Guys, I am so. Sorry. I never meant for this update to come so late, but then I slept for sixteen hours and that messed up my whole day, and then I realized that I forgot to write an entire scene in this chapter. So...whoops.

10

In the days following his talk with Steve, a strange feeling grows in the pit of Bucky's stomach. He can't pin it down; even James is useless at identifying it, and Bucky doesn't want to burden Steve with anything else so he keeps it quiet and waits for it to either go away or provide a reason for existing.

It doesn't.

"Hey, Buck."

Bucky glances up from his bowl of cereal, raising an eyebrow at Steve's flushed but pleased expression. "Why are you so happy?"

Steve grins like the world exists just for him today. "Woke up on the right side of the bed, I guess. We're doing group training today. Wanna join in?"

Bucky chews and swallows, turning the offer over in his head.

"Won't hurt," James says. "'Sides, you haven't done combat training since you warmed up with Steve that one time. Might be good to do some stuff other than individual workouts and shooting practice."

Valid points. Bucky meets Steve's eyes again. "I need a minute to change."

"Meet you in the training room?"

"Yeah."

When Bucky gets to the training room a few minutes later—wearing his usual combat gear, no doubt placed in his quarters after the robot attack—the rest of the Avengers are already there. Steve, Stark, and Romanoff are discussing something in the middle of the room while Banner, Barton, and Thor chat amicably to one side. They are all dressed to fight; Banner is wearing a very stretchy-looking pair of pants, the only outlier in the room otherwise bristling with weapons and body armor.

"Hey, it's the Manchurian Candidate!"

Bucky looks at Stark with a flat stare.

"What, nothing? Cap, you two have really got to work on your movie experience."

"I'll keep that in mind," Steve says dryly. "Buck, come over here?"

Bucky walks over, returning Barton's nod of acknowledgement along the way. Ever since the hot chocolate conversation, they have kept up a steady kind of friendship that relies more on actions than words. It mostly involves just sitting in the same room, though Bucky has had shooting competitions against Barton three times now.

"So, Terminator," Stark says, rubbing his metal-covered hands together, "we have a bit of a routine we're used to, so the plan is for you to observe for however long you need and then for you to jump in where necessary. The robots are going to be shooting actual energy bursts today - low power, of course, but enough to hurt - and since you don't have a shield like Cap I'd suggest avoiding them. Capisce?"

Bucky nods.

"You grabbed your weapons from the lockers outside here, right?" Romanoff asks.

"Why does it matter?" Bucky asks. Guns are guns. But Stark makes a funny face and Steve coughs.

"The ones in here are modified to shoot the energy bolts," Stark says when he gets his expression under control. "They'll disable the robots only if they hit the right spot or if you hit the robot enough times. Accuracy training."

And avoiding friendly fire, which no one mentions. Bucky wants to feel annoyed; he knows how to shoot a gun and he's fucking good at it. He doesn't need accuracy training, nor does anyone in this room with the possible exception of Banner.

"It's fine," James says. So Bucky lets it go.

"They're from the lockers," he says. Romanoff nods.

"Good."

Ridiculous.

The Avengers take positions around the room as the simulation begins. Barton finds a platform on the far wall that is nearly invisible from the floor while Stark shoots into the air. Though Wilson isn't here, Bucky suspects he would do the same.

"Initiating Avengers training module level three. Introducing enemies," JARVIS says. Panels in the floor lower and then rise again with androids standing on them. The machines are nicer than the ones Steve trained against the last time, and when Romanoff decapitates one with an energy weapon Bucky can see it spark as the lights in its eyes flicker and die. Stark takes out another two while Thor and Steve work together to take out an entire quarter of the available force. Robot parts go flying and Bucky tilts his head just enough to avoid getting hit by a stray leg. He watches how the Avengers function, cataloguing their patterns.

Steve and Thor are the heavy hitters, with Romanoff working to cover their backs and Barton keeping an eye on everything and calling out weaknesses or problems over the comms. Stark is a veritable tank, supporting anyone that needs it or, in the absence of that, challenging large groups on his own and destroying them with his technology.

And then the Hulk appears.

Bucky watches, part of his brain reminding him that the Hulk does not just appear. He comes from Banner, who must have been waiting for Barton to give the word.

If Steve and Thor are tanks, then the Hulk is a nuclear warhead. He smashes through anything and everything in his way, shrugging off laser fire even though Bucky can see the burns marking his green skin. The Avengers adjust immediately; the Hulk takes point, breaking robots as they come while Steve and Thor cover his flanks. Romanoff keeps up her previous task but focuses more on any blind spots. Stark targets machines the three biggest fighters can't reach, while Barton calmly plants arrows in the eyes of any machine that slips through the cracks.

It's impressive teamwork. All three of the main roles the Winter Soldier can play - sniper, support, tank - are already filled. But Bucky knows tactical flexibility, so he watches for another minute just to be sure of his previous observations.

(Some of this is familiar. He suspects that HYDRA had him study the Avengers before. Why, he can guess.)

"Beginning level four," JARVIS says as the last of the blue robots fall to pieces. Once more, robots rise from the floor. Only this time, they have red slashes across their metal armor - armor that is bulkier than it was before.

Bucky has more time to observe, so he does. These new robots are noticeably tougher than their predecessors. Only Hulk and Thor appear to be able to permanently down them with one strike, though if Steve strikes them in the right spot with his shield then he can too.

After sixteen more seconds of combat, Bucky checks his sniper rifle and decides that he will be the secondary sniper. From this angle, he can attack more enemies that Barton can't easily shoot. He and Barton may end up hitting the same targets, but after their many shooting competitions Bucky is confident that those instances will be few and far between.

He takes down four robots with three shots and hears them commenting over the comms, but he is focused and so only responds when it's necessary. Stark is still obnoxious, but he is focused on the fight.

Bucky shoots a robot about to fire at Steve. It goes down with a smoking hole right where its heart would be. When it twitches again on the floor, Bucky puts a bullet through its head.

"Initiating level five," JARVIS says.

Now the robots have yellow armor. Some of them carry weapons other than rifles. One has a rocket launcher that releases a concussive blast on whatever it hits, strong enough to make even the Hulk pause. Bucky knows a blow like that would at the very least bruise ribs on a normal person.

The Hulk bats that robot into the ceiling.

Bucky and Barton have the entire room covered between them, but with the addition of new kinds of enemies Bucky has to shift positions. He warns the group and prepares to move, but freezes when he hears Steve shout in pain. Bucky spins around so fast some of his hair comes loose from its bun. He's shot the offending robot three times—head, heart, head again—before he processes that he has the rifle raised. Steve is wincing, favoring his right leg and saying something about watching his left.

Dammit.

Bucky grits his teeth. He finds a new location and puts holes in the robots. He stops paying attention to Barton and the rest. He just wants those metal assholes to fall.

One of his shots is apparently too close to one of his allies. They reprimand him over the comms. Bucky ignores them; the redhead is fine.

Level six is even worse. Some of the robots have experimental invisibility tech. It isn't enough to do more than blur them and make Bucky's eyes hurt to look at them, but it's annoying. One tries to sneak up on Bucky and, since Bucky runs out of charge for the gun shooting two others before it reaches him, he uses the sniper rifle as a bat to separate the robot's head from its neck. He repeats that procedure with the next machine to charge him and then discards the rifle in favor of a one-handed submachine gun.

He nearly slips up and three circle him in the split second it takes for Bucky to recover. One goes down with an arrow in it, the next under a hail of gunfire, and then Bucky punches through the third's armor with his metal arm and crushes what he guesses is its power supply.

It's exhilarating. A cold energy burns in Bucky's veins and he doesn't know if he's smiling or not but he feels like he should be.

Another robot loses its heart to Bucky's metal arm and Bucky reloads the submachine gun just in time to jam its muzzle in another robot's mouth and spray energy into its inner circuitry. It goes down twitching, and Bucky smashes its face in with his boot just to be sure.

There is a cluster of robots rising from the floor on Steve's left and Bucky dives into it before the green one can, whirling between their jerky motions and dismantling them with all the efficiency of a machine—a better machine. The last robot crumples and Bucky tosses its arm aside, already searching for his next target. The submachine gun had run out of ammunition some time ago and Bucky had replaced it with an energy-bladed knife which, while less efficient at longer ranges, does wonders when he gets his opponents within reach.

Too bad it isn't balanced for throwing.

One of the robots tries to sneak up on him again and Bucky wonders if they are supposed to adapt because he can hear this one coming and its frankly disappointing. He he spins, the knife already heading for its throat—

"Not a robot!" James cries right as Bucky registers that it's Steve and he aborts the attack but it's way too close. His right arm is shaking; the blade is mere centimeters from Steve's neck.

Bucky drops the weapon in shock and disgust (at himself?) and it clatters to the floor.

Steve tries to act as though nothing has happened. Bucky doesn't let him, instead turning and taking several steps away to get some space. Once he is sure Steve isn't about to crowd him and set off the wrong instincts, Bucky breathes.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

They must have stopped the training module once they saw him moving into more aggressive combat. They were probably worried that he would...what, succumb to the Winter Soldier under the pressure of dangerous combat? Yeah, like his head is that simple.

And he can still fight. He isn't compromised so much that he can't cover Steve's left flank.

One.

Two.

Three.

Bucky turns back around to look Steve in the eye. "Are you okay?"

"Me?" Steve says with incredulity dripping from the word. Bucky narrows his eyes. He can see the angry red line on Steve's throat, a burn from the proximity of the energy blade. And Steve is still putting more weight on his right leg than his left. "Buck, are you okay?"

"I'm a goddamned soldier, Steve," Bucky says, fighting to keep the frustration out of his tone. "I can handle myself."

"That's not—I know that, you idiot. That isn't going to stop me from being concerned."

"I don't need—" Bucky stops. There isn't any reason for him to be mad at Steve. Steve has done nothing wrong. Bucky lost focus during the training exercise; that is the problem here. But he is fine now, and no one was seriously wounded. And Steve is going to pretend as though that burn doesn't exist until it heals. So Bucky runs a hand over his face, forcing his body to let go of the last of its tension. The metal plates in his arm click out of their combat settings. "I'm fine, Steve."

Steve doesn't look convinced (and frankly, neither do any of the other Avengers) but he nods anyway. "Alright. Just tell me if there's a problem, okay?"

If Bucky did that he'd never close his mouth. So he lies and nods.

The room is suddenly stifling.

"I'm gonna go to the gym," Bucky says. He leaves, and no one tries to stop him.

A week passes. Two. And even when Bucky finds a rhythm to his schedule and actually holds conversations with the other Avengers, the uncomfortable feeling persists, though it fades a little in the wake of the training exercise.

After three weeks it starts growing again, faster than before. Bucky paces the length of Steve's apartment and stares out the window and wonders why the hell he can't be happy with this. It's a nice day with the sun shining and the weather just cool enough that the air isn't stifling—at least according to Steve—yet Bucky's mind won't relax.

He tries to sit and read, but the words don't stay in his head. He tries to go to his journal, but the pages don't mean anything right now. He tries to exercise, but that only makes the feeling worse now. (After three more group sessions with the Avengers and two awful conversations with Steve, Bucky had gotten a handle on the ice in his veins. He had made the executive decision not to tell Steve that the reason Bucky slipped into that state of mind in the first place was because Steve got hurt.)

What Steve doesn't know won't hurt him.

(Bucky won't let it.)

Steve picks up on Bucky's restlessness on day twenty-three when Bucky can't hide it from him anymore.

"What's eating you, Buck?"

Bucky takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I don't know."

Steve sits on the couch behind him while Bucky stays standing, his gaze wandering around the living room.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I don't know."

Steve is quiet for a minute. Bucky glances over at him, sees that he's deep in thought. When Steve speaks, what he says isn't anything Bucky is expecting. "Do you want to leave the Tower?"

"No." Yes.

Bucky pauses. Is that really the feeling making his fingers twitch? Making these walls feel too small and the air too thick? It doesn't seem wrong, but.

He doesn't want to leave Steve. And Steve is in the Tower. But the idea of leaving—an idea that hadn't crossed Bucky's mind since the first month—is now sticking again. And it's making parts of Bucky's head go to static because yes he wants to leave to go to move so fucking badly because—

Because.

And he doesn't want to leave at the same time because Steve and he's comfortable here but he was living on his own for a while and he wants to—

"You're never gonna be a kid from Brooklyn again," James says, and the world stops. "You know that, right? What would leaving here even get you? Distance from Steve? You know that's just gonna hurt him and you. You don't get a normal life anymore. They took that from you."

Bucky knows all of that and can't bring himself to get angry at James for saying it because it's true.

But.

He wants to get out of the Tower. Out of its sleek design and modern technology and inhabitants that are so far from the shadows in Bucky's memory. There is a city spread out around him and he can only look down on it through glass windows.

And the Tower is nice and Steve seems happy but Bucky—

Bucky isn't. He doesn't feel comfortable leaving but he doesn't feel comfortable staying and it's stupid, it's so unbelievably stupid and he hates that this feeling has been plaguing him for so long and he can't make it fucking stop—

"Buck, hey. Hey."

Steve is gently touching the metal hand. The hand that is gripping his right wrist hard enough to make the bone creak.

"Can you let go?" Steve asks.

Bucky does, slowly. The plates in the metal arm click as they adjust. "I'm—"

He doesn't know what he's going to say. Sorry? Stupid? Pathetic?

"It's okay," Steve says. "We can talk about this later, if you want."

No. No, no. This had to happen now or he was going to do something phenomenally stupid to stop his body from buzzing.

"I want to go," Bucky says. "I—out. For a while. I don't know. I just—can't. Stay here. Right now." He has to quiet the humming in his brain. He has to.

Bucky meets Steve's eyes and his thoughts stall because Steve is staring at him with understanding in his gaze.

"Okay," Steve says.

And that's that.

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