Interlude

I fidgeted with the sheets. I didn't think I would have the energy left to be nervous after the ordeal of child birth that my body went through, but there I was, plucking at the seams, wrapping the fabric around my fingers and straightening the sheets over my body.

My body. I had hoped I would recognize it again after the birth, but it still didn't look or feel like my own. It hit me that my body never again would be mine, it would always be devoted the child; my son. For the rest of my life I would have to sacrifice everything to him – even my very life if it came down to it. That thought scared me during the pregnancy, but now that he was born, it didn't scare me anymore. It gave me strength, in fact. I never felt as much like a warrior as I did now. But even warriors get nervous.

Duo should have been here by now, I thought to myself. I wondered if he had changed his mind, if he had made a U-turn and headed back home with Heero. I found myself hoping he had. He often spoke of it, but he was too kindhearted to actually leave me to do this on my own, even though the responsibility should be all mine, considering I had brought this upon myself. I had vengeful, nasty intentions when I sought out Duo in that motel room, finding him grief-stricken and in despair.

I thought I had gotten past my anger and my envy, I was convinced of it in fact, convinced until the phone rang and I heard Duo's vulnerable voice. Everything came rushing back to me, the memories of a life, I believed to be blissful, turned upside down one night when a slight figure appeared at the gate of the scrapyard that one, rainy night. I had watched in secret, peeking through the window of the office whenever I deemed it safe. I watched Duo, my boyfriend, be captivated by the mere sight of the former war-hero. I watched them kiss.

To my horror Duo came up to the office mere minutes later and while I had been ready to pretend I had never seen anything, he told me what had happened and then confessed that he had always loved Heero, never me. Heero! A cold machine disguised as an attractive young man who never offered Duo anything that the American needed: kindness, gentleness, intimacy, love. But still he loved him? I took Duo for a fool, a misguided fool.

The feelings washed away as time went by and we even became friends again and met up occasionally since I moved to Earth. But when he called my ego tapped me on my shoulder and whispered devilishly in my ear: This is your chance to show him he was wrong. I knew what I was doing when I brought him liquor, sat on the bed next to him, frequently offered him comfort through increasingly bold touches - starting on his shoulder, but ending high up on his thigh. Intoxicated, confused and needy he let me push him down to the bed and as I started to undress him, swatting away the hands that would sometimes come up and weakly make an attempt to stop me, the lie slipped out of me.

"Don't worry, I'm on the pill."

I knew the risk I was taking and I knew that wasn't what he was worried about when he halfheartedly tried to stop me, but I was determined to see my actions through.

It was not my intention to get pregnant, although in that moment I did think: If it happens, it was meant to be.

Prompted by nausea and irritability I took a pregnancy test a few weeks later. I felt many things, but not that it was 'meant to be'. When the dust settled all there was left was a feeling of utter fright and I finally had to contact Duo. When Heero answered the phone it felt like a brick dropping in my stomach. I didn't want to put Heero through it, I had made a mistake that I had come to deeply regret, but I needed Duo, only he could make me feel like everything would be alright. It was selfish of me to shatter his whole world for me to gain that feeling of security, especially considering what he and Heero had been through; a tragedy that I – much to my shame – had abused!

Still, I was alone – lonely – and scared and confused, I needed Duo. That desire was more powerful than my desire not to be the bad guy in their tragic love story. How was I supposed to go through it alone? I hadn't a clue. I justified my intrusion into their life with the angry memory that Heero had done something similar to me.

During the pregnancy my hormonally unbalanced mind played tricks on me. I imaged what it would be like if Duo would be mine again, wholly mine. I indulged in those fantasies, they were a rare comfort in stressful times. I pictured us as the perfect little family. It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much I had been deceiving myself with those naïve, idyllic imaginations. Duo could never be wholly mine again, for starters he had never been wholly mine to begin with, but, most importantly, I finally recognized how deeply he was bound to Heero. He loved Heero, more than he ever loved me, even more than he dutifully pretended to love me. We would never be a perfect family. He would always miss him, he would never be fully content with me. He would never be bound to me like he was bound to Heero.

That realization only sunk in a few days ago. I could hear his voice getting weaker over the phone as he and Heero came nearer to DC. In a whisper he confided to me, barely coherent as he quickly burst out in sobs: "Heero can't do it. He's going to leave me". I was destroying them and as a result I was destroying Duo. I didn't want to break him, I truly still loved him. I also didn't want to look upon the pieces of him afterwards, every single day. And I thought of the child, what would it be like for a child to watch his father figure be damaged beyond repair and how would that child would look at his mother, knowing she was the one who wrecked him.

Still, I had been scared, so scared to be alone. I kept playing my game, shamefully, letting him come closer and closer even though I realized he was losing bits of himself along the way. I didn't give him time to go back and collect himself, because I needed him. I was so scared!

Then the labor came, too soon. I was supposed to be induced, it would be more controlled and safer, given my family history. Luckily a neighbor, who is also a friend, managed to get me to the hospital in time and the doctors handled the minor complications expertly. When I first held my son, directly after giving birth to him – a display of physical power I never thought I was capable of – I wasn't scared anymore. I could do this. It hit me like a lightning bolt. I could do this.

I didn't need Duo.

A few minutes ago they took my boy away, so I could get some rest, but there was no rest to be found for me. If I didn't need him, then why would I still put him through this? Maybe the epiphany came too late, but I had to try to keep Duo from sacrificing his life with Heero, because of a sense of duty for this child I told him was his.

Maybe I was just being selfish again, because I couldn't bear the guilt of ruining them like this. But the decision was made.

I released the sheets momentarily to wipe a tear that clung to my eyelashes, threatening to spill.

Right at that very moment a figure appeared in the doorway, slumped and dark, a baby blue bunny clutched in his left hand that dangled at his side.

"Duo," I breathed and watched him apprehensively step into my private room. His eyes were red and puffy and I noted with a drop of my heart the absence of Heero.

His pained eyes scanned the room. He refrained himself from asking the obvious question and instead politely asked me how I was doing, approaching me with heavy footfalls.

"I'm fine. There were some minor complications, but everything went well… and fast," I remarked with a breathless chuckle.

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it on time."

"It's fine. It's actually… better this way. I needed some time to think."

His dark eyes looked at me suspiciously. Finally, he asked, rather demandingly: "Where is he?"

"Where is Heero?" I countered.

He didn't answer me for a long time, his gaze directed to the unremarkably scenery outside the window. "He had to go."

I knew what he meant, his face was more informative than his words. "Duo, I'm sorry."

"I want to see him. I want to see him right now!" He made big, angry gestures with the bunny in his hand, the soft ears of it flailing about.

"Duo, sit down, we have to talk."

More suspicion became evident on his otherwise distraught features. "Hilde, where is my son?"

"Duo, please-"

"Where is he?!"

"Duo-"

"I need to see him, right now! Why won't you let me see him?"

"Because he's not yours!" It burst out of me so abruptly and carelessly that it startled me almost as much as Duo.

For a long time he appeared to not be breathing. Then, finally, he hissed: "What?"

I started crying uncontrollably, barely able to talk. "I'm… so sorry! I- I- I made a… huge… mistake!" At the look in his eyes my heart shattered and my sobs became even more erratic and powerful.

He remained eerily calm. "He's not mine?"

I nodded pathetically. "A little while before I came to see you, I slept with someone else. We had been safe, there was no reason to assume it was his, not yours."

His gaze darted from side to side. "How can you even be sure he's not mine?"

"The real father is African-American. It shows," I explained hurriedly.

When Duo started to laugh darkly, he scared me.

"He's not mine." He sought purchase on the foot of the bed to keep his balance, the bunny was vibrating in his trembling, clenched fist. "This is the fifth time I was supposed to have a baby."

"I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? Really? You have unprotected sex with God knows how many men and when you get knocked up you just pick a name out of a hat and let him think that it's his? You let him turn his whole life upside down? You let him-" He paused, his gaze became distant, then his angry eyes focused on me anew and he yelled: "Do you have any idea what you've done?!"

"I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying that! I don't want your apologies, I want to know why! Why did you do this to me?!"

"I thought you would make an excellent father," I answered meekly, guiltily.

A heavy set nurse appeared in the doorway, her hands firmly planted on her hips. "What is going on here?" She turned to look at me. "Do you need me to call security, sweetie?"

"No," Duo said. "You don't. I'm leaving." He started to walk away when he realized something and turned back. "Here," He threw the bunny towards the bed, it landed against my leg. "Know that it cost me my entire life to get that thing to you." He stormed out.

The nurse carefully stepped into the room. Standing by my bed she placed a hand on my shoulder. "Don't you worry, sweetie. You are strong, you don't need a man like that. Some men just can't handle being a father, you're better off without those types of guys."

"He's not the father," I argued teary-eyed.

The nurse made a face. "Oh, sweetie, those eyes? That nose? That little tuft of chestnut hair? You aren't fooling me." She grabbed the box of tissues from the nightstand and handed me one before placing the box in my lap. "That boy of yours is going to grow up to look just like his father. You'd better be prepared for that, in case he's coming back. He's not blind, sweetie, if he ever sees him, he'll know."

"He's not coming back," I stated, wiping away the last tears I allowed myself to shed over him.

Eight years ago on a rainy night on L2 Duo came up to the office at the scrapyard, out of breath and he demanded to have the key to the front gate. I held it clutched in my sweaty palms as he explained, with a guilty, sorrowful expression, why he needed to open that gate, who he had to chase and why. I held onto that key desperately and never gave it to him, thinking that I could keep him that way, but Duo ended up leaving through the distant back gate that night.

I was finally able to give him the key – metaphorically speaking – I was finally able to let him go and accept that he needed to be with someone else, because he loved someone else more. Not because I had grown to love him less rather, because I had grown to love him more. He deserved to be with the one who made him happy. I hoped that by eliminating the burden of a child, Duo and Heero would be free to reunite, and one day have the child that they always wanted and always deserved; a child that would bring them together, not one that would break them apart. I knew being a father to my child would have brought him some joy, but it would always be tainted with the memory of his lost love. I really believed that by cutting him loose I gave him, my son and myself the best chance at happiness.

"Do you want me to bring your baby boy to your room?"

"Yes, please."

She smiled at me. "I'll be right back."

I nodded and watched her rotund figure leave.

It was better for my son to not be in the middle of the drama my mistake had brought upon us. I was going to be a strong, single mother, a person he could look up to, not a person he resented or pitied because she ruined his father's life and let herself be caught up in an illusion of a happy family.

"Here he is," The nurse announced gleefully as she gently rolled his cradle towards my bedside. "Oh, he is just perfect," She observed as she carefully lifted him and adjusted his blue blanket before handing him to me. "Have you thought of a name yet?"

I stared at his tiny features. The nurse was right, he would end up looking just like Duo. I could tell. "Yes," I answered. "His name is Maxwell. Maxwell Schbeicker."