced the serpent's instincts to push loftier matters aside and aim for the practical.

"Over my dead body, woof!" Said Asmodeus suddenly, also looking baffled. But some voice in his head told him that he ought to keep the foul-smelling intruder from his food.

"As you wisssh." Said Satan impatiently, his tongue tasting the air most devoutly. Round #2 lasted a little longer. To most it looked like a green blur. Only my supernatural eyesight could see the basilisk's head shoot out like a spring and snap around the undead-dog. It then shook Asmodeus like a rag doll until virtually every bone popped and the spirit of Asmodeus fled in agony.

"I commend you on your choice of woman, Asssmodeusss." Said Satan after spitting out the once again lifeless dog (obviously it did not taste good). He trickled next to Sarah's bed and gingerly lifted the veil with his tail. "Sssarah smelled most deliciousss. I ssshall certainly look forward to---"

He was cut short at this point, as he came face-to-face with defendant #3, a full-length mirror I had placed on the bed with some foresight.

Raphael's quest log--- Resolution

Satan's rage-filled scream certainly spared no effort. People in half a mile's radius could hear something that sounded like a heap of scrap metal being dragged over un-lubricated steel. Then he slumped down like a de-boned fish, hitting the ground with an unceremonious smack.

Thus ended the duel between Raphael the Hero and the Basilisk--- not a divine spell raised, as per contract. This unholy terror simply committed suicide against a painfully simple optical device.

The crowd didn't exactly go wild, but the referee of the match glided up to inspect my fallen opponent.

Although it was impossible for Death's face to betray emotion, he seemed to emit a certain air of satisfaction. I THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION, RAPHAEL.

"What do you mean? I thought you came for Sarah or Tobias!" I breathed sharply.

NO. IS THERE A PROBLEM?

"Not at all." I said hurriedly. After Death had departed, Asmodeus crawled back in, a shadow of his former self. The loss of his body had only enabled him to tremble more vigorously than it was physically possible.

"How--- how could you do such a thing?" He managed to whisper. "And where's Sarah?"

"Really, to think that you have the cheek to ask me!" I drew myself up haughtily. "I gather from the conversation that you hadn't been explaining things to your commander, thus he thought you were a traitor of some sort."

"I'm sorry!" Whined Asmodeus, now literally vibrating like excited helium. "I had gone back to Below, but it suddenly occurred to me that it would be fun to come back and check on how things are going on---"

"Enough!" I said rather severely. "Then you'd better go back and do the explaining, before a demonic army turns up to massacre poor Sarah. I would be quite mad about it, you know."

"How could I?" Said Asmodeus with a pained yelp. "As you well know, if my commander doesn't return within an hour a demonic murder-squad will be after my ass," He gave the serpent's prone corpse a hopeless kick. "And now you're telling me to tell my would-be persecutors that my commander is dead!"

I gave this some thought. "That sounds grave indeed." I conceded. "But things will turn out all right yet. As all could see, you did try to stop your superior from getting himself killed. I'm sure that when he wakes up, he would look upon your transgressions in a more kindly light."

Asmodeus gave a hollow laugh. "I wonder if you have paid any attention to lore, Raphael. But if a basilisk dies, it can only be reborn in an egg hatched by a 3-year-old cockerel, or something of the sort. This process takes an age."

"Yes, I have heard something of the like..."

His tone grew deader. "So, before my superior could crawl back to Hell and shower his mercy on me, the legions of Hell would long ago have pounded out my stuffing and scattered it to the four winds."

"Hmm…"

"And, this would create a severe obstacle for my explaining. It would take ages for them to put me back in one piece." Said Asmodeus. There was so much suffering in his face that he could have been used as a Grade-A tomb ornament.

"So what do you propose to do?" I said, not unkindly. Although Asmodeus had been a pain in every region, we angels were not devoid of the milk of kindness.

Asmodeus melted like butter before a stove. "Save me, Raphael!" He managed to quaver. "Keep me in your detention center for a month and I swear by all that is unholy that I won't hinder your business again."

I shook my head somberly. "I am most sorry, old chap." I said with a pang of pain. "But I'm afraid this is impossible, for if the demonic mob got wind that I was keeping you under my desk, they would accost me at every corner, making it impossible for any mission to be undertaken."

"Oh!" Asmodeus got back to his feet with a most gallant effort. He seemed to be past terror now, although his eyes stared blankly at something in the distance. "Well then, I suppose I'll prepare myself to run until my shadow can't find me with a map."

"That doesn't occur to me as a very sound plan." I commented. Something occurred to my mind. "I have something that might possibly work, though."

"Oh?" Asmodeus's eyes finally focused again. "What is it?"

I got a notebook out of my pocket and began to write. "I know a safe place that can shelter you for a while."

"Go on."

"You will temporarily stay in Archangel Michael's army as a captive."

"You're mad!" Protested Asmodeus, his eyes shining pure terror. "He hates me to the core!"

I ignored the remark. "I think he will be quite pleased to see you. I have written him a letter explaining the circumstances---"

"Totally out of your mind! ---" Asmodeus continued energetically.

" --- He will treat you quite appropriately, of course--- nothing drastic apart from giving you a black eye, figuratively speaking, to make it look convincing to your folks."

"--- Utterly blithering!"

"He's somewhere in Egypt right now. Here's the letter--- I would hurry along if I were you."

"I'm doomed!" Commented Asmodeus in the toneless voice of a convict whose life sentence had just been replaced by the electric chair. He took the letter, though. "Oh well..."

"So," I emphasize the point again, for with an empty-headed sap like Asmodeus you couldn't be too careful. "In return, you must explain to your superior--- as soon as he returns--- that you have nothing to do with Sarah."

"Of course." Said Asmodeus with dull horror.

"And please tell him that he had been killed by a hero, if you would be so kind." I said hopefully. The Prince of Darkness had a policy of not hunting down heroes for revenge. Due to their generally short life expectancies, there's usually not enough time for him to get back to them anyway.

"Anything. I'm doomed!" Repeated Asmodeus devoutly, as he lurched out like a mummy from its sarcophagus.

"Chin up, old fellow!" I cheered after him. "It may be quite exciting!"

Now that Asmodeus had ceased (as far as the near future was concerned) to be a nuisance to all, I took care of the aftermath--- namely wiping slime off the floor, stuffing the dead basilisk into an my overnight bag and covering the sad remains of Toby with a cloth. I shed a quiet tear for this animal that gave its life so fearlessly for its mistress's, but God's will, not mine, must be done...

Fortunately, it was also God's will that loyal little dogs shouldn't get slain by evil monsters. No sooner had I finished its brief funeral service, the cloth miraculously stirred, and the animal crept out with life returning to its limbs. The spectacle was slightly hampered by the fact that it walked right into a wall and bumped its nose with a yowl. Upon my inspection, its face was still gummed with basilisk venom, such that naturally it could not see nor smell anything.

It was therefore Raphael's task to give this miracle a fitting end. I had indeed studied lore concerning basilisks. Some hero, I recalled, had suggested the insides of a basilisk as a miraculous cure for all maladies. After a brief autopsy, I extracted the gall, which was a likely antidote. Upon experimenting on Toby I discovered that with a rather unscientific efficiency, it dissolved all the slime in no time, rendering Toby bright-eyed and wet-nosed once again. At that moment, I thought of some future use for it…

Raphael's quest log--- The Book of Tobit

Sad to say, I did not stay for the wedding celebrations. Firmly convinced that I was an acclaimed women-stealer, Raguel booted me off the premises temporarily because he found it embarrassing to explain my identity to the guests at the banquet. Tobias and Sarah were most dissatisfied about this treatment, but Raphael was also keen not to raise problems, so I told them that I would collect Tobias's money from Gabael so that he could return home as early as possible

After I had collected said funds from Gabael and returned to Raguel's, it was time to take my leave. Tobias and Sarah, now securely hitched, expressed nothing short of outrage:

"But Azarias!" Objected Sarah shrilly. "You can't leave us now! Please go back to Tobias's home with us, and we will throw a party in your honor."

"I'm afraid I have some urgent business, Sarah." I maintained. "I will stop by Tobias's place when I have the time, though."

"You ought to come back with us first, old friend," Ventured Tobias, trying to manipulate the economic incentive. "My father still hasn't paid your expenses! If you don't collect it right away the sum would be rendered useless by inflation."

"Nevertheless, I can't oblige this time." I said. "I have a wedding gift for you two, though."

"That is most sweet of you, but---" Insisted Tobias, but stopped as I handed him a packet. "What is it?"

"It's---" I searched for an appropriate explanation, but decided to give up. "--- the gall of the fish you caught. I… have discovered some medical applications for it. Just put it on your father's eyes and his blindness will be cured."

"It's rather heavy!" Said Tobias, surprised.

"Possibly fermentation?" I suggested politely. "Anyway, I wish you a safe journey home and lifelong happiness. May the Lord's blessings be with you!"

A short time later, I was back at my office in Heaven when Archangel Gabriel sailed in.

"Magnificent!" He peered at my mounted basilisk specimen enviously. "You do have great taste in souvenirs. How is Tobias?"

"Life sentence with Sarah." I reported. "Not pining for him, are you? You don't seem to be quite happy."

"Concerning the matter," Gabriel allowed himself a thin smile. "No one can be happier than me--- all I hope is that their offspring don't take after them. But what in Heaven are you doing here? You are supposed to go back with Tobias and tell his father that all's well and God is smiling on him from His throne. Do I need to remind you that your mission is supposed to be God's Will? And here you are, twiddling your fingers idly while people attribute your success to dumb luck. This is no way to treat God's Will, I tell you."

"Calm down, Gabriel." I polished my specimen's scales calmly. "Please understand that it's all for the best. How can I bring myself to tell them that I am a messenger of God? Am I supposed to say, 'Look here, I am Archangel Raphael carrying out God's Will, albeit with a few blunders on the way'? People will wonder, Gabriel, about who Valerie is, and so on. This doesn't sound like the kind of stuff that goes down in scriptures."

"I must admit you're right." Said Gabriel, his smile now a strange one. "But concerning the scriptures, there is no cause for worry. What is it that the Scribes and Pharisees write down, anyway? What I dictate to them, naturally. So, just blast away the truth and I'll ensure that it won't get recorded."

"Won't people spot the difference?" I reasoned. "After all they are going to hear about it from Tobias."

"Ah," Said Gabriel, warming to the matter. " We must once again employ the power of rumor. Just tell Tobit the truth, skip over the details on Valerie, and later spread rumors of a different version in town. I have, in fact, compiled the stuff." He drew out a slim booklet from his sleeve. It bore the words 'The Official Book of Tobit' on the cover.

I read it briefly. "My God!" I said weakly. "How did you manage to think of all this? It sounded just like the stuff in scriptures. I would have believed it myself."

Gabriel looked quite pleased. "I had, thankfully, procured Tobias's diary and got much of my inspiration from there. This mortal only has bits and pieces of the truth. Whatever he can say about the whole affair, it will not make sense to outsiders. Besides, I did make an effort to convey symbolic meaning in everything. The fish, for example, actually means something. Scholars will be studying it for years."

"Dear Gabriel!" I pocketed the book with trembling hands. "Thank God you are here to put things right!"

"And I thank God that you have put things right." Said Gabriel benevolently. "But the ending still depends on you. I see Tobias heading for home now. So return with him now, then reveal yourself and convey God's blessings with a loudspeaker. He'll probably need it, considering that I had cursed him to the umpteenth generation."

"Then dissipate rumor with a even louder loudspeaker?" I was beginning to enjoy this.

"Exactly. I await hearing about it," Said Gabriel with a knowing wink. "Literally."

Finale--- Archangel Raphael, one of the seven

Tobias was sitting under a tree, with a dazed expression of one who had narrowly escaped a heart attack. The dog Toby had long ago stopped trying to cheer him up, and was now digging a hole in the ground with a hopeful expression. Sarah stole up and laid a hand on Tobias's shoulder.

"Tobias?" She said in a whisper.

"Sarah?" Said Tobias with a start. "Did you hear---"

"Yes." Said Sarah.

"I'm totally confused, Sarah." Said Tobias.

"So am I. Would you mind telling me about---"

"Oh, you mean my whole journey?" Said Tobias wearily. "Ask any scribe around and they'll give you a really detailed account that you'd think they had been there, taking notes all along."

"I know. I just met one myself--- Funny how news get round so quickly." Said Sarah thoughtfully. "Their account of how we knew each other was ridiculous, though. What's all that crap about the fish that attacked you?"

"Don't ask me." Said Tobias glumly. "My head is totally in the clouds. There's something really fishy about the whole thing--- I tried to consult my neighbors for their opinions, but they all insisted that I was lying. On top of that, someone stole my diary."

"I wonder who Valerie is…" Said Sarah in awe. "You had good taste though--- first time in love and you drew an archangel's sister for your lot."

"I wonder who Nathaniel is." Said Tobias, looking more troubled. "He said he used to know Valerie…"

"Do you think we ought to tell this to people?" Said Sarah, likewise perturbed. "Someone might be able to make sense of all this."

"Who'd believe us?" Said Tobias with a hopeless gesture. "Even my father thinks I'm talking rot."

"The truth is out there…" Said Sarah hopefully.

"I don't think we'll ever find out, Sarah," Said Tobias, putting an arm around his wife. "Unless I happen to get my hands on that angel one day. Let's keep the truth inside our heads for the time being."

"I feel like we're dealing with something too complicated for mortal understanding." Sighed Sarah.

"One day," Said Tobias, his voice trembling. "The truth will be known. One day…"

THE END