I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Soul Meets Body: Death Cab For Cutie
She had, apparently, fainted. This was her conclusion. She blinked twice, adjusting to the dull florescent lights in the hospital. Her head hurt. Her body followed suit. The smell of burnt rubber stayed in her nose, as a reminder of what had happened prior to waking up in another unfamiliar bed.
Joey was sitting in a old armchair near her, the small tapping on his left foot echoed throughout the room. This drew her attention toward him. His gaze became fixed upon her. Silence. No screams of anger or happiness.
Just silence.
How she wanted to yell, cry, or scream. She realized yelling and screaming could very well involve crying so performing all three was a possibility.
Still silence.
There were too many words. Too many memories mixed in her head like the iced tea had been. The mixture was done so well that the alcohol was unrecognizable. She could not pick out one specific ingredient from another. Such was her memories.
"You passed out on the sidewalk. I got you here as soon as I could." He explained. His clothes were tattered, stained in oil. It had been apparent to her that he had tried to help others in the car accident. That was Joey, always helping people.
She could tell he wanted to say something. He had that look, the one where his nose became scrunched up and his lower lip disappeared underneath his front two teeth. She had wondered when she had learned what his facial expressions meant.
"I still remember." It was a small whisper, followed by a gulp.
He sighed, one of relief.
His shoulders dropped. His chest was pushed out slightly. He had looked almost comfortable standing there watching her.
He pulled the chair beside the bed. Instead of talking, his extended one hand and lightly held hers. She only looked at him, not grabbing back.
She knew sorry would not fix it. She was not sure what would. If she ever could, she figured, was a more plausible question.
"I'm glad you're okay."
He had to break the silence.
"We know I'm not okay." Her reply was curt, honest at the very least. He returned to biting his lower lip.
"I don't even know what to say." It was the truth. Words and sentences did not seem to want to automatically construct themselves, much to her dismay.
"What does your heart say?" He asked. It was such a Joey question to ask, she figured. She briefly wondered if he had been that way before meeting Yugi. She decided not. Her mind moved to other things. She did not really know Joey that well. It was always about her, saving her, making sure she is okay. Joey, she thought, was always very unselfish.
"I want to apologize. For everything." There was a silence in the air, one full of lost memories and emotions, one that capsized the whole room. It made her heart heavy and she wondered if it could literally break.
"But I can't. There isn't a way too. That's why I ran. That's why I keep running. Always running." She followed by nervous laughter, which was followed by tears. Mai hadn't cried so much in a long time. She couldn't hold it back anymore, and she wondered where all of the tears had come from.
She was always one for running. She did not want to do this, talk to him about this. This being everything. She wanted to run. When she was younger, and much stronger than now, she used to lace up her sneakers, pull her hair into a ponytail and run. She'd go until she practically collapsed on the side of the road. Of course someone who worked for her parents would always end up following her. Not like her parents had time to care. They only had time to pay someone to regulate her.
She always dreamed of being free, but wasn't sure what freedom she dreamed of. When she was dueling, she felt power. She felt force. She was in charge of her fate. She figured now that what she thought was freedom wasn't.
Maybe freedom was leaving life up to chance.
She could feel arms around her, but it was not registering. Joey had pulled her into a awkward embrace, and she was crying more that she had ever done.
She knew if she apologized right now, he would accept it. That was the beauty of Joey.
He seemed to almost love her.
But she knew she couldn't be loved. There wasn't enough left of her. She was a puzzle, with pieces lying on the floor. She had to pull herself together, one piece at a time.
So she didn't say anything.
Once the tears stopped, she had realized that her hand had a strong grip on Joey's and he was sitting on the bed.
"Mai." He started to say.
"Joey, I want to thank you. I never, I just, nobody has ever cared for me the way you do. And it just, it allows me to believe in people again. Hell, maybe I can believe in myself again."
"But?" He knew there was a catch. This epiphany had come on too fast, too strong.
"You can't be here. You have family and friends that care about you. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you."
"I care about you." He argued, hardly raising his voice. He knew she knew.
"Before I crashed, I was with someone. I need to make sure he's okay." It was short. To the point.
"He?" It was a small whisper.
"My friend, older guy. Um, bartender." She responded, unsure of his reaction. He only nodded, mostly to himself.
"So this is you trying to tell me to leave. Giving me the clear to go. The un-guilty way out." He observed. He did not want to leave, couldn't force himself to go. Instead of saying this, he only made up words, ones he hoped she could read between.
"I really don't know when we will get this right."
"When is better then if." Joey pointed out. A small smile crossed Mai's face at Joey's optimism. She wondered when he had developed it.
The next few hours were tedious ones full of paperwork, checking out of the hospital, catching a taxi and going to Mai's small apartment. All in silence.
Upon arriving, Mai went to her room to throw her purse on the bed and check her messages. Many were from work wondering where on Earth she had went and why hadn't she called. They needed her for some account and wanted her back immediately.
While she disappeared, Joey looked around. Her apartment, he decided, lacked her essence. It was bare, white walls, gray carpet. The fridge was basically empty (for he was exceptionally hungry). She had a small television, but no movies underneath it. He hadn't pictured her as the movie type anyway.
His eyes traveled to a small stand, and on it were only a few pictures. One of what he only guessed was her and her family when she was very young. She had that painted smile on, the one where her eyes are glazed over but she displays all of her teeth perfectly. He didn't know when he discovered what her different facial expressions meant.
Another was of her and Dartz's gang. She hadn't looked happy, sprawling out on a beach. She looked, empty. The others all held smiles, but Joey wasn't sure if they were genuine or not.
A different picture was of all of the duelists in Kaiba's tournament. Mokuba was included. Joey saw himself, standing next to Yugi. Mai, on the other hand, was in the other side of the crowd. She looked serious, almost mirroring Kaiba.
Joey's attention soon faded and he walked toward her bedroom. Mai was lying on her bed, staring at the small dots in the ceiling.
He only stood in the doorway, staring at her.
"I haven't finished counting them yet." Her voice sounded bored. He looked up, he figured there were thousands of dots. He figured Mai didn't sleep much.
"My head hurts." She added.
"That can happen after head trauma." He tried to sound clever. She smiled.
"Look at who's a doctor." She mocked. Slightly playful.
He had moved to sitting beside her on the bed, only staring at the closet.
"I think I should stay." He mentioned.
Inside, somewhere, she agreed. She wanted him to stay. Probably needed him in some instinctual way, but she didn't know why.
"I'm bad for you." The words came out slowly, like she had only realized it then. But she knew it all along. Ever since she met him on that ship. Only her intentions had started out originally evil.
Crush the friend to get to Yugi.
That was her plan. Of course it backfired because he was, to her surprise (and dismay at the time) good. Not at dueling, no that had come in time. But he was good. Inside. Where it mattered.
She figures that's why she had helped him. She wasn't looking for charity or friendship. But that's what she received, surprisingly. It didn't make sense to her, she didn't deserve it.
"I don't think so." The reply jarred her out of her thoughts.
She simply sighed in disagreement. She knew the truth if he was to blind to admit it. He knew it as well, he had to, she figured.
"You can stay tonight." The response shocked Joey.
Mai figured she would give into her selfish tendencies once more. One more time. Like that last shot of whiskey before going into rehab. Because she had to let him go, it was better this way. But she couldn't do it yet. Just one more day.
"So I'm really hungry." He mentioned, joking about it. His stomach made a rumbling sound, but she lacked the energy to do anything about it.
"I want to take a nap." The past few days had taken a toll on her. She needed sleep, but not just sleep, rest. Joey had taken the subtle hint and laid beside her on the bed looking for words but overall giving up on that idea. Instead they just laid there.
It wasn't the most romantic or passionate moment in his life. Or hers. Just silence. But it was a silence that she was comfortable with. It had been so long since she was comfortable with anything. Or anyone.
She knew, she thought anyhow, that she should have tried to say something. To spit out some pathetic apology or to ask for forgiveness. That wasn't their style.
Instead she closed her eyes, and muttered something along the lines of, "I'm glad you saved me."
Everything that they had gone through, most of her life, felt dream like. As if she was watching something else happen to someone else. Someone else who made many negative life decisions more that they should.
He snorts in his sleep, she discovered. He seemed more tired then her. The realization hit her head on. He's probably tired of saving her, although she even knows that's not true, but she tells herself it anyway.
She turned to face him, studying his facial features. Upon discovery, she decided, that he looked more at ease than he had in the prior days. Her eyelids were heavy, and she let sleep capture her, holding on to the feeling that maybe things would be alright after all.
The beeping of the alarm clock startled her from her slumber. The dream she had she can't remember, and gives up hopes of trying.
She sat up confused. She didn't remember setting the alarm clock. Especially for six in the morning. It was Sunday, she did not work on Sunday.
"Maybe Joey set it." She mumbled sleepily.
She had turned to ask him but that side of the bed was empty. There were no signs of him, and she found it odd that the blanket wasn't the bit wrinkled. Whereas, on her side, it was evident someone had been there. Prior to laying on the bed the blanket was tight, wrinkleless.
She called out his name, clumsily flicking on the lights. There wasn't any sign of him. She knew he wouldn't leave without telling her. He couldn't.
She walked back to her room to find her answering machine empty. She didn't delete any messages.
She crossed the living room to open the fridge to find it full of food. As full as she filled it anyway. She briefly remembered Joey muttering about starving.
Her eyes are drawn to the calendar, and it occurred to her that she is unsure of what day it is. She assumed it was Sunday. She flicked on the television to the news. The newscaster with the husky voice announced that it was Friday. He then continued to discuss about a famous doctor (Richard something, Mai wasn't paying attention) who was working on memory recovery.
Mai sat on her couch. Had it been a full week since she was out?
She was unsure.
She watched as the sun began to peek from the cloud, enlightening the population.
Her head ached, longing to understand.
"Was it a dream?" Could she have been dreaming? It seemed unlikely to her that Joey, a man of many words (usually loud ones in speech form), would have left her without saying goodbye. That was her style. He would have at least left a note, due to his stubbornness about leaving in the first place.
She glanced around her body, she did not have any cuts or bruises.
It did not make sense.
Not that her life usually made sense.
She wanted to call him. She wanted to find him. She also wanted to know if she was crazy. Because, as of that moment, she felt so.
"Must have been a dream."
Mai was used to having lifelike dreams. Dreams that engulfed her, chewed on her, and spit her back out to the world. She couldn't tell what was real, and what was an illusion. A madman's trick.
She gulped.
"What now?"
She knew her apartment was empty. She knew asking questions to the air was pointless. Her mind wondered. Part of her wanted to call work, take the day off, and (as insane as it sounded), find Joey Wheeler. Another part of her wanted to go to work, pretend this event never happened and continue with life.
She laughed. She's tried that before. Living as if nothing happened. It seems that in the end, her dreams always win out, and dreams as she has lived to discover are rather difficult to run away from. She can run from friends, family, but not herself.
Even though, from some odd point, she figured that that was what her dream was about. Her getting the chance to be someone new, but not taking it. Instead, she was with Joey.
It occurred to her, on several accounts, all of her life seemed to led to Joey. No matter what road she traveled on, what country she resided in, everything led to him.
This epiphany led her to act upon her original idea.
Taking work off was easy. Leaving her apartment was easier. Navigating through the airport full of busy people with busier lives was in comparison to her task, easy. She never cared for planes, but her mind wouldn't allow her to focus on her fear.
She sat in second class, last minute plane tickets, she learned, are somewhat difficult to come by. The woman next to her had a small child. The child had a tendency to scream every five seconds, causing the woman to sigh and scold in lower tones. This occurred the whole plane ride, leaving Mai glad that she had no children to call her own.
When she arrived, it was night. It was also somewhat chilly, the brisk air something she really hadn't prepared for.
Not that she prepared. Her clothes were quickly packed, probably wrinkled by now. She dumped them in some hotel room that she reserved over the Internet. As she searched for a jacket from her suitcase, she realized she had no plan.
It was all chance.
She had never really been one to plan. But she was never one to completely act without any thought whatsoever. She always had some general idea. Aside from knocking on Joey's front door, her plan stopped.
She hoped he was alone. That he could understand. That he missed her. That he didn't hate her.
She sighed. This had to be a bad idea. She couldn't have traveled across the world to talk to someone about a bad dream.
Mai, luckily, had remembered where Joey lived.
But that's not where she went. She needed to press pause, to stop. She needed to think.
There was this one spot, it overlooked some form of water, she wasn't sure, and at the right time of night it was beautiful. The moonlight colored the water. Mai was always fond of night. Well, she used to be.
She hadn't appreciated the stars in a long time. She spent so much time trying to escape the darkness. Lately though, she was coming to find that it was a part of her. That she was trying to run away from something she simply couldn't.
She placed her bag beside her, and sat on the edge of the pier. The idea of jumping crossed her mind on more that one occasion. Honestly she was not going to do it. Not after traveling half way around the world. But she fantasized about it. The feel of the cold water against her. A shivering feeling that would travel up her spine. The feeling of her clothes pressed tightly against her skin, adding on additional weight that would drag her down unless she fought it.
Mai hated how even her mind tried to free her from her problems.
She knew that perhaps sitting on a pier in the middle of the night in Domino was not the most brilliant idea. She was very aware of this, but part of her knew she could handle herself. The other part simply didn't care.
She heard footsteps behind her. She knew she should have looked, but didn't. As they arrived closer, she didn't budge.
Her eyes were fixed upon the stars. A world bigger than hers.
The idea has given her hope, it always had. Although odd, when she was young, she would lie on the grass in the courtyard. Alone. In the middle of the night. She would gaze for hours, taking comfort that the stars were sprinkled throughout a huge sky, one that was shared by everyone. That maybe somebody, somewhere, was just as alone as she was. Knowing she wasn't the only one who wasn't alone let her carry on.
She wondered when that hadn't become enough.
"Mai?"
Her name was spoken softly. Like a question. She didn't look, didn't physically respond. She wasn't ready to tear herself away.
"Hi Joey."
She hated herself. She traveled across the world, to mutter "hi Joey".
She was never very good with words. Or surprises. She liked being in control, having the upper hand. She needed a plan, and she didn't have one.
She didn't have a speech about friendship or forgiveness or a neatly wrapped apology with a bow on top. Instead, she had a suitcase with wrinkled clothes and illusions about jumping off into piers.
She could tell, without looking, he was displacing his weight from foot to foot. He did that when he was nervous. He sat next to her, avoiding her face, speechless.
"I had a bad dream." The words sounded stupid, even to her.
"What happened?"
He would ask, without a beat. No arguing, no yelling, no long speeches about her horrible actions, just a short question.
She wanted to yell at him for not yelling at her. Confusing. She knew.
"You were in it. It made me realize a lot of things."
"Such as?"
She figured she should have explained everything. EVERYTHING. Everything that went wrong everyday since she left. The first time. Everything since Dartz.
There weren't enough words for her to describe her actions. Maybe she just wasn't aware of them. But she wanted to be.
Before she knew it, the words were spilling out of her mouth. She wanted to stop, tried to stop, stumbled over sentences a few times, but her dream kept trying to push itself out.
Joey sat patiently. He could only stare at her.
"Which brought me here to you. Because I know I said I'd be better. But I'm not. I can't. I've tried, and I still give into the darkness. And I'm selfish. But I missed you." Her gaze turned to the star, praying that maybe she wasn't crazy. Praying that this wasn't a bad idea.
"I've had dreams about you too."
"And buffalo wings, but that's only because I was dared to eat half of my body weight in wings. Bad idea." He added. He was always trying to brighten the mood.
"I knew you'd be back." His voice sounded so sure.
And that was it.
"You did?" Part of her knew too. Somehow the two of them were intertwined. It didn't make sense, she was bad for him. But maybe, just maybe, he could bring enough good out in her to make her okay. For herself. For him.
"Yeah. When you were ready. I know we betrayed you. I did. But, the past is the past. I tried to save you, you tried to undo what you did. I wish you wouldn't have left again. I understood, nobody else really did. But I did."
She wanted to cry. To let go of everything she ever felt. She didn't though.
"Plus, I'm undeniable."
A smile crept onto her face. She could feel her eyes lift up.
Maybe there was a part of the darkness that was okay. That's how they found each other. In the darkness. But he was the light she needed. She thirsted for. And for a brief second, she didn't want to run away. She wanted time to stop. To pause this moment, with the stars and the pier and the way his eyes met her's. She didn't need to apologize. She didn't need to beg for forgiveness. She would, in time. She knew that explaining everything to Yugi and the rest would be tearful and complicated.
She knew that she was bad.
Even so, he made her want to try. To be better.
And maybe, because of this, she would be okay. And she would learn to accept herself. Sitting on the pier with him, made her happier than she had been in a while. This freedom she was searching for, this place she had been running toward, maybe it was this spot. This spot of realization, where light meets darkness, this spot of acceptance. It occurred to her that things could be okay, in time.
He smiled at her. It was evident to her that he had missed her. Probably more than she had missed him. Although Joey was a man of words, he didn't mind sitting in the silence with her. He grabbed her hand lightly. She gave a small smile. This wasn't an illusion.
Maybe for once in her life, she made the right choice.
Maybe.
The End