Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Fix You.
Note: Thanks to the reviewer (I cannot recall your name right now, I'm so sorry) that suggested I use this song. I like it much better than the one I was going to use here. I know you're all wondering who this mysterious blonde figure is…well, you're about to find out. As usual, reviews are quite nice.
Kurt woke up, half-expecting to find himself in Hell, or else in Purgatory, before remembering that he didn't believe in either such place. He blinked against the harsh florescent lights. "Where am I?" he groaned, expecting to find some demon leering down at him.
"You're in the hospital, Kurt," a soft voice said from next to him. "Thank God, you're awake."
Kurt struggled to sit up and turn towards the source of the voice, suddenly aware that there was an IV line in his arm. "Ugh," he flopped back down against the pillows. A pale, soft hand closed over his own. Kurt looked down at it, then looked up at the person who belonged to it. "Quinn?"
"Hi," she whispered.
"What…what are you doing here?" Kurt blinked at her confusedly.
"Kurt…I was in the cemetery…when you tried to…" she broke off, brushing her hair back from her face. "I was visiting my grandfather, when I heard someone singing in the distance. I walked towards it, seeing that it was you. I thought nothing of it, and started walking away, when I heard you cry out in pain. That's when I saw all the blood pouring out of your arm…" she broke off again, trying to collect herself. "And I panicked. You'd passed out by the time I reached out, so I called 911, and…and…oh, God, I was so scared…you lost so much blood, Kurt, it's a wonder you're still alive…why?"
"Why what?" Kurt's head began to uncloud as he looked up at the girl who had saved his life.
"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Quinn whispered, grasping his hand.
"You wouldn't understand," Kurt stared off into the distance, not noticing the tear slide down her cheek.
"I can try," Quinn reached out to turn his face towards him. "Does it have to do with Puck?" Kurt stiffened. "I know how he can be," Quinn reminded him. "But…no guy or girl is worth killing yourself over, Kurt. Don't you know how many people you would've hurt…if you'd died?"
"No," Kurt shook his head, casting his eyes downward to the stitches that ran up the length of his arm. "I don't know. Puck wouldn't have cared, or…or anyone else in Glee..."
Quinn shook her head. "I would've cared. Kurt, I know we haven't always gotten along…but you were one of the only people that didn't judge me when I was pregnant. You even took me shopping for maternity clothes. I'll never forget how kind and generous you were."
Another figure walked over, and this time, Kurt could see them clearly. "Sam?"
"I, um, I drove here when I heard the news," the blonde boy shoved his hand in his pockets. "You know how Quinn dumped Finn and Santana and I broke up? Well…Quinn and I got back together," he said, blushing a little. "Anyway, she and I…we wanted to do something for you."
"Why?" Kurt made a face.
"To help you," Quinn said as Sam put a hand on her shoulder. "To show you that someone—two someone's-care about you." Sam pulled out his guitar. "Please listen to what we have to say, Kurt," Quinn begged him gently. "Please…" Sam began to play a lovely melody as Quinn lifted her soprano voice to sing softly.
When you try your best, but don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Kurt shook his head. Why are they singing to me? Why do they care? Why isn't No…Kurt forced himself to stop thinking about Puck. I never succeed. I never get what I want or what I need. I need someone to love me the way I am and not leave me. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. Someone who would've actually let me take my life today. I'm so tired…just let me sleep, guys. Just let me sleep forever.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love something, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Of course it could be worse. You could be me, Kurt thought. Of course he was empathetic towards Quinn. How could he not be? She had gotten pregnant in high school, after all. Pregnant by…Kurt closed his eyes briefly, not wanting to think about the fact that the person he loved most in the world had a child, a baby girl with Quinn Fabray, a baby that they'd given up…that Quinn had given up. Still, he thought with disdain, it could be worse. You could lose the people you love to death. You could go through the hell I've been through in the past six months. You could've been raped more times than you want to count.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Why do they all want to fix me? Can't they see that I can't be fixed? Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken…not broken…Kurt looked down at his arm again, at the criss-cross stitches up and down his arm. He looked up at the IV that was seeping into his veins, seeing, on closer glance, that it was full of blood; a blood transfusion. Ugh, he thought, looking at the stitches once more. That was gonna leave one hell of a scar, a bigger one than he'd ever made before, one that would always, always be there to remind him.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Kurt was too in love with Puck. He was so in love, and he couldn't let it go. Kurt was head-over-heels-over head again, and no matter how much he willed himself to forget about Puck, to pretend that the Mohawked boy had never taken him in his arms and told him that he loved him, he couldn't. The memory was already burned into his soul, into Kurt's skin. He didn't know what he was worth. They'd tried to show him, but he reused to look and to listen to them. Quinn and Sam were trying it right now, and Kurt was staring off into the distance, barely listening to them as they tried to ground him.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Quinn shot Sam a worried glance as he plucked the strings of his guitar. Kurt clearly was choosing not to listen to them. Quinn sighed. Didn't he see how much they cared for him? She could've left him there to die…but that was not in Quinn Fabray's body, to ignore people in need, even people like Kurt who clearly were very, very disturbed. She hoped Puck would arrive soon; she'd called him as soon as she knew Kurt was going to survive.
"Puck? Kurt's in the hospital…he just tried to…kill himself…"
"I'll be right there," he'd hung up, leaving her to wonder.
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…
Kurt couldn't replace his mother, although Carole had tried to. As much as Kurt loved Carole, she was not his mother, and never would be. She was Finn's mother, and always would be. Finn could not, Kurt could now see, replace the sibling he never had. How Kurt wished Grace had survived…he'd always wanted a sister, not a brother. He couldn't replace her, either, nor could he replace his friends that had left him, nor could he ever, ever replace Noah Puckerman. Noah Puckerman was irreplaceable.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…
What mistakes? The only mistake that Quinn could've learned from was Beth. And why would she promise me that? Kurt shook his head, not wanting to look at her or at Sam. Maybe she'd intended those lyrics for him. In that case, Kurt did not want to learn from his mistakes. Kurt wanted to keep making them, over and over again, until finally he succeeded—and by succeed, he meant died. He wouldn't stop until he was gone from this Earth.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
"Kurt," Puck came running in to the room. "Oh, God, you're alive," he ran to Kurt's bedside. "I was so scared…so scared…when Quinn called me, I thought…" he choked out a sob. "I thought you were dead, Kurt…don't ever scare me like that again!"
"Noah," Kurt rasped. "You care."
"Of course I care," Puck whispered. "I know I ran out on you yesterday, but…you have to understand…you hurt me, Kurt. I thought you didn't care about me."
"I do care," Kurt murmured. "More than anything, I care about you."
"Well leave you alone," Sam started to lead Quinn out of the room, slinging his guitar over his back.
"Thanks for…" Puck nodded at Quinn.
"Of course," she said quietly. "I'd do anything for a friend."
Puck turned his attention back to Kurt. "Babe…why?"
Kurt forced out a laugh. "Like I haven't been asked that already today. My dad apparently 'forgot' to mention that I have a dead sister, that's all. Oh, and my mother's dead, my best friend is dead, my other best friend has been ignoring me for her girlfriend, and I was forced to break up with my boyfriend because this kid at school keeps harassing the fuck out of me and I couldn't take it anymore."
"Wait," Puck held up a hand. "Back up to the dead sister part."
Kurt sighed. "Apparently, I had a sister. She died before I was even born, of a heart condition. She would've been like, twenty today or whatever, and my dad never mentioned it to me before."
Puck winced. "I'm so sorry…what was her name?"
"Grace," Kurt whispered. "Her name was Grace. She was two."
"God, Kurt," Puck squeezed his hand. "I'm so freaking sorry…I should've never…I should've been gentler with you, not tried to get you to go…further. And as for Karofsky…I should've protected you more…I failed you as a boyfriend. Kurt…when I got that call from Quinn earlier…I was so scared…I love you so much, and I have to hear that you've tried to kill yourself…"
Kurt flinched, but then softened. "You still love me?"
"Of course I do," Puck leaned in and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
"Scars and all?"
Puck nodded. "Scars and all. Promise me…you'll never attempt something like this…ever again."
Kurt swallowed. "I promise," he said finally. "I love you, too."