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Lost in bright city lights
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Chapter Ten – Hidden truth
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With no reason left to hold onto where life was taking her prior to her parents' deaths, Kate Beckett stumbles into a different world. Can she keep herself and her emotions buried deep or will everything crack open when fate throws Rick Castle her way? An AU Caskett meeting. Ficathon 2014 Entry.
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"Did you ever think, Kate, that your life was supposed to be very different? And yet, somehow it was all taken from you. That you lost it all."
Her eyes close. She doesn't think that. She knows it.
There are so many moments throughout each day, throughout each night when the what ifs of life crawl under her skin, eat her alive. If her father hadn't stumbled in front of the cab, if her mother had of been with them like she was supposed to… If there was just one person last year that could have thrown her a lifeline, save her from this destiny.
But there wasn't and now, now it's far too late for wishful thinking. Her life is what it is.
"How was your life supposed to be different, Rick?"
Elevating both shoulders, he shrugs, appears almost reluctant. It's as if it took all his courage to get her up here, to show her the baby furniture, but the actual explanation of its origins are too much to verbalize.
They're really not that different after all.
Brushing her knuckles across the back of his and getting no reaction, she tries again, this time drifting around his hand until their palms face each other. She slides her fingers in between each of his, curls them up so she can squeeze tight, remind him that she's here.
"I was supposed to be a dad." His fingers contract, squeezing her back, but then so does the rest of his body, the tension rolling off him. "I was young, enjoying life a little too much, and…"
His head angles toward her, his gaze connecting with hers, and she lifts an eyebrow. He was young?
"Okay. I was younger, and these days going from party to party is something I enjoy a hell of a lot less. Although, even then I guess I was reeling from a breakup that broke my heart, a first love that ended up with me searching the bottom of a bottle for something."
"Did you find it?"
He offers a slight upward tug of his lips even though his head shakes, indicates no, and yeah, she didn't think that was possible either.
"At some point I hooked up with an actress, and for a couple of months we had fun. And then one day Meredith called me in tears."
Letting go of her fingers, he returns to the crib, holding onto it as if it's the only thing keeping him afloat, a desperate man clinging to the last life preserver.
Maybe he is?
"I went to her right away, had taken three whole steps into her place before she told me what had happened. In her words, where it had all gone wrong."
Kate doesn't require her unfinished law degree to work out what had gone wrong for the two of them.
"She was pregnant."
It makes sense now, why he wouldn't fuck her without protection on their first meeting. Why he'd dusted his hand low on her stomach as he - in a roundabout way - confided that Meredith had destroyed something that was wanted. Something that he had wanted.
A chance at a different life.
"Yeah. And hell, I don't think I'd ever been so scared in all my life. I was still a child myself, still living a life that was well and truly in the fast lane. I mean, how was I supposed to be a father?"
Slumping his shoulders, his body lists forward but his arms prevent him from falling too far, his grip on the baby's crib the only thing appearing to keep him upright.
"I think you'd be a great dad."
Her whispered words exit and her eyes close. Damn it, what a way to twist the knife further into his already bleeding heart.
"Thanks." Rick's reply is just as quiet and she peers through her lashes, watches his face.
"It took about ten minutes after she'd broken the news for me to realize something very important."
Letting go of the crib, he turns, rests his rear against the railing as his arms lift, crossing over his chest, and her heart thunders loud in her ears over what he's about to reveal.
"I realized that I wanted this baby. And the rest - the rest was just details."
A sigh fills the room, his body almost relaxing as he stares across it, and her gaze follows his. Not that she can see the moment, she lacks the ability to conjure up the memory, but she can picture him clearly. The smile that would have stretched across his face, the glow that would have radiated at the thought of all the possibilities that come with being a parent.
He really would be amazing.
"What did you do next?"
"I got down on one knee and proposed. Promised her, and the baby, the world. Swore that she would never want for anything, that I'd be there for the both of them. That we'd be a family."
Pushing off, he trudges across the room, draws the curtains aside to peer into the night sky, and the silhouette that he creates screams of the destroyed man he masks so well.
Two peas that they are, in one very broken pod.
"Meredith didn't want to get married?" She seeks the details, needs the rest of the story. He's enthralled her, and any and all prior thoughts of not wanting to know more about him have been burned by her curiosity.
"Oh, no. She said yes. And the next day, while out ring shopping, I stumbled upon this loft." Turning to look over his shoulder, he smiles, the memory of that day, the joy, shines like the brightest star of all. "I knew, the moment I saw it, I knew that it was the perfect family home. That it was fate. Magic."
He looks back toward the window, and her head drops. She disagrees. Fate. No. Sometimes, someone high above just has a damn good laugh at your expense.
"It took all I had. My savings. The investments that I'd made with the first books. But I had enough to make a down payment, had enough to secure a loan. By that afternoon it was mine. Ours."
His voice lowers as he explains and her feet move of their own accord, edging closer, reducing the gap between them until he's close enough to touch.
Not that she does.
"I was so excited as I waited for everything to be finalized, but I managed to keep it a secret, keep the surprise to myself, even if I had to stay away from Meredith for a bit until everything was ready. I barely saw her, and when I did, I was in my own haze. I wasn't... paying attention. At the time it was the longest three weeks of my life, even with the lawyers working all day on my behalf."
Rick's head angles forward until the glass prevents him from moving anymore. Each puff of air he exhales creates a halo of condensation on the window before it disappears. Fades away.
"The funny thing is I remember it all like it was yesterday, slightly ironic because for the life of me, I generally can't remember what happened yesterday." The chuckle that exits is anything but funny and her lips squeeze together lest she say as much.
"I was ten feet tall walking away with the keys in my pocket. Knew that everything had fallen into place for a reason. A good reason. And as I headed toward Meredith's I passed a baby store. That's fate."
Given where she's standing, her head shakes vehemently even if he can't see it. How does he call this fate?
"Inside I saw the matching set of furniture. The crib, the change table, and the dresser. It was perfect, sitting there on display and I bought it on the spot. Ordered the set and organized for delivery."
Stretching a hand to his left, he ghosts a finger across the wooden surface of the dresser, a clear line forming amid the dust.
"When I got to Meredith's I convinced her to come with me, even managed to do a big reveal, a hand over her eyes as I opened the front door. I was so damn elated."
She swallows the "What happened next?" as Rick goes quiet, pushes down her own desire for the story, she already knows what happened. Except her breaths become short rasps, the thump inside her ears increasing - how did it happen next?
"Meredith was upset. Went on about not needing a place in New York. LA was where she needed to be. Earlier in the week she'd accepted a part that she'd auditioned for months ago. And I remember being so utterly devastated. I thought we were going to be a family under this roof." He spins on the spot and she steps back at his actions, takes another one under the hopelessness that bleeds from his features.
"She'd had an abortion. The TV role needed her from August through to April and the baby was due in October." His words crack by the end and her mouth opens, yet nothing comes out.
What is there to say?
"I would've stayed home. I could have been a dad and an author. Gone to parks in the early days. Done homework in the afternoons as time went on. We could've had movie nights and ice cream sundaes as big as your head."
His mouth shifts into a smile, his eyes bright as they meets hers before it all slips away and she has no doubt that his declaration is true. He would have been amazing.
Walking to where she stands, he lifts a thumb, drifts it across the arch of her cheekbone and while there are a million things she should say to him, a million ways to express how she understands the hole that exists inside of him because of the hole that exists inside her own chest, nothing comes out.
She has no words.
Her lips turn upward as she forces them into a smile, hopefully something that is reassuring, and he mimics her actions before leaning toward her, his mouth brushing the skin on her forehead.
"So, that's my story… I…" His head drops, and as her gaze searches for the rest of the sentence in the lines of his face, she reads nothing but blank pages, and after all that he has shown her, the fact that he's hiding from her now hurts more than it should.
Her fingers begin to tremble, her skin rippling, it's hurting more than it should because the reason she doesn't hurt at all dissolved hours ago.
For a little while she'd forgotten about it.
"Thank you, Kate, for having dinner with me." Again he smiles, but it doesn't alter his face, there's no light in his eyes, and with another soft kiss against her forehead, he turns, walks from the room that never saw his baby.
What does she do now?
The question is moot though, she has no choice. She's going to walk down the stairs, grab the disc with her photos and walk out the front door. She's going to walk away without a backward glance, without seeing that shattered look in his eyes, without feeling anything, because what he revealed, the story that has her falling to pieces on the inside, doesn't change who she is.
It doesn't change all the ways that she can't let him in. All the ways that his touch brings her to life. All the ways his smile inspires one of her own. All the ways that he is trouble for her heart.
Closing the door behind her, she silently takes each step down the stairs, tiptoes across the living area, making it to the door of his office before reality crashes down on her.
He sits in his desk chair, half turned away, a bottle of whiskey in his hand, a glass apparently overrated, and for all that she should be heading back to her apartment - her own body is beginning to scream for its oblivion - the sight of him turning to his crutch leaves her swallowing hard.
Is this what she looks like, eyes glazed over as she waits for the black abyss to take it all away?
Take her away.
Closing the gap between them, she reaches for the bottle, pulls it free of his grip. He doesn't resist, the whiskey coming freely to her chest and she cradles it between her breasts, her unblinking stare steady on his face.
She's standing with her back to all the things she was going to do, all the ways she can play it safe, but as he lifts his vacant eyes, his body unmoving in the chair, she faces a different option.
What exactly would she be running from?
The bottle thumps loudly as she releases it onto the desk's surface, her eyes fixed on his, and with her free hands, she grasps the material at his shoulders, grips tight as she lifts a knee, resting it precariously on the edge of his chair.
Frozen in place, he doesn't react, and, taking this as a sign of acceptance, she leans forward, her fingers pushing down on the broad expanse of his shoulders as she elevates herself high off the ground, both knees now bearing her weight.
She can't give him her words, the truth of her past, the jagged edges of those wounds are far too raw, but this, this she can give him.
His head tilts back, maintains their unwavering stare, his fingers sliding behind her knee, and as the warmth of his skin inches higher and higher, each intake of air becomes so much harder for her to manage.
She ghosts her mouth across his, barely a touch but as her head edges away, he pushes himself forward into her, his lips hard against her own and she opens wide, her teeth clashing against his as her tongue seeks access.
His fingers knead the flesh of her rear, a shudder rippling across her skin and with a sharp tug of her silk panties, he has her hips jerking, chasing the sensation.
The material pulls tighter between her thighs, but its not enough, not even close to what she is aching for, nowhere near satisfying. It's not him.
Fuck, she wants him.
Dropping her hands, her fingers slide down his shirt, over each button, until she reaches the top of his jeans, reaches him. The low muscles of her abdomen contract, her thighs rocking as her mouth greedily moves against his.
She wants him now. Inside.
Her lips close, her neck arching back, and while his head follows hers, she remains determined. She's not having a repeat of their last time, regardless of how glorious it was.
"You have protection here?"
With knowledge comes understanding and the experience that he'd lived through won't be repeated by her.
"Yeah."
Standing, he draws her close to his chest, her legs entwining around his hips, and, placing her mouth against his neck, she scatters kiss after kiss on all that she has access to, her heart pounding fast in her ears.
She's perched on the edge of another abyss, toes curling over the rim, but as her eyes close, she throws her arms wide, welcomes the rush against her skin as she steps off her own self-imposed cliff, breaks all of her own rules.
And falls. Hard.
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As we reach the half way mark I want to thank you all for the amazing support and to pass on all the cuddles especially for those hearts that were broken xoxo
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Thank you to Jo and Jamie for all that you do for me xoxo
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Thank you for reading xoxo