Author's Note: First off, thank you so much, everyone who reviewed on the last chapter! :O That made me so happy ;_; you don't even know... Hehe. Anyway, in reply to some of your reviews! (I know some replies are longer than others. It's... unintentional...)
KingOfShadowedOnes: I'm glad you think it's realistic, I'm kinda going for that.
Ichigopocky: I know that feeling, I squeal when new chapters of stuff I read come out too.
eXtraNIo: It's good to hear from you again! I'm not quite sure what you were saying about Naoto's evolution (sorry I don't speak spanish very well!) but I hope I'm doing a good job writing Naoto!
Tsukiko: Oh... I haven't actually thought that far ahead, but the idea of Kanji having a new Shadow too does seem interesting! I'll think about it! (No guarantees, but it sure does sound like good plot!)
Echochess: For some reason I feel proud to have been your first reviewed story. c: (Does this mean I took your review virginity? Haha) I do hope you'll continue reviewing in the future! And I'm glad I've written the grown up version of characters in a way that you could see them in your head. It's stuff like this that's subjective to every person's perspective, so I'm glad I'm not alone in seeing them like this, having their own problems even as adults. I know it's not as action-packed as a video game, and it seems more slice of life, but I do hope I'm making it entertaining!
-Nia-: I don't know your FFN name. But you signed with that so I'm going with it XD. I know the feeling of staying up to read something when I should be in bed! Anyway, I'm glad you can empathize with Naoto, and, uh, welcome to the country? Hehe. (Inept is such a Naoto word by the way. I love it. :D) The way you've described my fiction, as with "deeper meanings", "issues raised toward identity", and "the answers one is looking for", I think, is absolutely perfect-it's almost everything I'm going for and I'm so glad someone has been able to get this much of a feel for it! It makes me really happy! I hope I don't disappoint with the direction of this fanfiction, then! Also, fanart? Ohmygosh, I'm spazzing here... any fanart would make me a very, very happy author! I'd love to see anything you do make. (And as for ideas, I don't want to make you draw something you don't want to... anything would be fine, even your favorite scene from the fanfic! Idk, Kanji and Naoto on the phone, because that happens a lot in this fanfic? Just a suggestion. Hehe.)
Stallord12: You really need to get a FFN account, haha. I hope you had a good time on vacation! It's good to hear from you again, and I do hope things get less hectic for you (I hope things get less hectic for me too xD). I'm glad I'm able to get the emotions in, I know it's definitely a challenge, but... Idk, I guess I get practice? Or I'm just an emotional person. I tend to get into character and make myself cry with scenes like the last chapter's flashback. Honestly, as someone who's kinda had that happen to her, it really is a scary thing. Even if Naoto's not contemplating suicide or anything, it's certainly a very frightening thought, and I would freak out just like Kanji did. It's a little more disturbing when she's crying, you know, instead of something like the other chapter when she was relatively rational when she asked Kanji to shoot her.
That's it for review replies. I've been on a writing streak lately I guess, so I've got plenty written out (god, I can't wait to post some of the later chapters... but I can't say much, that'll be spoiling it for you guys!)... Halfway through last week, I was so excited to post more I almost did it on Tuesday! What do you guys think, should I post a bonus chapter this coming Tuesday? Maybe if I get enough reviews! Hehe.
As for this week's chapter, the only thing I must note is that I know nothing about motorcycles (I'm... guessing. Really. I hope it's not too bad?). I'm not too fond of the last couple sections, as like before it seemed a little rushed... but anyway, I'm off to Persona 3-trying to get more of a feel for the Persona world, you know? Hopefully it'll make this fanfic better! Enjoy this week's chapter! (And sorry for the long-looking A/N!)
.~.~.~.~.~.
Chapter 10: Five Years was Not Enough
.~.~.~.~.~.
"Yu-san did say you used to crash into things often… didn't you go through three bikes in one year? How did you manage to keep a motorcycle this long without destroying it?"
"Hey, I'm not that bad a driver!" Yosuke crossed his arms, "I mean, I was trying to avoid—a—uh, cat. Yeah."
"Lying to me is futile, Yosuke-san." Naoto chuckled, rolling her eyes. "You're fortunate that it was me who found you, at least."
"Uh, yeah, fortunate." Yosuke said dryly, "So is my motorcycle okay?"
"It should be fine—I patched up the scratch there, but you might need to take it to the shop." Naoto stood up, brushing off her pants, "And the wiring didn't get too badly damaged, but you should replace the battery. It looks like it's at the end of its life already."
"Thanks, man," Yosuke looked relieved, carefully taking the handles of the bike and kicking the foot in, "Who would've thought, ace detective Shirogane Naoto can fix a motorcycle!"
"Well, I do own three." Naoto smirked, watching his eyes bulge, "Two were gifts, one was of my own style preference. And if you count the scooter and the dirt bike, I have five."
"Dude, it took me six years to save up for one! You know, since high school. And with Chie and Kuma charging things to me all the time…" Yosuke began grumbling to himself.
"You should learn how to keep it in good shape then." Naoto crossed her arms, "You're heading to Okina City, right? There should be a repair shop there, I've seen it on the way to and from Inaba. I think your battery should be good for a round trip, but I recommend stopping by there before coming back, at the least."
"How'd you know so much about fixing my ride, anyhow? I didn't take you to be much of a mechanic." Yosuke walked the red and orange motorcycle out to the street so he could head on his way. How did he even manage to end up in that alley, Naoto would never know.
"I took two years of engineering, remember?" Naoto shrugged, "And like I said, I own three motorcycles, and I've learned how to maintain all of them. And the cars, but that's mostly Yakushiji-san."
Yosuke started up the motorcycle, carefully eying the dashboard. The thing didn't explode on him, at least. "Dude, you're the best. I mean, I was going to go ask Kanji to help me out, since he's nearby, but despite how macho the guy looks, I doubt he can fix stuff like you can."
"Machines aren't his forte." Once again, the blue-haired detective shrugged, "Anyway, sorry to have kept you waiting. I'm sure you have some business to attend to."
"Right. I'll make this up to you later, Naoto!" Yosuke got on the bike, "Thanks again! See you later!" And with that, he sped off.
Naoto shook her head almost fondly, picking up her things and going back to Tatsumi Textiles.
Mrs. Tatsumi greeted her at the front. "Welcome back—that took longer than I thought. Did the grocery store not have the vegetables?" She asked.
Naoto shook her head. "Ah, no, I was helping a friend with his motorcycle… it broke down not too far away from here, and I happened across him…."
"How kind," Mrs. Tatsumi gave one of her ancient, wrinkled smiles, "Alright, Kanji will be back soon, so why don't we get started with lunch."
"Um…" Naoto blinked, noting her plural use of pronouns, "Did you… need my assistance with it?"
Mrs. Tatsumi looked over at her. "I wouldn't mind the extra help—especially with washing things. My hands get so flaky when they go near water." She explained. "And the pans feel like they're getting heavier all the time…"
"Oh—I see, of course." How hard can it be? Naoto thought. It's not like solving a mystery—I'll have a recipe, right? I can make things with a recipe… it's just putting things together in the right order. Like a puzzle… right?
It turned out that Naoto wasn't all that good a cook, Kanji would later learn. When he got back from a different errand that his mother had sent him on earlier, he sat down for lunch and began to eat—and then wondered why it tasted burnt.
Naoto apologized for it repeatedly—apparently, she did not know how to make sautéed vegetables, much less what "sauté" was, and she was a horrible judge of how hot something should be or how long to keep the pan on the oven. Even when things started turning black, or setting on fire. How she didn't figure out that was a bad thing was a complete mystery.
"I'm sorry—I'm not a very good cook—I mean, I always had the chefs at the estate, and when I was travelling it was room service, and—"
"Naoto-kun, stop apologizing, I get it." Kanji laughed, ruffling her hair playfully, "At least you're a better cook than Rise-chan. And your food didn't turn purple, so…"
Naoto gave him a blank look. "…Rise-chan works at a tofu store… how can she—"
"…Oh, right, you weren't there for that." Kanji blinked. He grinned, telling her about the school camping trip from way back then, and then the cook off.
"What… I can understand Chie-san, but I can't believe Yukiko-san used to be such a bad cook!" Naoto laughed a little.
"Yeah, that's what we thought, too—considering she was supposed to be the heiress to the inn and all." Kanji ran his hand through his hair, "She's much better now, but back then, everyone called it Mystery Food X. You're lucky you never had to eat it."
"Oh, my…" Naoto laughed harder. Kanji watched in something akin to awe for a minute. When her laughter died down, she realized he was staring and she blushed, looking over at him. "W-why are you staring at me like that?"
"It's just… I've never heard you laugh so hard." He smiled affectionately at her.
"Actually, laughing this hard kind of hurts. I don't remember the last time I've ever laughed." Naoto put her hand to her chest. "But… I'm glad you told me. I don't know much about what happened with everyone before I joined the team…"
"Makes you feel kinda left out, huh?" Kanji leaned forward, leaning his elbow on the table, "Sorry about that."
"No, it's okay." The short detective shook her head.
"Are you alright?"
She looked up at him. "Huh?"
"You said it hurt." He explained when he saw her confusion.
"Oh… It's just the bindings." She could feel the bindings underneath her shirt tug at her skin. "It doesn't hurt anymore."
"How's that going for you?" He asked curiously. It had been quite a number of days, but occasionally he would look at her the way he was now and she could tell he was worried.
"It's not like I'm going to stop breathing." She rolled her eyes, "But… I suppose that's not what you're asking, aren't you?"
He nodded a little. "Have you… figured out about that?"
"Actually, yes, I have," She nodded, "You know, today I helped Yosuke-san fix his motorcycle. Just outside here." She saw his questioning look, so she continued, "He called me a male three times during our conversation."
"You kept track?" Kanji looked amused.
"It wasn't unnoticeable." She shrugged, "But even if he was just speaking normally, which I know he was, it felt forced to me."
"Like he was going out of his way to treat you as the gender you want to be?" Kanji asked.
"No, like… my mentality emphasized it for me, and noticing it made me a little… uncomfortable." Naoto bit her lip, looking down, "Besides… when I was trying to get to sleep last night, I got to thinking about how early I'd have to get up to bind my chest, and then the train of thought continued…"
"And…?"
"It's really bothersome, to be honest." Naoto smiled wryly, "It takes a lot of work to be a male, but when I think about it, it really makes no difference in how people treat me anymore. And besides that, like just now, it hurts a little bit."
"So… you're going to stop binding, at the least." Kanji said slowly, trying to figure out whatever conclusion she had come to.
"While having a female body is frustrating at times, it is not nearly as frustrating as trying to turn this body into a man's." Naoto sighed, "Besides… Mother would be disappointed in me if she knew I wanted to change the body she had given me."
"Don't make your decisions based on someone else's influence." Kanji took her hand, "Even if it was your mother, I don't think she would've been disappointed with you."
"I know. But it doesn't matter, that was beside the point. I've made my decision." Naoto smiled at him, "I think that outwardly, it doesn't matter anymore."
"The only person it should matter to is yourself." Kanji stared at her, "Just to be sure, though, you're absolutely positive that you're comfortable with this? I mean, your Shadow…"
"Yes, I'm sure. Besides, going on our date later this afternoon wouldn't be as fun if I couldn't breathe." Naoto chuckled.
Kanji blinked. "Uh, yeah, you still haven't told me where we're going for that date."
A coy grin. "You'll see."
.~.~.~.~.~.
"Aw, Naoto-kun, I thought you looked handsome before!" Rise giggled when her friend stopped by Marukyu later that day, "Coming back to our side already?"
"Wha—what does it matter." Naoto pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. She had changed into a comfortable white sleeveless collared shirt with a blue undershirt, and at the moment Rise was complimenting her on her choice of fashion. She also said something about how her fashion choices as a male were really strange. "Hey—"
"So what can I do for you today?" Rise grinned, changing the subject so Naoto didn't have time to complain.
"I just thought I'd visit. Kanji-kun is finishing up work, and I have nothing to do." She shrugged.
"Ohh, okay." Rise gave her a cat-like grin—Naoto didn't like that grin. It meant Rise was planning something. "Grandma, I'm gonna go out for a bit! I'll be back soon!"
"Don't wander too far!" The old woman at the back called.
Rise took off her apron, leaving the front counter. "C'mon, let's take a walk."
Naoto sighed, following her as they walked to the nearby shrine. They talked idly for a while, and then Rise brought up Naoto's relationship with Kanji.
"So, is it getting serious?"
"Serious?" She lifted an eyebrow, waiting for the brunette woman to continue.
"Well, you know. Have you kissed yet?" Rise asked with a sly grin.
"No," Naoto answered, as always, "We've gotten used to holding hands and hugging. That's it."
"Oh come on, Naoto-kun! Don't you like Kanji-kun? You should go for it already!"
"I told you, we're doing things at our own pace. We're not part of one of your corny TV dramas." Naoto sighed in exasperation.
"How do you know they're corny?"
"Please. You kept sending me links in my email to watch some of the shows you were in. They hurt my eyes." Naoto said dryly, "I'm not kidding, those things gave me a headache that aspirin didn't work on."
Rise blinked. "Oh, right. But—hey, it's not that bad!"
"We're getting off topic here." Naoto ran her hand through her hair, and then adjusted her hat. They sat down at a bench, "You know, I bet if you took it slow instead of trying to recreate those TV drama relationships, you could find that man you've been looking for this whole time."
"Oh yeah?" Rise smiled at her, "So if I'm looking for the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime… and you're giving me advice on how to find it… that means you've already found it, right?"
"Huh?" Naoto blinked, looking over, "Well—it's not like… well, we don't know if it will be—"
"But you believe it will be. That's… really admirable, Naoto-kun." Rise said sincerely, "Now I really do wish I could find a guy like Yu-sempai or Kanji-kun."
"Now you're saying both of their names? Broadening your expectations, aren't you." Her friend smiled at her.
"So have you told him you love him yet?"
Naoto's eyes widened and she sputtered. "What—"
"It's not… not obvious, Naoto-kun. Like we just confirmed, you believe it will last a lifetime. You've fallen in love with Kanji-kun, right?"
Naoto blushed deeply. "Why are you suddenly…"
"You guys really do belong together. I'm jealous." Rise gave a small, playful grin, "I know you've only been dating a few weeks, but I know you both have felt that relationship there for much longer."
"…"
Rise and Naoto sat in silence for a while, and then Rise got bored of getting no response, so she sighed and changed the subject. "So, you decided to be a girl again?"
"It was easier." Naoto shrugged. No, I did not decide to be a girl. It's just something I've come to accept.
"It was too hard to be a guy again, so you took the easy way out?" Rise lifted an eyebrow.
"Sometimes, the easy way isn't the wrong way. Sometimes it's really just as simple as 'the easy way out'." Naoto shrugged. "Perhaps it was meant to be this way. It doesn't feel wrong, and it feels a little right. More right than it ever has in the past. So I'm okay with this."
"If you're sure." Rise nodded. "You're prettier like this anyway. I like it."
"Thank you," Naoto replied uneasily, not sure how to take the compliment.
"I just have one question though."
"What is it?" Knowing Rise, though, it was probably more than one question.
"Is this the truth you've been seeking? Or at least, a small part of it?"
Naoto glanced at her friend in surprise. The maroon-haired woman's face was oddly serious, and she was gazing straight into her cobalt eyes with a sense of… wisdom, maybe. It almost seemed as if Rise had heard her unspoken, hidden thoughts anyway. Perhaps it was Kanzeon's doing.
"Perhaps the truth of my identity will only come to me in small pieces, and I will never have the whole puzzle—but I feel as though I'm getting there, little by little." Naoto nodded.
"What if there's no puzzle at all?"
"Are you talking about the fact that humans are always changing, therefore the pieces will always be scattered?"
"Do you know what you're looking for, exactly?"
"Saying 'my identity' is rather vague, because I don't know what that is… so no." Naoto replied, not breaking her gaze. Rise was definitely talking to Kanzeon.
"There's something I learned—Kuma-kun and I both—when we met our Shadows." Rise said quietly, finally breaking her gaze. She looked at the ground, her eyes tracing the cobblestones. "In our search for the 'truth', we all undergo suffering. Kuma-kun's Shadow asked us why we searched for something we didn't know, or things we didn't know even existed. He asked why we all fought so hard if struggle wasn't worth it. But… back then… we knew it was worth it. Those struggles made us stronger and became a part of who we are. And we fought because there was something driving us to fight—something we had faith in. Maybe it was Yu-sempai—or maybe it was ourselves, and our own skills, no matter how inadequate we were for the job. We were just teenagers after all, what did we know?"
"Rise-chan…?"
"So even if it didn't exist, we searched for it—our 'true selves'… do you think we ever found it?" Rise looked over at her again. "Maybe Kuma-kun did. He seems pretty content with the way he is."
"And you?" Naoto asked carefully.
"You and I are the same, Naoto-kun." Rise suddenly smiled brightly, catching the detective off guard, "My 'self' is always changing! So I'm not going to dwell on something I'll never actually find, I'm going to be okay if I have even small bits of the truth of who I am!"
"I admire your versatility, Rise-chan," Naoto smiled back at her, "But for me… I'm a little different."
"I know, you've gotta know the whole truth, huh? It's your job." Rise giggled, "And that's fine too. We'll support you all the way."
"You and Kanzeon?" Naoto lifted an eyebrow.
"Of course!" Rise nodded, jumping up and stretching, "And everyone else too, no duh."
"I know. Thank you." Naoto smiled.
"So if you need help fighting your second Shadow, we're totally there for you."
Once again, Naoto was caught off guard.
"W-wait, what—?!" She sputtered, stiffening.
"Oh come on, I talk to Kuma-kun a lot. Besides, Kanzeon can easily tell you have a Shadow. We sensed it last time we went to the TV world to see Kuma-kun." Rise turned to face her friend, "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Well—it's not like I was keeping it a secret. I just…"
"I know Shadows tend to reveal some pretty embarrassing things, but the whole Investigation Team is behind you, you know that!" Rise pouted, "Nothing we learn from the Shadow is gonna change how we feel about you!"
"I—err—" Naoto blushed. "I… meant to tell you. I just… never found the right opportunity."
"I know, I know." Rise smiled softly, "I'm not an ace detective like you, but if I can help you find out who you are, without just telling you, I will."
"So you do know." The pint-sized detective sighed in resignation.
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. For all I know, there's no 'real you', just like me, and your Shadow is going to be there until you realize that." Rise shrugged, "But that's beyond the point."
"I know."
"I think you're late for your date with Kanji-kun." The idol grinned mischievously.
"Wh-what?" That certainly wasn't what Naoto expected Rise to say.
How did Rise keep catching her off guard like that?
.~.~.~.~.~.
"The… Samegawa Floodplain?"
"I know it seems rather odd, but I like this place." Naoto smiled to herself.
"Are we going fishing?"
"Did you bring any fishing rods?" She returned easily, amused by Kanji's reaction.
"…Then what are we doing here?"
"This is the only place in Inaba with an abundance of trees. Which you can climb without getting in trouble, at least." Naoto chuckled. She saw his expression grow even more confused, so she pointed at a rather tall tree along the riverbank and walked toward it. "When I was younger, I loved to climb trees. I suppose I discovered that pastime when Yakushiji and grampa told me to play outside every once and a while—they didn't like that I kept staying in to read Sherlock Holmes."
"Oh, I see." Kanji blinked, following her, "You wanted to climb trees?"
"I think it would be fun if we did it together. Have you ever climbed one?" Naoto asked curiously.
"I… never really thought about it. I guess I always thought I'd be too heavy and break a branch or something. It shouldn't be too hard, right?" The dark-haired man shrugged, "But I guess it makes sense that you like to climb trees… trees have high places."
"Actually, it was because of the trees that I decided I liked high places." Naoto corrected, looking up at the lowest branch on the tree they now stood under. She crouched a little, then jumped up and grabbed it, pulling herself up with practiced, if not slightly rusty, grace. Once she was carefully balanced on the branch, she looked down at him. "The sunset should be beautiful from up there, though."
Kanji watched her in awe as she climbed up to the next branch, allowing him room to make his own way up. He shook his head, chuckling a little bit, and tried to copy her—though he had significantly less balance and confidence, wobbling uneasily as he clung to the trunk with one hand.
"You make it look really easy, Naoto-kun."
"I've had years of practice." Naoto grinned at him, climbing higher and waiting for him to catch up. When they finally made it as high as they could before the branches thinned out, they sat down on two branches, facing each other, and Naoto noted how tired he looked. "You've really never climbed a tree before, even as a child, have you."
"Ma didn't like me doing dangerous stuff. Never did." He answered, trying to catch his breath. "How is it that you haven't even broken a sweat? This was a workout! I thought you hated exercise."
"I'm not unfit," Naoto crossed her arms, "I'm the fastest out of everyone on the Investigation Team, I can chase criminals for long periods of time, and I can lift the heaviest doors if I need to find a secret hideout. I don't like exercising, but that doesn't mean I can't do it."
He stared at her. "You always tried to get out of P.E. in school, you never joined any sports clubs, and you always finished last when we did laps—"
"I was restricted by my physical mentality back then." Naoto stated simply.
He opened his mouth to respond, but then stopped, realizing what she meant. So the only thing that came out was a simple, "Oh."
So that's what she meant earlier, when she said their date "wouldn't be as fun if she couldn't breathe".
"I haven't climbed trees since I became the Detective Prince back then… it feels nice." Naoto looked out to the horizon, which was lined by the shadows of the buildings in the near distance.
Kanji looked out, his eyes scanning the town he had lived in his whole life. "It really is kinda nice up here." He trailed his gaze back to Naoto, silent for a moment. Her face looked so serene in this moment, like she had nothing to worry about and not a care in the world for everything that had happened thus far. "We should come here more often."
"Yes…"
She seemed like she was drifting off, like she could fall asleep at any moment—her eyes were still open, though, and her gaze was distant. He could tell that a place like this allowed her mind to clear and she would just think about things here.
"What're you thinking about?"
"Something the 'Other Me' said."
He blinked. That was unexpected.
"It said that I was wrong to search for a 'true self' that is separate from the pieces of my 'identity'…"
"Yeah, I know. I was there." Kanji said softly.
"And that I have faced my physical reality, but I haven't accepted it."
There was silence for a moment. Kanji was trying to figure out where Naoto was going with this.
"Haven't you?"
"I don't know." She replied quietly, "Earlier I said it didn't matter what I outwardly looked like. But within my consciousness, I don't even know what to call myself anymore." It was true that in her mind, there was a strange transition from "male" to "female" and back to "male" again, and she didn't know how to handle it. "I mean… in my head, sometimes I want to think I'm a male, but when everyone calls me the opposite, there's a pressure that makes me think I'm wrong. Even when I know I have the body of a female, something in me just doesn't accept that ideal, and I have to resist the urge to change myself like I used to."
"So that's why you were experimenting the past few days?" Kanji asked softly.
"Yes…. My heart tells me I'm not meant to be a female… and I think that's my 'real self'. But everyone else doesn't see me that way. Even you." Naoto didn't meet Kanji's gaze, not wanting to see his expression. Would he be hurt if she said something like that? "And if that's the case… I think I just have to get used to accepting the fact that people see me differently than the way I see myself. Like you said, the only one my identity should matter to is myself, and if this is the only way for me to be comfortable with myself and how others see me… then that should be okay, right?"
"…Right." Kanji answered after a moment, and Naoto wondered if she had actually hurt his feelings just now. However, he stuck by his resolution; that he would be okay with whatever Naoto chose to do or be.
"I was talking to Rise-chan earlier today… she said that there might not even be a 'real me'… and I want to believe her." Naoto looked over at her boyfriend, "I want to believe it's as simple as just taking things in stride, like she does, and not worrying about who I might be. Maybe I'm just trying to figure it out something that doesn't need figuring out… and it's a little frustrating."
"You think your Shadow is right, then?" Kanji asked seriously.
"It's my Shadow… it can't be wrong. I know that." Naoto sighed, "I just want to keep denying it, because as long as it's there, I have a chance of taking the easy way out and just letting it tell me who I am. But it—and Rise-chan—are right… I wouldn't be happy if I couldn't figure it out on my own."
"But you don't have to figure it out on your own." The brown-haired man reminded her.
"I know, and I really am thankful, but there's only so much soul-searching I can do, and I know I have to do some of it by myself." Naoto sighed, "Those five years I spent away, I had so much time to think… but in the end, it looks like even five years will never be enough."
"Naoto-kun…" There was a long silence, and then Kanji leaned toward her a little. "Close your eyes."
She blinked, staring at him. "What?"
"Just do it." He smiled reassuringly at her.
"…Alright…" She replied slowly, hesitant but closing her eyes anyway. "What is the point of—"
"What are you seeing?"
"Seeing? My eyes are closed, I'm not seeing anything." Naoto frowned.
"Alright then," Kanji sounded like he was smiling, "I'm going to say something, and I want you to tell me the first image that comes to your mind."
"Eh? Okay…" What was Kanji doing? She couldn't figure it out.
"Yourself."
"…"
Naoto's face didn't change. When she thought about what her 'self' was, the first image that came to mind was the person she saw in the mirror every morning—long blue hair, a body she never asked for, piercing cobalt eyes that sometimes scared her, and the hat she was rarely seen without.
"Are you seeing your younger self, your Shadow, or you as you are right now?" Kanji asked when she didn't say anything for a while.
"…I see myself, as I am right now. Nothing more, nothing less." She paused, "As a… a man stuck in the body of a female. I suppose, by logical definition, then, I see myself as physically female."
She was about to open her eyes when he spoke again. "Yamato-Takeru."
The first thing that came to her mind was the last time she had seen her Persona, flying off toward the maze in her heart's "reality". She remembered wondering where it was going, and why it was acting so strange and mysterious.
"The… the maze."
"You see the maze when I say Yamato-Takeru?" Kanji sounded confused.
"Yes… you said to tell you the first thing I see. I see Yamato-Takeru flying toward the maze." She paused. "And he seems amused at all of this. Strange to hear from him now, though—he's been quiet lately."
There was a silence. Naoto was waiting for the next thing he wanted her to tell him she saw.
"You and me."
A second after he said that, her eyes snapped open and she sputtered, staring at him. "Wh-wha…"
He looked amused, but when she looked at him, the expression dropped and he became curious. "What did you see?"
"Uh—well—" Naoto coughed to clear her throat, looking away and blushing madly. She mumbled something Kanji couldn't hear.
"What?" He lifted an eyebrow, leaning forward again to try to hear her better.
"Just… it looked… like something that could be on a postcard. It was… cozy and homey… and maybe it looked like something in the future from now, like in another five years, and… err…" Naoto didn't meet his gaze, "well, I was certainly a female." And you were really handsome.
He stared at her for a moment, and then decided that he probably shouldn't comment about how cute she looked when she was flustered, because that would make her more conscious about it. Even though he wanted to know what exactly she had been thinking, he probably couldn't get much more out of her about it. So, he changed the subject for her sake.
"You were right—you don't need to figure out something that doesn't need figuring out." He commented.
She looked up at him again, her expression contorted in confusion. "Huh?"
"If you see yourself as a female in the future… I don't see why you're making a fuss about it now." Kanji smiled kindly at her. "I mean, not that it says anything about your mental gender, but y'know, it at least means you're accepting your physical gender. Isn't that what your Shadow said you weren't doing before? Guess we just proved it wrong."
"Ah—oh." She blinked slowly, then smiled a little bit. "I—I suppose you're right."
"Your 'true self' and your 'identity' might really just be as simple as letting it come to you as it does, just like right now. So don't think about it too much—I know you want to figure out the whole truth, Naoto-kun, but maybe you really should do as Rise-chan does and just take things in stride. The whole truth should come to you in time, if you're patient enough."
She stared at him for a long time. This was a man who was sure of who he was and what he wanted, and this was a man whom she would trust with her own life. Right now, he really wanted her to be happy, didn't he? The thought made her feel warm, and a wider smile crept onto her already upturned lips.
"Thank you."
"No problem, Naoto-kun." He grinned earnestly at her, "You always did think too much."
They locked gazes, and after a moment, Naoto broke away, looking toward the horizon, as she had been doing before. The sky was already orange—how long had they been up there?
"The sunset is beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yeah…"
She glanced over at Kanji again, but she found that he was still gazing lovingly at her.
.~.~.~.~.~.
"Naoto-san, you can play piano?"
"Of course. I used to play violin, but I haven't practiced… however, I do remember my piano lessons much better." Naoto nodded to the little brunette she was with.
"You're so talented!" Nanako gasped in awe.
Naoto had gone over to the Dojima house again, but Nanako was at school, so she hung out with Yu for a while, talking idly with him. When Nanako got home, she found the long-haired woman playing the keyboard Ryotaro had set up in the living room for Nanako to practice—she had started taking piano lessons five years ago, and Naoto had learned from Yu that it was because her mother had used to be a piano teacher.
"I am probably not as talented as you."
"Hey, hey, let's play a song together!" Nanako clapped happily, sitting down as Naoto made room for her at the bench. "What do you know?"
"I can play small, short tunes… Ode to Joy, Jingle Bells, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, a little bit of Beethoven's symphony… only with one hand, though." Naoto shrugged, "If I had some sheet music, I can play it if I practice."
Nanako gladly taught Naoto a new song—the Junes jingle, of course—and then they stopped and talked about random things after about an hour of practice.
"Onii-chan says he's going back to Tokyo soon… are you gonna go with him?" Nanako asked.
"No, I'll be staying here until I go back to America. Then I'll probably come back here. Probably. I don't know how long I'll be." Naoto said carefully. She never really planned where she would be going when she travelled from place to place.
"Are you gonna come back and marry Kanji-san?"
Naoto blushed deeply, but she chuckled. "No, no, nothing like that…"
"If you do marry him, are you gonna stay here?" Nanako asked innocently.
"Eh? Um…" The older detective woman blinked. She hadn't really thought of it before, but… she had her own estate, and Kanji wouldn't leave Inaba…
"Naoto-san?"
"It's nothing." Naoto shook her head. She changed the subject none too subtly, "So how are things at school?"
The doorbell rang. Yu told the girls to keep talking and went to get it—Naoto noted that he looked like he had been ready to go out by the time she had arrived… so it was probably for him anyway.
It was Yosuke and Chie. Naoto wondered where Yukiko was, and then remembered that she was probably working. She listened to them talk, idly paying attention to Nanako.
"Sorry to keep you waiting—we should go before it gets too dark out."
"Alright." Yu turned to Nanako and Naoto. "Nanako, I'm going out—I'll be back before dinner."
"Ah… okay, onii-chan." Nanako blinked.
"Oh, Naoto's here too." Yosuke looked over, "Hey, thanks again for before."
"Not a problem," Naoto nodded, standing up to go over to them, curious. She greeted them, and then asked, "Are you three meeting Yukiko-san somewhere?"
Chie and Yosuke exchanged a glance. Chie answered, "She was busy."
"I see." Naoto gave them a weird stare, "Well, I wouldn't want to keep you."
"Right. See you." Yu nodded, leaving with the pair and closing the door behind him.
"I wonder where they're going." Nanako said, coming up next to her.
"Well, there are a couple ways to figure out." Naoto replied, "They seemed to have a very secretive air around them… I wonder why."
"Are you suggesting we follow them?" Nanako asked in surprise.
"Precisely. Perhaps I can teach you some stealth techniques while we do so." Naoto grinned at her.
"Naoto-san?"
.~.~.~.~.~.
After following Yu, Yosuke, and Chie to a flower shop, Naoto was surprised to see the trio head into the cemetery. There, Yosuke talked to a young man, whom Naoto recognized as Konishi Naoki, and then they went to a certain grave site and lay their own bouquets of flowers there. Yu and Chie stood behind Yosuke, quiet and solemn.
"Ah… now I see." Naoto whispered in realization.
Nanako looked up at the woman, confused. "What's going on?"
"That is… today is April 15th." Naoto said quietly, "The day the second victim was found."
"The victim… you mean, about that strange murder case back then?" Nanako asked.
"Yes… from what I heard, Yosuke-san was very close to her…" Naoto trailed off. She was starting to realize exactly how little she knew about the team. "That's her brother, if I'm not mistaken. I interviewed him once, when I was on the case."
"Oh… so that's why." Nanako nodded, "We should… probably leave them, then."
"Yes, I agree."
They left the cemetery quickly, and Naoto wondered how strong those three had to be, to visit the markings of death every year and still walk away without crying.
Something she had yet to do.
.~.~.~.~.~.
The criminal succeeded with his sanity plea. He was sentenced to be confined to the mental asylum, and he would not be serving jail time for the attempted murder of his mother.
Naoto did not understand.
Eighteen years old and chasing a case that should have been obvious to the adults, she thought she should have understood. That's how she caught him after all. Kubo, Namatame, and Adachi had been similar. But as the case progressed, she began to see how wrong she was. The man was nothing like Kubo, Namatame, or Adachi. How did he get a sentence like this? She knew it was the best course of action, but…
This person… she did not understand.
He had passed lie detectors, acting as a distraught victim, evading the police for months, and still, when he was caught… he didn't seem sad or angry, and the only thing he regretted was that he didn't successfully kill his mother.
Why would he want to kill his mother?
She went to the mental asylum. He refused to talk to her. She talked to another patient, another man who had been a criminal sentenced there with an insanity plea. He seemed nicer, more cooperative. He easily answered her questions, at least, he tried to, since he didn't know much about the newcomer to the ward.
"He doesn't know what he's getting into," the old man told her, "Prison is better. You can get out of prison eventually, they tell you when. This place… it's prison. But you can't get out."
She gave him a strange look.
"Prison gives you time to think, makes you learn to regret what you've done. I've been there, a couple times. Then they finally put me here." The old man continued, "Here they make you think. Makes you think what you did wasn't wrong, because you aren't right. Your head ain't right. So it's not your fault. So you shouldn't regret it."
"And you…?"
"I've been in and out of prison enough to learn to deal with it. But they still won't let me out." He said sadly, "I am regretful. But when I tell them I've learned, and I won't do it again, they watch me, and then they say I'm depressed. And I'm sociopathic. And they won't let me out. They find excuses to not let me out."
"But… what about him?" Naoto glanced over to the man who had tried to kill his mother and failed, "He's been deemed sociopathic too, and psychopathic."
"I don't know why he tried to kill his old woman," the old man sighed, "but I do know this. This place will only drive him crazier, and he'll think he had the right to do what he did. If he doesn't already think that."
She went to talk to the man's doctor. He said, "He's ungrateful. He truly believes his mother dictated his life and he would do everything for her, but she still didn't acknowledge him. He said he did well in school and didn't join gangs or do drugs, and his records are clean. He even took care of her when she was sick, like a good son should. But he hates her. He truly hates his mother for everything she's done to him, apparently."
The mother had never laid a hand on her son. She loved him.
And still, hate had grown in the young man's petty heart.
"Do you think he'll get better?" Naoto asked.
"Honestly… it's hard to say." The doctor looked over to the old man she had been talking to before, "If he does, hopefully he won't try to kill his mother again. But… he could be like that man… and we can keep him here for a year, two, three, or more—and it will won't be enough. Some people will never change, and they will never get better… and they won't be able to live in a place with people in it."
"There are people here." The young detective frowned, "There are people all around here…" Did the doctor mean to say that the patients were no longer people? That was rather sad. And even if that was true… it seemed that the doctors themselves were no longer people. "Do you mean that they can't live outside?"
"That's subjective." The doctor replied.
"…That old man over there… has he really not changed, from when he first came?" Naoto asked.
"He's been a criminal his whole life—he's joined gangs, stolen things, killed people. He says he regretted it, but he's also a pathological liar… and even if he's lying to himself so much that he believes it, he's not stable enough to rejoin society." The doctor shrugged.
Naoto watched him walk off, and then her gaze trailed over to the old man, and then over to the young man she had helped convict to this life. The perspectives of the doctor and the perspectives of the patients were so different… she didn't know who to believe or trust.
All she wanted to do was understand the reasons behind their human nature—a nature so different from her own.
And when she told this to the old man, he said, "It's not as different as you think."
She looked toward the young man from before, then met the dark abyss of the old man's remorseful eyes.
"I've been here for over ten years… and even so… it's not enough to them. To me… I've spent my time regretting everything I've done… and I can't say how sorry I am. Do you believe me?"
Naoto regarded him carefully, and then nodded. She did believe him. It didn't matter if the doctor said he was a pathological liar. Something in her gut told her to at least believe this man—this man who no one had believed for ten years. Just because someone said he was lying, didn't mean he was.
"But even so… it's not enough." The old man sighed, "I can never be… sorry enough…"
Her gaze trailed back to the young criminal.
"Perhaps he'll never truly get better because people like that doctor refuse to believe he can get better." She reasoned, "Maybe he would be willing to change if someone would be patient enough to understand and help him."
"You can think all you want of him, but in the end, no matter how much time passes… you won't ever be able to understand him. People—humans are complex beings. They can never be truly understood or analyzed, like some sort of fact." The old man said, "It's best if you just left him be."
There was a long pause for thought.
"I can spend my whole life trying to understand… but you're right. There will never be enough time to understand."
Naoto turned and left. She never looked back.