Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
Chapter Nine:
She'd cut too deeply, a mistake she hadn't made in years. She had lost control tonight. Pain shook her hand as she clamped a white cloth to the wound, watching her blood soak through it without staunch. Azula blew out a breath and reached for the little kit she kept with her at all times. Just in case.
Needle. Thread. A small pair of scissors. Ointment. Something for the pain.
She threaded the hooked needle with shaking hands, snipping it, tying it, and then holding the needle up to the flame dancing at the end of her fingertip. She passed the needle through the flame a few times, sterilizing it.
Then, holding her arm into the light of the candle burning on the bedside table, Azula removed the blood-soaked cloth. She pinched together the neatly sliced skin together and started stitching the wound closed, one painful jab of the needle at a time.
It was sloppy work, and she knew it. Blood ran so much that she had to stop to dab at the wound between stitches just to see it. By the time she was finished, her hand was shaking, and sweat was running down her face, her back aching as she hunched over into the light.
Blood leaked around the stitches as she knotted the last stitch closed, then snipped the thread. Setting aside the blood-coated needle, she wiped more blood away, and then smeared the whole thing with ointment.
That done, she grasped the pad of gauze on the bed beside her without looking at it, slapping it over the wound, and then wrapping a long strip of white bandage around it to secure it. She made sure it wasn't too tight, or too loose, tied it off and then let out another breath.
Her body ached. She was shaking all over. Sweat glistened on her face as she flexed her hand, staring at the other cuts running up and down her arm. There were a couple that were deeper than she liked, but didn't require stitches.
Bracing herself, she cleaned and bandaged those too, until her arm was covered from wrist to elbow. Blood was already staining through the bandages, but she could tell that it was stopping. Her arm ached in time to her heartbeat, and she found herself staring at the hooked needle on the bedside table, the straggling black threads beaded with crimson.
The control she'd felt when she'd started cutting her arm was gone. It had been a lie, and she knew it. She hadn't been in control. Not for a moment. She had wanted to hurt. She had wanted the pain.
But control?
She had no idea what that was. She hadn't been in control of anything in a very long time. Her own mind was working against her. Her dreams were nightmares, memories and horrors that woke her with a scream in her mouth and demons in her blood.
And it had driven him away. Just as she'd known it would.
Not that I wanted him to stay, she thought as she poured the pain relief powder into a glass of water. She swirled it, and then downed it as fast as she could. The taste was bitter, but she knew from experience that it would dull the pain in her arm enough for her to function.
That done, she cleaned up her makeshift operating table and tools, washing off the needle, sterilizing it with fire once more and then packing it and the rest of the supplies away into her pack. Then, wincing, she pulled on her clothing and shoes. A glance at the window told her that dawn was approaching.
She and Sokka had been schedule to meet Mai's Smoke Demons contact at dawn in the inn's common room. Sokka was probably long-gone now. Probably on the first ship back to Republic City.
Or maybe he'd gone on to the capitol...to Zuko...and that disloyal Earth Kingdom girl...
She tried to push Sokka out of her mind as she got ready to leave the room, her hand and arm throbbing with each breath she took. Exhaustion crawled at her; she wanted nothing more than crawl back into the damp, scorched bed and forget everything.
Instead, she glanced at the window and, seeing the pink and orange streaks of dawn, steeled herself. Grabbing her pack, she left the room and walked down to the inn's common room.
This early in the morning, the place was nearly empty. A few drunks were passed out in the corners, farting and snoring while a young man with close-cropped hair mopped the floor around them. The man glanced at her as she came into the room and sat down at one of the tables. The table was littered with empty mugs and sticky with spilled beer.
A glance toward the kitchen, and a tentative sniff of her nose told her that the kitchen staff was already working on breakfast, but the servers she had seen bustling around with beer and food the night before were nowhere to be seen.
As the young man finished up his mopping, and came around with a large tub, clearing the tables and wiping them down with soapy water and a hard-bristled brush, she caught his eye.
He started for a moment, flushing, and then came over to her. "Uh...miss you're a bit early for breakfast. They don't start serving for another hour."
Her lips twisted sourly. "Could I just get some tea then?"
"Servers won't be in for another hour either..."
She blew out a frustrated breath. "Perhaps you could-"
"Well...I suppose I could...if I were properly motivated," he started, tossing her a cheeky grin. She stared at him for a moment. Once upon a time she would have intimidated this little nobody into doing what she wanted. She would have enjoyed terrifying him and getting her way to boot. Now, she just felt tired as she fished into her money pouch and half-heartedly tossed him a coin.
He caught it and palmed it with surprising dexterity, the coin rolling over his knuckles before he flicked it into the air with his thumb and caught it again. It disappeared into his pocket faster than she could blink.
"I'll have that right out for you, miss."
She watched him go, setting her arm gently on top of the table. She pulled back her sleeve a little; she was starting to bleed through the bandages. Her guts twisted and she tried not to think about how she had lost control.
And most of all, she tried not to think of Sokka.
Sokka. On his way to the palace. Laughing with Zuko and that warrior girl. Telling them how crazy she was. How she had lost it. How he had left her in disgust.
Her fingers folded into her palms and she dug her hard, sharp nails into her flesh. Holding steady, trying to ground herself. She closed her eyes and breathed in, willing herself to relax as she opened her mind and her ears up to the sounds around her, focusing on the cooks in the kitchen banging around, shouting to one another jovially. She ignored the snoring drunks on the floor, their rasps fading into the background.
"Your tea, miss?"
She started, her eyes flinging open as she met the young man's sharp gaze. A steaming cup of green tea sat in front of her, but she hadn't heard him put it down. She hadn't even heard him approach her. Her eyes narrowed on him as he stood across the table from her. No one had been able to sneak up on her in years.
"Who are you?" she hissed, her heart skidding against her ribs.
The young man moved his hand and something silver flashed across his palm, and then flipped end over end across his knuckles. It was no coin, however, but a small, thin dagger, which he slammed into the table. It quivered in the scarred wood between them.
The dagger was adorned with a black flame. Azula went very still, her eyes tracking from the blade to the young man, who looked at her steadily.
"'Where there is smoke...'" he said, his voice trailing off.
"'There's fire,'" she finished the codeword and tilted her head back as the young man sank down onto the bench across from her. Gone was the friendly smile, the cheekiness. The eyes peering at her now were cold, calculating. She could tell that he was sizing her up. She had no idea what he was seeing. "Is it safe to speak here?"
The Smoke Demon glanced at the kitchen, then back at the drunks on the floor in the corner. His lips curled into a mocking smile as he palmed the dagger with another quick movement that she nearly missed. He was good.
"Safe as houses, Princess Azula. My name is Rian."
"You're not what I expected."
"Neither are you."
"And what does that mean, exactly?"
Rian's dark eyes glittered with amusement. "I was told there would be two of you."
Her jaw tightened. "You were mistaken."
"Am I? Did you not check into the honeymoon suite last night with a man named Tazeo?"
"He's no longer in the picture."
Rian sat back a little, tilting his head to the side as he bit down on the inside of his cheek, seemingly to stop a mocking smile. "My, what a whirlwind romance...just married and already broken up. Well, what can you expect? Ever since your disgusting traitor brother passed those vile laws upholding same-sex relationships, the sanctity of marriage has been rather ruined for all of us, hasn't it?"
Azula's face nearly betrayed her, but she had been playing this game for too long to be tripped up now. "You're not a fan of Fire Lord Zuko's protection of gays?"
"It's disgusting," Rian sneered. "It's just another symptom of how depraved and rotten his rule has become."
"And so you joined to put an end to it."
"An end to all of them," he said, and there was no doubt who he meant by them. Azula had read all about Zuko passing laws allowing same-sex relationships and marriage—a practice that had been outlawed and criminalized in Sozin's time. She had known it wouldn't be a popular decision, but to see the light in Rian's eyes, the disgust and hatred...
It turned her stomach.
She found herself thinking of Ty Lee for the first time in a long time. The young man before her would have liked nothing more than to kill Ty Lee for daring to exist, for daring to be herself. A part of Azula had always known that Ty Lee had liked girls, though she had pretended otherwise, flirting with boys but never committing to any of them. Azula had also known that Ty Lee had had a crush on her. She had used that crush against her...manipulated her...played with her...
No. She had terrorized Ty Lee, brutally using her for her own selfish ends. Not caring if she hurt her. Not caring for anything but herself and power. She had been a monster.
She was a monster.
Guilt tore at her, even as disgust rose in her guts. She stared at Rian and then lifted her mug of green tea.
"To the death of them all, every last degenerate," she lied, the words thick on her tongue. She took a drink of the tea and it scalded down her throat, mingled with the taste of her lie. "Especially my undeserving, bastard brother."
Rian nodded in approval and leaned forward. "It's good to see that the true royal line is untainted with his perversion. I've been told that they mean to put you on the throne."
They. The Smoke Demons Azula had met so far—only four, not including Mai and June—had always spoken of the leaders of the terrorist cell in vague terms. She still didn't know if 'they' were one person or a hundred.
But that wasn't what she was here to find out, that was Mai's job. She was here to do as the Smoke Demons demanded, to prove her loyalty to the cause, and to, eventually, be sent to assassinate her brother.
"So I've been promised, if I prove myself to the cause."
"If."
She ignored the mocking tone in his voice and plowed on. "I was told that there was need of me here in the Fire Nation. I'm eager to serve in anyway that I can, to return our Nation to its roots."
"And your partner? Tazeo? His reputation for brutality is well known."
"Yes, he is a brute."
"And where is he?"
"Does it matter? He is nothing, I can do this without him."
"We take disloyalty in our organization very seriously, Princess Azula. He knows about us. If he has turned coward and left, then I will have to send someone after him. I will have him killed."
She could see the glint in Rian's eyes. He meant what he said.
Her guts twisted, fear striking her.
"He is of no consequence and-"
"Oh, darling...you wound me when you speak like that," Sokka drawled from the doorway, looking for all the world like he belonged there. He leaned against the door frame, his narrow hips hitched, feet crossed, a little smirk on his lips. He had an apple in one hand and an unsheathed sword in the other.
Azula stiffened, but kept her face a blank mask as Rian half-turned, glancing from her to Sokka and back. There was a hard glint in his eyes.
"Sorry I'm late," Sokka said, taking a bite of the apple. He chewed slowly, looking from Rian to Azula.
"'Where there's smoke...'" Rian started.
"'There's fire,'" Sokka finished, tossing the apple carelessly over his shoulder. He walked toward them and Azula saw the slight lurch in his step, the red in his eyes.
He was drunk.
Her hands fisted in her lap, her arm throbbing with pain. She glanced at Rian, but if he noticed he didn't say anything. Sokka came around the table, dropping onto the bench beside her. There was a hardness to his bloodshot eyes, a look that she was starting to come to associate with "Tazeo." Drunk though he was, he looked like the kind of man who would tear someone limb from limb. It was the same look that had cowed the sailors on the ship and made the innkeeper so wary when they'd arrived. The woman had expected trouble from him.
Trouble. It oozed from his every pore and perched in the corners of his cruel lips... He looked like the kind of trouble any woman would gladly love to fall into.
He sheathed the sword across his back and reached over, taking her cup of tea. He drained it in one and slammed it back down.
"What did I miss, baby?"
Her teeth ground together as she glanced at him. "We were discussing how unnecessary you are."
"That's not what you said last night."
She bristled and glared at him. What was he playing at?
Rian looked between them with a wary fascination. "Am I missing something?"
"Lover's quarrel, that's all," Sokka said. "I came to get back into her good graces."
"No one told me you'd married. I'd thought it a ruse."
"We're not married. We're fucking," Sokka said and turned a leer on Azula that made her fists tighten. "She wants me to believe she's only fucking me because she wants a loyal guard dog, but the minute I look at a serving wench's ass, she goes into a jealous rage and kicks me out. Women," Sokka said emphatically, the lie rolling easily off of his tongue.
"But are you a loyal guard dog?" Rian asked, tilting his head back again, his voice thick with meaning.
"To the cause? Absolutely. I wouldn't cross the fucking ocean if I didn't want to see that Harmony Restoration loving traitor get tossed off of his throne. I want in on this fight. I want to see him hang. Now, am I loyal to her? Well..." he trailed off and looked her up and down and then leaned forward, saying in a conspiratorial whisper. "There are always perks when you fuck a princess. Who knows? Maybe I'll get mansion and shit when this is over? Or maybe not. All I know is that I love it when she's on her knees and begging me in that hot little voice of hers... I'll cut down any man who gets between us. Do you understand?"
Though she realized he had been speaking to Rian, there was something in his voice that caught her in the chest. Heat, warmth, and humiliation flashed in Azula's spine, but overriding it all was the startling mental image he'd conjured. She imagined it, for one brief, confusing moment...her on her knees, Sokka's hands on her hips, their bodies coming together as her back arched and she begged him not to stop...
The image was so sudden—so unexpected—that she couldn't even react to what he'd said. Her face felt hot. She was sure she was angry—how dare he speak of her like that?—but she couldn't move. Couldn't speak.
Why had he said that? What was he trying to do? What was he trying to prove?
"I think I do," Rian said slowly.
"Where she goes, I go."
Rian inclined his head. "A loyal guard dog indeed, but she seems rather tight-lipped at the moment. Princess? Can he be trusted?"
The threat was clear. At her say-so, Rian would attack Sokka.
She lifted her chin, realizing that he'd backed her into a corner. She plunged in. "He's loyal...if he can keep that wandering eye of his in check."
He leaned back with a smirk and smiled nastily. "I'll try, Princess."
Rian looked between them, his jaw twisted a little. She could almost see the gears in his head working. She had a feeling he didn't quite trust them—Sokka especially—but he nodded anyway and reached into his shirt. He pulled out a scroll.
"If you fail to follow these instructions you will be killed. We have spies all over the Fire Nation and we will be watching you. If you prove you are disloyal to the cause in any way—if you attempt to communicate with anyone, if you attempt to warn anyone, if you attempt to interfere with our plans—we will have you killed. Do you understand?"
"I guess if we don't you'll have us killed," Sokka drawled. She smacked him in the shoulder as Rian glared at him.
"We understand."
But Rian was still glaring at Sokka. She could tell that he didn't trust him. She didn't blame him. Rian was loathsome, ignorant, and hate-filled...but he didn't strike her as stupid.
He held out the scroll to Azula, who took it immediately. At the same time, one of the drunks on the floor snorted loudly and sat up, coughing and scratching himself. Rian stood up and seized the empty teacup.
"Have a good day, miss."
He bowed at Azula, cast one last narrow glance at Sokka and then disappeared into the kitchen, taking on the guise of a simple bus boy again. The moment he was gone, Azula turned to Sokka, snatched up her pack and snarled, "The room. NOW."
He didn't argue, just followed her up the stairs at a brisk pace, though she noticed a slight tilt to his walk. If Rian had noticed how drunk he was, he hadn't let on.
The moment they were in the honeymoon suite, the door closing behind him with a click, she rounded on him and threw out her fist. The punch took Sokka in the jaw and he fell back against the door with wince.
He clutched his face and looked at her through questioning, bloodshot eyes, even as she bit back a cry of pain. The blow had reverberated through her injured arm.
"How dare you? If you ever say anything like that about me again, I will fucking burn you alive," she snarled, stepping forward and shoving her hand into his chest.
"I had to explain why we had a fight, Azula. He already knew about it, and I didn't think you wanted him to know we had a fight because you had..an episode. I didn't want to give him a reason to doubt you. Better that he thinks we had some stupid lover's spat!"
"I didn't have an... How dare you—I—"
"Look...Azula... I'm trying to be understanding here. I am. I get that...you're... You're sick, okay? I know it's none of my business, and I know you don't want to talk about it, but you are."
"Shut up! You don't know anything!"
"I know you're hurting. I know you're having nightmares so bad you wake up screaming. I know you have panic attacks. Panic attacks that incapacitate you. I know you don't want to talk about this, but we have to. Okay? Pretending it's not happening is only hurting you, and it may get us both killed. I want to help."
"Why? I thought you were leaving? Going back to Republic City...or maybe to your precious Earth Kingdom slut."
His jaw tightened at that, but he ignored it. "We're partners, aren't we?"
"No, we're not. You're only here to protect Zuko."
"I can protect you both."
"I don't need your protection," she said as she stepped back. He pushed himself off of the door and looked at her solemnly.
"You have it anyway," he said stonily. "I'm not leaving. You can push me away if you want, scream at me, rage, throw fire...but I won't leave you again."
"You're drunk."
"I've had a few," he conceded with a shrug. "But I meant what I said. We're in this together, Princess."
She clutched the scroll to her chest for a moment, her arm throbbing in time to her racing heartbeat. For one small moment, she remembered the startling and unexpected fantasy his words had conjured so easily, with such lurid detail. It played across her mind for a heartbeat before she pushed it away.
"Fine," she said, turning back to face him again. "But the lovers ruse stops now."
Sokka flinched. "Azula, we just told that Smoke Demon that we're sleeping together. They'll know. They'll expect it. They'll be suspicious if we drop it."
Her jaw tightened. "Fine. But you will not speak of me like that ever again. If they think we're lovers, fine. But we're not. And if you ever say anything about me...on my knees...or...or anything I'll...I'll..."
"Burn me alive, got it. I'm sorry about that," he said, and his face was suddenly burdened with shadows, his mouth down-turned. "That was too far. I was trying to be Tazeo, to do what he would have done. I got carried away. I apologize, Princess. I won't disrespect you like that again."
There was a tone in his voice. He was making her an oath, just like he had in the alley when she'd had her panic attack after he'd grabbed her wrist. He had promised not to touch her. He had, so far, upheld that promise.
For some reason, she believed him. She looked up and met his gaze. There was a lot between them, so many heavy things that would have to be addressed eventually. Her panic attacks, her nightmares, his drinking, this partnership, or whatever it was. His gaze was soft, and though there was a hazy light there, she thought it was only from the beer he'd had, and nothing else.
Still, there was something about that look. No one had ever looked at her like that. Like they cared.
She caught a breath, feeling pain in her chest.
"So what's on the scroll?" he asked, startling her into looking down at it like it was a snake that would bite her. She sighed heavily.
"Whatever the Smoke Demons have planned for us," she said in a brittle voice. "Sabotage, espionage, murder maybe..."
"Great," Sokka said with a humorless voice. "Let's go be bad guys."